Friday, January 19, 2007

No. 34 "How To Pick Up A Girl With A Boyfriend."

Don't you hate it when you start talking to a girl at a bar/party/urinal and you hit on her only to find out she has a boyfriend? Well boyfriends are just speed bumps in the game of life. You have to bring down her most likely stronger, cooler and better looking boyfriend so you can bang her. Tips...

He drives a cool car:
Fuck him. You probably drive a shitty car, and don't know shit about cars in the first place, but pretend you do. "Oh he has a 2005 Mustang? Well I have a 2009." "Um… I have a relative that works for Ford and he got me the super new model." "No, I swear to fucking God!" (That should assure she believes you.)

He's an athlete:
Jocks are lame and they are usually first in the picking order for hot babes. He's a tight-end for ASU? Pfft… I guess he wasn't good enough for quarterback. Don't worry that the two positions are completely different, she doesn't know anything about football.

He's in a gang:
Gangs are so 1995. Ask her how many bandannas he owns.

He's gonna be a firefighter:
This is a tough one because these guys are actually pretty badass, but you want this girl so you need to find a way to bring him down. Try this: "Pfft… yeah well I heard firemen beat black people" Although this is actually LAPD, she will believe you because she is a dumb girl. Anyways, most wannabe firefighters end up dropping out and work at Discount Tire.

He's in the Army:
Another hard one. Tell her that the army is for gays, (even though that's the Navy) and that her boyfriend's "army friends" are all part of a gay orgy club. Yeah… she'll believe that. Plus, we all know real men join the Marines. (That one's for you Damian)

He does charity work for kids:
He helps people? Ha ha. Tell her he probably works with kids because he has Michael Jackson complex.

He plays an instrument:
Yeah well, is he in a band? Oh he is? Well, I bet they suck. He's the lead singer? Your boyfriend is Anthony Keitis? Fuck.

He's in Greenpeace:
You actually don't have to lie to her on this one. Just let her know that her boyfriend is gay.

He's right next to me:

Tuesday, January 2, 2007

No. 33 "A Converstation Between..."

Do you ever imagine what it would be like if some of your favorite characters from TV all met? I do, every day. Yeah, I have no life, but this is exactly what it would be like if Zach Morris (Saved By The Bell), Cory Matthews (Boy Meets World), and Michelle Tanner (Full House) all met.

Location: Detention

Zach: God, I hate detention
Cory: Yeah, me too.
Zach: Who are you dude? I've never seen you before
Cory: I'm Cory
Zach: Sup
Michelle: I'm Michelle!
Zach: What the fuck? Aren't you like six?
Michelle: Six and a half! (Audience laughs)
Zach: Where is that noise coming from?
Cory: I don't know, but I miss my Topanga
Zach: Topanga? Hmm... I think I know her
Cory: Yeah she's my girlfriend, the best girl ever
Zach: Big tits?
Cory: Uh...
Zach: Yeah, I think I boned her like 5 months back.
Cory: What?!
Zach: Yeah, she's alright. Could lose a couple L.B.'s though. Anyways, how does my hair look?
Cory: What the fuck man?!
Michelle: You said a bad word. (Audience laughs)
Cory: Shut the fuck up you precocious little bitch!
Michelle: I'm telling!
Zach: Who are you gonna tell? And I still don't know why you're in high school detention... I could be your fucking father.
Cory: Yeah right, that would mean you were having sex when you were like 11
Zach: Yeah.. and...
Cory: Fucking A! Topanga said she wanted to wait until marriage
Zach: She didn't say that to me... all she said was "harder"
Cory: I fucking hate you.
Michelle: I wuv everyone! (Audience awes)
Zach: Seriously, is there a live studio audience here or is that the mushrooms kicking in?
Cory: I can't believe you fucked my girlfriend!
Zach: I can't believe she swallowed
Cory: I'm gonna fucking kill myself
Michelle: I have to go potty!
Cory: Then fucking go you little brat!
Michelle: That's not very nice... (Audience Awes)
Zach: Definitely the 'shrooms...
Michelle: Whats "shrooms?"
Zach: Its a magical thing you eat and then you go on adventures with Scooby Doo
Michelle: I want some!
Zach: (hands her some 'shrooms) Here ya go
Cory: Dude, don't give her those, she's only a kid
Zach: What ev man, I nailed your girlfriend
Michelle: Ha ha, he nailed your girlfriend
Cory: Oh my God, this is the worst day of my life
Zach: Chill out man, eat some 'shrooms
Cory: No way, those are bad for you
Zach: Yeah, so is chlamydia, but I don't sweat it
Cory: Good god...
Michelle: You're in big trouble Mister! (Audience Laughs)
Cory: What the fuck? Why'd you say that? It had nothing to do with anything
Michelle: You got it, dude (Audience Laughs)
Cory: Now you're just saying random shit
Michelle: Uh oh! (Audience Laughs)
Cory: I hope you get an eating disorder
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...