No. 18 "Pizza Slut."

Well, I just finished my job at Pizza Hut. After working there for two summers, I thought I'd write a little blog about some experiences I've had and some lessons I've learned.

TIPPING:
I drove your damn pizza all the way to your house -- and before I go further, I delivered in a wide range. Central avenue all the way to 90th street. There were a lot of dirt roads, it wasn't easy finding some of these damn houses. A tip is not included, you need to reach into your wallet and give me some money!
-No Tip-$1: You are a cheap bastard and I will run over your dog out of spite.
-$1-2: You are also cheap but I won't run over your dog, just your cat because I hate cats.
-$2-3: Eh, you could do better, but I'll leave your pets alone.
-$3-5 Solid tip, I'll say Thank You.
-$5-10 You're a bad ass and you can have as many crushed peppers and parmesan cheese as you want!
-$11+ I'm on my knees...

DOGS:
I'm not scared at dogs at all, I love them, but about 80% of the house I went to had "Beware of Dog" signs on their property. And one of my friends that worked at Pizza Hut actually developed a fear of dogs, (what a pussy.) Some of the houses I delivered to had some ugly motherfucking dogs. They were some multi-breed of half-wolf/half-dog/half-monster. Not many chihuahuas.

EAST SIDE v. WEST SIDE:
Pizza Hut is on 48th street and we deliver pretty far in both directions. They are very different sides though. The west side has lots of dirt roads, wild animals, horses, and hillbillies. The East Side has nice ass houses and no rabid animals attacking me. The east side always tips better, so if I'm taking two deliveries I always go to the east side first and the west side has to settle for cold pizza.

Hillbillies/Red Necks:
I fucking hate them, and I get to deliver to them every damn day. This is what an average hillbilly is like:
-Confederate flag on their truck.
-Random car parts in the front yard.
-Wild animals running around.
-Seven malnourished kids, all within a year of each other.
-A Texas accent even though they're born and raised in AZ.
-Chew tobacco they spit on your shoe, then drop kick you with their spurs.
-Five hundred and thirty eight Private Property and Beware of Dog signs.
-They answer the door with a shotgun in hand.
-65 cents is a good tip, boy.

MY BOSSES:
I had a general manager and three assistant managers that were my "bosses," but not once did I ever listen to them or respect them. Rick was the GM and he was cool as hell, when the other assistant managers would tell me to tuck in my shirt, I'd be like "I'm pregnant, I can't" and Rick would agree with me. I was a year older than all my assistant managers so obviously I have seniority over them. They needed help with a table -- too bad, I'm busy sitting down. One time my assistant manager Chris was mad because there was a bunch of dishes that hadn't been done. I told him that he better get busy and take care of them. He took me off the drivers list and told me to do the dishes, I politely told him to fuck off and walked away. After doing approximately four dishes he came in and put me back on the drivers list because he forgot that he needed me and Pizza Hut would die without me. He never bothered me again.

COMPLAINTS:
-The Pizza isn't good -- too bad, I didn't make it.
-The Pizza is late -- Well, there was traffic or the cooks took too long to make it or something else that doesn't point the finger at me. It's not my fault, I'm only the driver
-The order is wrong -- you must have ordered it wrong, all of our Pizza Hut employees couldn't get it wrong, they all have PH.d's
-You forgot my ranch -- You don't need it, fatty.
-Your shirt isn't tucked in -- Fuck You.
-The pizza is cold -- You have an oven, use it, bitch.


All in all, Pizza Hut was a laid-back job and I made a lot of money. It was fun to work there and it will suck having a job where I can't tell my bosses to fuck off or to wake me up when a delivery comes because I'm gonna take a nap.