Wednesday, December 27, 2006

No. 32 "Fighting Techniques."

Every once in a while a douche bag will come around and want to kick your ass, but instead of trying to fight back, you should do these things...

Tell him a joke.
No one can resist a good laugh. So, once they are about to beat your face in, tell them a funny joke that you heard earlier in the week. This will distract them and if it's funny they're forget about beating your ass and you both can go out for a milkshake. (Warning: Do not tell black jokes to black people.)

Offer him a joint.
"Hey how about instead of fighting, we smoke this joint and then beat up some Asian kids?" No one can turn down a doobie, and everyone loves beating up Asians. (Ha ha just kidding, my mom is Asian… actually she isn't, but you know what it'd be like.)

There's a bear behind you!
Right before they're about to lay you out, tell them that there's a bear behind them. No one likes being mauled by bears. Who cares if you live in Phoenix and there have never been bears there. Once they realize that there is no bear behind them they will thank you for looking out for their safety and let you on your way.

Instead of fighting just start dancing with them. They throw you to the ground, you spin them around and dip them. No one can resist the temptation of the salsa, and they will be impressed with your dancing skills.

Put on glasses.
No one would hit someone with glasses, that's just rude. Your bully will have no choice but to leave. Take off the glasses and put on some sunglasses. Now you're cool.

Fall asleep.
Right before the fight starts lay down and go to sleep. No one will beat up someone who's sleeping. Your fight-ee will leave, and you can wake up well rested and un-beat up.

If any of these don't work, just shoot them in the stomach. It will scare them and girls will flock to you because guns are badass. Walk off with just an attempted murder charge instead of a black eye.

Overall, none of these things will work, it will probably just make them madder and beat you even harder. The best way to win a fight is to watch some tae-boe videos or have black friends.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006

No. 31 "Erecting Your Self-Esteem."

Are you down in the dumps, an Arizona Cardinals fan, or always get turned down by hot chicks? Well, just think in twenty years she'll be an old maid that nobody will ever love. Here are some tips to help raise your self-esteem...

Have your friend re-tell you the story about when his dog got run over by a car.
-It will remind you of your alive dog.

Go to Wal-Mart
-Seeing those sub-humans can only make you feel better.

Compare your wiener to Asian's wieners.
-Always does the trick. (Caution: do not compare to black dudes)

Live vicariously.
-Pretend to be Brad Pitt. Call your ugly girlfriend Angelina and look in the mirror and say "nice six pack!" to your beer gut.

Hang out at the Retirement home.
-Make sure to let them know you'll outlive them.

Sign up for charity work.
-No need to actually do the charity work. The signing up alone will make you feel better.

Curse around children.
-Teaching them new vocabulary will make their parents happy

Date a fat chick.
-A really fat one... like 400 lbs. Make sure not to take her out in public, (cranes can be expensive) and have her do everything for you and make her fall in love with you. Leave her. Your self-esteem will go up, hers will go down. Just like a see-saw! (Caution: Do not go on see-saw with fat chick)

Have a kid.
-This is a 9 month process, (and if its too much work, just steal one) but well worth it. Once they become old enough to stand you have yourself a servant!

Ask your Jewish friend what they want for Christmas.
-Self explanatory and hilarious.

Drink a lot.
-Your life seems so much cooler when your drunk. Even when its by yourself on a Sunday morning.

Go back to middle school.
-Outsmart those dumbass 13 year olds. Too tough? Try elementary school.

Read a book.
-Ha ha just kidding.

-...your STD to another person. Christmas is the time for giving!

Smoke some drugs.
-Or inject them :)

Good luck, and if none of the above works, it's probably because I gave you horrible advice.

Monday, December 11, 2006

No. 30 "Winter Break To-Do List."

Ahh... winter break is almost upon us. No more need take 4 adderol to study for your finals the night before, no more eating your roommates food, and no more parties with all legal girls... here's my to-do list for the next month or so while I'm home:

What you say you're gonna do
What you're gonna do

I'm gonna have the best winter break ever!
I'm gonna have a lame one, then lie to my friends when I come back.

I'm gonna go to so many bad ass parties!
I'm gonna go to three lame parties and realize that back home sucks

I'm gonna eat healthy.
I'm only gonna eat fast food and gain 10 pounds.

Dude, I'm gonna work out every day.
I'm gonna drink every day and watch a lot of college football.

I'm gonna hang out with the family.
I'm gonna give my mom my laundry to do, beg my dad for money then sleep in my own bed four times the whole break.

I'm gonna get a job.
I'm gonna apply to two places and then go home to watch TV.

I'm gonna get everyone X-mas presents
I'm gonna go to the mall, find shit I like and buy it for myself

Yeah mom, I'll pick up grandma from the airport.
I'll get drunk, fall asleep and then pick up grandma from the airport 9 hours late, drunk.

I'll read some books.
I'll read my dad's Playboys.

Oh fuck its X-mas Eve!
Here you go dad, I made you a macaroni card

I'm getting a Wii for Christmas!
I got a Dreamcast...

I'll clean the house, mom.
I'll make a mess and make you clean it up.

New Years is gonna be crazy!
What the fuck, New Years Sucks

I'm gonna sign up for classes.
I'm not going to, and I'll use my computer mostly for porn.

I'm gonna hook up with hot Cindy.
I'm gonna make out with her fat friend.

I'll go to church tomorrow.
I'm gonna drink until 5 am, come home drunk, throw up on the carpet and then sleep in until 3pm.

I'll feed the dog.
Sorry I killed Fluffy, mom.

Bye mom, I'll call you when I get back up.
I'll call you when I need money again

Monday, December 4, 2006

No. 29 "How To Be Cool."

I know how it is, you're a little awkward, don't have that many friends and haven't tried any hard drugs yet. Life sucks. But don't put your roommate's toaster in the bathtub yet, there is hope. Just listen up...

Wear them. All the time. During the day. At the movies. At church. People will notice you and respect you. The dude with sunglasses on at the party always has loads of coke, and we all know coke is totally gnarly.

Use words that were cool in the early 90's. Tubular, righteous, neat-o... actually don't use that, fag. People will be like "whoa man i haven't heard anyone say radical in forever, high five!"

Now that you have your righteous new lingo, you have to start saying words only half-way. Only losers say the whole word. Instead of whatever say "what ev," instead of session say "sesh," and instead of douchebag say "D-bag." In no time you'll be chillin', having a smoke sesh when a D-bag comes by and asks for a hit and you'll be like "what ev."

Not the soda, cool people drink Pepsi. Just blow a lot of lines and then brag about it to your friends and relatives, high-fiveing will ensue.

Now that you have those badass sunglasses you have to prove your badassness. So go to the liquor store and rob the place. No need for a weapon, a get-a-way car, or a hoodie. Just look really mean and demand money. Now you have more money for new sunglasses... and more coke!

Bandanna, not banana. (I know, I confuse them too) You gotta have a bandanna. Snoop Dogg wears them, and he's a badass.

Bump some tunes while rollin' in the Camry your mom bought you for your 16th birthday. People will hear from far away and a crowd will form to see how cool you are.

Cool dudes hit on chicks like its nothing. So, while at a party/event/church picnic just hit on every girl there. Grabbing her ass and whistling works too. And if they give you the cold shoulder, just tell everyone she has ghonoria.

Not literally, unless you want to, but please use a condom. Say good bye to your old friends and yo to your new friends. (cool people say yo instead of hello) Your new friends will use cool lingo and do a lot of coke while wearing bandannas. Your lame old friends will go to class and have a future, what a bunch of fags. When you see your old friends punch them in the ear and then run away.

There you go, these tips should assure your coolness. Just remember to also never smile in pictures, carry a hand gun, and throw objects and cute animals.
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