Monday, December 4, 2006

No. 29 "How To Be Cool."

I know how it is, you're a little awkward, don't have that many friends and haven't tried any hard drugs yet. Life sucks. But don't put your roommate's toaster in the bathtub yet, there is hope. Just listen up...

Wear them. All the time. During the day. At the movies. At church. People will notice you and respect you. The dude with sunglasses on at the party always has loads of coke, and we all know coke is totally gnarly.

Use words that were cool in the early 90's. Tubular, righteous, neat-o... actually don't use that, fag. People will be like "whoa man i haven't heard anyone say radical in forever, high five!"

Now that you have your righteous new lingo, you have to start saying words only half-way. Only losers say the whole word. Instead of whatever say "what ev," instead of session say "sesh," and instead of douchebag say "D-bag." In no time you'll be chillin', having a smoke sesh when a D-bag comes by and asks for a hit and you'll be like "what ev."

Not the soda, cool people drink Pepsi. Just blow a lot of lines and then brag about it to your friends and relatives, high-fiveing will ensue.

Now that you have those badass sunglasses you have to prove your badassness. So go to the liquor store and rob the place. No need for a weapon, a get-a-way car, or a hoodie. Just look really mean and demand money. Now you have more money for new sunglasses... and more coke!

Bandanna, not banana. (I know, I confuse them too) You gotta have a bandanna. Snoop Dogg wears them, and he's a badass.

Bump some tunes while rollin' in the Camry your mom bought you for your 16th birthday. People will hear from far away and a crowd will form to see how cool you are.

Cool dudes hit on chicks like its nothing. So, while at a party/event/church picnic just hit on every girl there. Grabbing her ass and whistling works too. And if they give you the cold shoulder, just tell everyone she has ghonoria.

Not literally, unless you want to, but please use a condom. Say good bye to your old friends and yo to your new friends. (cool people say yo instead of hello) Your new friends will use cool lingo and do a lot of coke while wearing bandannas. Your lame old friends will go to class and have a future, what a bunch of fags. When you see your old friends punch them in the ear and then run away.

There you go, these tips should assure your coolness. Just remember to also never smile in pictures, carry a hand gun, and throw objects and cute animals.

No comments:

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...