Tuesday, December 18, 2007

No. 42 "Things I've Learned in College 2."

As promised I have come up with more things I've learned in college. They may not be important, but I'll remember them much longer than anything I learned in Art 101.

  • Writing your name on the side of the beer pong list and drawing an arrow to the top doesn't fool anyone you tool.
  • Having a friend give you a drunken haircut looks good at the time... not so much in the morning
  • If you don't have tits, expect to wait at least 5 minutes for a damn drink at the bar.
  • A fake ID will get you further in college than a scholarship.
  • Roommates are a good source of free food.
  • Trying to jump on a ledge to impress people may end up with you breaking your hand.
  • The guy with the Affliction shirt and sunglasses on at the party will always hit on your girlfriend.
  • Nothing can stop a hungry pothead from eating the 3 week old burrito in the fridge.
  • Dudes will use the trash can as a toilet if the bathroom line is too long.
  • You will catch your roommate whacking it at least once a semester.
  • Only hot girls can cut in the keg line.
  • You have never been to Del Taco when it was light out.
  • Your cell phone will be lost or broken at least three times over the course of your college career.
  • Adderol is like crack in Compton come finals week.
  • "Don't Stop Believing" will play at every party/bar you go to.
  • When you are having a party at your place, you can be the biggest asshole to anyone.
  • You will never wake up after a night at the bars and be surprised how little you spent.
  • The best way to remember a girl's name that you forgot is to ask her to put her number in your phone. "Thanks... Carly?"
  • Kegs are heavy, do not lift them over your head.
  • Everyone has a friend that can do the "fastest beer bong." He is never around though.
  • Dudes that long board to class are douche bags. Go back to Laguna!

There you go, some more valuable facts that us college students have learned outside of the classroom. Party on!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

No. 41 "Paddy Math."

I am not a fan of math. Numbers aren't really my thing, but I believe that Paddy Math will get anyone to love this subject usually only reserved for Asians and Dungeons and Dragons players...

Hot Girl + Shirt + Water = Awesome.

Hot Wings + Toilet - T.P. = Ruined Linen Towel.

1 Girl ÷ 2 Guys = "Eiffel Tower."

2 Girls ÷ 1 Guy = Yessss.

2 Girls + 1 Cup = Mom doesn't find it funny.

Keg - Beer = Shitty Party.

Tequila + 8 Tacos = Ruined Spring Break.

Drinking + Driving = Fun Time/Jail.

Sex - Condom = Herpes.

Obesity + Glasses - Confidence = Virgin.

Popped Collar + Highlighted Hair + Tribal Tat = D Bag.

Zoo = No Fun.

Zoo + Beer = Fun.

Zoo + Beer + Drunk and fall over fence = Food for Tigers.

Strip club + Lap dance + Lap Dance + Lap Dance = Overdrawn Account.

Freshman + Beer Bong = Barf.

Laundry + Dorm Dryer = New clothes for little brother.

Beauty + Sanity + Single = DOES NOT COMPUTE.

So, there is your first Paddy Math lesson, I hope you will be able to use these skills to avoid herpes, jail and being eaten by a tiger in the future.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

No. 40 "Things I've Learned In College."

I'm about to go into my 8th semester of college and I've learned a lot over the years. But what you learn in the classroom isn't the only important thing you will take with you once you leave for the real world... here's some outside-the-classroom things I've learned over the years

-When black out drunk, a sticky kitchen floor is just as comfortable as a temper-pedic.

-Tailgating does not mean you have to go to the game.

-Throwing up after drinking all night means you are sober again.

-What happens in Mexico is spread all over Facebook.

-The only important sport is Beer Pong.

-Ramen Noodles + Taco Bell mild sauce = Delicious.

-Asian kids are smart, sit next to them in class.

-A Doritos's bag is just as good as a condom... as long as the girl doesn't know your name or number.

-Nothing can cure a wine hangover.

-Sinks = Urinals.

-Don't get blackout during parents weekend.

-A Diamond is forever. And so is herpes, so stay away from that wing of the sorority house... just kidding

-Don't introduce family members to friends who always talk about wanting to "meet your mom and sister."

-80% of professors have facial hair... including female professors.

-People dressed up as police officers on Halloween are most likely real cops. (Do not pat them on the back)

-You will not enjoy your power hour... but your friends will

-Your white board on your dorm door will not be there after the first weekend.

-Taking a shit and sending a picture of it on your phone to a friend is just as good as a gift basket.

-The "Walk of Shame" is best when a crowd is around.

-Bets that you make while your drunk always resurface later.

-Pretending to talk on your cell phone when someone you hate walks in your direction is basically a force field.

-Things like 2 Girls 1 Cup actually exist and entertain drunk people.

-With anal sex: Forgiveness is easier than permission.

There we go, I'm sure most (all) of us have learned these important facts in college... Its worth that $10,000 a year, isn't it?
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