Wednesday, May 21, 2008

No. 49 "First Date."

Ah, the first date. It can either be the start of a beautiful relationship between boy and girl or could end with a glass of Chardonnay in your face after an off-color joke. Either way, you have a story to tell your buddies. Here are some helpful tips on how to ruin your first date with a nice young lady.

Start With A Nice Gift:

-Some people start a date off with flowers or a plush toy, but you want to be original and leave a real impression on her. Condoms and lube will do the trick. She may act surprised or even angry, but she's just playing hard to get. And frankly, you're just being safe.

Equal Rights:
-Chivalry is dead, and ladies will think you're a pussy if you don't follow protocol. Things to avoid: opening doors, listening to her, and paying for dinner. Equal rights are a part of some amendment, and we wouldn't want a lawsuit on our hands, now would we?

-A great conversation is important for date chemistry. Tell her some stories about the crazy chicks you've banged and never called again. This will intrigue her and make her think that you are a regular Ron Jeremy.

Dining Etiquette:
-You don't want to be boring during the dinner section of your rendezvous. So take a couple shots and pound a couple brews before you order. Then, being the gentleman you are, order for her. Oh, she's allergic to tomatoes? Well she's just going to have to deal with it. Being open to new things is important on a first date. Burping will let the chef know that the meal was delicious and barfing on the table will let the bartender know when to cut you off.

While She's Freshening Up:
-When she kindly excuses herself to go to the ladies room to call her friends and tell them about what an amazing date she is having, start going through her purse. You can find out more about a girl through her purse than through her yapping. Also, while in her purse, grab some goodies for yourself. (Credit cards, Social security cards, ect.)

Being Kind To Your Dining Staff:
-Hitting on your waitress and grabbing her ass will just make your date want you more. It is a proven fact that girls want what they can't have. So, if your date believes that you and the waitress might eventually become an item, she will try harder for your attention. You sly dog you.

Making The First Move:
-Once you wipe the puke off your mouth go for that momentary first kiss. She may try to turn her head or call security, but being persistent is important on a first date.

Planning A Second Date:
-Once you walk your date to her door it is vital to get her phone number so you two can have an even better second date. If she refuses, you always have the goodies you got from her purse so you can find/stalk her for months to come.

It is important to note that these tips are not 100% guaranteed. Results may vary. Side effects include:

-Crotch Kicking.
-Reputation ruining.
-Mace-in-eyes disorder.
-Keyed Car Syndrome
-And Dandruff.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

No. 48 "Bucket List 2."

Since I have already accomplished the things I wanted to do on my first bucket list, I had to write another one. This time I'll need a time machine, some foreign language training and a monocle. Enjoy the thoughts that cloud my attention while I'm in class.

Out-argue an Angry, Obnoxious, Sometimes Overweight Black Woman.
-It may just be me, but whenever I see any of these shitty reality shows, there is always an overly confident, blowhard black woman that scares the bejesus out of all the other skanks on the show. This angry overweight black woman loves confrontation and always repeats the same word or phrase and some how wins the argument out of pure idiocracy and fear. I would love to argue with one of these retards and get them to shut the Fuck Up. I'm talking to you, New York!

Be So Shocked That I Drop My Monocle Into My Soup.
-I'll be a fancy gala event and someone will do something shocking, which will shock me so much that i drop my monocle into the soup that the waiter just put in front of me. This will be followed by me saying "My Word!" in a British accent. Now I just need to find myself a monocle...

Catch Foreigners Talking About Me in Another Language.
-This will be a great A-Ha! moment. I will learn every modern language known to man, then walk around big cities with many foreigners acting like a douche. (Stay out of Orange County) Then, when they start talking in their native tongue about me, insulting me, and thinking I cannot understand them. Then, A-Ha! I will confront them, speaking to them in their jibber-jabber language. They will be so shocked that they will die... and I will smile.

Kill The Messenger.
-This will be during my sinister bad guy years. Some nervous young kid that works for me will deliver me bad news which will anger me. I'll shoot him and then walk away as I light a cigar and motion for my henchmen to clean up the mess.

Stand Up To an 80's Preppy Bully.
-After I build my time machine to 1987 I will go to a high school and find the smug popular guy with the sweater tied around his shoulders. I'll pretend to be the new kid at school stealing his thunder, and at the prom (where everything always goes down) I'll catch him cheating on his girlfriend and then knock him onto the table of punch, ruining his cardigan. I'll go back to 2008 and become an 80's legend.

Shoot At Someone and Yell "Dance!"
I'll need my time machine again for this one, or I could just go to the South since it hasn't changed intellectually since the 19th Century. I'll go to some saloon and get into an argument with the barkeep over the price of my drink. I'll grab my pistol and start shooting at his feet. While he's jumping up and down I'll be throwing up my cowboy hat and yell "Dance!" Then, I'll come to my senses and realize he was correct about my tab, apologize, pay and be on my way.

Get Into a NYC Cab and Yell "Follow That Car!"
-This might be a problem in real life since no NYC cabbies speak English, but I just want to follow some car throughout the city, cutting off cars and running into newspaper stands. Once the car I'm chasing gets to its final destination I'll calmly get out of the cab and walk away, confusing the cabbie for the rest of his B.O. smelling life.

Get Into a Brawl at a Biker Bar.
-It will start with me walking into the bar, the music will turn off and all the bikers will give me a dirty look. I'll accidentally knock over the drink of the biggest, baddest biker. He and his hoodlums will all fight me and I'll beat them all with a pool stick. I'll leave the bar after taking a shot of whiskey and then knock over all the motorcycles like dominoes.

Finally Kill James Bond.
Alright, its been like 50 years and all these bad guys can't get the job done. They spend too much time devising elaborate plans on how to make him suffer using lasers and fancy equipment. I will just walk up to him at the bar while he's drinking his martini and shoot him in the fucking face. How hard is that, bad guys?

So, there you go. Sarcastic comment.
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