Wednesday, January 16, 2008

No. 43 "Poor Bastard?"

Its the beginning of a new semester and instead of working over break you slept in until 3 p.m. and spent all your money on lap dances. You have borrowed (stolen) more money from your parents than you're comfortable bragging about to your friends. You are a poor bastard. But wait, don't put your alarm clock in your bathtub yet... you have hope.

Rob the student store:
Its easy and it's not like a bank where they're prepared for robberies. Just go in, smile to the overweight cashier and tell her to give you all the money in the register or you'll fucking blow her head off. Take the money, and while you're there, grab some school supplies, you never know when you'll need a protractor.

Roommates are great. To steal from. Just go through there wallet and take the big bills, leave them the small bills so they can still buy some Del Taco. Also, follow them to the ATM, find out their password and then take all their money! That way they won't be able to buy anymore of those retarded nick nacs.

Sell your semen:
Not sure how this works, but I saw it in a movie once. I think you're supposed to jack off into a cup (preferably your roommate's) and then go onto campus and sell it to people. Don't worry if people think you're weird, you're making money!

Your parents are always there for you when you are out of money. But, if you have already asked for money six times this semester and you'll only three weeks in, you might have a problem. Thats where the pawn shop comes in. Go home for a weekend, eat some of mom's spaghetti, and pawn their car. The money should last you through the rest of the semester.

Sell Books:
You may have already used the money your parents gave you for books on hookers and tequila, but that doesn't mean you can't still sell your friends books. Ask a friend to borrow their book, sell it, and when they ask you where their book is get angry and tell them you gave it back to them. Punch them in the stomach if they ask again.

Sam's Club:
Go to your local Sam's Club or Costco, get a membership, and you're set. Whenever you are too poor for food, go there and chow down on some free samples. The sample people are old and senile so you can go to the bagel bite lady a couple times before people start asking questions.

So, you're out of food, and your parents stopped your meal plan two years ago. Well, call up one of your freshmen friends and tell them you want to go out to eat and hang out. Meet them at the Union, have them buy you food and then bounce. Hunger no more.

Get a job:
Just kidding, jobs are for poor people.

So, use these helpful tips to make it through the semester without food stamps. You may have lost all your friends and your family may hate you, but at least you're not poor anymore. Best of luck my friends.
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