Tuesday, June 29, 2010

No. 118 "Bored Housewives."

Since exactly 0% of my readers are housewives, I thought I'd dedicate an entire blog to them. These hardworking women deserve to be applauded for all the things they do while their husbands work tooth and nail so they can have another tennis bracelet. But, many of these housewives get bored during their days alone at home. So, today I will compile a list of entertaining activities for them to help pass the time.

Read A Book:
Sounds boring, but I guarantee once you get into a good book, you won't be able to put it down. Romance novels are quite popular with the average American housewife, so start there. These novels are easy to find since their covers are usually of shirtless men with long hair and wounded eyes. These books can help you escape to the beaches of the Caribbean, or the streets of gay Paree. Whatever gets you moist.

Fuck The Gardener:
He's in good shape, always smiles at you and is probably over 18. Why not? Your husband rarely touches you anymore and he was short with you this morning, so he deserves it. You can have fun seducing him and helping him undo your bra. "Push, then pull. Good job Javier." And once you're done with him, you can move on to the pool guy.

Go Through Your Husband's Shit:
Women have a natural obsession for searching through shit in order to find some dirt to use as a bargaining chip. Everyone has had their mom find their stash of weed while away on a long weekend. It's just in their instincts. Play on this instinct and rummage through all your husbands drawers and boxes. Eventually you'll find something that upsets you, and then you won't feel so bad about banging the gardener.

Daytime Television:
First you have your soaps, where you can develop your skills in horrible acting and bitch slapping. After that, the judge shows come on. Pretend to be Judge Judy or that other black judge and see if your rulings align. And finally, that fat, narcissistic bitch Oprah is on. Learn about the latest household gadgets or maybe you'll get lucky and see a "very special episode" about some lady getting abused. Either way, it's the best television out there.

You remember the matching tennis racket, clothes and shoes you begged your husband for three years ago? Well, now you have an excuse to actually use it. Find a tennis court close to your home and improve you game. Tennis is great exercise and a convivial way to meet new people. Or, you and your fellow yentas could just agglomerate at the tennis club to gossip and reticule others while drinking appletinis. It's up to you.

The Internet:
The world wide web is a crazy place. There are so many websites for just about anything in the world. Have fun with it. You have online shopping, gossip websites, and of course Facebook to link up with ex-boyfriends that are doing well financially and still have their hair. Just remember to lose all your husband's hard earned money through various online scams and pyramid schemes. You totally thought that email was from the prince of Nigeria. Not your fault.

Who said that art degree would get you nowhere? Express yourself through this storied art form. If your first few paintings don't look how they are supposed to, just call them "abstract." You can paint whatever your heart desires, and if that happens to be thirty eight paintings of your bichon frise Mimi, then so be it. Your husband will totally to love them, and use words such as "interesting" and "nice" to describe them. Then he will hang them in that room that no one goes in.

Cook and Clean Because You're A Woman:
Self explanatory. Make me a sandwich.

And, there we have it. I just came up with eight different activities for housewives to delve into during their boring days at home. Whether you enjoy fornicating with the pool boy on your husband's favorite recliner, or expressing backhanded compliments to waitresses at the country club, there's always something fun to do while your husband is away at work. There are many other activities you could get into, or you could always just get a fucking job. Toodles!

Thursday, June 24, 2010


No more ads. They were lame. Other than that, I've been writing a little bit and should have a new blog up Sunday or Monday so stay tuned.


Monday, June 21, 2010

No. 117 "Summer Activities."

Summer is upon us. The wonderful time of year where you don't have to worry about anything except for who's buying the next twelver of Corona or when the next group of bikini clad women will be frolicking by. Its a time when you burn your neck on your seat belt and blister your feet on the concrete. But, somehow people always get bored during the summer. That's why I've compiled this list of fun and safe activities to participate in during your three months of sun-burned fun.

No, I'm not talking about the cinematic masterpiece starring Bette Midler. I'm referring to that big, blue wavy-thing that kills 3.5 surfer douches every day. Many of us aren't fortunate enough to live close to the ocean, so a road trip may be necessary to get your ass in the sand. But, once you reach the beach, all your problems will float away (except child support payments.) While at the beach you can embarrass yourself at sand volleyball, harass lifeguards or litter the beach with cigarette butts and broken beer bottles.

Sun Bathing:
Kind of a confusing term since water is not involved. But, what is involved is laying on a deck chair and sweating your balls off for hours on end. This isn't an actual "activity" since it is usually done by attractive chicks alone, who refuse your help at applying tanning oil on them and threaten to call the police. One must be disciplined to sun bathe, as it takes time to develop a nice tan. Most of us pasty white folks end up giving up after fifteen minutes and supplant our asses inside to watch Wild On! reruns.

Pool Parties:
If you are lucky enough to be invited to a pool party, make the most of it. Show up four hours before the scheduled arrival time and cannon ball into their pool several dozen times so you can perfect your technique for all the guests. When everyone arrives, break your beer bottle on the deck in celebration and throw as many of the party goers into the pool as you can. Who needs cell phones? And, before you're asked the leave, take a shit in the jacuzzi. Who doesn't love pool parties!?

Convertible Driving:
There's nothing better than a summer breeze in your face while drunk driving throughout the city. When driving a convertible, make sure to wear trendy sunglasses and a cool hat to nonchalantly toss into the air as you speed away from a hit and run. You don't own a convertible? Well, you're a loser. But, you could always use a hacksaw to remove your roof and vamoosh! You got yourself a sweet new convertible!

Baseball Games:
Who says baseball is boring? Everyone? Well, at baseball games you can drink beer and eat hot dogs. Not so lame now, huh? Most baseball stadiums are outdoors, so you can enjoy the summer sun and as many $9 pretzels as you want while watching a bunch of out of shape Dominicans play catch for three hours. And, hell you could even get into a brawl with someone over a foul ball that's worth less than your beer.

Water Guns:
Remember all the fun times you had as a kid shooting your friends in the face with your SuperSoaker 3000? You're not too old to still have fun with water guns. All you have to do is purchase a couple water guns, spray paint them black (so they look cool) and go to different stores scaring women and children. People will seem frightened at first, but once you spray them, they will have no choice but to laugh and giggle the day away. And if you're too poor to buy one, you could always just splash some kids in the fucking face with McDonald's cups filled with water.

Jet Skiing:
There are very few things in the world more awesome than a jet ski. If I had it my way, I would flood the entire United States so the only way people could get around would be via jet ski. Sea Doo would love me and it would subvert our dependence on foreign oil. Take that BP! Jet skis are also amazing because you automatically look cool when you're riding one. You could be a homeless tranny with no Facebook friends, but everyone would just see a cool chick-dude shreddin' some gnar.

Just kidding. Unless you want your summer to totally suck, I would not recommend gardening, or even talking to those who garden "for fun."

So go out there and enjoy your summer! There are many other activities I've failed to mention that probably won't get you arrested or beaten, but they are much less awesome. Ruin a pool party by skinny dipping, or crush some kid's sand castle with your Birkenstocks. Just remember to always wear sun screen and obey pool and beach guidelines. Summer only lasts so long, have some fun.

Sunday, June 20, 2010


Happy Father's Day to all you lucky dads who forgot to pull out. I have added some new "features" to my blog that I wanna tell you about. Well, first of all I finally became a sell out and added Google Ads to my blog. This may be temporary if it doesn't make me any money, but I am super cheap so if I can make more than $1/month then I'm a happy man. Other than that, I added a new Facebook and Twitter share button, so use that to help promote my blog, or to show it to your grandma. And finally, I added a Live Traffic Feed that tells me where people are reading my blog from. Its pretty crazy. There's people from Canada, Philippines and even a country called Jakarta Raya reading my blog. WHAT UP JAKARTA RAYA! So go ahead and check out all the new gizmos on my blog. I'll have a new blog up tomorrow so check that out as well. Shit, I can't think of a funny comment to end this sidebar. Whatever.


Thursday, June 17, 2010


Hey guys and gals! I hope everyone's summer has gone swimmingly so far. And by "swimmingly" I mean that I hope everyone has used proper pool safety and followed your lifeguard's directions so no one ends up at the bottom of a pool with all the spare change and used band-aids. My summer has been tons o' fun so far. I've been tanning, and my skin color went from translucent to Larry Bird white. One step at a time, people! Eventually I want to get to Wesley Snipes black, but that could take several weeks. Other than that I've just been YouTubeing videos of monkeys and spent time developing my break dancing skillz. That's why I've been lazy about updating this blog that I must never let my future children read. No worries though, I posted one about stoners yesterday, so read it to your favorite pot head (since they are unable to read words that aren't on burrito labels.) I might even post another one within the next couple days. Well, unless I perish at the bottom of a pool.

Thug Life,

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

No. 116 "Intervention For A Stoner."

We all have friends that smoke the evil and dangerous hard drug known as marijuana. It ruins lives, but more importantly ruins fun times and parties. How does one know if their friend or family member is addicted to marijuana? First, you must answer these three simple questions. 1) Do they frequently eat large quantities of your food and then "forget" about doing so after lightly chuckling? 2) Will they ask if you want to "chill" at their place of residence, and then have no planned activities or board games laid out? 3) Do they have trouble comprehending your sarcastic comments or sophisticated jokes? If the answer is "fer sher," then you must have an intervention in order to save them from themselves. How does one do this? Read on.

Step 1:
Call up all of their close friends and family members to notify them of your friend's drug use, then set a date and time to arrange the intervention. It is OK to exaggerate just how bad their abuse of drugs is, so spice it up a little bit. Maybe they ran over an elderly woman while driving a lawn mower across the city. Or, perhaps they lit a Babies R Us on fire during their semi-annual sale. It's all up to you. The more elaborate, the better.

Step 2:
Get them to come over to the intervention meeting area by tempting them with things they enjoy. This way you can assure they will show up and not have to start searching local head shops for them. For example, you could say that you are playing Call of Duty and ordering pizza and root beer. As long as you combine some sort of activity that can be played while sitting on a couch and a high calorie food, you'll be set.

Step 3:
Have a friend sneak into their house apartment and gather all their drugs and paraphernalia. Stoners may think that they are very good at hiding, but everything will always be in the same place. Their bong will be next to their bed, pipe in their second drawer behind their socks, lighter in their pants laying on the ground, and marijuana in that small box their grandma gave them above their dresser. Once all of this is collected, throw it in their Bob Marley backpack and bring it to the intervention site.

Step 4:
This is where he arrives and everyone is sitting in a circle waiting for the intervention to begin. He may act confused and question where the XBOX is and when the pizza is going to arrive. This is the time to let him know that he is here for an intervention, that you all care about him and all that bull shit. You may have to explain this several times since stoners have a hard time understanding things people say the first time. This is when you bring out his bag of bongs, pipes and other smoking devices and beat it with a aluminum bat. Then, he should understand.

Step 5:
Now that he knows what is going on, have everyone that came tell a story about when he was stoned and how it affected them. It could be the time he got high and fell asleep on the couch so you could hook up with his sister in his room. Or, when he was too blazed to go to the football game and gave you his tickets for free. And of course the numerous times he drove everyone home from parties because they were too intoxicated to drive. You know, gut-wrenching stories.

Step 6:
This step involves their side of the story, where they can attempt to explain themselves, and why marijuana is not negatively effecting their life. But, there are a few rules set in place. They cannot use the words: "bro," "totally," "uh," or "Phish." This will make it almost impossible for them to get through a sentence, and eventually they'll just give up because stoners are not very talented linguists. Unless it's about dreams, the purpose of life or outdated weaponry.

Step 7:
We now want to alleviate his downtrodden attitude and come up with a solution for his addiction to this menacing stimulant. It is difficult for many stoners to quit their drug cold turkey, so advise him to try other drugs in order to ween himself off of marijuana. Cocaine, PCP and black tar heroin will surely help in this effort. Have the community drug dealer present at the intervention in case he has any questions.

Step 8:
Redesign their apartment. Instead of multi-colored bean bag chairs, buy them actual furniture like chairs or couches. Replace their beaded door curtains with actual doors that don't poke you in the eye every time you walk through it. Those random exotic animals that he owns? Throw the snakes, geckos and parakeets out the window and buy him a cute puppy named Spike, not Blaze, Marley or Toke. Next, is his wardrobe. Discard his beanies, ponchos and hemp-made clothing. Substitute his stoner-wear with clothes that have collars and buttons. And finally, supersede his collection of horrible reggae records with books, which he could eventually learn how to read.

Do not forget that this will be a long and hard process, which will be met with resistance. He might even attempt to fight you. But, that should not be too much of a problem for you since stoners are usually too busy to go to the gym. Most stoners relapse within three months, or immediately after listening to a Pink Floyd album or seeing any Cheech and Chong film. In the end, your friend will be less annoying, lazy and dumb. And most importantly, stop eating all your fucking Cheetos.
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