Tuesday, October 30, 2007

No. 39 "How To Make Friends. (On Campus)"

Making friends in college can be hard, its a new environment for a lot of people and can be a culture shock. Now, I met most of my friends at parties and social events, but you can make just as many friends walking around on campus. Here are some unhelpful, tongue-in-cheek tips...

The Bookstore Lady:
Say you're picking up some books and you come to the cashier and there stands in front of you the bookstore lady. She's 24, still in college, and has two kids. But, she's still a blast to kick it with, as long as you like watching Oprah and eating Ben & Jerry's.

The Food Court Guy:
This is the ex-con in his late twenties that works at one of the fabulous five star dining establishments on campus. He's tatted up and hasn't smiled since the 90's, but chillin' in his Mom's basement doing meth is so much fun!

The Students For Christ:
Every campus has the group of grinning Christians that set up shop spreading the word of that bearded dude. They are easy going and always invite you to awesome events. All these events do not include: promiscuous women, alcohol, good music, or fun.

The Protesters:
These are the crazy hippies that group up around campus spreading "information" that they just looked up on Wikipedia. A good way to introduce yourself is: "Hi, my name is so-and-so and I hate Bush." Your times together will be eventful and shower-free.

Your Professors:
The best way to make friends with your professors is to attend class (which I don't recommend) But, if you do this and bring up Socrates or Freud you will have the best of times while wearing matching sweater vests.

The Janitor:
To be friends with the janitors you first have to crack their secret language which sounds kind of like Spanish. Once you do this, make sure throw your lunch on the ground to get their attention, then bring up a conversation about mops. They will appreciate your straight forward approach.

The Gay/Straight Alliance:
Also a group that's on campus passing our fliers to events no one wants to go to. These guys and gals are fun, but if you are a fan of saying fag, homo, or lezbo, they may not be the best of friends for you. Also, don't hang around them when Students for Christ is watching... Bad News.

The Young Republicans:
These well dressed future business douches are usually quite picky about the people they surround themselves with, but since they have lost power in congress, they are allowing more members. Take advantage of that, and have fun not laughing and counting your money while watching Fox News (Warning: They do not like blacks, gays, Mexicans or independent thinkers.)

So there you go, you have your first new college friends. They may not be your stereotypical college friends, but I have just stereotyped everyone on campus, so I'm going to hell. Later!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

No. 38 "How To Piss Off Your R.A."

Now, its been a while since I've lived in the dorms, but my memories of RA's are still vivid. Basically RA's are the biggest losers on campus, they're usually 22 year old nerds that don't drink or party and jack off to cartoon porn. Here are some ways to make their lives miserable.

Fuck his girlfriend
-She is probably ugly and/or fat, but it will be worth it once he comes into his room to see you on top of his woman and all her rolls.

Put weed in his room
-RA's hate drugs and call the cops whenever they smell incense. Get a bag of some shitty weed, hide it in his room and then make an anonymous phone call to the cops... they will take care of the rest.

Duct Tape his door shut.
-In the middle of the night get some duct tape and completely cover his door with it so he can't get out. Do this every couple days. He'll be late for his classes and fail out of school.

Fart in his room
Simple and easy, every time you have to fart, just walk on in, say hello, and let 'er rip. Eating pounds of cabbage and cheese will make it more fun.

Order shit on his phone
Ask to borrow his phone, and grab his credit card. Then buy some medication from a commercial, some "urban" ring tones and the Ab-fex 3000. He will be delightfully surprised until he gets his credit card bill.

Replace all his liquids with mustard
-This one takes some time, but its well worth it. Get a huge jug of mustard and replace all his shit with it. Instead of fruity shampoo he has a head full of mustard. Instead of brushing his teeth with minty toothpaste, he gets a mouth full of mustard. And instead of jacking off with KY, he'll have a dick covered in mustard.

Spill your drink on his computer
This will be an accident. Just come into his room bullshitting about the last episode of Heroes or something and then... oops! my drink fell on your computer. This will break his computer and all his cartoon porn will be gone.

Punch him in the fucking face.
-And run away

Hopefully these tips will help ruin your RA's day and/or week, and will kill time in between classes. Good luck my friends.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

No. 37 "Types of Friends."

Being a man of twenty one years I have realized that I have a lot of different types of friends. No friend is the same, read and I'm sure you have some of these friends too.

The Inside Joke
You and this friend can talk for days about shit that you both find hilarious but everyone else has no fucking idea what you're talking about. Its like a different language. "Holey socks!" "Ha ha ha... that's almost as funny as "Rebecca the robot" Yeah, see.

The Connection
This is your friend that always knows about parties. They are either on their way to a party, at a party, or know of seven parties. They are very useful and usually the first one you call to find a party.

The Mooch
You go with your friend to get some food or a club and they magically never have money. "Don't worry bro, I got ya next time." Next time he forgot his wallet. Great.

The Shit Show
I have a few of these friends. What ever you guys do together he needs to get his drink on. He's basically an alcoholic but would not be much fun sober... which you've never seen him be. It was normal at parties and tailgates, but who needs a shot of Jager at my little cousin's school play?

The Celeb
This guy is technically your friend but you don't really hang out with him. When you hang out with him its a special occasion and you tell all your other non-celeb friends. He likes you, but not as much as you like him.

The 89er
This is sometimes one of your friends younger brothers or freshmen, but he's cool enough to hang out. "89er" comes from the year most of them were born in. Most of your time is spent explaining what Saved By The Bell was and why Transformers were cool way before the movie.

The Dude With Boobs
This is your female friend that for some reason you are not attracted to at all and confuse with your guy friends. She can drink as much as you, watches football, and has boobs.

The Black Friend
The one or two black guys that hang out with you for some reason. You never miss a chance to take a picture with him and tell all your other white friends about the time he "went ghetto" on someone. You jokingly said the N word around him, your broken nose made sure that never happened again.

The Awesome
This dude is a golden god. You were on the varsity basketball team, he was on the state champion team. When ever you play sports together he makes a fool of you. Surprisingly, he is quite modest, unlike yourself.

The Scruff
This is your friend that refused to shave so he can look older. He is younger than you but looks older than your dad. He may never get laid because of his Grizzly Adams beard, but he can get into the club and you cant.

The Ferris Van Morris
This friend of yours has everything handed to him and acts like its no big deal. He's like Ferris Bueller, Zach Morris and Van Wilder mixed into one unstoppable dude.

You are confused why this douche is even your friend, but he is always around. Poker with the guys, he's there, just douching it up. His jokes are horrible and he is just a piece of shit, but he's your buddy, so yeah.

The Treasure Holder
This dude is cool, don't get me wrong. But, the only reason you kick it with him is when family weekend rolls around you can make a move on his hot sister. After you accomplish the feat, your friendship will suddenly diminish.

The Unstoppable Pimp
Similar to the Get Anything Friend, he gets any girl he wants. He's been with ten times the amount of girls as you but is clean by some miracle by God. Oh you like that girl? He nailed her last semester, when she was skinnier.

The Tank
This is your biggest friend. He is the size of Jerome Bettis. Whenever you're out with him you feel like you can talk shit to anyone. The only fights you get in are with him having your back. You never get a punch in, but who cares, you won.

The Grandpa
This friend is older so you always give him nicknames like "Blue" and "Old Man River." He acts like he doesn't care but one day he's gonna beat you with his cane. This friend is usually only 2.5 years older than you. Also, this is what The 89er calls you behind your back.

The Fucking Woman
You are almost positive that this dude is a chick. He gets his eyebrows waxed, takes baths and is dramatic as fuck... but he can still kick your ass.

The Smart Stoner
Just as it sounds, this friend smokes 5 pounds of weed a day but has double your GPA. He will smoke a bowl before a test for good luck... and it will work.

The Pop Culture Clusterfuck
As soon as Napoleon Dynamite was out he was all over that shit, quoting it every day. He watches 13 hours of TV a day and knows everything about everything that isn't important at all.

The Pussy
This is your friend that is in a long term relationship and can never go out. "Yo man, we're going to the bar, lets go!" Um... me and the girl are gonna watch Maid In Manhattan, sorry man." You sometimes wonder if assassinating his girlfriend would be that bad of an idea.

So there it is, I have very diverse and crazy friends, and each of these can relate to one of my friends... so go ahead and guess who you are.
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