Tuesday, May 8, 2007

No. 36 "Just A Friend."

In the life of a single man every day is a new day to pick up a chick. They're at parties, campus, and AA meetings, they're everywhere. But one thing that sucks the most is becoming "just friends" with a girl. Once you're just friends, there is no chance of her ever hooking up with you. Just lots of shopping and hugging. Here are some signs you have become just friends...

She asks if you want to go shopping:
Now, unless you are a girl or gay there is no need for shopping. Men go to the store "to buy shit" nothing more. If she asks if you want to go shopping she's basically saying "Why don't you watch me try on clothes so I can impress other guys, not you."

She says "Aw you're adorable:"
Unless you are a puppy or an infant, adorable is as bad as her calling you a loser. Once you are "Adorable" in her book, get used to baby-sitting her little brother while she goes out to bone some guy that isn't "Adorable."

She tries to set you up with one of her ugly friends:
C'mon now, Bertha? She's like could be a middle linebacker for USC! This is a definite No-No.

She asks you favors:
If a girl is into you, she will most likely be too scared to ask you to do things. Once she gives you a list of stuff to do and a cute smiley face at the end of the note, you know you're done for. (p.s. This will happen once you're married, only no smiley face.)

She talks about other dudes:
"Well Jimmy was at the party and totally ignoring me and I was like Oh My God and... blah blah blah." Fuck Other Dudes, even your own friends. You shouldn't care about any guy she talks about, they are all working from the inside trying to get with her. While you're watching The View with her on Wednesday afternoons, they're fucking her best friend to make her jealous.

She invites you over to watch Desperate Housewives:
You're fucking Mom watches this God awful show. Does your mom wanna fuck you? Don't think so... or at least I hope not. Her inviting you over to watch Desperate Housewives is the same as her inviting you over for a manicure.

You take care of her when she gets drunk:
And when I say "take care of," it has nothing to do with sex. Nothing. This involves you: carrying her to her room, holding her hair when she pukes, cleaning up the puke, and not having sex with her. This is her sorority sister's job!

You grab her boob and she screams:
Actually... you are no longer "just a friend." You are now "just a sex offender."

She always brings up her ex:
Her ex is not a "nice guy," he is an asshole, unlike yourself. He banged her and cheated on her, and she still thinks about him all the time and wants him back. You are nice to her all the time, write her love letters in your diary and would never cheat on her. This is why you are "just a friend." Hang out with her ex and take notes.

She tries to set you up with one of her gay friends:
Get OUT.

Now hopefully these tips will help you escape a life of holding this hottie in your arms as she cries about the asshole who screwed her and left her. We all know, that asshole should be YOU.
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