Thursday, April 27, 2006

No. 06 "Cockblockers."

There are many different people you will meet in college. You have the meatheads, computer nerds, sorority girls, fuglies, frat guys, binge drinkers, losers, and older creepy guys. But, the one stereotype you will always remember is the Cockblocker.

The Cockblocker is usually described as a douche bag or a tool. No one likes him and he is usually wearing a backwards hat. He wants to interrupt the intelligent conversation you are having with a girl you want to get to know better (bang and brag about.) They will do everything in their power to bring you down and nab your girl. You talked to her first and got her a drink, she's yours goddammit!

He is usually creepy, loud, and doesn't care about you. He knows about the party "from a friend of his" but this friend is no where to be found. He will walk up and start talking to the girl about the most retarded shit in the world. He might walk up with his Mercedes keys in his hands even though he is clearly not driving, so it might catch her eye. "Oh these? Yeah I drive a SL 500. No big deal." He might try to make lame jokes about how cold/hot it is to get her attention. He'll probably keep talking about how he's from California or Colorado or some "cooler state," and how different it is. He'll use the words "like," "so," and "right on" way too much. "Naw, like totally back in Cali its so different, a lot more chill, things are like so different here." And he will tell the stupidest stories lies ever, and your girl will believe every word he says because girls are stupid. Just kidding.

The cockblocker will usually act like you aren't there. And if they do, they will give you that gang handshake from California that nobody understands and you slap instead of pound. He'll also say something like "What up chief, I'm Brad." And I will be like "Hey man, I'm Patrick." And of course he'll intentionally and condescendingly be like "Tolchek?" Yeah that's my name. My parents gave me a made up name, douche. He will probably backhandedly compliment your hair or shirt. He's enough of a dick to piss you off but not quite as big of a dick to deserve a fist-in-face sandwich a side of dick-kick.

A different kind of cockblocker is the oblivious one. He's harmless, but can lead to non dick-wetness. This is the guy that is hanging out in your (and by "your" i mean some dudes) room when you're about to bang some hot Gamma Phi pledge. He just goes on with small talk, talking about music and movies and things that don't involve him leaving anytime soon, while you and your girl just look back and forth at each other mouthing to "get him the fuck out of here." The best way to get rid of this ignorant bag of douche is to ask him to grab you a drink. As soon as he leaves, close the door, lock it and begin the boning. And you will have a refreshing beverage waiting for you once you're done!

You have to watch out when cockblockers work in a team. They come at you from all corners, like Army special forces with too much gel. Its hard to defend against them, and even harder to get rid of them. They one-up each other as if the girl will be so impressed that she'll bang all three of them. There is always a short guy in the pack and he is always the leader. If you can take him out, the whole group dies (figuratively that is.) He is the nucleus. So the best way to get rid of the leader is to tell him to do a keg-stand. He will not want to look like a wimp in front of the girl so he will do the longest one possible and throw up all over the place and his friends will have to clean up the mess. Slowly walk away with your girl and chuckle to yourself about how smart you are while you slyly grab her ass.

Girls can be cockblockers too, and they are the worst. They are usually the hot girl's fatter, uglier, red head-ier friend that she only keeps around so that she and her friends feel better about themselves. She doesn't want her friend to get any action because she hates men since no one would ever want to bone her, no matter how drunk they were. She doesn't want you "to win." So she comes up with excuses for why her friend has to go. "You have an early class." Its Saturday. "You don't know him." I don't care. "You have to wake up early in the morning." Don't worry, I'll kick her to the curb as soon as I'm done. "I don't want to be alone tonight." Fuck, I can't think of anything. These type of cockblockers are hard to defend against. They are working from the inside and can influence the girl more than the seven shots of Jager and your cool new haircut can. The best way to win in this situation is to have a buddy of yours "take one for the team" and hook up with the fugly friend. This will let you get the hottie and you can "owe one" to your friend. He will keep bringing it up and ask when you will "take one for the team" for him. This will never happen. Just keep saying "Next time man, I got ya."

Here are some helpful tips to spot a cockblocker:
-He has blonde tipped hair
-He's wearing a popped collar polo.
-He has a cigarette above his ear.
-He is a fucking liar.
-He doesn't stop talking.
-He knows "everything."
-He's wearing way too much cologne.
-He's "really into" Limp Bizkit
-He agrees with everything your girl says.
-He just happens to have everything in common with her too.
-His name is Brad.

Overall, the best way to avoid cockblockers is to carry a knife on you and stab them so they shut up. This may lose you the girl, but people will know not to fuck with you. Other than that, just try to demean them and spill your drink on them if their retarded game is actually working so they have to go change or go to the bathroom. Immediately go outside and tell everyone that he peed his pants. As soon as he comes out everyone will laugh at him and he'll probably cry and run away.
LADIES: I was just joking around, guys aren't really like this. Most guys want to treat girls with the utmost respect that they deserve. All guys want to get to know you before they move to the next level. Female Power!
There is no need to read past this part.
GUYS: Haha, good thing girls do what they're told and stopped reading this blog to make us a sandwich. Well hopefully these tips will help you fight off cockblockers so you can get the most play humanly possible. Girls wouldn't go to parties if they didn't want some action. Keep your pimp hand strong!

Monday, April 24, 2006

No. 05 "Random Thoughts Part 3."

Jesus does not have a Myspace, so posting bulletins about how much you love him is pointless. Myspace is for people to hook up with each other, not to spread Jesus' love.

Yeah, Jennifer Aniston is hot, but I don't blame Brad Pitt for leaving her for Angelina Jolie. C'mon, its Angelina Jolie

There is not one Italian that isn't proud of their heritage, not one.

I hate it when I'm walking with a friend of mine and they run into someone they know. Its always weird to stand there, not knowing whether to introduce yourself and add into the conversation or just stand there and look at your cell phone that's not ringing.

Whats with California drivers? When I was in "Cali" over the summer, every time me and my friends were driving people would look into our car. They would never be smiling either, it was like they were investigating. "Do I know this person? Hey! Do I know you?" California has like 40 million people, I'm pretty sure the 405 isn't full of your homies, Pablo.

The Public School system is the only place to fuck up the pizza. Pizza is loved by everyone, no one doesn't like pizza. But somehow school lunches always fucked it up. First off, Pizza should never be square, it confuses my mind and taste buds. My eyes see square and confuses my taste buds and that destroys everything. It would always be burnt and greasy and gross. Its pizza, not that hard to make, but it never tasted good. But I'm pretty sure our lunch ladies aren't renowned international chefs, but how hard is it to make a decent pizza?

What the fuck happened to Tom Cruise? Seriously.

I hate stand up comedians that say something like "Women are blah blah blah" just to get applause from stupid women. You are a comedian, you are paid to make people laugh, not to inspire women with your insipid compliments. Do your God Damn joke.

Whenever that show Next comes on, I get excited because I like that show, but I hate it when I get all amped for the show, the guy starts talking and I realize that he's gay. It totally ruins the show and I have to change the channel. The Lesbian Next episodes on the other hand...

You will never hear this at a McDonalds: "Hey dude, that cashier is hot!" If they were hot they would be blowing movie producers not serving you a Big Mac.

Every party I have ever been to has played the song "Don't Stop Believing" by Journey. Drunk people and old 80's songs are a match made in heaven I guess.

For all your bike riders that ride without hands: you're not cool, and no one is impressed. I could do that when I was 9 and by the time I was 11 I realized it was lame. Do you think some girl walking by will see your cool no-handed bike riding skills and wanna jump in your pants? And by the way, the funniest thing in the world is when you crash your bike because of your no-handed riding.

For anal sex: It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

No. 04 "Random Thoughts Part 2."

Ever tell someone off and have to come back because you forgot something? A couple months ago shit went sour with this one girl and I told her she was "an immature dumb ass" then proceeded to storm off. I felt on top of the world telling that girl off and just leaving, but I forgot my sweater in her room, so I had to awkwardly walk back in, softly tell her I forgot my sweater and walk out of the room. Yeah, I fucked that "storm out" up.

Do you ever do that thing when your walking somewhere and you see someone you know and you waive at them, but they don't waive back so you do that weird head scratch thing so they don't realize you made a fool of yourself. I fucking hate that.

My take on days of the week:

SUNDAY: The day of rest, the day to sleep off the weekend and all the crazy 5 am drunken nights. Also the day you realize the weekend is over and Monday is coming very soon
MONDAY: The shittiest day of the week. No one likes Monday, not even Monday. Its not like Wednesday, where you can say "Well at least its not Monday."
TUESDAY: Monday's less shitty little brother. Its not Monday, but its still not the middle of the week. One good thing--Taco Tuesday at Del Taco.
WEDNESDAY: The work/school week is halfway done and this is one of the better days. This can also turn into "Wasted Wednesday" if you're an avid drinker or "alcoholic."
THURSDAY: The best day of the week. You know the weekend is very close and the work/school week is dwindling down. This is why "Thirsty Thursday" is a tradition in my clique.
FRIDAY: Fuck school, Fuck work, Fuck professors, Fuck bosses. The weekend is officially starting. Everyone knows what Friday "feels" like. Its like the beginning of summer every week. You make plans and can stay out late. Long live Friday.
SATURDAY: Friday's older, cooler brother. This is the best night to party, this is where the craziest nights take place, but near the end of the night, you realize that Sunday (AKA Monday Eve) is approaching.

Hip Hop and rap nowadays sucks big time. Seriously, listen to that Wait song and tell me its a "good song" and I'll point out a retard. The other night I played, without a doubt one of the best hip hop songs ever ("Notorious Thugs" by Biggie and Bone Thugz) at a party and some girls were like "what is this? this song sucks! Play "Grillz!" I wished it was legal to slap women at that time.

This weekend I went to my grandparents house for Easter Sunday and it was nice and all but I always have to meet their weird, old, half deaf, boring friends and act interested.
My Grandma: "Oh, this is my grandson, Patrick"
Her Friend: "Hello Patrick how are you?"
Me: "I'm good, just enjoying Easter, ya know."
Her Friend: "Whats that?"
Me: "Easter... its nice"
Her Friend: "It sure is..."
(Awkward Silence)
Me: "Um..yeah..."
(I slowly walk away)
-Now what am I supposed to do? Just stand there and talk for hours to some 78 yr old lady? And I hate that weird moment where I have to walk away after the conversation is over. Ugh.

I was watching that Yo Mamma show and I'm pretty sure Wilmer Valderrama (or however you spell his inane last name) is the biggest tool next to Carson Daily. He's not funny and when he "raids" the other people's houses and tries to joke around he just looks like a moron. And that show tries to be so ghetto, with all the stupid slang they use to describe everything. Wilmer is not ghetto. And what is with everyone on that show having stupid nicknames. J Boogy, Mamma Q, Funk Stylee Pimp Master Quantro, ect. Can't they just be like "Um hi, I'm Tom." This show is so lame, and I've heard all these jokes before, but they were said by middle schoolers, not wannabe ghetto 24 year old men.

I will be the first to say it, pie is way better than cake. Without a doubt. Cake sucks. Its just lame and frosting is gross and whenever you get a cake for a birthday there's always like 3/4 of a cake left. Whys that? Because cake sucks. On the other hand you have Pie, which rocks. Pie is hot and tasty and delicious. There is never leftovers. When I get married I'm having a big huge pie and I don't care what my wife thinks. Pie rules, Cake sucks. In American Pie he fucked a pie, not a cake, what does that say? Case closed.

I've been thinking and in my life I've been told that I'm "Gonna go to hell" by a couple people. And you know what? I don't give a shit. Heaven is like impossible to get into (Especially if your Catholic) and all my friends will be in hell. Lets look at both sides: Heaven: I can't do immoral things (AKA fun shit) that I like to do on earth, and I'm hanging out with a bunch of goody-two-shoes people I don't like. Then there's Hell: I can do the immoral things that I like to do and I get to chill with my buddies for all eternity. And hey, its a dry heat.

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

No. 03 "Random Thoughts Part 1."

I just saw a preview for that new movie Take The Lead and I'm pretty sure I've seen this film a dozen times. And by "seen" i mean saw shitty previews for them while watching other good movies. I would never pay to see that crap. I haven't even seen the movie but I can tell you what will happen. Alright, we got a bunch of high school intercity youth, and they all like hip hop and rap. And to stay out of trouble, a suave Latin dance coach comes to the school and teaches them how to salsa dance. They are hesitant at first, but over time learn to love it and prove to themselves and their families that they are truly better than their outer surroundings. By dancing they can take on anything! Close with the group all high fiveing or jumping in the air, and fade to credits.

I hate selfish, self-centered, spoiled people, yet I watch Laguna Beach, 8th & Ocean, and My Super Sweet 16 all the time. Weird huh?

It's 2006 and we don't have a reverse microwave. Why not? We can make a hot pocket 300 degrees and have pizza lava sauce burn my mouth for 2 weeks but we cant make my beer a couple degrees colder? I just want to throw the sonofabitch in for 15 seconds and have my tasty beverage nice and cold. Is that so hard to do? Someone invent this please.

Guys with pony tails: Stop it. Seriously, no one likes it. And I don't like being at a party and say something like "Naw man, its not a sausage fest, look, there's a girl" and I point to what I think is a tall female only to realize I just pointed to a man. Stop confusing drunk people. Thanks.

"Political" and "party" shouldn't be in the same sentence. Ever.

When did this "big and beautiful" campaign start? They should rename it to "fat and naive." I understand that some people are born with fat genes (or whatever they call it) but we shouldn't be supporting obesity. It would be like someone starting "the coalition for people with uni brows." Its fucking stupid, go to the gym tubbies.

Speaking of which; why does Dr. Phil give people advice on losing weight? He could lose a couple L-B's himself. What is he, 265? Why doesn't he write a book on great hair too?

Whenever I watch these "Great Great Abs" infomercials they always have ripped guys doing the work outs. Why don't they get some fatties in there, ya know? The people that actually buy the product.

Don't force someone to put you on your Top 8. You aren't on for a reason, and if they put you on it, its only out of pity or guilt.

I hate openly close-minded people. I also hate redundancy.

Wearing glasses doesn't make you smart. I hate celebrities that do that.

What is a socialite? I used to think it was a political party and now I find out it just means you fuck a lot of guys and spend all your daddy's money.
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