Monday, July 27, 2009

No. 57 "Essentials For A Successful Road Trip."

Its summertime and you know what that means? No, the Backstreet Boys aren't coming back. It means it's time to get all your dumbass buddies together and go on a road trip. To where? Who cares. With what money? Your mom's. For how long? Until your mom realizes her credit card is missing.

Courtesy To Other Drivers:
It is very important to be courteous and respectful to other drivers. When an 18-wheeler drives by, you have to do the horn-blowing motion until he finally succumbs and makes that super cool noise. It was funny on your 3rd grade field trip to Tucson, and its still funny now. You also must flip off your friends in the other cars caravanning with you. Mooning is optional, as is cutting them off and nearly making them crash while laughing hysterically.

Drink A Lot Of Alcoholic Beverages:
So what if you're only going to Vegas for the weekend? Bring five thirty packs and six handles of vodka. It will make the trip go by much faster and keep the driver entertained. And the more you drink, the more leg room you have in the car. (Littering is not a crime. I think.)

Pee In a Gatorade Bottle:
Its as simple as that. You want to get to Los Angeles as soon as possible, and you don't have time to stop and pee. But, don't forget to mark the bottle so you don't confuse it with the other lemon Gatorade. Not a mistake you want to make twice, believe me.

Make Fun of the People In the Small Town:
Whether its Barstow, Kingman, or any other meth-induced town, it is a must to poke fun of the townsfolk. Here's some areas you can touch on: How small their houses are, their lack of dental hygiene, and how dumb they must be. In addition, make sure the gas station attendant overhears you saying that you would kill yourself if you lived in their town.

Shotgun rules must be agreed upon before the trip begins. This can create a lot of turmoil if not settled beforehand, and can result in yelling and/or calling each other "fucking faggots." Also "shotgun no battle" and "shotgun no challenge" are the same God damn thing, Nate.

Jerky, chips and sun flower seeds are good choices. But remember, the messier the better. Don't bother cleaning up either, that's the job of the driver who gets to hear all your funny racist jokes and amazing voice while you are illegally drinking in his car.

Car Games:
Who needs I Spy and license plate games when you can see how far you can spit. Or, to take it to another level, how far you can throw your beer bottle. Never mind the cop pulling you over, he's just congratulating you for that totally gnarly throw.

Now you're ready for the best road trip ever! And this information is just for the ride to your destination, the ride back sucks because you come back sunburned, broke and itchy you-know-where.

Updated 7/18/10

Thursday, July 23, 2009

No. 56 "Gangsta Love Cards."

Do you have a difficult time finding a card for that special hoe of yours? Do the Hallmark stores refuse to cater to your unique lifestyle? Do you carry a gun underneath your sweatpants? Well, here are some loving cards to give to your bottom bitch.

My Dearest Annabelle,

Let's get N-A-S-T-Y
Get ready for a nasty time
All the nasty things we can do
I wanna bring out the freak in you

Let me bring out the freak in you

Your own,

My Sweetest Genevieve,

I wanna, li-li-li-lick you from yo' head to yo' toes
I wanna, move from the bed down to the down to the to the flo'
Then I wanna, ahh ahh - you make it so good I don't wanna leave
But I gotta, kn-kn-kn-know what-what's your fan-ta-ta-sy

With All My Heart,
Big D

My Angel Beatrice,

I can see yo beauty on a big screen... I can see me freakin' you wit' whip cream...
I can see you on stage at the awards, wit' a dress better then Jennifer's and doin' big
things, Kick it wit' me I can mold yo life, you lookin' good girl show you right,
Dre to
ld me you tha proto type, I can make you a celebrity overnight...

Your Faithful,

These cards and many more like them are available at stores now. Please purchase
the cards and not just steal them.

Updated 7/18/10

Monday, July 20, 2009

No. 55 "Hangover Cures."

We've all been there. Had a one too many glasses of Pino Noir at an art showing in the city and awoken the next morning with a slight head ache. Actually, its usually a migraine that feels like Brock Lesnar fist fucked you in the face after 4 keg stands, a bottle of tequila and sex with a hermaphrodite. Well bitches, over the last few days I have compiled a list of cures for that nasty little bitch we like to call a hangover. Read.

Chaser Pills:
You know, those pills that you take before and after every drink to make sure that you don't have a headache while pretending to work in your cubicle. They are super convenient too. Just take two pills with a glass of water after every alcoholic beverage you consume. Just politely tell your beer pong opponents to take a quick time out while you walk over to the kitchen and take your chaser pills. Oh, and be discrete about it. If anyone asks you, its really ecstasy. Now you're cool.

We all know that cocaine sobers you up. So just do a couple 8-balls and you can continue drinking without getting drunk. If you're not drunk you can't get a hangover. Simple math, really. When you do finally fall asleep later in the week you will wake up hangoverless and your account will be a wee bit overdrawn. If cocaine is not available where you live, just try meth.

Its the first thing you want to do after waking up on the bathroom floor covered in your own urine. Just take a quick shower and wash all the sin off of you and then just start lifting weights. Who cares if you haven't been to the gym since the Bush administration. Push it to the limit and try to out bench the roid monkey next to you. After all this great exercise you will forget about your hangover onc3 you wake in the hospital from heat exhaustion.

Hair of the Dog:
If you forget to do any of the previous cures and wake up with a hangover you can always start drinking again. Just pour the rest of the alcohol left at the house into the blender and then brush your dog. After getting a handful of dog hair, add that to the blender as well. (Where do you think the saying gets its name?) Don't forget the ice and blend it up. Delicious. Now you're ready for your job as a crosswalk guard at the local elementary school.

Greasy Food:
Once you wake up with a hangover, go to your local greasy breakfast food place. Bacon, eggs, potatoes and gravy will soak up all the horrible shit you put into your body and replace it with cholesterol. Butm at least you will feel better. Well, until you die of heart failure at 45 after your seventh bypass. But, who thinks about the future?

Not Consuming Alcohol:
Just kidding. Alcohol is just too much fun.

And once again I have passed on my vast knowledge onto you, my readers. Take my advice and you will never have a hangover ever again. Although you might end up with a coke addiction and die an early death, at least your head won't hurt.

Updated 7/18/10

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

No. 54 "Benign Minutia I."

I used to do these a couple years ago, where I'd compile random thoughts that go through my warped brain on a day-to-day basis. There is no theme or story to them, just benign minutia, so here you go...

-Chicks with blonde hair on top and black hair underneath will felate you 3X more often than a chick with regular hair.

-Stop posting pictures from your semester/summer abroad. It makes me jealous and I am going to delete you out of spite.

-Chick comedians aren't funny. They just aren't. Watch Comedy Central Presents: Some Dumb Bitch and try to laugh. Its like sneezing with your eyes open. Impossible.

-To be a correspondent on any of those VH1 and E! countdown shows, do you have to be a homosexual with horn rimmed glasses?

-I've noticed that when you are a teenager you're always rounding up, saying things like "yeah, I'm 16 but I turn 17 in like 3 months." But, once you are past 21 you start rounding down. "Well I'm 23 but I just turned 23 like eleven months ago."

-Since the Shamwow guy got caught beating up that hooker and Billy Mays died, who is going to sell me useless shit over the TV?!

-I was listening to "Confessions" by Usher for some gay reason. (Naw, its actually a pretty cool song, but I digress) and he just stepped up a notch in the "I can get laid no matter what factor." The dude talks about how he cheated on his girl and knocked up some other hoe and I bet after that song came out even more hoes wanted his nuts. I'm not jealous, though. Yes I am.

-Girls either want to kill or fuck Megan Fox. Can't you girls just find a happy medium? How about some S&M with her? And can I watch? No? Fine.

-Am I the only person that would risk going to jail if I got to nail Selena Gomez? Maybe I shouldn't have made these comments public...

-How the fuck do the Kardashian sisters that aren't named Kim have their own show? I wonder how that pitch went, "Alright, we're developing a show around the uglier Kardashian sisters. Oh, and Kim, the hot one, isn't going to be in it." "Deal. Here's ten million dollars. Just throw it out a fucking window." I need to stop watching E!

Updated 7/18/10

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

No. 53 "When You Know Its Time To Go Home."

We've all been there. At a party or bar or baptism, and at some point we realize its time to get the fuck out of dodge. Well, I have compiled a list of signs that you should get your ass home. Here are just a few for your reading pleasure.

You Peed Your Pants
Now, this is a problem that has a strange arc of happenings. Most people pee their pants from age 2-8 and then its smooth sailing until you hit your college years. Alcohol and a lack of bathrooms at a party increase the number of "accidents" sevenfold. The number drops again when we get older and decide to grow up, but rise once we're old as fuck and have to wear Depends. Once you pee your pants, you know its time to bounce, and hopefully before the homeowner knows you just ruined their satin sheets.

Your Friends Are All Gone:
This happens from time to time while getting drunk in a new or unfamiliar location. You're having a grand time, taking shots and making girls uncomfortable only to find out the person you just hugged is not your best friend but a rather angry biker that is not comfortable with contact from strangers.

No More Chicks:
This doesn't mean that there are no longer females at the location you decided to get sloshed at, it just means there isn't enough alcohol at the bar to get you to take home one of the gila monsters that is still lurking at the bar. No disrespect to you ladies, but ya'll scare me.

The Cops Are Looking For You:
At this point you might want to leave through the back door, jump the fence, hop into your car and head south for Mexico. This isn't the time for partying, and before you cross the border I would dispose of the dead hooker in your trunk.

The Chick You Made Out With Threw Up:
On you, in your mouth. If I were you, I'd immediately leave the bar without saying your farewells and stop at your closest convenience store and pick up some mouth wash. But don't worry, no one saw this happen to you. (Just kidding. Everyone saw, expect some vilifying text messages and a video on You Tube tomorrow.)

You Pull The Triple Crown:
Whats the Triple Crown you ask aloud in your apartment alone? Well, its when you try to get into three different bars and get denied one after another after another. There is no medal awarded cause if there was, hobos would be pawning them for PCP.

Your Friends Have All Been Murdered By The Mexican Cartels:
Eh.. I'll have one more drink.

So, now you know when it is time to go home. Next time you're out having a fun time at your nephew's baptism and you happen to have peed your pants, made out with a chick that threw up into your mouth and seen all your friends murdered by Menudo, you know its time to go home.

Updated 7/17/10
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