Saturday, November 18, 2006

No. 26 "Unattainable Chicks."

Don't you hate it whenever you're at a restaurant, bar, or strip club and your waitress/bartender/whore flirts with you all night and you forget they work on tips and think they actually like you? Well here are some ways to bang these tip hungry tramps.

Go into one of those 50's style diners and find a waitress that doesn't look like your aunt and ask for her specifically. Start off by calling her "babe," "cutie," or "sugar tits." Girls love being called pet names by total strangers. Ask her what her favorite dish is (even though she probably would never eat at her own diner.) Spill your drink on her white shirt "by accident" so you can see her boobs and then compliment her on them. Impress her with you coke bubble making techniques and make a sculpture of her with your mash potatoes. She won't be able to deny your mature sexiness and will give you head in the Elvis-themed bathroom.

Go into the bar and find one of the hot bartenders. (Which is all of them because they wouldn't be hired if they looked like waitresses.) Order an appletini so she knows you are a real man. Pretend she's a stripper and say things like "take it off," "show me your tits," and "slut!" Then throw money at her... and don't waste your precious George Washington's... use loose change. Then ask her when she gets off. She will say "midnight" and then mumble "I'd make you get off before that." She will say "huh?" And then say you said she has nice eyes. Once she gets off work buy her 10 shots and make her drink them all. Once she is passed out, drive her home. To your home.

Go into a club and sit down next to the stage. You've got to remember that these girls hate their dads way more than the bartenders and waitresses so make sure to keep their self-confidence at dangerous levels. Beating them also works. Put a dollar bill on your pants so she has to grab it with her teeth then sue her for sexual harassment once she touches your tool. Slapping her on the ass and grabbing her tits is normal and they like this. Don't let her fool you with the whole "I'm calling the police" thing. Once the bouncers start beating you, she will definitely remember you. Wait for her behind the club and ask her on a date... to your apartment... to have sex... without dinner... or condom.

I hope these helpful tips will get you a date, laid, or land you in jail. Good luck!

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