Tuesday, September 5, 2006

No. 21 "How To Break Up With Yourself."

I know how it is. You're dating a girl and you just get to a point where you get tired of them and want to break up. But, you want to avoid the crying and/or punching that will result in the break up. There's a solution: Break up with yourself. Do or say things that will make her hate you and never want to talk to you again. Thus, you are left without the guilt of breaking her heart. Here are some tips:

  • Change you phone number and "forget" to tell her. "Oh, I'm sorry honey I forgot to give you my new number. Yeah I guess it has been two weeks since we've seen each other, how silly of me."
  • Agree to do favors for her and the don't do them. "Sure I'll pick you up from the airport." Don't go and then pretend that she never told you in the first place.
  • Point out how hot other girls are when you are both out doing things or just tell her that her sister is better looking than her.
  • If she has gained weight since you started dating her, point out older pictures and "how thin she was back then." If she hasn't gained weight find really old pictures of her. "I was in 7th grade then!" "Well, you looked good."
  • Send her a text message saying "I can't wait to see you tonight, Sally." Her name is Jessica.
  • Call out the wrong name in bed. Use her mother's name.
  • If you are in a pretty new relationship tell her you love her. This is pretty much relationship poison.
  • Sob uncontrollably.
  • Find something she is really against and do that. Beat small animals or start smoking, what ever makes her tick.
  • Call her "woman" instead of "baby" or "honey." Telling her that "doing dishes and making dinner is her job" also works.
  • Tell her that you hate all her friends and she can only be friends with your friends.
  • Stop shaving, gain some weight, stop brushing your teeth and showering. This should make you completely undesirable and undateable.
  • And if none of that works, just start dating other girls without telling her and then once she finds out tell her you're a polygamist.

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