Thursday, April 24, 2008

No. 47 "Things You'll Never See At A Bar."

Whenever I go to a bar or club it always seems like its all the same. Same people, same situations, same pool table I pass out on, ect. Here are some things that I would like to see at a bar, but will probably never happen.

A Nice Bouncer:
You know the bouncer, a professional asshole. Shaved head, overweight, tribal tattoos, no smile. It would be nice to go to a club and have a bouncer smile and give me a high five as I walk in. Instead of asking me 27 questions about my ID and punching me in the stomach.

A Club Worth the Cover:
Every club I go to that has a cover charge always seems to hide any visibility of the inside so you can't see if its cool or not. And whenever I ask if it is cool, the answer is always "Hell yeah, so many ladies." But as soon as I pay the retarded $10 cover its full of 40 year old secretaries and my Dad's poker buddies. How about you let people check out the club and see if its worth the cover? Nope.

A Clean Bathroom:
That certainly would be nice. As much as I like stepping in piss and puke, its getting a little old. How about one of your lazy bouncers gets off his ass and cleans up the shit on the wall. Seriously, how did that happen?

Not A Single D-Bag:
They all seem to run in packs, like cockroaches. They go from bar to bar, hitting on chicks and spilling my fucking drink. There should be a bar where only D-bags can go. Oh yeah, its called Myst.

Real World Prices:
I understand a bar/club is a business and can charge whatever they want for drinks, but it frustrates me that the liquor store down the block will charge me $16.99 for a bottle of Absolut and as soon as I walk into a club the price goes up to $300... but,it comes with a table! Hell yeah, what a deal. Its like walking 500 years into the future.

A Bartender Who Serves People:
A lot of bars I go to are pretty damn packed, and I realize its busy, but for baby Jesus' sake can I get a fucking drink in less that ten minutes? I wait in the bizarro horizontal line that never seems to get to me, and by the time I get a drink, I'm sober again. Stop juggling bottles and get me a God damn drink you douche. No Tip. (P.S. This doesn't include Jed, one of the few bad ass bartenders)

So why do I deal with the mean bouncers, slow bartenders, and (literally) shitty restrooms? I don't know, it confuses me. Whatever, I'll be at the bar.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

No. 46 "Douchebaggery 101."

Hello, and welcome to Douchebaggery 101, your one-stop shop for becoming a douche bag in everyday life. Take a seat and just follow these simple steps and soon you will be chillin’ with your fellow douches, not smiling in pictures and poppin’ as many collars as humanly possible.

Chapter 1:
What are you wearing? A regular T-shirt that doesn’t call attention to yourself? I don’t think so. Now throw on this pink polo… and this green polo… and this orange polo. Now pop all three collars. The ladies will notice you three times more and want to bang you. And if they don’t, they must be lesbians.

Chapter 2:
Your hair, um… needs some work. Take this 5 lb. tub of Guido Grease and pour it all over your head. Let it sit in for about a half an hour while you watch The Hills, then spike it up like an explosion. It is very important that you and your Douche Crew all have the same exact retarded hair style. (If you run out of gel, just use one of your douche friend’s semen, works the same.)

Chapter 3:
Watch all three seasons of Growing Up Gotti. These grandchildren of the infamous mass-murderer are really cool! Do as they do and act as they act. Only true O.G.’s go to private school, like Tupac.

Chapter 4:
Ok, so you’re from Chino, CA but want to sound more like a douche bag. (Like those from the Jersey Shore and Long Island) Well, just fill your mouth with sausages and talk normally. This will give you the illiterate idiot dialect you are looking for. “Whaa shoo lookin’ at huhhh?” Perfect.

Chapter 5:
Walk around with an undeserved sense of accomplishment. You’re on your way to getting your G.E.D., so be proud.

Chapter 6:
Eye-ball everyone at the club. You are tougher and more badass than all of them. No need to actually fight them though, you don’t want to ruin your fake Gucci shirt.

Chapter 7:
When meeting new people that are not douches like yourself, be a dumb asshole. Never look them in the eye, don’t shake their hand, and one-up them every chance you get. To recap: Do that upwards head shift as a proper greeting. Look around at nothing while they are talking. And tell them about the time you had a five-some. (Just don’t tell them that there was only one girl.)

Chapter 8:
Listen to your shitty music and play it as loud as possible in your shitty car.

Congrats! You have just passed DB 101. Don’t forget to always review your chapters when you feel the need to act like a normal person. Remember, you worked hard to look and sound like a retard, so be proud of yourself. Enrollment in DB 202 is open for the fall. Lectures will include: “The Loudest Fuck at the Bar,” “Hitting on Chicks Obviously Out of Your League,” and “Jaeger Bombs!!!”

Tuesday, April 1, 2008

No. 45 "April Fools Day Ideas."

Ah, my favorite day of the year, April Fool’s Day. The day where pranks and mischief come before work and school. Here are some pranks I’ve come up with to ruin someone’s day. Don’t have a prank set up yet? Use one of mine.

No Class Day:
I came up with this one when I had a canceled class one day. At NAU there is a generic document posted on the door notifying students that class for that particular course has been canceled for the day. My prank is to take one of the documents and photocopy hundreds of copies with the info whited out, and then write in the course name and professor. Then, put it on every door of every class. Students will go to the door, see that class has been “canceled” and go home. This will ruin the professor’s schedules and give everyone a day off.

Valet Day:
Go to your local golf club and wear your nicest vest. Find the coolest car coming up to the valet booth and kindly take their car. Smile, and go on a joy ride. The owner of the Ferrari will think it’s hilarious, even if the car is totaled.

Special Food Day:
Invite one of your friends over for a nice meal. It could be the Hindu kid that can’t eat beef, the Jewish kid that can’t eat pork, or the weird kid from your Anthropology class that is extremely allergic to peanuts. Cook them a special meal with that ingredient which they are not “supposed” to consume. Once they are finished, let them know about the secret ingredient. They may be upset, violent, or in the case of the weird kid from your Anthropology class… dead.

Professor Phun Day:
Start by going to class early. Replace all the dry erase markers with Sharpies. That way you will always have that day’s lecture on the board to help you with your upcoming test. Then, go to the computer and log on to As soon as your professor turns on the overhead projector, the whole class with get an eyeful of cock and ass. And lastly, on your professor’s favorite chair, unscrew one of the bolts on the chair. Once your professor leans back in their chair they will fall right on their ass. Now that is a fun class period.

I’m Pregnant Day:
This one is simple and sweet. Well, maybe not sweet. So girls, call up your boyfriend and tell him you guys “need to talk.” This will give any guy Shit-Pants Syndrome. When you meet up with him, tell him you are pregnant and that you are going to keep the baby. Once he is done crying, tell him it was all a joke. (Warning: Stay away from flights of stairs while pulling this prank.)

Fucked Your Best Friend Day:
This is for all the guys to get back at their liar girlfriends in lieu of the aforementioned prank. Fuck her best friend. That’s it. Who needs creativity?

So go out and cause havoc and have fun. That’s what April Fool’s Day is all about, being immature. (P.S. I have actually done one of these pranks today. I’m pregnant.)
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