Thursday, May 27, 2010

No. 115 "How To Get Fired."

The 9-to-5 lifestyle has become a necessity for most college graduates. All those days waking up at noon, microwaving a burrito from the night before, washing it down with a faderade and then going to class in your burrito-stained sweat pants are over. Real life is upon you; full of alarm clocks, word of the day calendars and ironed button downs. Shitty, I know. There is a solution, though. Get your ass fired and enjoy a severance package for the next couple of months. You were gonna get laid off anyway. Just follow these simple steps.

Show up to work whenever you want. Synergy meeting at 9? Eff that. Play some Call of Duty until around 11 and then come into work like you normally would. Some co-workers might comment on your tardiness or lack of pants, but they won't tell the boss because they know you always carry a knife on you.

Always Carry A Knife On You:
Knives can be helpful in a variety of situations. Say you boss is having a hard time opening up a package from corporate. Come to his rescue by swiftly opening up the package with you butterfly knife. He or she might even give you a raise for your fast acting skills. One could also use a knife to play five finger fillet on your desk while bored. Play with your co-workers as well, even if they continually thwart your requests.

Foul Language:
Offices pride themselves in using "professional language" and specific jargon. Who needs that junk? Now, there's no need to overuse expletives. Just try to fit it into everyday small talk or during a meeting. "I saw that episode of Glee last night. It was mother fucking awesome. So well written." Or, "I agree Mr. Osbourne. Client retention should be our first priority. Cunt." The options are endless.

Sexual Harassment:
This should be easy for the average post-graduate male. Start small with a receptionist or intern; basically someone who is lower on the chopping block than you. Compliment their awesome boobs or banging booty. Who know, they might even dig it and hook up with you. (Low self-esteem score!) From there, move up to your superiors. Cat calls and ass-slapping are the most effective tools for sex-har. And if need be, bang your boss' wife (or daughter).

This is probably the easiest way to get fired. Most companies have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to violence, so this should do the trick. Try starting a street fight in the office parking lot. Once the clock hits 5 O'clock, start shoving smaller and weaker co-workers and yell farcical accusations at them until it becomes violent. This could even turn into an after hours fight club, like that one movie whose title I can't recall.

The office refrigerator is a sacred place for people's lunches. Fuck with it. Grab a bag boldly marked George and then eat his egg salad sandwich in front of him. He might ask "Um, is that my sandwich?" Casually reply "Yep" and then continue consuming the meal his wife made for him this morning. This may only get you a write-up or a closed-door "talking to" by your boss. Next, poison everyone's lunch. That'll get the job done; and pesticide is relatively cheap.

Who doesn't love sports? Undateable chicks and gay dudes, that's who. But, other than those two groups, just about every American enjoys sports. Bring a football to work and start tossing it around. It doesn't matter if no one is looking and you knock over their computer. Before you know it, a seven-on-seven pickup football game will be going on in your office. Once your boss comes out of his office to make sense of all the commotion; tackle him to the ground and then taunt him by grabbing your groin in a suggestive manner. You'll be boxing up your personal items in no time!

Opposite Day:
Just how it sounds. Do the opposite of whatever your boss or co-workers ask of you. Deborah asks you to confirm a new customer? Call the customer and hurl ethnic slurs at them. Henry wants you to re-file paperwork? Shred that shit. Your boss recommends that you discontinue wielding a knife to work? Stab him multiple times. Who knew your ineptitude could get you so far?

So, whether you are getting too touchy-feely with Ashlee the intern, or poisoning Derek's cobb salad, there are many different ways to get shit-canned from the job you loathe with a passion. Before you decide to attempt any of these great ideas, I would check up on your company's termination and severance guidelines. Some jobs will just fire you without severance, and others will have you arrested.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

No. 114 "Life Saving Techniques."

It can happen anywhere. In your home, your grocery store or even at that seedy strip club behind 7-11. I'm talking about life or death situations. When these events happen, you have mere minutes to jump into action like Steven Segal in Under Siege II: Dark Territory and rescue some stranger who you'd probably never hang out with in public. It could even be one of your Facebook friends. If one is not properly trained to save lives, they could end up making the situation worse, or even embarrass themselves in front of a group of hot chicks. Today, I will teach you how to adequately save a life.

Unfortunately, no one knows the actually meaning of CPR. Scholars and medical professionals have spent years trying to uncover the meaning of the acronym, but to no avail. Nonetheless, the best way to perform CPR is to first decipher whether they are a male or female. If they are a male, you must ask anyone else if they know CPR so you don't have to get "all gay" with the passed out subject. If there isn't anyone else that can help, its all up to you. Reluctantly give them mouth-to-mouth by blowing into their mouth from several feet away. If they don't start breathing within fifteen seconds, that means they are dead and you tried your best. For females, you should just make out with them. If they don't come to within a couple minutes, try fondling their breasts or tell them that they're "the only one for you." Once the female starts breathing again they will be summoned by law to give you at least a reach around within 12 hours.

Heimlich Maneuver:
This tends to occur at crowded restaurants or dinner parties, so there will be people watching you. There are two choices: Be the dude who looks around and acts like he's helping. Or, step into gear and save the lady who scarfed down her veal scallopini too quickly. Your first step should be to punch the choking idiot as hard as you can in the stomach. Give it a couple tries, and remember to square the fist. At this point, some people might get upset with you and call you a maniac, but just high-kick them out of your way. This lady needs air! Once the almost deceased starts breathing again, kindly hand them your bill. You saved their life, the least they can do is pay for your filet mignon and eight glasses of Merlot.

Knife Wound:
These are generally deleterious injuries, so it is best to not ask questions and get to work. In most sweet action films, once a knife wound happens the stereotypical bad ass will continue fighting off Russians for half an hour before attending to his wound. Unfortunately for you, the victim you will be saving is probably a pussy and just crying a whole punch. To make sure the wound doesn't get infected, pour a handful of gun powder directly on the wound and then light it on fire. Quickly put out the flame with your bare hand and then rip off their nice shirt to wrap the area. Apply pressure for about five minutes or until you get bored and voilĂ ! Knife wound healed.

This usually happens to important people, so make sure you don't fuck up. They will most likely be unconscious when you realize they have, in fact been poisoned. Now, I don't know many ways to cure a poisoning, but your best bet is to look around for any household cleaners that might have been put in his or her soup. Then, have someone with good eyesight read the impossible to render instructions on what to do in case of poisoning. Do not. I repeat do not call the poison control. I am almost positive they don't exist and this action will just result in useless waiting around and small talk. Try flushing their eyes with water or any liquid you can find. It doesn't matter if the poison was ingested. If they don't start moving within two minutes, they're dead. You tried your best. Now, get out of there before law enforcement starts asking questions.

More of a long term "injury" than those previously mentioned. But, it is very treatable. First, find a fat ass in need of saving. Most obese people tend to hang out at Wal-Mart, Golden Corral, or NASCAR events. Then, become friends with them. This will be the most difficult step, since fat people are prone to smelling like onions, farting at awkward moments and asking if you are "gonna finish that." Next, sell their car. Be careful, this will anger them and could result in being sat on. Just dodge a couple of their advances and calmly jog in a circle. After thirty seconds they will pass out from exhaustion. Without their car they will be forced to walk to their favorite buffet chain restaurants. The final step is to schedule the liposuction and gastric bypass they need in order to live past their forties. Use the money you earned from their car to pay for the procedures and soon they will be in shape and ready to live the rest of their life eating squirrel-sized meals.

Bear Attack:
Trip your friend and run the fuck away. You can always find a new friend next year.

Previously, I have given you knowledge on how to nail a stripper and the best way to make friends in a penitentiary. Those are fun and all, but these pertinent life saving techniques will be especially helpful. Whether you are attempting to dislodge a lamb chop out of an elderly white woman or helping your new fat friend from a life long battle with diabetes. Just like the lame ass song they play on that stupid show I've never watched but still know exists, now you know how to save a life.

Friday, May 14, 2010


Yeah, yeah. I haven't written in a little bit. Don't fret, I got something cooking in the 'ol gutterbrain. I'll post something Sunday or Monday. But, for now I must go back to sleep/hangover-coma.

Always and forever,

Sunday, May 2, 2010

No. 113 "Finals Preparation."

For many of my readers, its finals week. I don't know why you're reading my stupid blog instead of cramming for that psychology final you have in two hours, but I digress. Finals week is a time when all college students turn into studying machines capable of just about anything on no sleep, little food and a shit-ton of adderall. Here is a helpful list of things you'll need in order to nail all your finals so your step-dad doesn't beat your ass with his belt when he finds out your GPA is a 0.37 this semester.

Study Guides:
Generally, the week before your finals, professors will hand out a study guide consisting of pertinent terms, information and questions that will be on your final. Instead of putting the study guide in a safe place and then using it to create a thorough outline to study from, you should make it into a paper airplane and then throw it at some kid in your dorm. Once you realize that you might actually need the study guide, make sure to email your professor and have him or her hand deliver it to your place of residence. With all the answers already filled in, of course. Your professor didn't give you a study guide? Well, you're fucked. Enjoy taking it again next semester.

You know those rectangular heavy objects that are currently being used to balance your beer pong table? Well, if you open them up, they are filled with words, information, and sometimes cool pictures of dead dudes. If you are one of the many students who did not open your book the entire semester, don't fret, there is still hope. In the back of your book there most likely will be a glossary and index. Go through your study guide and find all the answers that way. Skip all the essay questions, as they are never on tests and are only used by your professor to fuck with you. And for the terms and questions you can't find? Just use Wikipedia, it never fails.

I know what you're thinking: "Drugs? Those are bad for you!" Well, you little narc, these drugs are actually good for you. Unlike cocaine and PCP, which are fun and can gain one access to loose women, adderall is a studying aid originally made for kids whose parents refused to accept the fact that their offspring were retarded. Adderall can be found quite easily, as everyone in our generation has some form of ADD. Just pop a couple of these "study enhancers" and your twelve page written final will be done before Family Guy is over. And if there is some left over you can always sell it to middle school kids and trick them into thinking that its a new pill form of marijuana.

Nowadays, there are so many different types of caffeine to keep the sleep deprived student awake for many a fortnight. You have coffee, red bull, and 5 hour energy. I even saw some Extenze energy drink. Not sure why you need to maximize you manhood while studying, but some people like multi-tasking. Since you won't be sleeping very much, it is important to always have energy. Now, some "professionals" and "doctors" might recommend that you eat hearty, healthy meals and exercise to gain energy, but they're in the wrong. The best way to pull an all-nighter is to get a blender and add the following ingredients: 8 oz Red Bull, 2 oz 5 Hour Energy, 4 oz ground coffee, and an 8 ball of cocaine (for flavor.) Mix it all up and you won't have any trouble staying awake.

The Library:
Its that place where all the foreign exchange kids and ugly chicks hide during the school year while you are enjoying a social life. The library might seem a bit scary at first, with the stone faced librarians and transients urinating in feux plants. Don't worry, it is a great place to surf the internet for funny YouTube videos and update your Facebook status several times an hour. Once you realize that you've spent three hours doing nothing but look for bikini pictures of that girl you like on Facebook and watching Fail Blog videos, check out a couple books that might have something to do with your class and then never return them.

Study Groups:
The best way to assure good grades during finals is to join a study group. It doesn't matter if you have only been to class four times and know none of your classmates by name. All you need to do is approach the smartest nerd person in your class, (usually the dude with horn rimmed glasses and a sweet cardigan) and ask to join his study group. To command dominance, show up late and unprepared, then berate your group members for not having notes and outlines organized for your viewing pleasure. Crack inept and unfunny jokes to slow down everyone's progress and call the group organizer "Jim or whatever your name is" when you have a question that needs to be answered.

The Night Before:
Once you feel as though you've done everything possible to prepare for your final exams, it is important to take your mind off academics for a few hours and into repose. Switch off between playing video games and mild studying. Play Call of Duty for two hours and then lackadaisically look at your notes for three minutes. Getting out of your dorm/apartment is important as well. Go to that kegger down the street put on by your college drop-out friends. Have a couple pitchers of beer and then go to sleep at 4 am. Three and a half hours is plenty of sleep for a test worthy 50% of your grade.

And that, my friends is how one properly prepares for finals. Some people might tell you that attending class regularly, taking notes, reading your textbooks and meeting with your professor during office hours is the correct way to prepare for finals, but who really has time for all that nonsense? And if worse comes to worst, retaking a class ain't all that bad. A new crop of impulsive freshmen chicks is just a couple months away. Enjoy your beating from your stepfather.
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