Monday, August 21, 2006

No. 20 "The Freshmen Survival Guide."

Being a junior in college now, I've learned a lot of things about college. What to do, what not to do. So this is for you: my incoming freshman friends. The Freshman Survival Guide.

Sorry, its not like Saved By The Bell: The College Years where you get a dorm the size of your parents house. It will be a little bit bigger than a jail cell. If you picked your roommate you will either have a great first year or you will fight them to the death over who ate the last Hagen Daas. If you get a random roommate they will probably steal your shit and jack off to pictures of your girlfriend when you're not there. Good Luck!

Sorry, this is not like the pamphlet that the school gave you when you were still in high school. You will not being high-fiveing kids in wheel chairs or hanging out with Asians. You will never see the kids you hung out with at orientation. The majority of your friends will be made in the dorms. It will be the first people you get fucked up with. These will be your friends for the next four years, pick them wisely.

Oh shit! College has started and before you buy your books and find out where your classes are you gotta "find where the mother fucking party's at!" I know you're excited about college parties, but don't make the mistake of being "that guy" and doing something retarded and remember that until graduate school. Here are some things NOT to do at parties:
  • Don't do more than 3 keg stands. I don't know what your "high school parties" were like but this is college, you're partying with pros... you won't be able to out drink anyone.
  • Girls don't give a shit about anything that happened in high school. Get over it.
  • Saying how wasted you are doesn't impress anyone, it just points out to everyone that you're new to college.
  • You break something, you die. Easy as that.
  • Partying in the dorms is lame and only Freshman do it.
  • You pay. Unless you're a girl, you aren't partying for free.
  • Don't pass out anywhere. People don't always follow the "shoes off, free game" policy. If you pass out at a party you'll probably wake up with balls on your face.
  • Don't come to a party with 10 dudes and no chicks. You're 18, that's plenty old enough to talk to some girls. C'mon now.

College girls are different than high school girls. They don't give a shit about how popular you were in high school. Its all about the here and the now. Make a good impression, take her out, fuck her, then never call her again. Ha ha, I'm only kidding. Call her back when you have an off night and get no play and don't wanna whack it to broadband porn another night. I have no soul.

Unlike high school, the teacher doesn't call your parents if you don't show up to class. The fact is that you usually don't need to go to class every day. Just make sure you have your needed notes, own the book, know what the class is about, and have a friend that's good at that shit. Or, you could always cheat.

You will hear Dave Matthews Band, The Beatles, The Doors, and Sublime everyday. Start liking them.

They suck, don't go to them. It will just be some overly happy upperclassman telling you about how "fun it can be helping people." Yeah, that's fucking lame. If I wanted to do community service I'd commit a crime. And anything else the school sponsors will be just full of sanctimonious people that you would never want to be in the same room with. Stay away from these.

  • The Creeper: He's the guy that met you at orientation and always seems to be around. He runs into you at the food court, the library, even the fucking bathroom. "Oh, you guys are going to a party, I'm coming" Remember to always give them the wrong directions.
  • Dorm Storming: Generally done by upperclassmen. It is when a group of guys (generally 3-4 of them) goes through all the female dorms and talks to girls with their doors open. There is the "ice-breaker": that usually tells a joke or says something to spark interest to the girls, the "middle-man" then tells a story or gets to know the girls better, and "the closer" that gets the girls numbers or gets them to hang out. Freshman dudes usually hate the Dorm Stormers, but there's not much they can do.
  • The Cycle: A concept by Aaron Karo where in one weekend you hook up with a freshman, a sophomore, a junior, and a senior. Very hard to do and even harder to believe.
  • The Half-Hottie: A girl with one or two good features but the rest is just a mess. Consuming alcohol will make these one or two things much more visible and the rest of the mess less visible. Watch out.
  • The Townies: Mostly found in small town colleges like NAU. These are the people born and raised in the city that the college is in. They show up at college parties even though most of them didn't even graduate high school. To have sex with a townie will ruin your reputation forever.
  • The Older Dude: Usually in their mid-twenties, still trying to bang freshman. (A la "Dazed and Confused") They suck at life, make sure they know.

Having a roommate can definitely salt your game. It sucks getting a girl drunk, losing her friends, and getting her back to your dorm and then you have to deal with the fact that your roommate is there and don't know how to say "get the fuck out." Basically you and your roommate need to come up with a way you can both get action without having to see each others' balls. Come up with a system or signal so they know whats up. If you say "Hey man, did you pick up your mail." They will know that you need to room for sexual activity. Or, if they aren't there but might be coming back soon, buy one of those small dry erase boards and put it on your door. Draw a smiley face or just write "I'm Fucking" on it so they don't walk in on you banging the girl they told you they liked. Or you could just be an ass and not give a fuck if they see anything. Its up to you.

  • Befriend the RA... or at least pretend to. If you're an ass to him/her they will bust you no doubt.
  • Get a fake. The kid with the fake ID in the Freshman Dorm is always the coolest kid around. Guaranteed to make you friends.
  • Go to class every now and then. Its cool to party all the time, but being kicked out of college sucks and you don't wanna be one of those losers.
  • Work out. You will gain weight from the constant drinking and 4 am stops at Del Taco, pick up a weight before you gain some.
  • Talk to your professor. Being silent in class is a bad thing. Ask questions and talk to them after class about anything. Most professors love this. And I know for a fact that I have raised several of my grades because the professor knew me well.
  • Fuck your TA. The TA grades a lot of the tests and papers and is usually only two or three years older. Have sex with them and you will get good grades. Who needs morals?
In the end, college will be the best 4, 5, or 6 years of your life. High School ain't got shit on college. Have fun, do crazy shit, and don't fucking fail out.

Good Luck.

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