Tuesday, November 28, 2006

No. 28 "How Not To Get Laid."

Are you hit on everyday? Are you insanely attractive? Are you a conceited? Well, I wrote an article for us awesomely attractive people on how to not attract the opposite sex because we are so badass that we get too much play. Here's what to do..

So a girl's hitting on you, and you being such an awesome narcissist, aren't interested. Forget telling them you aren't interested, use your fist! Hitting women isn't illegal! This will work faster at getting them to stop bothering you, and will impress your peers.

Gain weight:
So the fist-in-face didn't work as well as you had planned? Well, since you're so awesome you need to do something drastic. Gain about fifty pounds, this will show them! The weight will signify you supremacy, and don't worry if people laugh at you, they're just jealous of your man-boobs.

Pee Your Pants:
Everyone knows its cool to pee your pants. By peeing your pants it will symbolize your non-interest, and people will disperse. It's just like in the animal kingdom, I think..

Be a pussy:
Everyone knows that guys that are pussies never get pussy. So start telling girls your "feelings" (I know we don't have any feelings, but watch some "One Tree Hill" and do what those tools do.) Instead of reaching down her pants when you're making out, hold her hand. Instead of watching a movie in your apartment and then fucking without a condom, take her out to a nice dinner, pay for it and then walk her to her door. This is sure to get her not to want you.

Be a fuck-hole:
Girls love assholes, but they don't like fuck-holes. Fuck-holes are way past assholes and douche-holes. They're another level of "hole." An asshole would not call a girl back or tell her to get you a drink. A fuck-hole calls a girl back to insult her and use racial slurs. And a fuck-hole has the girl get him a drink and then throw it at her, telling her its not what you wanted. (Even though it was.)

Get an STD:
Go to your local whorehouse (ASU) and ask for the nastiest slut. Bang her without condom and leave without paying. Now you have a sure-fire STD! Sure STD's are easier to get than weed, but people have to know you have it. So, while at a big party, turn off the stereo and pull down your pants. Then announce your disease and how its incurable. Go back to partying and you'll be left alone. :)

Club Baby Seals:
Women love cute animals, so this will deter them from your charm. Just go to a public place and start beating some of these adorable animals. The police want to arrest you? That's just because they're jealous you thought of it first. There's not any seals in your area? Order some real cute ones on Ebay, you can also buy a neat club there too! You clever dog, you.

Listen to Creed:
Actually, don't. People will think you're gay.

These awesomely badass tips will assure that you can go to a party without being hit on, and will also prevent you from any social activity. Go You!

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

No. 27 "How To Ruin Thanksgiving."

You're home for Thanksgiving and haven't seen your family or relatives in months. It is a time for great conversations, great food, and assuring you will never be in any of your relatives wills. Here's my guide to help with that...

Wrestle Your Grandpa:
Your Grandpa will come up to you with a big smile and wanna give you a loving hug. But instead of hugging him, tackle him. He's in a wheelchair? Too bad! Then try to pin him. Ignore your screaming grandma, you've got to show him who's boss. Pin him to the ground, call him a bitch, and then have an appetizer.

Get Wasted:
So you're 20 years old and still sit at the fucking kid's table? You wanna party anyways. You may not be able to drink wine, but you can spike your gay ass apple cider. And while you're at it, spike your 6 year old cousin's too. He'll thank you once he gets out of the hospital.

Ask to Say Grace:
Grace is a sacred tradition before Thanksgiving dinner. But instead of saying what your thankful for, say what your pissed off at God for. The F you got in Econ, your girlfriend who cheated on you, and the herpes you contracted from her fat friend. This should spark some fun conversation among your relatives.

Never Pass the Sides:
The Thanksgiving table is an ever-moving side entree fiasco. Make it a game and try to get all the sides. Each side is worth one point, and the turkey is worth 5. Try to attain them all and never pass it to your relatives. Once you get all of them, run away and throw them in the backyard. Scream "Reparations!" and then quietly return to the dinner table.

Embarrass Your Mom:
Your mom probably hates your dad's mom so tell a little anecdote about how your mom despises your grandma. Make sure to use plenty of expletives. Once you are done embarrassing your mother, excuse yourself and use the bathroom.

Hit On Your Cousin:
Make sure it's in front of your relatives. Tell her you saw it in a French movie once and it was way hot. Plus you're only related by blood. She's only twelve? Too bad for her. You only have boy cousins? Too bad for you.

This will be a very memorable Thanksgiving for you and your whole family and after you follow my guide it will make sure you're not invited to any more family events, which are totally lame anyways. Good luck!

Saturday, November 18, 2006

No. 26 "Unattainable Chicks."

Don't you hate it whenever you're at a restaurant, bar, or strip club and your waitress/bartender/whore flirts with you all night and you forget they work on tips and think they actually like you? Well here are some ways to bang these tip hungry tramps.

Go into one of those 50's style diners and find a waitress that doesn't look like your aunt and ask for her specifically. Start off by calling her "babe," "cutie," or "sugar tits." Girls love being called pet names by total strangers. Ask her what her favorite dish is (even though she probably would never eat at her own diner.) Spill your drink on her white shirt "by accident" so you can see her boobs and then compliment her on them. Impress her with you coke bubble making techniques and make a sculpture of her with your mash potatoes. She won't be able to deny your mature sexiness and will give you head in the Elvis-themed bathroom.

Go into the bar and find one of the hot bartenders. (Which is all of them because they wouldn't be hired if they looked like waitresses.) Order an appletini so she knows you are a real man. Pretend she's a stripper and say things like "take it off," "show me your tits," and "slut!" Then throw money at her... and don't waste your precious George Washington's... use loose change. Then ask her when she gets off. She will say "midnight" and then mumble "I'd make you get off before that." She will say "huh?" And then say you said she has nice eyes. Once she gets off work buy her 10 shots and make her drink them all. Once she is passed out, drive her home. To your home.

Go into a club and sit down next to the stage. You've got to remember that these girls hate their dads way more than the bartenders and waitresses so make sure to keep their self-confidence at dangerous levels. Beating them also works. Put a dollar bill on your pants so she has to grab it with her teeth then sue her for sexual harassment once she touches your tool. Slapping her on the ass and grabbing her tits is normal and they like this. Don't let her fool you with the whole "I'm calling the police" thing. Once the bouncers start beating you, she will definitely remember you. Wait for her behind the club and ask her on a date... to your apartment... to have sex... without dinner... or condom.

I hope these helpful tips will get you a date, laid, or land you in jail. Good luck!

Friday, November 10, 2006

No. 25 "Home v. College."

Oh college is the best 4-8 years of your life. But, there's a downside (and not the syphilis you picked up last weekend) It's not home, and I have compiled in my TI-83 calculator the differences.
HOME: Everyone knows you and loves you.

COLLEGE: You know five kids in your dorm, and they all hate you.
HOME: You can't blast your music.

COLLEGE: You blast your music even though your neighbor has a Bio midterm the next morning.
HOME: Your own room to jack off in.

COLLEGE: Roommate who you catch jacking off at least 3 times a week.
HOME: You can't get laid in your house. Mom cockblocks.

COLLEGE: You can fuck anywhere, including your roommate's futon.
HOME: Home Cooked Meals

COLLEGE: Greasy, gross, fatty Union food that will give you heart disease in ten years.
HOME: Grandparents you hate and only pretend to like because you want beer money when they die.

COLLEGE: Who needs a will when you have your roommate's wallet!
HOME: Old friends who think you're "cool"

COLLEGE: Your not cool. No one believes you.
HOME: No Parties.

COLLEGE: Parties every night with hot girls who you trick into having sex with you.
HOME: Mom loves laundry.

COLLEGE: Pay machines that don't dry your clothes, lose your socks, and shrink your ironic but not funny shirt.
HOME: Curfew at midnight you had when you were 3 years younger.

COLLEGE: No curfew! Which means no curfew for your roommate. So keep that fucker up.
HOME: Compliments from your mom about how your acne has cleared up.

COLLEGE: The nicest thing one of your friends has said about you was how you would be popular... in prison. And not in the good way.
HOME: Getting your ass kicked by your dad once he looks up your grades online.

COLLEGE: Kicking your roommates ass because he lost your XBOX controller. Even though its right behind you.
Waking up without the following:
-Vomit on your shirt/hair/genitals
-A fat chick next to you.
-Beer soaked T-shirt

Waking up with the following:
-Massive headache
-No bed, no blanket, no pillow
HOME: Lying. (To your parents about your GPA which is lower than your blood-alcohol-level. And about the "lost" camera you borrowed from your dad and sold for a bottle of Grey Goose.

COLLEGE: Lying. (To everyone about how many beers you drank. (4 not 15) How many people were at the party (20 not 200) and how many girls you've boned this semester (0 not 15)
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