Friday, July 21, 2006

No. 17 "Random Thoughts Part 7."

I think its pretty crazy the way people express themselves through bumper stickers. You can practically know someone just from the back end of their car. For example: People who put political stickers on their cars. DUMB ASSES. Put a Bush/Cheney sticker on your car at a Dave Matthews concert if you want it to get keyed. Girls that put their sorority letters on their car are retards. You might as well put a RAPE ME sticker on your car.

Every porn starts with "I've never done this before" even though they obviously have. So you were just born with that gaping wound you call a vagina? Fuck those liars

Its funny watching those phone sex commercials. The girls are always gorgeous and roaming around in bikinis at 3 am, but you gotta know its your aunt's middle-aged friends sitting in their trailer on the other line.

Have you ever noticed there is no Food City in Scottsdale and no AJ's Fine Foods in the ghetto. I have.

I hate it when I'm on AIM and have my away message on and someone IM's me. Its like being at my house with my door locked and someone breaks down my door.

I'm not against drunk driving, I'm just against DUIs.

I'm not an angry drunk, I'm an angry sober. If I'm at a party and there's no booze. I'm busting skulls.

Cops are impossible to please. They tell you to move your car, you move it, and ask if its OK. And they're like "Well, that works I guess." I don't know what it is with cops that made them such assholes. Its either they were bullies in high school and wanna still boss people around with the little power they have or they were nerds and wanna get back at "cool people" by busting parties and handing out MICs. Fuck the police.

Its stupid how some people use their top 8/16/20 as a ranking system or take it out on people. Example: "OMG, Sally didn't call me back, I'm totally bumping her to #8!" You can't do that in real life.

Here's what the phrase "He's/She's not my type" really means: They are ugly.

Tuesday, July 4, 2006

No. 16 "The Fake World."

As a TV and movie advocate, (AKA someone who has too much time on their hands,) I have a vast knowledge of "The Fake World." What is the Fake World you may be asking your computer screen? Well the fake world is what writers and producers create, and you watch and believe that it is real. I have grown up on TV and movies and it has taught me everything I know about sex, girls, drugs, alcohol, parties, and friends. Now I will make a list of the most important life lessons I have learned from The Fake World.

  • Parents don't exist and I can do whatever I want. All I need is a little charm, a cool zig-zag t-shirt, and some bleach blonde hair.
  • All my friends are in every single one of my classes.
  • Nerds have funny voices and always wear high pants, glasses, and have messy hair. And despite being smart, Zach and his D+ average can always trick them.
  • Jocks wear their letterman jackets every day.
  • You can stop time by saying "time out" and making the appropriate symbol with your hands.
  • Drinking a sip of beer will lead you to wreck your car.
  • No matter how much mischief you cause, how much homework you don't do, and how much trouble you get into, the principal will give you a "Ohhh Zach..." and forget about everything.
  • You can get in UCLA just because of high SAT scores even though you slacked off all four years in high school and rarely went to class.
  • There's no such thing as black people.

  • Bob Saget is funny.
  • If you get upset you can just run away from your problems and dramatic music will play and nobody will come after you.
  • Twenty people can live in one house.
  • Mullets are cool.
  • "Paaalease" said by a 4 year old is funny.
  • A 40 year old man (Danny) bickers with a 13 year old (Kimmy) girl every week.
  • You can conquer any issue or problem that comes your way in a 30 minute time period. And if its really bad, it will all be settled next week.
  • San Fransisco doesn't have any homosexuals.
  • Having a sip of alcohol at your school dance is the worst thing in the world.

  • You will have a teacher that is also your neighbor that follows you from middle school to high school to college just because he "happens" to have a PhD.
  • You will fall in love and marry the first girl you ever dated.
  • If you are poor, you can complain about it all the time.
  • If you wear a leather jacket and ride a motorcycle, you are automatically the "cool teacher."
  • You can disappear for 4 years, and come back for one episode because "you were on the other side of the school."
  • Its easy to be brainwashed by cults.
  • You can tell a girl that you will only date her for two weeks and she'll be fine with it.
  • You will go to the same college as your best friend, girlfriend and brother.
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