Tuesday, August 5, 2008

Beer By Location.

I've noticed that people treat beer differently by it's location. If you are at a random party playing a drinking game you drink that shit like its going out of style. Chug half of it then you throw the rest in the neighbor's pool. It's free, who gives a shit? But, when you are paying $10 for 12 ounces of liquid gold at a baseball game you sip that shit like fine wine. If someone knocks over your beer at said random party, no big deal. But, if a six year old kid at his first baseball game bumps into you and makes you spill 2 sips of your beer you knock his ass to the ground and curb stomp him. Strange isn't it?
Just a thought...

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

No. 51 "You Got Served, Bitch."

Ah, working. It’s the best, especially when your job’s main focus is customer service, AKA kissing ass with a smile. I kiss so much ass at work my lips get chapped. I’ve been a server for a few months now, and you learn a lot about life and people while handing out Ice Teas and serving spaghetti. Being a server, you learn to change the way you talk and act around different people, and I thought I’d write a blog about working in the food service industry, and what I’ve learned so far.

As many that work as a server know, pleasing the customer is key. If you want a good tip you gotta do a few things. (Unless you’re a chick, then all you gotta do is be hot.) First, don’t use profane language or racial slurs around the customers, many find this offensive for some reason. Families like to come into restaurants and a lot of the time they bring kids. It’s not recommended to tell the kids to shut the fuck up or smack them in the back of the head. Parents usually don’t appreciate this. And finally, attempt “giving a fuck.” When they tell you what they want to eat, you may want to write it down and put the order into the computer. You probably don’t want to decide what they are going to eat for yourself, or ask for extra cheese on the pasta when they are deathly allergic. Important tips for the future, folks.

Employee relations is also a vital ingredient in a restaurant. Normally there are two different groups in a restaurant. The English speaking people (Servers, Managers, Hostesses) and Mexicans. (Cooks, Dishwashers) Bridge this gap by getting to know the other group. If you are a server, chat with one of the cooks and if you are a dish washer, translate this blog into Spanish and flirt with the underage hostess. Personally I have crossed over to the other group and get along great with the cooks. They love to joke around though, by cooking my orders late and spraying hot water at me. But, its alright because they have a special nick name for me: Perra Muda.

Getting along with your boss isn’t always easy for everyone. A lot of bosses ask a lot from their employees like coming into work on time… and sober! I know, a bit uptight. It’s hard to roll out of bed at 4 pm sober and in work attire. When talking shit about your boss, you may want to look around for them, bosses don’t exactly like walking up when you are calling them a cunt muscle. Bosses also don’t really like when you sleep at work, especially on the table you are in the middle of serving. It gets in the way of their entrees. Talking on your cell phone while smoking a cigarette inside might not be the best idea either. Just do one or the other, you need your other hand to bring drinks to your table.

At times, you will get a “difficult” table. (AKA old fucks) These delightful senior citizens might need you to repeat the specials a few dozen times, complain that you gave them the wrong food when they just forgot what they ordered, or give you a 5% tip. You have to treat each table the same, respectfully. There is no need to spit in their food, change the amount of tip they give you on their credit card receipt or knock over their wheel chair. Another “difficult” group that comes into restaurants are teenagers. They are really cool with their sunglasses on inside and their blonde tipped hair. Oh look! That kid is blowing bubbles in his root beer. How hilarious and clever! Teenagers will also leave great tips, 45 cents on a $20 tab? Its my lucky day!

And finally, Server Lingo will take affect within the first week of working at a restaurant. What is server lingo you say to your computer screen? Well it is the words and phrases you say while working but never say anywhere else. You will say “folks” more times on your first day than you will have had said in the previous 21 years of your life. For some retarded reason I say “Absolutely” every chance I get. “Excuse me, could I get more ranch?” Absolutely. “Could we get the check?” Absolutely. “My son is choking, some one help!” Absolutely Not. I also use my server voice instead of my regular awesome voice. My server voice is super lame. It always sounds like I’m talking to a bunch of 3rd graders going on a field trip.

Well those are my thoughts on the food service industry. Its not the easiest job in the world. You do have to show up sober, kiss wrinkly old people ass and try not to assault children. But, its all worth it for the 45 cents you get at the end of the day. So there you go, you have just been served, bitch.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

No. 50 "How To Write A Blog."

I've written about sixty blogs over the last two years. Some about drinking, benign minutia, and being an asshole. And some about... actually, all of them are about that. Well a lot of my blogs have been "How To" type blogs detailing how to bang a stripper or rob the student store. Well, today is your lucky day children. I am going to teach you how I write my blogs. I know what you're thinking, how is that possible? Its like Di Vinci teaching someone calculus or Einstein teaching someone how to make bagels, but it is actually quite simple.

Step 1:
Sarcasm is key. That's pretty much the only tone I know how to write in. There may be no sarcasm font, (that I know of) but unless your audience is 3rd graders it shouldn't be that hard to comprehend. I'm not really a narcissist asshole. See, that's some good sarcasm.

Step 2:
If you don't offend someone you haven't done your job. Just go after everyone that is different than you. Don't be afraid to push the envelope. But, don't make fun of black people, that's wrong. (Actually, black people don't know how to read so you should be fine.)

Step 3:
Get drunk. I rarely write a blog sober and always write at night. The Beatles would be The Monkeys if it wasn't for LSD. Drugs are helpful too. So go out there and experiment some drugs. Weed doesn't count you pussy, grow up and do heroin like a man.

Step 4:
The type of language you use in your blogs is important. Slut, Douche Bag, Asshole, and Cum Dumpster aren't just words you use about your significant other when they're gone. And remember "Fuck" can be a noun, verb, adjective, and curse word.

Step 4.5:
Other than the buzz words I use that Jesus wouldn't approve of, it is important to seem semi-intelligent. Just use your computer's thesaurus to make a sentence seem more sophisticated. Example: The stripper had prodigious titties. Also, spell-check is vital. It took me three tries to spell thesaurus correctly.

Step 5:
Speak in the 4th person. I know what you're thinking, "There is no 4th person, retard." And your 10th grade English teacher is right, nerd. I made it up. Basically, 4th person is somewhere between 1st and 2nd person. I'll say "You" during a blog and I know you don't feel that way, or would do such a thing. I just don't want to incriminate myself... I mean yourself.

Step 6:
Write what you know. I don't spend much time volunteering my time, learning foreign languages, or being a good person. Therefore, my blogs seem to be more about booze, chicks, and kicking puppies. Hemmingway stuck to his terse prose style and I'll stick to my sophomoric sardonic style.


So go out there and write yourself a nonsensical, misogynistic and sometimes racist blog! But, don't let your mom read them because she'll send you to church to talk to Father Tom about being a good Catholic. True Story.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

No. 49 "First Date."

Ah, the first date. It can either be the start of a beautiful relationship between boy and girl or could end with a glass of Chardonnay in your face after an off-color joke. Either way, you have a story to tell your buddies. Here are some helpful tips on how to ruin your first date with a nice young lady.

Start With A Nice Gift:

-Some people start a date off with flowers or a plush toy, but you want to be original and leave a real impression on her. Condoms and lube will do the trick. She may act surprised or even angry, but she's just playing hard to get. And frankly, you're just being safe.

Equal Rights:
-Chivalry is dead, and ladies will think you're a pussy if you don't follow protocol. Things to avoid: opening doors, listening to her, and paying for dinner. Equal rights are a part of some amendment, and we wouldn't want a lawsuit on our hands, now would we?

Conversation:
-A great conversation is important for date chemistry. Tell her some stories about the crazy chicks you've banged and never called again. This will intrigue her and make her think that you are a regular Ron Jeremy.

Dining Etiquette:
-You don't want to be boring during the dinner section of your rendezvous. So take a couple shots and pound a couple brews before you order. Then, being the gentleman you are, order for her. Oh, she's allergic to tomatoes? Well she's just going to have to deal with it. Being open to new things is important on a first date. Burping will let the chef know that the meal was delicious and barfing on the table will let the bartender know when to cut you off.

While She's Freshening Up:
-When she kindly excuses herself to go to the ladies room to call her friends and tell them about what an amazing date she is having, start going through her purse. You can find out more about a girl through her purse than through her yapping. Also, while in her purse, grab some goodies for yourself. (Credit cards, Social security cards, ect.)

Being Kind To Your Dining Staff:
-Hitting on your waitress and grabbing her ass will just make your date want you more. It is a proven fact that girls want what they can't have. So, if your date believes that you and the waitress might eventually become an item, she will try harder for your attention. You sly dog you.

Making The First Move:
-Once you wipe the puke off your mouth go for that momentary first kiss. She may try to turn her head or call security, but being persistent is important on a first date.

Planning A Second Date:
-Once you walk your date to her door it is vital to get her phone number so you two can have an even better second date. If she refuses, you always have the goodies you got from her purse so you can find/stalk her for months to come.

It is important to note that these tips are not 100% guaranteed. Results may vary. Side effects include:

-Crotch Kicking.
-Reputation ruining.
-Mace-in-eyes disorder.
-Keyed Car Syndrome
-And Dandruff.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

No. 48 "Bucket List 2."

Since I have already accomplished the things I wanted to do on my first bucket list, I had to write another one. This time I'll need a time machine, some foreign language training and a monocle. Enjoy the thoughts that cloud my attention while I'm in class.

Out-argue an Angry, Obnoxious, Sometimes Overweight Black Woman.
-It may just be me, but whenever I see any of these shitty reality shows, there is always an overly confident, blowhard black woman that scares the bejesus out of all the other skanks on the show. This angry overweight black woman loves confrontation and always repeats the same word or phrase and some how wins the argument out of pure idiocracy and fear. I would love to argue with one of these retards and get them to shut the Fuck Up. I'm talking to you, New York!

Be So Shocked That I Drop My Monocle Into My Soup.
-I'll be a fancy gala event and someone will do something shocking, which will shock me so much that i drop my monocle into the soup that the waiter just put in front of me. This will be followed by me saying "My Word!" in a British accent. Now I just need to find myself a monocle...

Catch Foreigners Talking About Me in Another Language.
-This will be a great A-Ha! moment. I will learn every modern language known to man, then walk around big cities with many foreigners acting like a douche. (Stay out of Orange County) Then, when they start talking in their native tongue about me, insulting me, and thinking I cannot understand them. Then, A-Ha! I will confront them, speaking to them in their jibber-jabber language. They will be so shocked that they will die... and I will smile.

Kill The Messenger.
-This will be during my sinister bad guy years. Some nervous young kid that works for me will deliver me bad news which will anger me. I'll shoot him and then walk away as I light a cigar and motion for my henchmen to clean up the mess.

Stand Up To an 80's Preppy Bully.
-After I build my time machine to 1987 I will go to a high school and find the smug popular guy with the sweater tied around his shoulders. I'll pretend to be the new kid at school stealing his thunder, and at the prom (where everything always goes down) I'll catch him cheating on his girlfriend and then knock him onto the table of punch, ruining his cardigan. I'll go back to 2008 and become an 80's legend.

Shoot At Someone and Yell "Dance!"
I'll need my time machine again for this one, or I could just go to the South since it hasn't changed intellectually since the 19th Century. I'll go to some saloon and get into an argument with the barkeep over the price of my drink. I'll grab my pistol and start shooting at his feet. While he's jumping up and down I'll be throwing up my cowboy hat and yell "Dance!" Then, I'll come to my senses and realize he was correct about my tab, apologize, pay and be on my way.

Get Into a NYC Cab and Yell "Follow That Car!"
-This might be a problem in real life since no NYC cabbies speak English, but I just want to follow some car throughout the city, cutting off cars and running into newspaper stands. Once the car I'm chasing gets to its final destination I'll calmly get out of the cab and walk away, confusing the cabbie for the rest of his B.O. smelling life.

Get Into a Brawl at a Biker Bar.
-It will start with me walking into the bar, the music will turn off and all the bikers will give me a dirty look. I'll accidentally knock over the drink of the biggest, baddest biker. He and his hoodlums will all fight me and I'll beat them all with a pool stick. I'll leave the bar after taking a shot of whiskey and then knock over all the motorcycles like dominoes.

Finally Kill James Bond.
Alright, its been like 50 years and all these bad guys can't get the job done. They spend too much time devising elaborate plans on how to make him suffer using lasers and fancy equipment. I will just walk up to him at the bar while he's drinking his martini and shoot him in the fucking face. How hard is that, bad guys?

So, there you go. Sarcastic comment.

Thursday, April 24, 2008

No. 47 "Things You'll Never See At A Bar."

Whenever I go to a bar or club it always seems like its all the same. Same people, same situations, same pool table I pass out on, ect. Here are some things that I would like to see at a bar, but will probably never happen.

A Nice Bouncer:
You know the bouncer, a professional asshole. Shaved head, overweight, tribal tattoos, no smile. It would be nice to go to a club and have a bouncer smile and give me a high five as I walk in. Instead of asking me 27 questions about my ID and punching me in the stomach.

A Club Worth the Cover:
Every club I go to that has a cover charge always seems to hide any visibility of the inside so you can't see if its cool or not. And whenever I ask if it is cool, the answer is always "Hell yeah, so many ladies." But as soon as I pay the retarded $10 cover its full of 40 year old secretaries and my Dad's poker buddies. How about you let people check out the club and see if its worth the cover? Nope.

A Clean Bathroom:
That certainly would be nice. As much as I like stepping in piss and puke, its getting a little old. How about one of your lazy bouncers gets off his ass and cleans up the shit on the wall. Seriously, how did that happen?

Not A Single D-Bag:
They all seem to run in packs, like cockroaches. They go from bar to bar, hitting on chicks and spilling my fucking drink. There should be a bar where only D-bags can go. Oh yeah, its called Myst.

Real World Prices:
I understand a bar/club is a business and can charge whatever they want for drinks, but it frustrates me that the liquor store down the block will charge me $16.99 for a bottle of Absolut and as soon as I walk into a club the price goes up to $300... but,it comes with a table! Hell yeah, what a deal. Its like walking 500 years into the future.

A Bartender Who Serves People:
A lot of bars I go to are pretty damn packed, and I realize its busy, but for baby Jesus' sake can I get a fucking drink in less that ten minutes? I wait in the bizarro horizontal line that never seems to get to me, and by the time I get a drink, I'm sober again. Stop juggling bottles and get me a God damn drink you douche. No Tip. (P.S. This doesn't include Jed, one of the few bad ass bartenders)

So why do I deal with the mean bouncers, slow bartenders, and (literally) shitty restrooms? I don't know, it confuses me. Whatever, I'll be at the bar.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

No. 46 "Douchebaggery 101."

Hello, and welcome to Douchebaggery 101, your one-stop shop for becoming a douche bag in everyday life. Take a seat and just follow these simple steps and soon you will be chillin’ with your fellow douches, not smiling in pictures and poppin’ as many collars as humanly possible.

Chapter 1:
What are you wearing? A regular T-shirt that doesn’t call attention to yourself? I don’t think so. Now throw on this pink polo… and this green polo… and this orange polo. Now pop all three collars. The ladies will notice you three times more and want to bang you. And if they don’t, they must be lesbians.

Chapter 2:
Your hair, um… needs some work. Take this 5 lb. tub of Guido Grease and pour it all over your head. Let it sit in for about a half an hour while you watch The Hills, then spike it up like an explosion. It is very important that you and your Douche Crew all have the same exact retarded hair style. (If you run out of gel, just use one of your douche friend’s semen, works the same.)

Chapter 3:
Watch all three seasons of Growing Up Gotti. These grandchildren of the infamous mass-murderer are really cool! Do as they do and act as they act. Only true O.G.’s go to private school, like Tupac.

Chapter 4:
Ok, so you’re from Chino, CA but want to sound more like a douche bag. (Like those from the Jersey Shore and Long Island) Well, just fill your mouth with sausages and talk normally. This will give you the illiterate idiot dialect you are looking for. “Whaa shoo lookin’ at huhhh?” Perfect.

Chapter 5:
Walk around with an undeserved sense of accomplishment. You’re on your way to getting your G.E.D., so be proud.

Chapter 6:
Eye-ball everyone at the club. You are tougher and more badass than all of them. No need to actually fight them though, you don’t want to ruin your fake Gucci shirt.

Chapter 7:
When meeting new people that are not douches like yourself, be a dumb asshole. Never look them in the eye, don’t shake their hand, and one-up them every chance you get. To recap: Do that upwards head shift as a proper greeting. Look around at nothing while they are talking. And tell them about the time you had a five-some. (Just don’t tell them that there was only one girl.)

Chapter 8:
Listen to your shitty music and play it as loud as possible in your shitty car.

Congrats! You have just passed DB 101. Don’t forget to always review your chapters when you feel the need to act like a normal person. Remember, you worked hard to look and sound like a retard, so be proud of yourself. Enrollment in DB 202 is open for the fall. Lectures will include: “The Loudest Fuck at the Bar,” “Hitting on Chicks Obviously Out of Your League,” and “Jaeger Bombs!!!”

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

No. 45 "April Fools Day Ideas."

Ah, my favorite day of the year, April Fool’s Day. The day where pranks and mischief come before work and school. Here are some pranks I’ve come up with to ruin someone’s day. Don’t have a prank set up yet? Use one of mine.

No Class Day:
I came up with this one when I had a canceled class one day. At NAU there is a generic document posted on the door notifying students that class for that particular course has been canceled for the day. My prank is to take one of the documents and photocopy hundreds of copies with the info whited out, and then write in the course name and professor. Then, put it on every door of every class. Students will go to the door, see that class has been “canceled” and go home. This will ruin the professor’s schedules and give everyone a day off.

Valet Day:
Go to your local golf club and wear your nicest vest. Find the coolest car coming up to the valet booth and kindly take their car. Smile, and go on a joy ride. The owner of the Ferrari will think it’s hilarious, even if the car is totaled.

Special Food Day:
Invite one of your friends over for a nice meal. It could be the Hindu kid that can’t eat beef, the Jewish kid that can’t eat pork, or the weird kid from your Anthropology class that is extremely allergic to peanuts. Cook them a special meal with that ingredient which they are not “supposed” to consume. Once they are finished, let them know about the secret ingredient. They may be upset, violent, or in the case of the weird kid from your Anthropology class… dead.

Professor Phun Day:
Start by going to class early. Replace all the dry erase markers with Sharpies. That way you will always have that day’s lecture on the board to help you with your upcoming test. Then, go to the computer and log on to CumFiesta.com. As soon as your professor turns on the overhead projector, the whole class with get an eyeful of cock and ass. And lastly, on your professor’s favorite chair, unscrew one of the bolts on the chair. Once your professor leans back in their chair they will fall right on their ass. Now that is a fun class period.

I’m Pregnant Day:
This one is simple and sweet. Well, maybe not sweet. So girls, call up your boyfriend and tell him you guys “need to talk.” This will give any guy Shit-Pants Syndrome. When you meet up with him, tell him you are pregnant and that you are going to keep the baby. Once he is done crying, tell him it was all a joke. (Warning: Stay away from flights of stairs while pulling this prank.)

Fucked Your Best Friend Day:
This is for all the guys to get back at their liar girlfriends in lieu of the aforementioned prank. Fuck her best friend. That’s it. Who needs creativity?

So go out and cause havoc and have fun. That’s what April Fool’s Day is all about, being immature. (P.S. I have actually done one of these pranks today. I’m pregnant.)

Thursday, February 7, 2008

No. 44 "My Bucket List."

I'm getting older in age, and I decided to write down the things I would like to do before I die, a Bucket List. Not a shitty buddy movie with Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman. Here are some things I would like to do before I croak...

Fart So Bad a Skunk Dies From The Smell
-I've had some pretty bad ones, but to make a skunk die from the smell would put a smile on my face.

Cock Slap One of Those Dumb Bitches That Asks Too Many Questions During Class
-You know these smart asses that as soon as class is wrapping up they have their retarded theories and questions they want to ask the professor. After I cock slap them, the class will applaud me and I will walk out of the room.

Call All Women "Dames" For A Full Year
-It seems like that was the rage in the 1940's but no one calls women dames anymore. I just think it would be cool and people would catch on.

Arrest A Cop
-Cops think they have all the power in the world, but I think it would be cool to go undercover and arrest a dirty cop and then say something from 21 Jump Street.

Point and Say "It Was HIM!" In a Court Room
-You always see this in movies and TV shows, but never in real life. I'll stand up and point at the culprit, and the court room will gasp as the judge slams down his gavel and says "Order! Order!" Yeah, that would be cool

Have A Mustache That I Can Twirl With My Finger
-And if I'm in the mood, tie a dame to rail road tracks and laugh hysterically.

Have Henchmen
-I'd just like to have a few big dudes at my beck and call to do my dirty work as I sit on my big chair and pet my cat.

Have A Crowd Do A Slow Clap For Me
-You see it in inspirational movies like Cool Runnings. I'll do something amazing and then some 8 year old kid in a wheel chair will stand up and start the slow clap and then everyone will join in. Even my arch nemesis will join the slow clap. It shall be righteous.

Be an Evil Super Hero
-Everyone wants to be a good super hero, saving people and doing good. But, if I was a super hero I would be too lazy to help people. Most of my time would be spent throwing 18 wheelers at buildings and stealing money out of banks.

Say Something Clever Right Before I Shoot a Bad Guy
-Every action movie from the 80's has the good guy say something clever right before he shoots the bad guy. I want to do that, preferably in front of a group of people so they will remember my clever catch phrase.

Yell "Get off my Plane!" to a Terrorist.
-Harrison Ford got to do it. But, first I need to own a plane. I can't tell someone to get off "my" plane if its owned by TWA. So, first I need a plane... then a terrorist.

Punch A Baby
-Check

So, that might be a less than ordinary Bucket List. Skydiving, curing AIDS, and traveling around the world may not be on my list. But, at least I'll have a cool mustache, and if you don't like it I'll send my henchmen after you!

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

No. 43 "Poor Bastard?"

Its the beginning of a new semester and instead of working over break you slept in until 3 p.m. and spent all your money on lap dances. You have borrowed (stolen) more money from your parents than you're comfortable bragging about to your friends. You are a poor bastard. But wait, don't put your alarm clock in your bathtub yet... you have hope.

Rob the student store:
Its easy and it's not like a bank where they're prepared for robberies. Just go in, smile to the overweight cashier and tell her to give you all the money in the register or you'll fucking blow her head off. Take the money, and while you're there, grab some school supplies, you never know when you'll need a protractor.

Roommate:
Roommates are great. To steal from. Just go through there wallet and take the big bills, leave them the small bills so they can still buy some Del Taco. Also, follow them to the ATM, find out their password and then take all their money! That way they won't be able to buy anymore of those retarded nick nacs.

Sell your semen:
Not sure how this works, but I saw it in a movie once. I think you're supposed to jack off into a cup (preferably your roommate's) and then go onto campus and sell it to people. Don't worry if people think you're weird, you're making money!

Parents:
Your parents are always there for you when you are out of money. But, if you have already asked for money six times this semester and you'll only three weeks in, you might have a problem. Thats where the pawn shop comes in. Go home for a weekend, eat some of mom's spaghetti, and pawn their car. The money should last you through the rest of the semester.

Sell Books:
You may have already used the money your parents gave you for books on hookers and tequila, but that doesn't mean you can't still sell your friends books. Ask a friend to borrow their book, sell it, and when they ask you where their book is get angry and tell them you gave it back to them. Punch them in the stomach if they ask again.

Sam's Club:
Go to your local Sam's Club or Costco, get a membership, and you're set. Whenever you are too poor for food, go there and chow down on some free samples. The sample people are old and senile so you can go to the bagel bite lady a couple times before people start asking questions.

Freshmen:
So, you're out of food, and your parents stopped your meal plan two years ago. Well, call up one of your freshmen friends and tell them you want to go out to eat and hang out. Meet them at the Union, have them buy you food and then bounce. Hunger no more.

Get a job:
Just kidding, jobs are for poor people.

So, use these helpful tips to make it through the semester without food stamps. You may have lost all your friends and your family may hate you, but at least you're not poor anymore. Best of luck my friends.
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