Wednesday, December 27, 2006

No. 32 "Fighting Techniques."

Every once in a while a douche bag will come around and want to kick your ass, but instead of trying to fight back, you should do these things...

Tell him a joke.
No one can resist a good laugh. So, once they are about to beat your face in, tell them a funny joke that you heard earlier in the week. This will distract them and if it's funny they're forget about beating your ass and you both can go out for a milkshake. (Warning: Do not tell black jokes to black people.)

Offer him a joint.
"Hey how about instead of fighting, we smoke this joint and then beat up some Asian kids?" No one can turn down a doobie, and everyone loves beating up Asians. (Ha ha just kidding, my mom is Asian… actually she isn't, but you know what it'd be like.)

There's a bear behind you!
Right before they're about to lay you out, tell them that there's a bear behind them. No one likes being mauled by bears. Who cares if you live in Phoenix and there have never been bears there. Once they realize that there is no bear behind them they will thank you for looking out for their safety and let you on your way.

Instead of fighting just start dancing with them. They throw you to the ground, you spin them around and dip them. No one can resist the temptation of the salsa, and they will be impressed with your dancing skills.

Put on glasses.
No one would hit someone with glasses, that's just rude. Your bully will have no choice but to leave. Take off the glasses and put on some sunglasses. Now you're cool.

Fall asleep.
Right before the fight starts lay down and go to sleep. No one will beat up someone who's sleeping. Your fight-ee will leave, and you can wake up well rested and un-beat up.

If any of these don't work, just shoot them in the stomach. It will scare them and girls will flock to you because guns are badass. Walk off with just an attempted murder charge instead of a black eye.

Overall, none of these things will work, it will probably just make them madder and beat you even harder. The best way to win a fight is to watch some tae-boe videos or have black friends.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

No. 31 "Erecting Your Self-Esteem."

Are you down in the dumps, an Arizona Cardinals fan, or always get turned down by hot chicks? Well, just think in twenty years she'll be an old maid that nobody will ever love. Here are some tips to help raise your self-esteem...

Have your friend re-tell you the story about when his dog got run over by a car.
-It will remind you of your alive dog.

Go to Wal-Mart
-Seeing those sub-humans can only make you feel better.

Compare your wiener to Asian's wieners.
-Always does the trick. (Caution: do not compare to black dudes)

Live vicariously.
-Pretend to be Brad Pitt. Call your ugly girlfriend Angelina and look in the mirror and say "nice six pack!" to your beer gut.

Hang out at the Retirement home.
-Make sure to let them know you'll outlive them.

Sign up for charity work.
-No need to actually do the charity work. The signing up alone will make you feel better.

Curse around children.
-Teaching them new vocabulary will make their parents happy

Date a fat chick.
-A really fat one... like 400 lbs. Make sure not to take her out in public, (cranes can be expensive) and have her do everything for you and make her fall in love with you. Leave her. Your self-esteem will go up, hers will go down. Just like a see-saw! (Caution: Do not go on see-saw with fat chick)

Have a kid.
-This is a 9 month process, (and if its too much work, just steal one) but well worth it. Once they become old enough to stand you have yourself a servant!

Ask your Jewish friend what they want for Christmas.
-Self explanatory and hilarious.

Drink a lot.
-Your life seems so much cooler when your drunk. Even when its by yourself on a Sunday morning.

Go back to middle school.
-Outsmart those dumbass 13 year olds. Too tough? Try elementary school.

Read a book.
-Ha ha just kidding.

-...your STD to another person. Christmas is the time for giving!

Smoke some drugs.
-Or inject them :)

Good luck, and if none of the above works, it's probably because I gave you horrible advice.

Monday, December 11, 2006

No. 30 "Winter Break To-Do List."

Ahh... winter break is almost upon us. No more need take 4 adderol to study for your finals the night before, no more eating your roommates food, and no more parties with all legal girls... here's my to-do list for the next month or so while I'm home:

What you say you're gonna do
What you're gonna do

I'm gonna have the best winter break ever!
I'm gonna have a lame one, then lie to my friends when I come back.

I'm gonna go to so many bad ass parties!
I'm gonna go to three lame parties and realize that back home sucks

I'm gonna eat healthy.
I'm only gonna eat fast food and gain 10 pounds.

Dude, I'm gonna work out every day.
I'm gonna drink every day and watch a lot of college football.

I'm gonna hang out with the family.
I'm gonna give my mom my laundry to do, beg my dad for money then sleep in my own bed four times the whole break.

I'm gonna get a job.
I'm gonna apply to two places and then go home to watch TV.

I'm gonna get everyone X-mas presents
I'm gonna go to the mall, find shit I like and buy it for myself

Yeah mom, I'll pick up grandma from the airport.
I'll get drunk, fall asleep and then pick up grandma from the airport 9 hours late, drunk.

I'll read some books.
I'll read my dad's Playboys.

Oh fuck its X-mas Eve!
Here you go dad, I made you a macaroni card

I'm getting a Wii for Christmas!
I got a Dreamcast...

I'll clean the house, mom.
I'll make a mess and make you clean it up.

New Years is gonna be crazy!
What the fuck, New Years Sucks

I'm gonna sign up for classes.
I'm not going to, and I'll use my computer mostly for porn.

I'm gonna hook up with hot Cindy.
I'm gonna make out with her fat friend.

I'll go to church tomorrow.
I'm gonna drink until 5 am, come home drunk, throw up on the carpet and then sleep in until 3pm.

I'll feed the dog.
Sorry I killed Fluffy, mom.

Bye mom, I'll call you when I get back up.
I'll call you when I need money again

Monday, December 4, 2006

No. 29 "How To Be Cool."

I know how it is, you're a little awkward, don't have that many friends and haven't tried any hard drugs yet. Life sucks. But don't put your roommate's toaster in the bathtub yet, there is hope. Just listen up...

Wear them. All the time. During the day. At the movies. At church. People will notice you and respect you. The dude with sunglasses on at the party always has loads of coke, and we all know coke is totally gnarly.

Use words that were cool in the early 90's. Tubular, righteous, neat-o... actually don't use that, fag. People will be like "whoa man i haven't heard anyone say radical in forever, high five!"

Now that you have your righteous new lingo, you have to start saying words only half-way. Only losers say the whole word. Instead of whatever say "what ev," instead of session say "sesh," and instead of douchebag say "D-bag." In no time you'll be chillin', having a smoke sesh when a D-bag comes by and asks for a hit and you'll be like "what ev."

Not the soda, cool people drink Pepsi. Just blow a lot of lines and then brag about it to your friends and relatives, high-fiveing will ensue.

Now that you have those badass sunglasses you have to prove your badassness. So go to the liquor store and rob the place. No need for a weapon, a get-a-way car, or a hoodie. Just look really mean and demand money. Now you have more money for new sunglasses... and more coke!

Bandanna, not banana. (I know, I confuse them too) You gotta have a bandanna. Snoop Dogg wears them, and he's a badass.

Bump some tunes while rollin' in the Camry your mom bought you for your 16th birthday. People will hear from far away and a crowd will form to see how cool you are.

Cool dudes hit on chicks like its nothing. So, while at a party/event/church picnic just hit on every girl there. Grabbing her ass and whistling works too. And if they give you the cold shoulder, just tell everyone she has ghonoria.

Not literally, unless you want to, but please use a condom. Say good bye to your old friends and yo to your new friends. (cool people say yo instead of hello) Your new friends will use cool lingo and do a lot of coke while wearing bandannas. Your lame old friends will go to class and have a future, what a bunch of fags. When you see your old friends punch them in the ear and then run away.

There you go, these tips should assure your coolness. Just remember to also never smile in pictures, carry a hand gun, and throw objects and cute animals.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

No. 28 "How Not To Get Laid."

Are you hit on everyday? Are you insanely attractive? Are you a conceited? Well, I wrote an article for us awesomely attractive people on how to not attract the opposite sex because we are so badass that we get too much play. Here's what to do..

So a girl's hitting on you, and you being such an awesome narcissist, aren't interested. Forget telling them you aren't interested, use your fist! Hitting women isn't illegal! This will work faster at getting them to stop bothering you, and will impress your peers.

Gain weight:
So the fist-in-face didn't work as well as you had planned? Well, since you're so awesome you need to do something drastic. Gain about fifty pounds, this will show them! The weight will signify you supremacy, and don't worry if people laugh at you, they're just jealous of your man-boobs.

Pee Your Pants:
Everyone knows its cool to pee your pants. By peeing your pants it will symbolize your non-interest, and people will disperse. It's just like in the animal kingdom, I think..

Be a pussy:
Everyone knows that guys that are pussies never get pussy. So start telling girls your "feelings" (I know we don't have any feelings, but watch some "One Tree Hill" and do what those tools do.) Instead of reaching down her pants when you're making out, hold her hand. Instead of watching a movie in your apartment and then fucking without a condom, take her out to a nice dinner, pay for it and then walk her to her door. This is sure to get her not to want you.

Be a fuck-hole:
Girls love assholes, but they don't like fuck-holes. Fuck-holes are way past assholes and douche-holes. They're another level of "hole." An asshole would not call a girl back or tell her to get you a drink. A fuck-hole calls a girl back to insult her and use racial slurs. And a fuck-hole has the girl get him a drink and then throw it at her, telling her its not what you wanted. (Even though it was.)

Get an STD:
Go to your local whorehouse (ASU) and ask for the nastiest slut. Bang her without condom and leave without paying. Now you have a sure-fire STD! Sure STD's are easier to get than weed, but people have to know you have it. So, while at a big party, turn off the stereo and pull down your pants. Then announce your disease and how its incurable. Go back to partying and you'll be left alone. :)

Club Baby Seals:
Women love cute animals, so this will deter them from your charm. Just go to a public place and start beating some of these adorable animals. The police want to arrest you? That's just because they're jealous you thought of it first. There's not any seals in your area? Order some real cute ones on Ebay, you can also buy a neat club there too! You clever dog, you.

Listen to Creed:
Actually, don't. People will think you're gay.

These awesomely badass tips will assure that you can go to a party without being hit on, and will also prevent you from any social activity. Go You!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

No. 27 "How To Ruin Thanksgiving."

You're home for Thanksgiving and haven't seen your family or relatives in months. It is a time for great conversations, great food, and assuring you will never be in any of your relatives wills. Here's my guide to help with that...

Wrestle Your Grandpa:
Your Grandpa will come up to you with a big smile and wanna give you a loving hug. But instead of hugging him, tackle him. He's in a wheelchair? Too bad! Then try to pin him. Ignore your screaming grandma, you've got to show him who's boss. Pin him to the ground, call him a bitch, and then have an appetizer.

Get Wasted:
So you're 20 years old and still sit at the fucking kid's table? You wanna party anyways. You may not be able to drink wine, but you can spike your gay ass apple cider. And while you're at it, spike your 6 year old cousin's too. He'll thank you once he gets out of the hospital.

Ask to Say Grace:
Grace is a sacred tradition before Thanksgiving dinner. But instead of saying what your thankful for, say what your pissed off at God for. The F you got in Econ, your girlfriend who cheated on you, and the herpes you contracted from her fat friend. This should spark some fun conversation among your relatives.

Never Pass the Sides:
The Thanksgiving table is an ever-moving side entree fiasco. Make it a game and try to get all the sides. Each side is worth one point, and the turkey is worth 5. Try to attain them all and never pass it to your relatives. Once you get all of them, run away and throw them in the backyard. Scream "Reparations!" and then quietly return to the dinner table.

Embarrass Your Mom:
Your mom probably hates your dad's mom so tell a little anecdote about how your mom despises your grandma. Make sure to use plenty of expletives. Once you are done embarrassing your mother, excuse yourself and use the bathroom.

Hit On Your Cousin:
Make sure it's in front of your relatives. Tell her you saw it in a French movie once and it was way hot. Plus you're only related by blood. She's only twelve? Too bad for her. You only have boy cousins? Too bad for you.

This will be a very memorable Thanksgiving for you and your whole family and after you follow my guide it will make sure you're not invited to any more family events, which are totally lame anyways. Good luck!

Saturday, November 18, 2006

No. 26 "Unattainable Chicks."

Don't you hate it whenever you're at a restaurant, bar, or strip club and your waitress/bartender/whore flirts with you all night and you forget they work on tips and think they actually like you? Well here are some ways to bang these tip hungry tramps.

Go into one of those 50's style diners and find a waitress that doesn't look like your aunt and ask for her specifically. Start off by calling her "babe," "cutie," or "sugar tits." Girls love being called pet names by total strangers. Ask her what her favorite dish is (even though she probably would never eat at her own diner.) Spill your drink on her white shirt "by accident" so you can see her boobs and then compliment her on them. Impress her with you coke bubble making techniques and make a sculpture of her with your mash potatoes. She won't be able to deny your mature sexiness and will give you head in the Elvis-themed bathroom.

Go into the bar and find one of the hot bartenders. (Which is all of them because they wouldn't be hired if they looked like waitresses.) Order an appletini so she knows you are a real man. Pretend she's a stripper and say things like "take it off," "show me your tits," and "slut!" Then throw money at her... and don't waste your precious George Washington's... use loose change. Then ask her when she gets off. She will say "midnight" and then mumble "I'd make you get off before that." She will say "huh?" And then say you said she has nice eyes. Once she gets off work buy her 10 shots and make her drink them all. Once she is passed out, drive her home. To your home.

Go into a club and sit down next to the stage. You've got to remember that these girls hate their dads way more than the bartenders and waitresses so make sure to keep their self-confidence at dangerous levels. Beating them also works. Put a dollar bill on your pants so she has to grab it with her teeth then sue her for sexual harassment once she touches your tool. Slapping her on the ass and grabbing her tits is normal and they like this. Don't let her fool you with the whole "I'm calling the police" thing. Once the bouncers start beating you, she will definitely remember you. Wait for her behind the club and ask her on a date... to your apartment... to have sex... without dinner... or condom.

I hope these helpful tips will get you a date, laid, or land you in jail. Good luck!

Friday, November 10, 2006

No. 25 "Home v. College."

Oh college is the best 4-8 years of your life. But, there's a downside (and not the syphilis you picked up last weekend) It's not home, and I have compiled in my TI-83 calculator the differences.
HOME: Everyone knows you and loves you.

COLLEGE: You know five kids in your dorm, and they all hate you.
HOME: You can't blast your music.

COLLEGE: You blast your music even though your neighbor has a Bio midterm the next morning.
HOME: Your own room to jack off in.

COLLEGE: Roommate who you catch jacking off at least 3 times a week.
HOME: You can't get laid in your house. Mom cockblocks.

COLLEGE: You can fuck anywhere, including your roommate's futon.
HOME: Home Cooked Meals

COLLEGE: Greasy, gross, fatty Union food that will give you heart disease in ten years.
HOME: Grandparents you hate and only pretend to like because you want beer money when they die.

COLLEGE: Who needs a will when you have your roommate's wallet!
HOME: Old friends who think you're "cool"

COLLEGE: Your not cool. No one believes you.
HOME: No Parties.

COLLEGE: Parties every night with hot girls who you trick into having sex with you.
HOME: Mom loves laundry.

COLLEGE: Pay machines that don't dry your clothes, lose your socks, and shrink your ironic but not funny shirt.
HOME: Curfew at midnight you had when you were 3 years younger.

COLLEGE: No curfew! Which means no curfew for your roommate. So keep that fucker up.
HOME: Compliments from your mom about how your acne has cleared up.

COLLEGE: The nicest thing one of your friends has said about you was how you would be popular... in prison. And not in the good way.
HOME: Getting your ass kicked by your dad once he looks up your grades online.

COLLEGE: Kicking your roommates ass because he lost your XBOX controller. Even though its right behind you.
Waking up without the following:
-Vomit on your shirt/hair/genitals
-A fat chick next to you.
-Beer soaked T-shirt

Waking up with the following:
-Massive headache
-No bed, no blanket, no pillow
HOME: Lying. (To your parents about your GPA which is lower than your blood-alcohol-level. And about the "lost" camera you borrowed from your dad and sold for a bottle of Grey Goose.

COLLEGE: Lying. (To everyone about how many beers you drank. (4 not 15) How many people were at the party (20 not 200) and how many girls you've boned this semester (0 not 15)

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

No. 24 "Coming Back Home."

OK, it's your first time back home from college and you wanna show people how different you are after two months. You wanna show your friends that didn't go to college how big of losers they are, and you wanna bang some high-schoolers that may or may not be 18 yet. Your life is like an etch-a-sketch, just shake it after high school and you've got a whole new, cooler life. Here's what you do:

Grow some facial hair:
Nothing says "I'm an adult now" like a chin-strap or a goatee. Your not ready for mustaches yet, but wait a couple years. High school girls love guys with facial hair. Have you ever seen Laguna Beach? That Jason guy banged all those hoes because he looked like he was 28. Shaving sucks anyways, and it'll cover up your acne.

Wear your school's clothes:
Fuck those letterman jackets all those jocks wear in high school. Nothing beats a college hoody. Girls will know you're an older guy and your friends will be impressed at how lightweight it is. Just take your car... um never mind, borrow your dad's Jetta and go to the high school parking lot, wait outside and lean on your car as if you were in an 80's movie and sport your school's clothing. Girls will flock to you, but play it cool. C'mon now, you're in college, you're cooler than everyone in high school, even the teachers.

Going Out:
Curfew? Yeah right! You can stay out as late as you want... well unless your mom doesn't want you to, but you can sneak out once she goes to bed. "Oh your boyfriend can only stay out 'til midnight? Well I can stay out as late as I want. Yeah... I'm that cool."

So your college experience hasn't been as crazy as you thought? Who cares, just make up some stories. Instead of 40 people being at that one party, there was 400, and Jenna Jameson was there too... and you fucked her... in the ass. If you can't come up with any material just watch American Pie 2. That should get some ideas brewing and you'll impress that hot cheerleader that you never talked to in high school.

New Friends:
Remember, your college friends are way cooler than your high school friends. They're from California, and California has a beach and shit which makes it way totally cool. Your new friends are crazy and go on top of roofs and shit. Make your old friends feel like losers.

Different Lingo:
"Bro," "Chill," "Right On." These are all phrases that you can use to be different and college-like. Use them at the dinner table and your mom will think you're the coolest kid in the world and your grandma will be confused and have a stroke.

College Poon-Tang:
So what if you haven't gotten laid yet in college... or ever. No one needs to know that. That hand job you got from that drunk fat chick now is a three some with a bunch of hot sorority girls. When you made out with that girl you're not sure is old enough to drive, just say the freshmen are super hot and you've banged most of them. Impress your loser non-college friends with made up stories of sexual craziness.

Dress Different:
You're in college now, you're sophisticated and suave. (Actually you're an alcoholic that only eats fast food and never makes it to class.) You have to dress different. Good bye shorts and band t-shirts. Hello button down collar shirts and slacks. You will impress all those high school girls and your recovering grandma will have another stroke and die because you look so good.

So good luck all, I hope these tips help you have sexual intercourse with under-age girls, isolate your old friends, and make your grandma die. Hope you made it into her will. Hello Beer Money!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

No. 23 "What We Really Mean."

We all know that women say things that really mean other things such as "fine" meaning "I'm not fine and if you piss me off I may castrate you." And "its nice" meaning "it sucks." But men do the same thing, so this is for all girls that want a look into the average man's amazing brain, here you go.

"You should come over tonight."
-I would like to have sexual intercourse with you.

"Bring some friends"
-My friends have no game and rely on me to get them laid... or in most cases a bad hand job by your loose friend.

"You look hot."
-I would like to have sexual intercourse with you.

"I can't hang out tonight."
-I'm hanging out with another girl, and I don't think she's into threesomes.

"I've got to work in the morning"
-I hate cuddling and all guys do. I don't even have a job and plan to sleep in until 2 tomorrow.

"Um..." (In response to the question: does this make me look fat?)
-Yes, lose some weight immediately.

"I beat these three guys up and then fifteen cops came and chased after me and I got away."
-I punched a 15 year old kid, got chased by the security guard and now I am banned from the mall.

"I won't get it in your hair."
-I will, and I'll tell all my friends.

"Nice dress."
-I would like to have sexual intercourse with you.

"I would never lie to you."
-I lie to you all the time, and I'm lying to you right now.

"You girls should make out"
-You girls should make out and get naked.

"Your friend Stacy is pretty hot."

"Oh, that's interesting."
-No that is not interesting and you need to get the hell out of my way, I'm watching football.

"Uh huh," "Yeah..." "Oh really?"
-All responses we use to act like we're interested in your over drawn story about your day.

"I'm Pregnant."
-Oh, I'm sorry that's for girls. It really means "I don't want to lose you so maybe by lying about just about the biggest thing will help me keep my man." It also means "I'm a psycho."

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

No. 22 "How To Trick A Girl."

You're having a girl over your dorm/apartment to watch a movie or for a study sesh or whatever and you really wanna get with her, but you don't know how to make the move from your home court. Its easy at some random frat party because girls go to those with condoms in their back pockets, but this is different. Here are some tips for turning your average co-ed get together into an all night fuck fest:

Steal Her Keys:
You have this young lady in your room and you want her to stay the night but you're not sure if she wants to stay. This is what you have to do, when she goes to the bathroom go through her purse and find her keys. Hide them. If she catches you going through her purse change the subject and demand she give you back your sweater from last semester. She will be confused because she didn't even know you last semester so hopefully she'll forget about the whole going-through-the-purse fiasco. Once she realizes that she doesn't have her keys, help her look for them even though you're smirking because they're in your pocket. She won't be able to drive or get into her place so she'll be forced to stay the night in your loving arms.

The Weather is Horrible:
This is all in God's hands. So pray to God that he gets you laid, if he wants you to get laid he'll have a tornado inside of a hurricane nestled inside a box of blizzards. But... you may have to exaggerate the weather conditions or tell her a story of your imaginary friend that died walking back home in the rain. Using monsters and serial killers in your stories helps too.

"Special" Tea:
Girls love tea so go make her a nice cup of tea. But instead of boiled water use Everclear. If she complains about the taste, get all uppity with her and tell her it's your dead grandma's special recipe. She will drink it all out of pity and within 20 minutes you will have a completely wasted girl in your room. And remember roofies are illegal so don't use them unless you get her permission.

Sympathy Vote:
This is for all you Emo kids out there. Girls love to empathize. So come up with a bullshit story about how lonely you are and how you need to be with someone tonight. Don't go too psycho though, we don't want her calling the suicide hot-line.

Broken Doorknob:
This only works in dorms since there is usually only one door. When you close the door, break the doorknob. That way you're both stuck and you pretty much have to have sex. Doorknobs are only like twenty bucks and you've got plenty of Easy Mac dinners to keep you both from starving.

Make It Obvious:
While you're both studying or hanging out make sure she knows you wanna bone. Start by playing some Marvin Gaye. Girls can't resist his music and clothes should come off after the third or fourth song. Tell her to get you a pen in your desk drawer. Instead of pens in the drawer, fill it with condoms, all Magnums. This will show you are prepared and she will think highly of you. Then leave your cell phone next to her. Girls love going through our shit. She'll go through your pictures and make sure to have a picture of your dick. This will definitely turn her on. Then in the middle of your rented copy of "Failure to Launch" that you didn't want to see in the first place change the DVD to a hardcore porn. She will see the porn and want to emulate it. Congratulations, you just got laid!

In the end, you need to change this good natured hang out between "friends" into a night of regret and embarrassment for her. And if none of my tips work... kill yourself. No, just kidding you should just severely injure yourself.

Tuesday, September 5, 2006

No. 21 "How To Break Up With Yourself."

I know how it is. You're dating a girl and you just get to a point where you get tired of them and want to break up. But, you want to avoid the crying and/or punching that will result in the break up. There's a solution: Break up with yourself. Do or say things that will make her hate you and never want to talk to you again. Thus, you are left without the guilt of breaking her heart. Here are some tips:

  • Change you phone number and "forget" to tell her. "Oh, I'm sorry honey I forgot to give you my new number. Yeah I guess it has been two weeks since we've seen each other, how silly of me."
  • Agree to do favors for her and the don't do them. "Sure I'll pick you up from the airport." Don't go and then pretend that she never told you in the first place.
  • Point out how hot other girls are when you are both out doing things or just tell her that her sister is better looking than her.
  • If she has gained weight since you started dating her, point out older pictures and "how thin she was back then." If she hasn't gained weight find really old pictures of her. "I was in 7th grade then!" "Well, you looked good."
  • Send her a text message saying "I can't wait to see you tonight, Sally." Her name is Jessica.
  • Call out the wrong name in bed. Use her mother's name.
  • If you are in a pretty new relationship tell her you love her. This is pretty much relationship poison.
  • Sob uncontrollably.
  • Find something she is really against and do that. Beat small animals or start smoking, what ever makes her tick.
  • Call her "woman" instead of "baby" or "honey." Telling her that "doing dishes and making dinner is her job" also works.
  • Tell her that you hate all her friends and she can only be friends with your friends.
  • Stop shaving, gain some weight, stop brushing your teeth and showering. This should make you completely undesirable and undateable.
  • And if none of that works, just start dating other girls without telling her and then once she finds out tell her you're a polygamist.

Monday, August 21, 2006

No. 20 "The Freshmen Survival Guide."

Being a junior in college now, I've learned a lot of things about college. What to do, what not to do. So this is for you: my incoming freshman friends. The Freshman Survival Guide.

Sorry, its not like Saved By The Bell: The College Years where you get a dorm the size of your parents house. It will be a little bit bigger than a jail cell. If you picked your roommate you will either have a great first year or you will fight them to the death over who ate the last Hagen Daas. If you get a random roommate they will probably steal your shit and jack off to pictures of your girlfriend when you're not there. Good Luck!

Sorry, this is not like the pamphlet that the school gave you when you were still in high school. You will not being high-fiveing kids in wheel chairs or hanging out with Asians. You will never see the kids you hung out with at orientation. The majority of your friends will be made in the dorms. It will be the first people you get fucked up with. These will be your friends for the next four years, pick them wisely.

Oh shit! College has started and before you buy your books and find out where your classes are you gotta "find where the mother fucking party's at!" I know you're excited about college parties, but don't make the mistake of being "that guy" and doing something retarded and remember that until graduate school. Here are some things NOT to do at parties:
  • Don't do more than 3 keg stands. I don't know what your "high school parties" were like but this is college, you're partying with pros... you won't be able to out drink anyone.
  • Girls don't give a shit about anything that happened in high school. Get over it.
  • Saying how wasted you are doesn't impress anyone, it just points out to everyone that you're new to college.
  • You break something, you die. Easy as that.
  • Partying in the dorms is lame and only Freshman do it.
  • You pay. Unless you're a girl, you aren't partying for free.
  • Don't pass out anywhere. People don't always follow the "shoes off, free game" policy. If you pass out at a party you'll probably wake up with balls on your face.
  • Don't come to a party with 10 dudes and no chicks. You're 18, that's plenty old enough to talk to some girls. C'mon now.

College girls are different than high school girls. They don't give a shit about how popular you were in high school. Its all about the here and the now. Make a good impression, take her out, fuck her, then never call her again. Ha ha, I'm only kidding. Call her back when you have an off night and get no play and don't wanna whack it to broadband porn another night. I have no soul.

Unlike high school, the teacher doesn't call your parents if you don't show up to class. The fact is that you usually don't need to go to class every day. Just make sure you have your needed notes, own the book, know what the class is about, and have a friend that's good at that shit. Or, you could always cheat.

You will hear Dave Matthews Band, The Beatles, The Doors, and Sublime everyday. Start liking them.

They suck, don't go to them. It will just be some overly happy upperclassman telling you about how "fun it can be helping people." Yeah, that's fucking lame. If I wanted to do community service I'd commit a crime. And anything else the school sponsors will be just full of sanctimonious people that you would never want to be in the same room with. Stay away from these.

  • The Creeper: He's the guy that met you at orientation and always seems to be around. He runs into you at the food court, the library, even the fucking bathroom. "Oh, you guys are going to a party, I'm coming" Remember to always give them the wrong directions.
  • Dorm Storming: Generally done by upperclassmen. It is when a group of guys (generally 3-4 of them) goes through all the female dorms and talks to girls with their doors open. There is the "ice-breaker": that usually tells a joke or says something to spark interest to the girls, the "middle-man" then tells a story or gets to know the girls better, and "the closer" that gets the girls numbers or gets them to hang out. Freshman dudes usually hate the Dorm Stormers, but there's not much they can do.
  • The Cycle: A concept by Aaron Karo where in one weekend you hook up with a freshman, a sophomore, a junior, and a senior. Very hard to do and even harder to believe.
  • The Half-Hottie: A girl with one or two good features but the rest is just a mess. Consuming alcohol will make these one or two things much more visible and the rest of the mess less visible. Watch out.
  • The Townies: Mostly found in small town colleges like NAU. These are the people born and raised in the city that the college is in. They show up at college parties even though most of them didn't even graduate high school. To have sex with a townie will ruin your reputation forever.
  • The Older Dude: Usually in their mid-twenties, still trying to bang freshman. (A la "Dazed and Confused") They suck at life, make sure they know.

Having a roommate can definitely salt your game. It sucks getting a girl drunk, losing her friends, and getting her back to your dorm and then you have to deal with the fact that your roommate is there and don't know how to say "get the fuck out." Basically you and your roommate need to come up with a way you can both get action without having to see each others' balls. Come up with a system or signal so they know whats up. If you say "Hey man, did you pick up your mail." They will know that you need to room for sexual activity. Or, if they aren't there but might be coming back soon, buy one of those small dry erase boards and put it on your door. Draw a smiley face or just write "I'm Fucking" on it so they don't walk in on you banging the girl they told you they liked. Or you could just be an ass and not give a fuck if they see anything. Its up to you.

  • Befriend the RA... or at least pretend to. If you're an ass to him/her they will bust you no doubt.
  • Get a fake. The kid with the fake ID in the Freshman Dorm is always the coolest kid around. Guaranteed to make you friends.
  • Go to class every now and then. Its cool to party all the time, but being kicked out of college sucks and you don't wanna be one of those losers.
  • Work out. You will gain weight from the constant drinking and 4 am stops at Del Taco, pick up a weight before you gain some.
  • Talk to your professor. Being silent in class is a bad thing. Ask questions and talk to them after class about anything. Most professors love this. And I know for a fact that I have raised several of my grades because the professor knew me well.
  • Fuck your TA. The TA grades a lot of the tests and papers and is usually only two or three years older. Have sex with them and you will get good grades. Who needs morals?
In the end, college will be the best 4, 5, or 6 years of your life. High School ain't got shit on college. Have fun, do crazy shit, and don't fucking fail out.

Good Luck.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

No. 19 "Random Thoughts Part 8."

A balloon is the only thing you can't "put down." You can "put it up" though.

Girls: If you ever do something with a guy and say "don't tell anyone, this is between you and me," he will be texting and myspaceing his friends faster than you can say "I'm a kill that asshole."

If I see another asshole with one of those bluetooth ear pieces of shit I'm gonna slap a hoe. Who the fuck do you think you are? The secret service? No one cares that you have friends and they call you. Its probably your mom on the line anyways you fag.

I want to learn a foreign language, go to a place where there's a lot of people that speak that language, act like a retard, have them talk shit about me in their language, and then confront them, telling them that I know what they said. Too much work? Probably.

Whenever I'm driving and there's a fly in my car I forget I am driving and my only prerogative is the destroy this fly. Forget watching the road, my speed, or children in crosswalks. There is a fly in my space and he must die.

I was at the mall the other day and they had one of those kiosks that had these brick looking things that polish your nails. I walk by and the girl that worked there was like "Hey, come over here, I wanna show you something." She was cute and didn't look like a rapist so I went over and she took my hand and polished one of my finger nails. I was totally caught off guard. What the fuck! I'm a guy, I don't give a shit about my nails. And my one nail was so damn shinny. I spent all day trying to dirty it up and make it look un-girly. Watch out for these kiosk finger-nail rapists.

My mom always talks about how she doesn't like the fact that I drink under-age. But, the last three gifts she's gotten me were: Guinness board shorts, a beer pong shirt, and a shot glass from Spain.

How come every McDonald's commercial I see with black people in it they're always ordering the chicken sandwich. Fucking McRacists.

It's funny seeing the new freshman class this year, all young and naive. But by Thanksgiving most will drop out, gain 20 lbs, or be pregnant. Oh, college.

Anyone that calls a girl a "goofball" is automatically a douche ball.

Tuesday, August 8, 2006

No. 18 "Pizza Slut."

Well, I just finished my job at Pizza Hut. After working there for two summers, I thought I'd write a little blog about some experiences I've had and some lessons I've learned.

I drove your damn pizza all the way to your house -- and before I go further, I delivered in a wide range. Central avenue all the way to 90th street. There were a lot of dirt roads, it wasn't easy finding some of these damn houses. A tip is not included, you need to reach into your wallet and give me some money!
-No Tip-$1: You are a cheap bastard and I will run over your dog out of spite.
-$1-2: You are also cheap but I won't run over your dog, just your cat because I hate cats.
-$2-3: Eh, you could do better, but I'll leave your pets alone.
-$3-5 Solid tip, I'll say Thank You.
-$5-10 You're a bad ass and you can have as many crushed peppers and parmesan cheese as you want!
-$11+ I'm on my knees...

I'm not scared at dogs at all, I love them, but about 80% of the house I went to had "Beware of Dog" signs on their property. And one of my friends that worked at Pizza Hut actually developed a fear of dogs, (what a pussy.) Some of the houses I delivered to had some ugly motherfucking dogs. They were some multi-breed of half-wolf/half-dog/half-monster. Not many chihuahuas.

Pizza Hut is on 48th street and we deliver pretty far in both directions. They are very different sides though. The west side has lots of dirt roads, wild animals, horses, and hillbillies. The East Side has nice ass houses and no rabid animals attacking me. The east side always tips better, so if I'm taking two deliveries I always go to the east side first and the west side has to settle for cold pizza.

Hillbillies/Red Necks:
I fucking hate them, and I get to deliver to them every damn day. This is what an average hillbilly is like:
-Confederate flag on their truck.
-Random car parts in the front yard.
-Wild animals running around.
-Seven malnourished kids, all within a year of each other.
-A Texas accent even though they're born and raised in AZ.
-Chew tobacco they spit on your shoe, then drop kick you with their spurs.
-Five hundred and thirty eight Private Property and Beware of Dog signs.
-They answer the door with a shotgun in hand.
-65 cents is a good tip, boy.

I had a general manager and three assistant managers that were my "bosses," but not once did I ever listen to them or respect them. Rick was the GM and he was cool as hell, when the other assistant managers would tell me to tuck in my shirt, I'd be like "I'm pregnant, I can't" and Rick would agree with me. I was a year older than all my assistant managers so obviously I have seniority over them. They needed help with a table -- too bad, I'm busy sitting down. One time my assistant manager Chris was mad because there was a bunch of dishes that hadn't been done. I told him that he better get busy and take care of them. He took me off the drivers list and told me to do the dishes, I politely told him to fuck off and walked away. After doing approximately four dishes he came in and put me back on the drivers list because he forgot that he needed me and Pizza Hut would die without me. He never bothered me again.

-The Pizza isn't good -- too bad, I didn't make it.
-The Pizza is late -- Well, there was traffic or the cooks took too long to make it or something else that doesn't point the finger at me. It's not my fault, I'm only the driver
-The order is wrong -- you must have ordered it wrong, all of our Pizza Hut employees couldn't get it wrong, they all have PH.d's
-You forgot my ranch -- You don't need it, fatty.
-Your shirt isn't tucked in -- Fuck You.
-The pizza is cold -- You have an oven, use it, bitch.

All in all, Pizza Hut was a laid-back job and I made a lot of money. It was fun to work there and it will suck having a job where I can't tell my bosses to fuck off or to wake me up when a delivery comes because I'm gonna take a nap.

Friday, July 21, 2006

No. 17 "Random Thoughts Part 7."

I think its pretty crazy the way people express themselves through bumper stickers. You can practically know someone just from the back end of their car. For example: People who put political stickers on their cars. DUMB ASSES. Put a Bush/Cheney sticker on your car at a Dave Matthews concert if you want it to get keyed. Girls that put their sorority letters on their car are retards. You might as well put a RAPE ME sticker on your car.

Every porn starts with "I've never done this before" even though they obviously have. So you were just born with that gaping wound you call a vagina? Fuck those liars

Its funny watching those phone sex commercials. The girls are always gorgeous and roaming around in bikinis at 3 am, but you gotta know its your aunt's middle-aged friends sitting in their trailer on the other line.

Have you ever noticed there is no Food City in Scottsdale and no AJ's Fine Foods in the ghetto. I have.

I hate it when I'm on AIM and have my away message on and someone IM's me. Its like being at my house with my door locked and someone breaks down my door.

I'm not against drunk driving, I'm just against DUIs.

I'm not an angry drunk, I'm an angry sober. If I'm at a party and there's no booze. I'm busting skulls.

Cops are impossible to please. They tell you to move your car, you move it, and ask if its OK. And they're like "Well, that works I guess." I don't know what it is with cops that made them such assholes. Its either they were bullies in high school and wanna still boss people around with the little power they have or they were nerds and wanna get back at "cool people" by busting parties and handing out MICs. Fuck the police.

Its stupid how some people use their top 8/16/20 as a ranking system or take it out on people. Example: "OMG, Sally didn't call me back, I'm totally bumping her to #8!" You can't do that in real life.

Here's what the phrase "He's/She's not my type" really means: They are ugly.

Tuesday, July 4, 2006

No. 16 "The Fake World."

As a TV and movie advocate, (AKA someone who has too much time on their hands,) I have a vast knowledge of "The Fake World." What is the Fake World you may be asking your computer screen? Well the fake world is what writers and producers create, and you watch and believe that it is real. I have grown up on TV and movies and it has taught me everything I know about sex, girls, drugs, alcohol, parties, and friends. Now I will make a list of the most important life lessons I have learned from The Fake World.

  • Parents don't exist and I can do whatever I want. All I need is a little charm, a cool zig-zag t-shirt, and some bleach blonde hair.
  • All my friends are in every single one of my classes.
  • Nerds have funny voices and always wear high pants, glasses, and have messy hair. And despite being smart, Zach and his D+ average can always trick them.
  • Jocks wear their letterman jackets every day.
  • You can stop time by saying "time out" and making the appropriate symbol with your hands.
  • Drinking a sip of beer will lead you to wreck your car.
  • No matter how much mischief you cause, how much homework you don't do, and how much trouble you get into, the principal will give you a "Ohhh Zach..." and forget about everything.
  • You can get in UCLA just because of high SAT scores even though you slacked off all four years in high school and rarely went to class.
  • There's no such thing as black people.

  • Bob Saget is funny.
  • If you get upset you can just run away from your problems and dramatic music will play and nobody will come after you.
  • Twenty people can live in one house.
  • Mullets are cool.
  • "Paaalease" said by a 4 year old is funny.
  • A 40 year old man (Danny) bickers with a 13 year old (Kimmy) girl every week.
  • You can conquer any issue or problem that comes your way in a 30 minute time period. And if its really bad, it will all be settled next week.
  • San Fransisco doesn't have any homosexuals.
  • Having a sip of alcohol at your school dance is the worst thing in the world.

  • You will have a teacher that is also your neighbor that follows you from middle school to high school to college just because he "happens" to have a PhD.
  • You will fall in love and marry the first girl you ever dated.
  • If you are poor, you can complain about it all the time.
  • If you wear a leather jacket and ride a motorcycle, you are automatically the "cool teacher."
  • You can disappear for 4 years, and come back for one episode because "you were on the other side of the school."
  • Its easy to be brainwashed by cults.
  • You can tell a girl that you will only date her for two weeks and she'll be fine with it.
  • You will go to the same college as your best friend, girlfriend and brother.

Monday, June 26, 2006

No. 15 "Random Thoughts Part 6."

On Facebook, (AKA Myspace's brother in college) you can have a little away message and I've been messing around with it lately. But whenever I want to put hilarious away messages like "I am fucking your mom." It says "You are fucking your mom." It's nice that Facebook changes up the possessive tone, but it makes me look like a inbreeder to myself.

I love the differences in gender lingo when it comes to arguments. Girls will use words such as "sweetheart," "honey," and "pumpkin" in a negative connotation, which is genius! They will be yelling at each other, and one of them well be like "Listen up honey, you're a slut!" and the other one will be like "No, you're the slut, sweetheart." Its an insult wrapped in a compliment. I wouldn't know whether to hug or punch them. As for guys, we're straight up. If we're mad at you, we'll call you a fag, douche bag, dick, fucker, ect. And we'll wrap that insult with a fist-in-face.

For Kudos on Blogs: Give two or zero. Don't give one. What's the point. "Eh, it was semi entertaining, I will give you half the amount of kudos because you could have done better. Hopefully you will try harder next time and you will get both of my kudos I have to give. But right now I'm taking your other kudos with me, bitch."

Bands are the homeless people of Myspace. They are pan-handlers asking everyone to add them. Instead of asking for money, they want you as a friend. I wonder what it would be like if hobos asked people to be their friends instead of asking for money.

I hate movies where kids outsmart adults. In real life those fuckers would be toast in 2 minutes. I can take any 10 year old, any day of the week, they aren't that clever.

I remember back when I played basketball/soccer/baseball as a kid, whenever I acted up or did something wrong the coach would say "Patrick! go take a lap! Oh, you're talking back? Make that five!" I wonder if that concept would work in real life. Say I get charged with robbery and instead of jail time, the judge gives me 100,000 laps.

Guys with six-packs never ever miss an opportunity to take their shirts off.

I've been going to the lake/river a lot lately and I've noticed that everyone is tatted up. Tats on their back, tats on their arms, tats above their cooch. Everywhere. Is their some sort of secret law that if you are near water you need ink on your skin?

There is no way a man can look cool with a purse. You know what I'm talking about. Your girlfriend or the girl you're currently banging goes into the bathroom and asks you to hold on to her purse. It doesn't matter if you hold it behind your back, with two fingers, or to the side. It is impossible to look manly with a purse. Don't even try.

On the other hand, girls can pull off just about anything that man usually have. Have her carry a gun, that's hot. Have her with a bottle of beer. Hot. Have her with another girl. There we go.

Monday, June 19, 2006

No. 14 "An Open Letter To Hilary Duff."

Here is a little article on Hillary Duff I found hilarious.

Hilary Duff has issued a stinging response to the New York Times movie critic who described her acting as "talent-challenged." Stephen Holden has consistently slammed Duff's teen comedy movies and singled out her performances particularly. But Duff insists she isn't making movies for New York Times readers. She tells Elle magazine, "He doesn't really fit the demographic. So I could really care less. Look at me, and look at where he is - sorry! Would he prefer that I take some super-adult role that is inappropriate so I would have no place to grow? Suppose the next thing I did was this super-edgy independent movie where I was pregnant or shooting up. What would that do to my fanbase?"

Hey Hil, can I call you Hil? Anyway, hows fame? Do you enjoy getting whatever you want because you're a dumb, generic blonde? Well, if you want your "fame" to last longer than another year you can't make the same god damn movies over and over. You need to look outside the box and pick a role that isn't a cookie-cutter romantic comedy about a girl meeting a guy, problems in the middle, and a happy ending. You just have interchangeable static characters and everyone is sick of it. For every shitty movie you make, ten good scripts from original screenwriters are turned down. You are the reason the American cinema is going in the fucking toilet. Oh, and nice shot at the critic, you self-important brat. You are the reason little 12 year-old girls dress like whores, wear make up and give up their childhood for adulthood far too early. And I love this whole "I don't have a care in the world" attitude you have on everything. Have you ever heard of an opinion? Of course not. Suppose you do make a well made, original, thought provoking film. Maybe then people might respect you. There is not one critic in the world that thinks you're a good actress. What a crazy idea? A movie about what really happens in real life. Wow, what an insane idea. Your fan base is growing up and soon they will realize that you are a talentless, dumb, arrogant bitch. Enjoy your fame Hilary, it will be gone in no time.


Monday, June 12, 2006

No. 13 "De-coding Myspace Profiles."

Being a Myspace whore veteran, I have noticed some things on people's profile's that makes me laugh. People like to write about themselves, a lot. So I will point out what they really mean when they say...

Total lie, you love it. This usually means that he/she likes to create a lot of drama and doesn't like when people react or retaliate towards their words or actions. I hate drama but I don't tell everyone.

My Best Friends are...:
I don't fucking care. This isn't a popularity contest (Actually Myspace kind of is, but whatever.) You have a top 8 for a reason, this is just redundant. Stop it, skank.

I don't expect you to understand me or even like me:
Um, what the fuck are you talking about? You are a stupid teenage girl, not a complicated post-modern novelist. I'm pretty sure you aren't that damn complicated. I do know that you have "tons of friends," do whatever you want, have an expensive purse, and you "DGAF". This doesn't impress anyone, play tag in the freeway.

I don't give a fuck what people think of me:
Again, a big fucking lie. You put that on your profile so you seem independent and and sovereign. It really means that you care what people think of you more than most people. You have low self-esteem, and without Myspace you would be depressed. That's why you post 15 bulletins about you new pic that looks exactly like all the other ones. (Shitty.)

I never really know what I want:
"I'm stupid and can't make up my mind on anything. I only care about myself and I can live off my parent's money forever, so why should I even try? Where's my Prada handbag?"

I love my boyfriend:
"I'm not gonna fuck you. Unless..."

Cali girls do it better:
Do what better? Write better Myspace profiles? Definitely not. Give better head? Yes.

I dislike most people:
"I'm a mean bitch and I wrote that because I think that since I'm hot and I can say whatever I want. I will probably end up marrying one of the people I dislike."

I'll try to write back, but I'm busy:
"I think I'm a celebrity because I'm hot and have new pics every other day. Teenage boys drool over me and I'm so cool that I can't even respond to everyone's email since I get too many messages. I'm telling you this because I have enough time to write about myself, but not enough time to write back to you. KISSES!"

I hate Myspace:
"I love Myspace, and I am just saying that to say it. Without Myspace my life wouldn't seem as important. I couldn't use emo songs and different Myspace backgrounds to express my feelings anymore and I would be sad."

Monday, June 5, 2006

No. 12 "Random Thoughts Part 5."

I read this on a Myspace bulletin a couple days ago:
"A girl asked a boy if she was pretty, He She asked him if he would want to be with her forever... and he said no. She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, he said no. She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm and said.... You're not pretty you're beautiful. I don't want to be with you forever. I need to be with you forever. And I wouldn't cry if you walked away...I'd die..."
-Where to start? Well, this never happened and will never happen. Guys don't speak from movie scripts, sorry ladies. Maybe if you didn't think that every guy should be like this you wouldn't be disappointed so often. In reality, we expect each other to be like unreal people. There is nothing wrong with being great to your significant other, but when I see these fake stories passed around it makes me think "do girls really believe this bullshit?"

I love it when I'm just sitting in my dorm, bored and I open my fridge and find out a beer I never drank. I had no idea it had existed, it was like a magic beer sent from God himself. Too bad it was a Natty Light.

Dogs are way better than cats, no contest. Don't even try to debate me. And yes, Dogs are capitalized and cats are not. That's the way it is.

If a person's Myspace pictures are only from far away, of celebrities, or of their friends, they are probably ugly. Instead of being like those other Myspace whores that photoshop and crop the shit out of their picture to make themselves look fake-attractive. These people are just too lazy to do all that work.

As far as groupies for rock bands go, they always go for the lead singer, guitarist, and drummer. The bassist never gets any play, and if they do, its the lead singer's sloppy seconds. That's why I hate the bassist from Fall Out Boy. He acts like the lead singer and always stands in the middle in photographs and is the main character in their music videos. Attention douche bag: You are a bassist, stand back and realize that you're the 4th most important person in the band.

Anyone that wears sunglasses inside is automatically a douche bag.

Its funny when a movie/TV show comes out and the character has a memorable name. Example: Julia Gulia from The Wedding Singer. Whenever I meet a girl named Julia I have to call her that. That's probably why I have no friends named Julia. Another example would be Timmy from South Park. My little brothers' name is Tim and I have to call him "TIMM-AY!!" whenever it pops in my head. I hope there's no movie that comes out with something involving my name. Well, you can't really rhyme with Patrick, so that's good.

Here's what you need to do to become a Platinum Singer: write a dopey song in 5 minutes that includes rhymes like "I once knew a girl named Amanda, and she liked her banana." Oh, and you have to be Adam Sandler.

Hot girls always travel in a pack. And that pack of girls is always hot as hell, or gross as hell. But, every once in a while you'll see a pack of hot girls and all of them are hot except one big fat chick. I wonder if all the hot girls realized that the fatty was with them, or maybe the fat girl got confused and went into the wrong pack and the hot girls were just too stupid to realize.

Here is a nice little quote from Tom: Bulletins are currently undergoing special maintenance. They'll be back soon. :-)
Um, I want to fucking post a bulletin about what kind of Laguna Beach star is most like me. I don't tolerate excuses, and that gay little smiley face doesn't make me forget that I can't post a damn bulletin. This wouldn't work in real life. Example: I hit you with my car. I get out of my car, say "Your legs are currently not moving. Maybe they will work again later." Then I smile. I'm pretty sure that wouldn't work.

Monday, May 22, 2006

No. 11 "Girls With Guy Friends."

When I first meet a girl, I want to get to know her since girls love talking about themselves and they will think that I actually care as long as I nod my head and smile. But, the one thing that always bothers me is when a girl says "I only have guy friends." When this is said it means a couple things, all bad.

She will explain that she only hangs out with guys because "girls are bitches and I don't get along with them," which I will agree with. But, I am a guy and I know how guys think. I'm not stupid, I know that all of her guys don't just want to be "her friend." They all want to fuck her. There is not one straight man in the world that just wants to be just friends with a hot girl. They don't want to help her with her relationship problems or hear about how some guy fucked her over. They want to be the guy fucking her over. No one wants to be that sorry sap that just has to keep her head up when she realizes that the guy she thought she liked actually likes her friend.

And if I brought up this ludicrous idea she would be like "No way, they're all sweethearts, they're all like my brothers." Excuse me naive girl, but you're fucking wrong. They all just are in line to bone you, they just haven't had the opportunity yet. They use the friendship shield so that you don't think they are sexually interested in you, but in reality they are just waiting for the chance to hookup with you. Wake up, hoe. All guys aren't the same, but when it comes to certain situations, we all act the same.

Here's an example from their POV: Girl is dating a guy, he does/says something that makes her upset. She calls her guy friend. He comes over to comfort her, comforting leads to hugging, hugging leads to kissing, kissing leads to boinking.

These guys aren't dumbasses, they know what's up. They know that her new boyfriend is going to fuck up and they will be there to "comfort" her (with their dicks.) They are working from the inside and she talks about him to them. They already have a game plan set up and are just waiting for him to say something wrong or do something "mean" so they can take advantage of her current state.

I understand that it is easier to get along with guys than girls since chicks can be total bitches, but this is also how sausage fests happen at parties. I invite three girls and expect them to bring some of their girl friends. They all come and bring a bunch of guys. They have officially ruined the party. Fuck.

All and all, girls with only guy friends are bad news. Girls with girl friends are bad news too but at least none of them want to fuck her, some of them probably want to fuck you.

Monday, May 15, 2006

No. 10 "The Last Day."

Oh, nostalgia. Another year of college has come and gone and I have had plenty of memories (and hangovers) to leave me thinking about it for months. But, my favorite slash not favorite part of the year is The Last Day. Basically, the last day consists of your final test, returning books, trying to spend every last penny you have on your university card, cleaning, moving out, and saying good bye to all your friends that aren't fortunate enough to live in Arizona all year round (Sorry my Alaskan friends, your state sucks.)

The Last Final:
My last day pretty much started at 3 am when I couldn't get to fucking sleep because my roommate was typing to his friends back home. I wanted to say something but I was in that half-sleep/half-awake phase and I didn't want to snap out of it. I woke up at 7:30 to go to my EM-325 final that I didn't study for, but knew I would get at least a B in. I take the test, it ended up being pretty easy and when I finish my last question I finally realize that the school year is over and summer has fucking began. Fuck vertical integration and Metro Survey Areas, I don't need to know that over the summer. I can empty it out of my head and when school rolls back around I can try to bit and piece it back in my head.

Then I turn in my test and my professor tells me that I have six absences (which for a college student is nothing) and he only allows three. Every absence after that means 1 grade letter reduction. I was not pleased. That makes no sense, I got good grades on all the tests and papers and because of a technicality I'm gonna get a D or an F. FUCK NO. Clever Patrick takes a hold. I tell him that I hadn't gotten the sign in sheet a couple times and that I know for a fact I had only missed three classes. He asks me to get my notes to verify that I was in class those days.
I rush back to my dorm to get my notes and there's a bunch of empty spaces because I really did miss six classes (Actually, probably more than that.) I go through my notes and put bullshit writing in that make no sense to what was being taught in that lesson. I rush back to his office and show him that I was in fact at class those days and even have the proof. He looks through my notes and sees that there are words and says "Oh ok, then no problem. Your grade in the class is a B" Thank you God for making me such a good liar.

Cleaning the Room:
After I get that settled I decide to clean my room and start packing shit. Its crazy what you will find in a college kids room after 9 months. Oh, that's what was smelling up my room! (Old salsa.) I didn't know I had a fifth of vodka in my room? That could have helped me out earlier in the year. There's my favorite T-shirt -- oh never mind its covered in salsa. This isn't mine! (Some girls skirt.) I found my history notes that would have helped me from bombing a test, and about $90 in pennies that I threw away because, c'mon who the fuck uses pennies? Lincoln sucks.

Selling Your Books:
It was off to the bookstore. My favorite place in the world that I have been to 3 times since college began. I get there and it looks like there's a line for Space Mountain in front of me. I almost just left, but I knew I could use the beer money. I eventually get to the front of the line and this lady that looks like my grandma's mom is there. I put down my 4 books and she scans them all. "Well, I can give you $20 for that one, and $1 for the rest." Well, I can break you hip in four places, you old bag! Give me my money! $1 for a text book? OK, this book is hardcover and has like 400 pages, its worth at least $5 in paper alone. I would rather burn it and fuck up the environment than give it to you for a dollar. You cant even buy a soda for a dollar, let alone matches and lighter fluid. And I know this bitch is gonna take all my books and sell them for like $50 each. I tell her where she can go (hell) and what she can suck (my balls) and then take my books, back walking away realizing that with $3 I could buy 2 sodas. So I turn around and get my $3. What ev, I don't give a shit.

Moving Out:
One fun part of moving out is seeing everyone else doing it too. You get to see those kids that you know as crazy mother fuckers in a different light. They are all polite and sober now that their parents are with them. You get to see random people's aging dads struggling to carry their cots into the car and realizing that they aren't strong enough. And you get to point out to your friends that their mom is a milf. As usual I am a procrastinator and didn't sign up to have a move out time so my friend Branden informs me that the list is full for today and I'll have to wait until tomorrow to move out. FUCK THAT. Clever/Liar Patrick has woken again. I walk up to the front desk and demand that I be allowed to move out today because I have a flight tonight. The guy at the desk was like "Uh, dude, there's a bunch of spots open, you can move out whenever." Oh. I just made an ass of myself. I go back and punch Branden in the back of the head for being a retard and relax until my dad comes up to Flagstaff. My dad finally makes it up and we literally squeeze every last thing into my car and we leave the great city of Flagstaff for Scottsdale. Summer begins...

Things/People I won't miss about Flagstaff:
-That motherfucker that drives a Ferrari to class everyday. The campus is a mile long and he has to drive his fucking Ferrari to class every day of the week. And I always see this pompous asshole revving his engine at stop lights and I want to throw my smoothie at his car. I will not miss that douche bag.

-The trash truck that wakes me up every day of the year at 7 am. I unfortunately don't have a view of beautiful mountains or greenery from my room. I have to pleasure of looking out my window and seeing three huge dumpsters full of trash, used condoms, and beer cans. I will not miss the trash ruck.

-Those damn hippies that ride their long boards barefoot. Seriously, don't they realize that you have to wear shoes pretty much everywhere you go. I know that you're uber-unique and totally rad but get a clue. I'll see your dumbass at Burning Man. I will not miss the hippies.

-My holier-than-thou born-again Christian RA that is younger than me. This guy knows that I hate him for calling the cops on me the first week of school because I had a party in the room and now he thinks we're buddy-buddy. He walks into my room every day to have small talk about class, my weekend, ect. And I just sit at my desk and don't look up and half-answer all his questions. "Class Good," "Weekend fun." "Go away." I will not miss my lame RA.

Things/People I will miss about Flagstaff:

-Constant drunkenness
-Partying on a Thursday even though I have Friday morning test
-Drunk sorority girls
-Cali girls
-Downtown Flag
-Nice cool weather
-Living within walking distance of all my friends
-No parents
-No chores
-No cleaning
-Hanging out with crazy foreigners
-Hearing Dave Matthews and OAR every where I go

Monday, May 8, 2006

No. 09 "Random Thoughts Part 4."

Every once in a while if I'm at a party and had a couple drinks and there's no good looking females and see a girl who otherwise would be average looking, but in this situation she ranks better because she's in a room full of sub-pars. This is how Coyote Ugly's happen. You think to yourself "Hmm, well compared to all these gila monsters, she's hot..." But luckily a couple real hot girls come in and you snap out of it. Watch out of these "counterfeit-hotties."

I hate those cameras that flash twice. Everyone gets all together and is smiling and the first flash goes off and they think its done, but your picture ends up looking like a retard convention.

Only British people can use "good day" as an insult. If I said it, you would be like "Um, thanks man."

At my school, every once in a while they will have a tour group of kids that are planning on attending NAU in the fall. They walk around campus with some pompous junior who thinks he know everything. Most of the time these kids are with their parents and I like walking by them with some of my friends and act like I'm in a middle of a conversation. I say something to the tune of "Dude! I can't believe you fucked that goat, you're crazy!" Or, "Oh man I smoked so much crack last night, I love college. If my parents knew what I did they'd kill me!" I just love seeing the shocked faces of these parents.

I hate that one ARMY commercial where the guy comes back home to all his buddies and they ask him how the army is and he says he's working with computers and they're like "Well, couldn't you have done that here?" Then he sternly says "No." What a fucking douche bag. These are your friends, I guess after you get back from the army you turn into an asshole. And by the way, you could work with computers here you dumbass. The army doesn't own all the computers on earth. Now take your gay hat and leave.

If a girl describes herself as a "free spirit" it just means that she smokes pot, writes poetry and wears horn rimmed glasses. It doesn't mean she is special or unique at all.

I think its funny that my T9 for my cell phone "Ounces" comes before "Number." Verizon must be owned by a bunch of drug dealers.

Since everyone loves Chuck Norris jokes:
Tom once told Chuck Norris that he couldn't log in to his Myspace because of technical difficulties. Chuck Norris said "No one tells Chuck Norris what to do!" then roundhouse kicked Tom and took all his friends. Chuck Norris now owns Myspace.

How to tell the difference between a Freshman and an upperclassmen at NAU: Ask "When was the last time you drank?" An upperclassmen will answer "Hmm... last weekend." A Freshman will answer "Dude, I'm drunk right now!" Then he will attempt to high five you.

The best feeling in the world: Getting a girl you thought you had no chance in hell to get. Its like when you think you bomb a test, then find out you got an A. Either way you're telling all your friends.

Wednesday, May 3, 2006

No. 08 "That Guy."

Being of college age, everyone knows "that guy." He can be an asshole, dumbass, assmuncher, ass-fag, or any other negative connotation of the word ass. He is never invited to parties, but somehow always is there. He acts like he has tons of friends, but everyone around him seems to want to kick him in the fucking throat. Here are some ways to spot "that guy."

That Guy and Girls:
He goes up to every girl at the party and hits on them. It doesn't matter how out of his league they are, he doesn't care. He tells the lamest jokes that you heard in 8th grade and didn't even laugh at then. No matter how disgusted girls act towards him he doesn't get it. "Oh, she'll be screaming my name later. Ah ha ha ha." No she will not, her boyfriend will ass rape you if you hit on her again. He can also be "the cockblocker" which some of you have heard of.

That Guy and Beer:
He conveniently never has any money for beer even though he brags about his $150 jacket. "You guys are getting some more beer? I'll throw down." He never throws down and he drinks more beer than anyone, but only drinks half of each beer like a pussy because he forgets where he put it down. "Fuck it, I didn't pay for it, I'll do another keg-stand!"

That Guy and Annoyance:
Hey, its a party, its all about meeting new people and having fun. But that guy loves to annoy the shit out of everyone, especially you. He has to tell you his lame, totally made up stories. Every time you say something he has to one-up you. "Oh, you've won 7 games of beer pong? One time me and my friend one 20 straight games and weren't even drunk." You are a fucking liar, burn in hell. He is also the guy that "pants" random people because he thinks its "so funny." He always has the most annoying laugh in the world.

That Guy and Music:
He always has the worst taste in music and talks about shitty bands that nobody likes. He will go through your CDs and find something he likes and change the music. Why would he do this? Because he doesn't fucking care. "Naw man, Limp Bizkit is totally party music." Make sure to have someone watch the stereo and if a guy that resembles a douche bag walks up and tries to change the music, throw a rock at his head.

That Guy and Cheating:
He will cut in line in beer pong. He thinks that if he puts his name on the side of the list and points an arrow above everyone that means he is in front. No, this is considered cutting and where I come from if you cut, you get cut (stabbed.) I don't know what loop hole in the official beer pong rules you think you found, but you are going to the back of the line, buddy. He also cuts in line for the keg and tries to put his cup above yours. Nice try, but I was here before you. Your little trick isn't going to work, bitch.

That Guy and Clumsiness:
He is the clumsiest drunk there is. He'll beer bong half a beer and fall over and knock over your grandma's earn. "Whoa, whoops man, totally sorry." He just walks away, no big deal. Its not his house, so he can do whatever he wants. He's too lazy to lift up the seat so he pisses all over it. He'll go into your room and lay on your bed, watching your TV while spilling beer on your down comforter.

That Guy and Invites:
Somehow this douche bag found out about the party and he decided to bring all his equally lame and loud friends (all dudes of course.) This is the worst thing that can happen to a party. You see the door open and you see: dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, and more dudes. They didn't bring any girls, money, or alcohol. They are the worst kind of people. The Moochers.

I hope this tips helped you, and the next time you're at a party you can point out this guy and have him beaten. And if you were reading this and realized that you are "that guy," you should have a Drain-O shake, they're really good for you, I swear.
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