Monday, May 22, 2006

No. 11 "Girls With Guy Friends."

When I first meet a girl, I want to get to know her since girls love talking about themselves and they will think that I actually care as long as I nod my head and smile. But, the one thing that always bothers me is when a girl says "I only have guy friends." When this is said it means a couple things, all bad.

She will explain that she only hangs out with guys because "girls are bitches and I don't get along with them," which I will agree with. But, I am a guy and I know how guys think. I'm not stupid, I know that all of her guys don't just want to be "her friend." They all want to fuck her. There is not one straight man in the world that just wants to be just friends with a hot girl. They don't want to help her with her relationship problems or hear about how some guy fucked her over. They want to be the guy fucking her over. No one wants to be that sorry sap that just has to keep her head up when she realizes that the guy she thought she liked actually likes her friend.

And if I brought up this ludicrous idea she would be like "No way, they're all sweethearts, they're all like my brothers." Excuse me naive girl, but you're fucking wrong. They all just are in line to bone you, they just haven't had the opportunity yet. They use the friendship shield so that you don't think they are sexually interested in you, but in reality they are just waiting for the chance to hookup with you. Wake up, hoe. All guys aren't the same, but when it comes to certain situations, we all act the same.

Here's an example from their POV: Girl is dating a guy, he does/says something that makes her upset. She calls her guy friend. He comes over to comfort her, comforting leads to hugging, hugging leads to kissing, kissing leads to boinking.

These guys aren't dumbasses, they know what's up. They know that her new boyfriend is going to fuck up and they will be there to "comfort" her (with their dicks.) They are working from the inside and she talks about him to them. They already have a game plan set up and are just waiting for him to say something wrong or do something "mean" so they can take advantage of her current state.

I understand that it is easier to get along with guys than girls since chicks can be total bitches, but this is also how sausage fests happen at parties. I invite three girls and expect them to bring some of their girl friends. They all come and bring a bunch of guys. They have officially ruined the party. Fuck.

All and all, girls with only guy friends are bad news. Girls with girl friends are bad news too but at least none of them want to fuck her, some of them probably want to fuck you.

Monday, May 15, 2006

No. 10 "The Last Day."

Oh, nostalgia. Another year of college has come and gone and I have had plenty of memories (and hangovers) to leave me thinking about it for months. But, my favorite slash not favorite part of the year is The Last Day. Basically, the last day consists of your final test, returning books, trying to spend every last penny you have on your university card, cleaning, moving out, and saying good bye to all your friends that aren't fortunate enough to live in Arizona all year round (Sorry my Alaskan friends, your state sucks.)

The Last Final:
My last day pretty much started at 3 am when I couldn't get to fucking sleep because my roommate was typing to his friends back home. I wanted to say something but I was in that half-sleep/half-awake phase and I didn't want to snap out of it. I woke up at 7:30 to go to my EM-325 final that I didn't study for, but knew I would get at least a B in. I take the test, it ended up being pretty easy and when I finish my last question I finally realize that the school year is over and summer has fucking began. Fuck vertical integration and Metro Survey Areas, I don't need to know that over the summer. I can empty it out of my head and when school rolls back around I can try to bit and piece it back in my head.

Then I turn in my test and my professor tells me that I have six absences (which for a college student is nothing) and he only allows three. Every absence after that means 1 grade letter reduction. I was not pleased. That makes no sense, I got good grades on all the tests and papers and because of a technicality I'm gonna get a D or an F. FUCK NO. Clever Patrick takes a hold. I tell him that I hadn't gotten the sign in sheet a couple times and that I know for a fact I had only missed three classes. He asks me to get my notes to verify that I was in class those days.
I rush back to my dorm to get my notes and there's a bunch of empty spaces because I really did miss six classes (Actually, probably more than that.) I go through my notes and put bullshit writing in that make no sense to what was being taught in that lesson. I rush back to his office and show him that I was in fact at class those days and even have the proof. He looks through my notes and sees that there are words and says "Oh ok, then no problem. Your grade in the class is a B" Thank you God for making me such a good liar.

Cleaning the Room:
After I get that settled I decide to clean my room and start packing shit. Its crazy what you will find in a college kids room after 9 months. Oh, that's what was smelling up my room! (Old salsa.) I didn't know I had a fifth of vodka in my room? That could have helped me out earlier in the year. There's my favorite T-shirt -- oh never mind its covered in salsa. This isn't mine! (Some girls skirt.) I found my history notes that would have helped me from bombing a test, and about $90 in pennies that I threw away because, c'mon who the fuck uses pennies? Lincoln sucks.

Selling Your Books:
It was off to the bookstore. My favorite place in the world that I have been to 3 times since college began. I get there and it looks like there's a line for Space Mountain in front of me. I almost just left, but I knew I could use the beer money. I eventually get to the front of the line and this lady that looks like my grandma's mom is there. I put down my 4 books and she scans them all. "Well, I can give you $20 for that one, and $1 for the rest." Well, I can break you hip in four places, you old bag! Give me my money! $1 for a text book? OK, this book is hardcover and has like 400 pages, its worth at least $5 in paper alone. I would rather burn it and fuck up the environment than give it to you for a dollar. You cant even buy a soda for a dollar, let alone matches and lighter fluid. And I know this bitch is gonna take all my books and sell them for like $50 each. I tell her where she can go (hell) and what she can suck (my balls) and then take my books, back walking away realizing that with $3 I could buy 2 sodas. So I turn around and get my $3. What ev, I don't give a shit.

Moving Out:
One fun part of moving out is seeing everyone else doing it too. You get to see those kids that you know as crazy mother fuckers in a different light. They are all polite and sober now that their parents are with them. You get to see random people's aging dads struggling to carry their cots into the car and realizing that they aren't strong enough. And you get to point out to your friends that their mom is a milf. As usual I am a procrastinator and didn't sign up to have a move out time so my friend Branden informs me that the list is full for today and I'll have to wait until tomorrow to move out. FUCK THAT. Clever/Liar Patrick has woken again. I walk up to the front desk and demand that I be allowed to move out today because I have a flight tonight. The guy at the desk was like "Uh, dude, there's a bunch of spots open, you can move out whenever." Oh. I just made an ass of myself. I go back and punch Branden in the back of the head for being a retard and relax until my dad comes up to Flagstaff. My dad finally makes it up and we literally squeeze every last thing into my car and we leave the great city of Flagstaff for Scottsdale. Summer begins...

Things/People I won't miss about Flagstaff:
-That motherfucker that drives a Ferrari to class everyday. The campus is a mile long and he has to drive his fucking Ferrari to class every day of the week. And I always see this pompous asshole revving his engine at stop lights and I want to throw my smoothie at his car. I will not miss that douche bag.

-The trash truck that wakes me up every day of the year at 7 am. I unfortunately don't have a view of beautiful mountains or greenery from my room. I have to pleasure of looking out my window and seeing three huge dumpsters full of trash, used condoms, and beer cans. I will not miss the trash ruck.

-Those damn hippies that ride their long boards barefoot. Seriously, don't they realize that you have to wear shoes pretty much everywhere you go. I know that you're uber-unique and totally rad but get a clue. I'll see your dumbass at Burning Man. I will not miss the hippies.

-My holier-than-thou born-again Christian RA that is younger than me. This guy knows that I hate him for calling the cops on me the first week of school because I had a party in the room and now he thinks we're buddy-buddy. He walks into my room every day to have small talk about class, my weekend, ect. And I just sit at my desk and don't look up and half-answer all his questions. "Class Good," "Weekend fun." "Go away." I will not miss my lame RA.

Things/People I will miss about Flagstaff:

-Constant drunkenness
-Partying on a Thursday even though I have Friday morning test
-Drunk sorority girls
-Cali girls
-Downtown Flag
-Nice cool weather
-Living within walking distance of all my friends
-No parents
-No chores
-No cleaning
-Hanging out with crazy foreigners
-Hearing Dave Matthews and OAR every where I go

Monday, May 8, 2006

No. 09 "Random Thoughts Part 4."

Every once in a while if I'm at a party and had a couple drinks and there's no good looking females and see a girl who otherwise would be average looking, but in this situation she ranks better because she's in a room full of sub-pars. This is how Coyote Ugly's happen. You think to yourself "Hmm, well compared to all these gila monsters, she's hot..." But luckily a couple real hot girls come in and you snap out of it. Watch out of these "counterfeit-hotties."

I hate those cameras that flash twice. Everyone gets all together and is smiling and the first flash goes off and they think its done, but your picture ends up looking like a retard convention.

Only British people can use "good day" as an insult. If I said it, you would be like "Um, thanks man."

At my school, every once in a while they will have a tour group of kids that are planning on attending NAU in the fall. They walk around campus with some pompous junior who thinks he know everything. Most of the time these kids are with their parents and I like walking by them with some of my friends and act like I'm in a middle of a conversation. I say something to the tune of "Dude! I can't believe you fucked that goat, you're crazy!" Or, "Oh man I smoked so much crack last night, I love college. If my parents knew what I did they'd kill me!" I just love seeing the shocked faces of these parents.

I hate that one ARMY commercial where the guy comes back home to all his buddies and they ask him how the army is and he says he's working with computers and they're like "Well, couldn't you have done that here?" Then he sternly says "No." What a fucking douche bag. These are your friends, I guess after you get back from the army you turn into an asshole. And by the way, you could work with computers here you dumbass. The army doesn't own all the computers on earth. Now take your gay hat and leave.

If a girl describes herself as a "free spirit" it just means that she smokes pot, writes poetry and wears horn rimmed glasses. It doesn't mean she is special or unique at all.

I think its funny that my T9 for my cell phone "Ounces" comes before "Number." Verizon must be owned by a bunch of drug dealers.

Since everyone loves Chuck Norris jokes:
Tom once told Chuck Norris that he couldn't log in to his Myspace because of technical difficulties. Chuck Norris said "No one tells Chuck Norris what to do!" then roundhouse kicked Tom and took all his friends. Chuck Norris now owns Myspace.

How to tell the difference between a Freshman and an upperclassmen at NAU: Ask "When was the last time you drank?" An upperclassmen will answer "Hmm... last weekend." A Freshman will answer "Dude, I'm drunk right now!" Then he will attempt to high five you.

The best feeling in the world: Getting a girl you thought you had no chance in hell to get. Its like when you think you bomb a test, then find out you got an A. Either way you're telling all your friends.

Wednesday, May 3, 2006

No. 08 "That Guy."

Being of college age, everyone knows "that guy." He can be an asshole, dumbass, assmuncher, ass-fag, or any other negative connotation of the word ass. He is never invited to parties, but somehow always is there. He acts like he has tons of friends, but everyone around him seems to want to kick him in the fucking throat. Here are some ways to spot "that guy."

That Guy and Girls:
He goes up to every girl at the party and hits on them. It doesn't matter how out of his league they are, he doesn't care. He tells the lamest jokes that you heard in 8th grade and didn't even laugh at then. No matter how disgusted girls act towards him he doesn't get it. "Oh, she'll be screaming my name later. Ah ha ha ha." No she will not, her boyfriend will ass rape you if you hit on her again. He can also be "the cockblocker" which some of you have heard of.

That Guy and Beer:
He conveniently never has any money for beer even though he brags about his $150 jacket. "You guys are getting some more beer? I'll throw down." He never throws down and he drinks more beer than anyone, but only drinks half of each beer like a pussy because he forgets where he put it down. "Fuck it, I didn't pay for it, I'll do another keg-stand!"

That Guy and Annoyance:
Hey, its a party, its all about meeting new people and having fun. But that guy loves to annoy the shit out of everyone, especially you. He has to tell you his lame, totally made up stories. Every time you say something he has to one-up you. "Oh, you've won 7 games of beer pong? One time me and my friend one 20 straight games and weren't even drunk." You are a fucking liar, burn in hell. He is also the guy that "pants" random people because he thinks its "so funny." He always has the most annoying laugh in the world.

That Guy and Music:
He always has the worst taste in music and talks about shitty bands that nobody likes. He will go through your CDs and find something he likes and change the music. Why would he do this? Because he doesn't fucking care. "Naw man, Limp Bizkit is totally party music." Make sure to have someone watch the stereo and if a guy that resembles a douche bag walks up and tries to change the music, throw a rock at his head.

That Guy and Cheating:
He will cut in line in beer pong. He thinks that if he puts his name on the side of the list and points an arrow above everyone that means he is in front. No, this is considered cutting and where I come from if you cut, you get cut (stabbed.) I don't know what loop hole in the official beer pong rules you think you found, but you are going to the back of the line, buddy. He also cuts in line for the keg and tries to put his cup above yours. Nice try, but I was here before you. Your little trick isn't going to work, bitch.

That Guy and Clumsiness:
He is the clumsiest drunk there is. He'll beer bong half a beer and fall over and knock over your grandma's earn. "Whoa, whoops man, totally sorry." He just walks away, no big deal. Its not his house, so he can do whatever he wants. He's too lazy to lift up the seat so he pisses all over it. He'll go into your room and lay on your bed, watching your TV while spilling beer on your down comforter.

That Guy and Invites:
Somehow this douche bag found out about the party and he decided to bring all his equally lame and loud friends (all dudes of course.) This is the worst thing that can happen to a party. You see the door open and you see: dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, and more dudes. They didn't bring any girls, money, or alcohol. They are the worst kind of people. The Moochers.

I hope this tips helped you, and the next time you're at a party you can point out this guy and have him beaten. And if you were reading this and realized that you are "that guy," you should have a Drain-O shake, they're really good for you, I swear.

Monday, May 1, 2006

No. 07 "Roommates."

In college you will undoubtedly have at least one roommate (unless you're one of those kids whose parents buy your own room because you're such a social outcast.) You can pick your roommate, but sometimes you don't have that option, so you are given a random roommate.
Now, if you get a random roommate you have to make sure they know this is "your fucking room." You want to be the alpha male in this room and have all power. Make his life miserable and hopefully he'll move out by Thanksgiving Break.

Here are some ways to do this:
-When you first meet them, shake their hand real firmly.
-Talk more than them.
-Fuck his girlfriend.
-Put your posters all over the room, even on their side.
-Bring over a bunch of your drunk friends so you seem really cool and slap him every five minutes for no reason at all.
-Play your music louder than his.
-Make fun of his music, even if you like it.
-Turn off his TV if you're listening to music.
-Turn on the lights at 9 am so he has to wake up, even if you don't have a class, just watch The Price Is Right.
-Never buy your own food. His parents gave him all that money to feed the both of you.
-Don't shower for a couple weeks, the smell will make it hard for him to study.
-Hit on his sister.
-Wear his clothes.
-Let your friends wear his clothes.
-"Accidentally" break his stuff.
-Go on his computer and change his background to gay porn, then show everyone in your hall.
-Invite him to a party and give him the wrong directions.
-When you bring a girl back to your dorm, tell her to be really loud because he has an 8 am test.
-When he's studying, have a party in your room with loud hip hop music, a pinata and strippers.
-If you leave for the weekend, hide some raw fish in the room so it takes him all weekend to find the smell.
-Punch him in his sleep and tell him you were sleep walking.
-If he's Christian, use the Lord's name in vain every five minutes.
-Ask to borrow his notes and then lose them.
-Jack off on his pillow
-Never take out the trash or clean. He's your bitch, its his job.
-Tell everyone he has chlamydia.
-Tell the RA he has pot.
-Give him a nick name. If his name is Rick call him Dick.
-Hook up with that one girl he's had a crush on all semester and display pictures of you and the girl all over the room.

Hopefully if you do all of this your new roommate will get so sick of it that they will move out and you will have the room all to yourself. Or, he'll murder you. Either way you win! Good Luck.
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