Monday, June 29, 2009

No. 52 "Conversations That Will Make Sure You Go To Bed Alone."

Oh, social situations. Some people love them like myself and others choose to play World of Warcraft and whack off to cartoon porn. (Who knew Ariel's tits were that big?) If you want to succeed with the opposite sex you have to be able to converse and talk about topics that are interesting to both parties. Here are some examples of topics you should stay away from...

Your Fantasy Baseball Team:
There is not a single chick in this world that gives a shit about your fantasy baseball team. They don't care that you just got Pujols for next to nothing or that Upton is on a fifteen game hot streak. Fantasy baseball is just something chicks will never understand, kinda how we don't understand why people love that piece of shit Twilight.

Video Games:
Not all girls dislike video games, but for the most part, they could care less about them when they're trying to get free drinks at the bar. No girl will ever be impressed that you beat Call of Duty in a week, they most likely will just complain of your smell since you haven't showered since you bought the game.

Racist Jokes:
It is probably a smart idea to stay away from ethnic jokes. I generally wait until the third date with a girl before I let her know my hatred for a particular group. But, when just meeting a young lady I would stay away from these types of jokes. Also, racist jokes usually do not get a pleasant response if the person you're telling them to happens to be a minority.

Her Best Friend's Ass:
No matter how nice and round her best friend's ass is, one must never mention it to the girl you are talking to. Doing so could lead to a large cranberry stain on your new white polo.

Backhanded Compliments:
Unless you know how to perfect it, I would not recommend it. Mentioning that her beer gut makes her "more huggable," or letting her know that her tan makes it almost impossible to notice her mustache will probably end with a haymaker to your left ball.

Big Words:
Because chicks are dumb.

So, reread these before going out and make sure when you're out at a bar or party you make no mention of fantasy trades, Mexican jokes, or asking how "far along she is." Here are some good topics to bring up when meeting a girl...

-Gossip Girl
-Scented candles
-Abortion (Whoops, might wanna stay away from that one.)
-Chick flicks
-The View
-Barbie (For the younger crowd)
-Their outfit
-Their cute new shoes
-Their hair

Updated 7/17/10
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