Sunday, August 30, 2009

No. 63 "The Angel Prank."

I'm trying something new this week. Instead of writing an article about being a misogynistic asshole, tongue in cheek of course, I've decided to tell a short story about a prank I pulled a while back. If all you idiots like it I will write some more in the future. And here it goes...

It was the fall of 2005. I was a sophomore in college and immature as ever, with the acne to prove it. This was during my obsessive-compulsive stage of being addicted to Myspace. (Which, thanks to modern medicine and years of therapy I have moved past.) While I was bored one day, me and my friend Easton decided to create a fake Myspace account of a super hot girl that just moved to Tempe and went to ASU.

Since I had more time on my hands, I took the liberty of creating the fake profile. After about three hours of searching through pictures of hot girls on Myspace and masturbating I had finally found the girl whose identity I was going to "borrow." From what I can remember she lived in Massachusetts or some lame state that I've never been to.

Now it was time to give this fox a name. It took almost seven minutes, but I ended up deciding with the name Angel. I don't know why I came up with that name, perhaps its because I'm the devil.

Once I created a fake profile for my new project, I added a handful of pictures with flirty subtitles like "my boobs look small in this pic, hehe" and waited for the douche bags to flock with friend requests. I was more excited than a bro at a Mountain Dew festival.

The next day I awoke like it was Christmas morning, excited to see how many new "friends" I had made. 125 new friend requests and 50 new messages. This is going to be fucking fun. The messages ranged from your usual "Hey what's up?," to compliments on Angel's physique to their skills in the fine art of cunnilingus. Being a dude, its funny as fuck hearing people hit on a fake chick and spend time out of their day thinking of what to say to this attractive female, unknowingly sending it to a 19 year old punk kid.

Within a week Angel had almost 500 friends. Messages and comments were overflowing. My buddy Easton decided to have a little more fun and respond to the messages. Send something nice right? Fuck no. He would question their sexuality and send them racist replies. The responses were amazing. The same guys that spent time finding Angel and writing her a message told "her" off, which included the regular array of insults, (slut, bitch, cunt.) you know, the usual.

After two weeks, Angel had over 1200 friends and it was almost impossible to keep up with the hurricane of douche baggery coming at us. It must be hard to be a hot chick, well other than the free drinks and having everyone do what you ask. As fun as it was punking random dudes with tribal tattoos, it was now time to prank my friends.

I would send some of my buddies friend requests and immediately they would respond. Easton and I just put out the bait and reeled them in. Making many of my friends think they were going to hook up with a hot chick. One of my friends, who will remain nameless, showed me her profile and bragged about how he was going to hang out with her during the upcoming weekend. And yes, it was hard to hold a straight face through all of this. We would then stop messaging them, to which they would freak out and send messages such as: "Why didn't you message me back? What's wrong? I thought we were going to hang out?" Like shooting fish in a fucking barrel.

Next, we decided to take it a little further and really fuck with one of our friends, Jason. At this point we were closing in on 2000 friends and we thought it would be a "good idea" to post Angel's phone number on a bulletin telling guys she was bored and wanted to hang out. Oh, and Angel's phone number was really Jason's. That day Jason's phone would not stop ringing. "No, this isn't Angel! Who the fuck is Angel?" "How did you get this number?" "Dude, stop yelling. I don't know where Angel is." Jason was almost as pissed as he was confused. Easton was at Jason's house while all this was happening, trying not crack up. He and his girlfriend pretended to be getting phone calls from guys too, so it seemed more legit and eliminated them from being suspects (I'm a genius, I know.) As soon as Jason left the room, Easton hit me up letting me know our prank freaked Jason out and we preformed a verbal high five.

Later that day, Jason sent me a message on my personal Myspace and it seemed as if he was onto us. But luckily I am a fantastic liar and convinced him he was incorrect. Here is a transcript of our conversation:

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jason
Date: Oct 15, 2005 7:34 PM

dude i know you created that angel girls profile and you and rocky are fucking with me and easton and michelle, so fess up BIOTCH!!!!!!!!!!!

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Patr!ck
Date: Oct 15, 2005 8:18 PM

what the fuck are u talking about?

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jason
Date: Oct 17, 2005 7:50 AM

dude this supposed angel, gave out my phone number to like 2000-some guys and every fucking one of them called or texted me asking for her. ill tell you more later this is a long ass story

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Patr!ck
Date: Oct 17, 2005 9:48 AM

dude thats insane, but i dont know angel, other than the fact that rocky is friends with her

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jason
Date: Oct 17, 2005 9:52 AM

eastons gettin messages from wierd girls on here and on his phone, hes gotten a couple calls and so has michelle. easton even got this friend request from some random girl and what she was sayin was exactly wut angel said to me except worded a lil diff. this is some wierd shit dude

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Patr!ck
Date: Oct 17, 2005 9:53 AM

thats fucking weird, i havent gotten any calls or shit yet, but idunno its some weird ass shit

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jason
Date: Oct 17, 2005 10:13 AM

yea, im still gettin calls from guys! and it just seems like something you and rocky would come up wit.

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Patr!ck
Date: Oct 17, 2005 11:46 AM

haha wow thats insane, but im pretty sure that angel girl is real, rocky showed me a pic of him and her from like 2 yrs ago

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jason
Date: Oct 17, 2005 12:58 PM

oh shit, well it just seemed that way, wouldent you think the same thing??

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Patr!ck
Date: Oct 17, 2005 1:08 PM

haha i probably would think the same thing too. hey im coming back to town thurs-sun so we need to party it up for sure

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: Jason
Date: Oct 17, 2005 1:22 PM


Success! It took another week before the phone calls and text messages stopped and eventually we told Jason that we were fucking with him. But now our team of pranksters had grown to five and we had more pranks left in us.

It was now time to really fuck with people. Angel sent out a bulletin that she was going to be at a restaurant on Mill Avenue and she wanted someone to eat lunch with her. Of course her cell phone wasn't working so they just had to "meet her there." The next day Angel's mailbox was full of messages from angry and/or confused dudes that "couldn't find her," or "waited almost an hour." Oh, the things people do for love/pussy.

But the last prank we pulled with Angel was my Mona Lisa. This one dude who was like my dad's age kept messaging Angel and he was one cocky son of a bitch, the type of dude you want to choke with a garden hose when you see them in public. Well, we decided to give him a little treat. After a week of messages properly worded by Easton, the dude wanted to meet Angel. He lived in Glendale so we made him drive forty minutes to North Scottsdale to meet Angel at Desert Ridge mall. Once the date was set, the douche bag gave Angel his cell number and his work number. Couldn't have asked for more.

I had a female friend call him pretending to be Angel and set a time to meet up. He was really excited and "Angel" told him that she liked orange shirts on guys and her favorite flowers were carnations. I almost jizzed my pants at this point, I was so excited.

So the date was set and about twenty minutes before Angel and said douche bag were supposed to meet up, me, Easton and Jason waited outside of the meet up location to watch this idiot in person. He got there early, sharply dressed in a button-up orange shirt and blazer, holding a bouquet of carnations. Sucker. We set up my buddy's phone so the voice mail was from Angel, AKA our female friend. Once 7 O'clock passed he called and received no answer. It was now 7:30 and this guy had called four times, left two voicemails and sent two texts. He was starting to get pissed and he had no idea three dumb ass kids were parked 100 feet away from him and laughing their asses off and high-fiveing up a storm.

Finally, we decided to let him know that Angel wasn't coming. We drove past him, rolled down the window and asked if he was looking for Angel. The reaction on his face was priceless. I have never seen someone so pissed and ready to beat the fuck out of me. Luckily, we sped off as he attempted to chase us. I still wonder what he did with the carnations, did he just throw them away? I'll never know.

The next day we got a couple nicely worded messages from this fellow. They ranged from how he was going to find us and injure us to his connections with the Phoenix Police Department and how we were going to go to jail. Obviously he never got to any of us, and lucky for us we have never seen him again. Oh, and later that day we called his office and left a message with his secretary asking him to call Angel.

The End.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

No. 62 "Benign Minutia III."

Are all black guys' cousins inherently shady?

People from America that spell favorite favourite are automatically labeled uptight assholes in my book. It doesn't make you seem cultured, you just look like an ass. Go to fucking Canada if you're gonna spell words incorrectly.

Who is this guy that is marrying Kendra "I have the most annoying god damn laugh in the fucking world" Wilkinson? I am a huge NFL fan and I've never heard of the dude. But, its better than licking an 83 year old's balls, I suppose.

Why is Macauley Culkin doing Palm Pre commercials? I guess the script for Home Alone 5 isn't ready yet.

I recently discovered strikethrough on my blog, and I'm so excited to use it. I can write whatever I want and no one will be able to read it because its crossed out. Once I peed in a trash can in my room and blamed it on my little brother so I wouldn't get in trouble. See, its fool proof.

Attention Women: It is just as easy to put the seat up as it is to put the seat down. I'm not sure where this notion came from that all guys need to put the seat down after they piss. Its sexist. Guys are inherently lazy and instead of putting the seat down after urinating we usually just leave it down and piss all over the seat. Enjoy your wet asses, ladies. Oh, and if my future wife tries to pull this seat-down bullshit on me, the bitch will be pissing outside. Yep, that's how I roll.

There needs to be an easier way to eat the bottom of a Popsicle. It seems like every time I get to the end of it I have to deep throat the fuck out of the stick to get the last bit of deliciousness. Wow, that didn't sound gay at all.

How has no one bought the website I am saving up my money and buying it so whenever someone says "That party was the bomb dot com" they will have to pay me royalties. Don't you wish you were smart like me?

I don't understand that when I'm on a fifteen minute break at work it goes by so fast, but whenever I microwave a hot pocket it feels like I could watch all three Lord of the Rings and it still wouldn't be done.

Sexual predators are probably the weakest of all the predators. Most of them are middle-aged, balding men that frequent Myspace far too often. Think about all the other types of predators: sharks, bears, and lions. I would much rather get fondled by a guy that lives in his mom's basement that be mauled by a bear.

Updated 7/23/10

Sunday, August 23, 2009

No. 61 "The Updated Freshmen Survival Guide."

About three years ago, I compiled a list of things to help the average incoming freshman with their transition from high school to college. I'm now 23 and have experienced more college activities not involving school work as anyone. So, I decided to take my list from three years ago and update it with information I have learned since then.

Sorry, its not like Saved By The Bell: The College Years where you get a dorm the size of your parents house. It will be a little bit bigger than a jail cell, and definitely smellier. If you picked your roommate, you will either have a great first year. Or, you will fight them to the death over who ate the last Hagen Daas. If you get a random roommate, they will probably steal your shit and jack off to pictures of your girlfriend when you're not there. As far as girl roommates are concerned, they will love each other the first couple of months, create photo albums with pictures of them hugging in frames that says Friends Forever and be in humorous fake Facebook relationships with each other. Then, the day will come when they just hate each other. It may be because one of them borrowed the other's sweater, or swallowed their roommate's boyfriend's DNA, but it is a proven fact that 95% of female roommates will eventually hate each other before the end of the year. And 100% will talk shit about each other. Don't argue with it bitches ladies, its science.


This is not like the pamphlet that the university gave you when you were still in high school. You will not being high-fiveing minorities in wheel chairs or hanging out with Asians. You will never see the kids you hung out with at orientation. The majority of your friends will be made in the dorms. It will be the first people you get fucked up with. These will be your friends for the next four years, so pick them wisely. Also, it is important to make "friends in class." These are not your real friends, and not the people you hang out with on the weekend. They are the people in your classes that save your ass when you forget about a test and need their notes. They are usually socially awkward and just looking for someone to talk to them. You may need to invite them to a social gathering on the weekend every once in a while to ensure they won't fuck you over, but from there on out, its smooth sailing. (FYI- Asians are usually the first "friends in class" picked, so make sure you go to class early and recruit them before they get picked up by another kid.)

Oh shit! College has started and before you buy your rectangular things with words and find out where your classes are you gotta "find where the mother fucking party's at!" Usually you can find out about fun activities through your RA or Residence Life. I'm kidding, that's where you go if you want your college experience to suck. Once you find a couple cool people who know about the party, it is imperative to follow the guidelines of being a freshman at a party. Read these rules carefully, or you might come off as what is known in college as "a fucking douche bag."
  • Don't try to out drink anyone, because you won't be able to. You see that 90 lb girl over there? Yeah, she can drink you under the table so don't even try. Just because you were able to slam seven Smirnoff Ices one night back in high school doesn't mean a damn thing.
  • Girls don't give a shit about anything that happened in high school. Wearing your lettermen's jacket to a college party is a great way to make a fool of yourself and can result in a mild to moderate beating.
  • Proclaiming your lack of sobriety during a party is just annoying and will show everyone at the party that you are an immature loser, and beer cans may or may not be thrown in your direction.
  • Some people may try to convince you to party in the dorms. Do not listen to these people, they are trying to trick you. Partying in the dorms is lame and only Freshmen do it. You want to seem older, so unless it is your only choice that night, stay the fuck away.
  • When coming to a party, generally you will not know the owner of the house. So, you need to show some God damn respect. Do not show up with all of your retard friends. If you and your buddies wanna get your shits and giggles at a party bring all of these things: Money, beer and women. Since you don't know any chicks, just bring beer and money.
  • Don't pass out anywhere. People don't always follow the "shoes off, free game" policy. If you pass out at a party, you'll probably wake up with balls on your face. (And if it's only marker, you're lucky.)
  • Trying to act tough is a successful way to get your ass kicked. I've seen it time and again. The freshman that thinks he is the shit because a couple girls gave him a hand job back in high school. Drop the ego at the door, kids.

College girls are different than high school girls. Getting to know girls in high school usually involved passing notes, dates and meeting disgruntled fathers. None of that in college. You can usually get laid just by drunkenly whispering that she has nice eyes and then gently finger blast her on your buddy's stain covered couch. After you are done, compliment your new lady friend on her moist vagina. Some lady people may request that you take them out in public and pay for activities/food while holding hands and looking deeply into each others eyes. These are called "dates." I would not recommend them mostly because they cost money that you need for beer and video games. If you must take a broad out on a "date," make it as cheap as possible. Some ideas: Take her to the local soup kitchen where both of you will learn many new things, including how to make methamphetamine. After your delicious dinner, take her shopping at The Salvation Army. She will most definitely swoon at your savvy self. All in all, it is important to remember to use protection. There are some crazy chicks out there so always carry a firearm in case you need to cap her bitch ass. Oh, and pull out.

Unlike high school, the teacher doesn't call your parents if you don't show up to class. They do call if you threaten their life with a mechanical pencil though. The fact is that you usually don't need to go to class every day. This is where your new "friend from class" comes in. Just make sure that fucking nerd has your notes or else he'll pay the price of death. Another good reason to attend class is to meet girls. You won't find many in mechanical engineering or audio technician classes, because girls are dumb. Check out the classes that involve designing dresses or women's rights. You know, the bullshit ones. And finally, if possible, bang you r professor. If any college film from the last twenty years has taught us one thing, its that banging the professor will solidify good grades. Oh no, you only have guy professors? Time to bite the bullet, young gun.

College is a great time to expand your musical horizons. Most dorms will give you access to other people's Itunes, so steal away fuckers! Take all your neighbors shit. From The Doors to Lady GaGa, you never know when you might be in the mood for some "Poker Face." You are bound to run into those douche bags that think they know everything about music and tell you about bands you've never heard of. Make sure to pretend to listen to their theory on why The White Album influenced The Wall while you're banging his girlfriend. And, don't forget to memorize the favorite bands of the girl who you are currently Facebook stalking. It'll be a great conversation starter and much less creepy than complimenting her on the fifth picture on the bottom row of page twenty six of her photo album. Finally, don't forget that Dave Matthews Band and OAR will be played in every dorm across America, so start liking them.

Another antonym f or fun. They suck. Don't go to them unless you want to fall into a boredom coma. It will just be some overly exuberant upperclassman telling you about how "fun it can be helping people." No thanks, I'd rather deep throat a cactus. If I wanted to do community service, I'd commit a crime. Anything else the school sponsors will be just full of sanctimonious people that you would never want to be in the same room with, doing arts and crafts and building team work. Fuck that, they don't even have booze. Other than sporting events, school sponsored events are entirely useless.

Having a roommate can definitely salt your game. It sucks getting a girl drunk, (or roofying her) losing her friends, and getting her back to your dorm to then have to deal with the fact that your roommate is there reading a stupid book. It is nearly impossible to say "get the fuck out" politely. Basically you and your roommate need to come up with a system wher you can both get action without having to see each others' balls. Come up with an arrangement or signal so they know what's up. If you say "Hey man, did you pick up your mail?" They will know that you need the room for sexual activity, or forget and say "Yeah dude, your test results came in, and you have like four different kinds of untreatable STDs ." And if they aren't there, but might be coming back soon, buy one of those small dry erase boards and put it on your door. Draw a smiley face or just write "I'm having consensual sex with a female" on it so they don't walk in on you banging the girl they told you they liked and was writing a song for. Or, you could just be an ass and not give a fuck if they see anything and wag your dick around them the first day you move in so they get used to it. It's your choice, really.

  • The Creeper: He's the guy that met you at orientation, and always seems to be around. He runs into you at the food court, the library, even the fucking bathroom. "Oh, you guys are going to a party, I'm coming" Remember to always give them the wrong directions.
  • Triple Crown: Once you turn 21 or get a fake ID, you will come to realize the true meaning of the term. It is when you go out to the bars, get shitfaced to the nth degree and then get kicked out of bar after bar after bar. 3 bars equals a Triple Crown, seven equals a night in the drunk tank.
  • Dorm Storming: Generally done by upperclassmen. It is when a group of guys (generally 3-4 of them) goes through all the female dorms and talks to girls with their doors open. This is usually done before a party, so it won't later be described as a "fucking sausage fest." There is the "ice-breaker" that usually tells a joke or says something to spark interest to the girls, the "middle-man" carries on the conversation and gets to know the girls better, and "the closer" gets the girls numbers or invites them to hang out. Freshman dudes usually hate the Dorm Stormers, but there's not much they can do since they are younger and have weak arms.
  • The Cycle: A concept by Aaron Karo, where in one weekend you hook up with a freshman, a sophomore, a junior, and a senior. I have yet to meet someone who has accomplished this feat, but once I do I will gladly shake his hand, and then immediately wash it.
  • The Box Blocker: The female version of The Cockblocker. Usually described by many as "fucking gross." She will go out with her much better looking female companions, and once they try to go home with a guy she will cause as much hell as she can until said females go back with her. Try to trap her early in the night by placing a pepperoni pizza under a box and then pulling the string once she goes for it.
  • The Half-Hottie: A girl with one or two good features, but the rest is just a mess. Consuming alcohol will make these one or two things much more visible and the rest of the mess less visible. Example: Boobs. They will get you every time. You'll be pretending to listen to her and just stare at her boobs and imagine all the fun you could have with them and then wake up the next morning regretting the fuck out of it.
  • The Bitch: The kid who follows you and your friends around and the only reason you allow this to continue is because he buys beer and food for you and your friends.
  • The Townies: Mostly found in small town colleges like NAU. These are the people born and raised in the city that the college is in. They show up at college parties even though most of them didn't even graduate high school. Townies love talking about the history of the town and how they know everything about it. Your best bet is to ignore them or punch them in the ear.
  • The Mountain Dew Crew: A bag consisting of douches. Basically its a bunch of guys with Affliction shirts and tribal tattoos that come to a party and attempt to be the center of attention. They are easy to recognize because they will smell like Axe Body Spray and only drink Jager. Condescending comments are common and so are STDs. (Do not be lured into their counter culture of douchebaggery. I'm talking to you, ladies.)

  • Befriend the RA, or at least pretend to. If you're an ass to him/her, they will bust you for drinking and give you that "I'm not mad, I'm just disappointed" face your mom has perfected so flawlessly.
  • Get a fake ID. The kid with the fake ID in the Freshmen Dorm is always the coolest kid around. Guaranteed to make you friends, or at least people will come into your room with a list of alcohol to buy, and you can make believe they are your friend.
  • Go to class every now and then. Believe it or not, you might even learn something.
  • Work out. You will gain weight from the constant drinking and 4 am stops at Del Taco, pick up a weight before you gain some.
  • Always have condoms on you, or in your room. If its too late for condoms, buy a Plan B pill, if its too late for that, go through your closet and find a hanger --to hang up all the new baby clothes you are going to be buying. What did you think I was gonna say?
  • Buy a fan. Not only because it will get hot in your dorm but because it will smell like shit. Farts mixed with dry semen and old Easy Mac is not the best combination.
  • Talk to your professor. Being silent in class is a bad thing. Ask questions and talk to them after class about anything. Most professors love this. And it might even spark a little chemistry between you two.
  • Don't go home. Well, at least not right away. The retards that go home every other weekend end up dropping out and work at Dairy Queen. I know your friends back home are so fucking rad! But, meet some new mother fuckers.
  • Don't fuck a fatty. I'm begging you
So that's the updated version of The Freshman Survival Guide. I think every year I'm going to update this until I'm forty and my wife threatens divorce. Have fun out there kids, because before you know it you're gonna be that old dude at the bar that won't stop talking about his time in college. Like the great Black Eyed Peas once said long ago: "Get get get get get with us, you know what we say, party every day, pa pa pa party every day." Good Luck.

Updated 7/18/10

Monday, August 17, 2009

No. 60 "How To Make Friends In Jail."

You must be reading this because you recently found out that you will be going on an extended "vacation" to the county jail. Who knew it was illegal to jack off outside of a Taco Bell? Well first of all, congratulations on your good fortune. It will be just like a vacation to Mexico, but instead of margaritas and bikini clad women, you will be surrounded by a bunch of large men that all want to stick objects in your anus, and more Mexicans. Lets start.

Once you get to your new home for the next three to five years, (depending on your behavior) you will want to make some friends. And we all know that friends bust each other's balls. Go up to the first person you see and make fun of them and then give him a wedgie. I'm sure Manuel will find it hilarious.

Join A Gang:
Remember in high school when you joined the debate team and made all those cool and socially acceptable friends? Well, it'll be just like the glory days. But, this time try to branch out to a different group. You see those friendly African American gentlemen over there? Ask to be a part of their clique.

Shower Time!:
Hygiene is very important when coming to a new place. You don't want to be the smelly kid in jail, now do you? If possible, sneak your loofah in with you when you first go into the joint. The guys may make fun of you at first, but it will definitely get their attention. Loofahs are also great for cleaning off blood stains.

The guards in jail are basically just like your RA's in college. Kinda dorky and just want to be your friend. So, hassle them a little and make sure to tell them about your cell mate that is trying to break out. Honesty is very important, and your cell mate will have learned his lesson and eventually forgive you after shanking you in the windpipe.

Coming back from jail without a new tattoo is like coming back from Vegas with money still in your account. So find the best tattoo artist in the area and go get yourself a brand spankin' new tattoo. Don't worry about the rusty old pen he's using on your skin, he spit on it first so it's clean as a whistle. Plus, Hepatitis C is very treatable.

You'll soon find out that most people in jail like to collect items such as cigarettes, porn, and shanks. But, you want to be original. Instead, show off your collection of pogs and Pokemon cards. They might laugh at you and then later beat you, but at least you aren't a conformist!

Now it's time for a hearty, healthy meal! Make sure to let the friendly chef know about your food allergies and that you are now on Atkins. You don't want to be gaining a spare tire while on vacation now do you? Additionally, feel free to borrow food from the people sitting next to you. It'll be a great conversation starter.

Don't worry, you don't have to be nervous. There won't be any girls in jail. Whew! What a sigh of relief, huh?

Now you're ready for your vacation in jail. You'll get to make new friends, try exotic cuisines and have a sweet new neck tattoo to show off to future employers. But watch out, because I've been told that there are homosexuals in jail. All you have to do is politely tell them that you enjoy the company of women and they will let you be. Good luck!

Updated 7/18/10

Monday, August 10, 2009

No. 59 "Benign Minutia II."

Do you have to speak in a southern twang to be a NASCAR driver? Is it a part of the interviewing process?

I think the recent rise in stalkers has to do with the fact that every romantic comedy is about a guy liking a girl who doesn't feel the same way. He keeps trying and trying and finally gets her in the end. Maybe stalkers are just hopeless romantics.

If you find scissors in a guys bathroom, don't touch them. Just let them be, you know what they're for.

Things that need to cease to exist: black jelly beans, The Jonas Brothers, and Esurance commercials

Athletes from other countries need to learn the fucking language when they come to America. You're getting paid millions of dollars, Rosetta Stone is only like 30 bucks, dip shits!

A good way to confuse friends on Facebook: Send a comment like "had a great time last night, we should kick it again." But, you have to do it to your friends you haven't seen in months that live across the country. It will confuse the fuck out of them.

If you're on that show Cheaters aren't you basically just saying to future employers "Don't hire me, I'm mentally imbalanced."

You never notice how many baseball fields there are until you fly on an airplane.

Why do strippers always have to bring up their kids? I'm not gonna give you a bigger tip (cause I never tip strippers.) It just makes me notice your stretch marks and C-section scars. Boner killer.

Whenever an administrator or someone of importance says "Have a safe weekend" what they're really saying is don't party and do drugs.

How did hot chicks ignore guys hitting on them before texting was invented?

Updated 7/18/10

Monday, August 3, 2009

No. 58 "How To Make A Rap Video."

I've written articles about relationships, drunkeness and basically being a bad person, but this week I've decided to try something different. Since MTV only has shows about dating hookers and rap videos, I'd go with the subject I know the least about: Rap videos. Here are some basic steps you will need to follow to create a perfect rap video...

Get A Big Mother Fucking Boat:
It has to be ginormous. Even if there is only going to be three people on it. You don't see Jay-Z rapping on a god damn fishing boat. And, there is no need to actually be going anywhere, just cruise around, dance and throw up gang signs.

Use Colloquial Language:
Bitch, Hoe, Sleezy. All synonyms for intelligent young ladies. Your raps don't necessarily have to make sense or contain many lyrics, just repeat the same saying or phrase over and over. You've got a sweet beat, that's all that matters.

Big Booty Hoes:
Without big booty hoes, your rap video will not be genuine. You can find these big booty hoes on VH1 and MTV reality shows. Once you have them booty-shaking on your boat, crack open a bottle of Cristal and spray it all over their booties. They will love it, and their fathers will be proud once they watch the finished product.

Rims, Baby, Rims:
You may be on a boat for this music video, but you have to have rims somewhere. Maybe have a couple Benz's on the boat and just kneel down next to them while the rims are spinning and grin while pointing (make sure they see your fresh new grill.) This will make you look like a bona fide baller.

Large Stacks of Money:
There are many things you can do with large stacks of money. You could put it in an investment fund for your illegitimate children's college future, but fuck that! There are cooler things to do. Try holding the stack on a table and counting the money (who cares if you can't count.) Or, you could throw it in the air and act like you just don't care. The possibilities are endless.

Pointing Objects At The Camera:
It doesn't really matter what you point at the camera, just grab anything. We already did money so how about you try guns or jewelry? Or, how about a fucking baby? Hells yeah, a baby.

Slow Motion:
This shit is cool. Use it when you are opening your door or entering a room. It must be used whenever booty-shaking is happening. And, when you're throwing your child's college fund in the air, the falling Benjamins will look ill as fuck.

Shots Shots Shots Shots Shots! Shots Shots Shots Shots Shots! Shots Shots Shots Shots Shots Shots!:
Don't say that. It's annoying as fuck.

And the Rest:
Smoke cigars slowly, take off your white tee and wave it around, and point to the sky. The rest is really up to you.

And, that's all you need to make a rap video. If you can't afford diamonds, spinning rims or a rather large boat, well then stick to indie music videos, nerd. I'll be spraying champagne on hoes...

Updated 7/18/10
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