Wednesday, March 31, 2010

No. 108 "Bucket List 3."

A couple years ago a unforgettable movie starring Jack Nicholson and Morgan Freeman came out. The film was called The Bucket List, and was about two old fucks doing a bunch of random shit before they croaked. Since I will probably end up perishing in the next 2-5 years from either liver cirrhosis, wounds sustained from axe fighting, or tripping into a volcano, I've decided to come up with a list of my own. So for the third time, I've compiled a list of activities I'd like to accomplish before my liver fails while I'm axe fighting over a volcano. Check out the first two here and here.

Take A Stranger's Car:
You see this all the time in action movies from the 1990's. The protagonist is chasing some minority bad guy across a busy street and then wrecks his car and has to get another one quick. I am not exactly sure about the legalities involved in stealing another person's car in order to catch a criminal, but I'm almost positive that if you flash a badge or gun, people will comply very easily. So next time I run out of gas, or just get bored driving around my piece of shit car, I'll jump into the freeway and flash my Cub Scout badge at an Escalade and then pretend to chase someone.

Give An Inspiring Locker Room Speech:
In order to give a speech to a group on young athletes, I'll need to become a coach of some sort. That could take days or even weeks, so I would be better suited impersonating a coach. Once I knock out the coach and hide his body Jack Bauer style I will masquerade as a substitute coach. After coaching horribly during the first half, I'll tell the team to take a knee and then wait ten Mississippi's before beginning my heartfelt speech. My speech will include several buzz words to get the guys going. Pride, sacrifice, heart, effort, and passion. Hell, I'll even add Jesus into the mix. My players will be so inspired that they will give their all, and only end up losing the game by four touchdowns.

Become Excepted Into An African American Only Gang:
Now this one is gonna be tough. Not only am I as white as they come, I also have little to no street cred to speak of. But, that won't stop me from becoming a respected Crip and/or Blood. I'll start off by attending one of their weekly meetings at a city boardroom or wherever they go to handle business matters. I will then hand over my resume and answer any questions from the board members. I recently read an article in Time magazine on how to nail a job interview, so I will be fully prepared. Soon enough, I will be initiated into the gang and receive many awards, merit badges and bandannas. I may even learn the complicated multi-step handshake/hug I see black guys doing, but always fuck up.

Notify Someone That They're Too Late:
There's a variety of different ways I can do this. Most of them involve me being a heartless bad guy. I could be a tyrant king attempting to marry a woman who is in love with a peasant boy, and by the time he comes to rescue her, the marriage documents would have already been signed. I would stand next to my new wife, maniacally laugh, then say "It's too late! Guards, take him away!" Or I could be a kidnapper of some sort, who gives a rogue police officer a time limit before I start executing hostages. "You're too late, Bruce Willis-type character! All the hostages have perished! Now you must live with their blood on your hands while I escape to some island in the Caribbean." Yeah, something like that.

Offer My Daughter's Boyfriend Money To Leave Her:
I'll have to do this once I'm older and have a daughter. She will fall in love with someone from the other side of the tracks that isn't accepted into our society of the rich and posh. "He's not one of us!" I'll say, but to no avail. I'll attempt to convince her not to be with him anymore by framing him in thefts or tricking her into thinking he has been cheating on her. These attempts with fail, and I'll have to sit him down in my mansion library and try to pay him off to leave my daughter. While drinking a glass of scotch on the rocks in my custom made smoking jacket, I'll hand him a check for a million dollars. He will take the money, and leave my daughter alone. Once he's gone, I'll immediately call my banker and have him cancel the check, then pour myself another glass of twenty year old scotch.

Jump From Roof To Roof:
There are a couple different reasons for jumping from one roof to another. One could be while pursuing a criminal on foot. This instance is a bit harder, and may need to include a couple of practice runs before finally jumping once your friends won't stop berating you and calling you a pussy. The other would be while testing out newly attained super powers. I'm not sure how I will attain these powers, whether it be by some scientific mishap or just realizing it 23 years late. Either way, jumping from one building to the next will be a grand time. Well, unless I trip and plummet to my eventual messy death. Then it will blow.

Punch A Reporter:
Reporters can be very obnoxious, and aren't afraid to ask tough questions. Some are even down right evil, and will do anything to land the lead on the 5 O'clock news that no one under 65 watches anyway. I'm not exactly sure when or why I will be punching a reporter (presumably in the face and/or gut,) but I know it will be awesome. There will be a large crowd surrounding me, and once I knock out Patti Kirkpatrick or whoever is asking me the wrong question at the wrong time, the crowd will applaud me and I will say a clever comment I had written previously for such an event.

Make It Rain On Multiple Hoes:
I was at a gentleman's establishment recently, learning about the female anatomy, when a large man of color walked up to the stage and started throwing currency at one of the female employees. She seemed to enjoy this, as she was making her rear end convulse as he continued to throw money at her in a slapping manner. I wanted to be this man. But, to make it truly rain, and save money, I will sneak into the club and hide in the air vent. From there I will start dropping pounds of pennies all over the dancers and club patrons. It will seem as if it is actually raining, and I won't have to break the bank on expensive George Washington's.

Start A Relationship Off With A Lie:
Just about every romantic comedy I have seen is the same: Boy meets girl. Boy doesn't tell girl about something in order to further the relationship. Bitch flips out. Boy pleads his case. Bitch doesn't care. Boy spends an inordinate amount of time, effort and money to win her back. Boy and girl get back together and either get married or have babies. The End. I want to meet a nice girl, sweep her off her feet and then tell her a huge lie. I could say that I'm dying in 6 months and I have never boinked a girl in the butt, and wish to fulfill this goal with her. Or, that my religion insists on me having multiple girlfriends. Instead of telling her the truth and having to go through all the turmoil dudes in chick flicks suffer, I'll just move on once she finds out that I'm a liar, and overall horrible human being.

Alas, those are a few new goals I wish to accomplish over the coming years. It will be difficult to impersonate a high school football coach, gain superpowers, and become an evil villain with my busy schedule of sleeping and watching reality television, but I am convinced that all the above are entirely possible. With a little luck, magic, and lies, anything you set your mind to is possible. Except rubik's cubes, those fuckers are impossible.

Sunday, March 21, 2010


Yo yo! Spring Break is coming to a close and we're all recovering from our hangovers, sunburns and knife wounds. I haven't written a sidebar in a little bit so I thought I'd let ya'll know whats coming up from my silly blog. I'm working on another High School Memories blog, but its gonna take a while since its gonna be long as fuck. I'm probably gonna write another Bucket List, and have a couple other ideas involving summer camps, where are they now 90's celebrities, and how to get fired. Expect a new blog some time this week. Oh, and you should follow me if you aren't already. The link is on the right side and it puts a smile on my head. Thanks!


Saturday, March 13, 2010

No. 107 "Spring Break To-Do List (For Chicks)."

Now a couple years back I came up with a Spring Break To-Do List that was targeted for guys. You can read it here. But, this year I thought it would be proper to come up with an agenda for the fairer sex. Here is a list of what every college-age girl wants to happen on spring break, and what will mostly likely happen.

Get all your closest girl friends and party in Cancun!

-Have all your friends bail out on you at the last second and end up having to go to Tijuana with shady dudes that may or may not fondle you while you're sleeping.

Buy some cute outfits for the trip
-Have the last good swimsuit get taken by some skank that cut in front of you at Wet Seal.

Get in shape and have a rockin' body
-End up eating too much clearance Valentine's Day chocolate after your boyfriend dumped you, and have to wear a one piece.

Use the restroom before leaving for the trip
Make a stop to piss every 45 minutes, and anger everyone in the car.

Find a cute boy and make him your spring break boyfriend
-End up nailing three dudes the first night and get the nickname "Deep Throat Danielle."

Save money by having guys buy you drinks
-"Fuck this. No one is buying me drinks, let's leave."

Run into some friends from high school
-Run into enemies from high school that condescendingly comment on your one piece swimsuit.

Be classy and do not flash anyone
-Flash some guys your dad's age to get on their boat.

Keep your purse, cell phone, and keys in a safe place at all times
-Get everything stolen while you go to the bathroom, then proceed to sob uncontrollably for the next hour and a half.

Take a bunch of pictures and make six Facebook albums
-Drop your camera in the water the first day and only be tagged in one picture, in which you are flashing a Mexican bar back.

Have fun and drink, but don't get too sloppy
-Chug four gallons of margaritas and vomit in a dirty bathroom while a lady with no teeth holds your hair back.

Make a bunch of new friends
-Lose a bunch of friends after you have sex with their boyfriends.

Buy some unique jewelery
-Receive a large rash within ten minutes of putting it on your neck

Swim with dolphins
-Get stung by a jellyfish and have a hairy obese man urinate on you to relieve the pain.

Come back to the states relaxed and tan
-Book an appointment with the free clinic as soon as you are in cell phone range.

Nah... I kid you ladies. I'm sure your spring break with be full of fruity shots, yelling "Wooo!" and making out with the cast of Twilight. Unlike us men, you ladies are all too smart and classy to let these types of things happen to you. Now go out there are have a fun and safe spring break! (Although you can still be classy with your top off.)

Thursday, March 11, 2010

No. 106 "Childhood Myths."

Ah, being young. There's nothing better. You don't have to worry about a job, paying the bills, or having to guess your girlfriend's Facebook password twenty eight times to find out if she's been cheating on your sorry ass. It was a simpler time filled with cloud staring and asking your parents "how come" multiple times in a row until they beat you with a belt. But, there were myths that all kids were positive could happen if they didn't play it safe. Most of these myths were made up by that dickhead Joey who was a straight up liar and enjoyed tricking everyone into believing silly things. Every group of kids had a Joey.

Sneezing With Your Eyes Open:
Even at the risk of having your eyes pop out of their sockets and hanging down your face like an old man's ball sack, people will continue to try this and prove it to be untrue. I am actually not sure if this is true or not, and whenever I ask my doctor, he reminds me that his specialty isn't in optometry, but in diseases transmitted from intercourse with livestock. Kids would try to hold their eyes open while sneezing, but after six tries it was deemed impossible by the 4th grade class witnessing the demonstration. Attempting to sneeze with your eyes open will cause a few side effects though, including: a shitty ass headache, looking like an idiot, and public deriding.

Swinging Over The Bars:
There are few things more enjoyable and relaxing than swinging for hours on end. These include: fellatio while having a sandwich prepared, laying on a pool raft with a cold beer, and skipping rocks with the elderly. The swings were always the biggest attraction at the park for children. If the swings were already taken by a few kids, you would automatically hate those kids for the next five years. The slides were lame, and throwing sand at smaller kids can only be fun for so long. I believe it was a Nickelodeon show that convinced me that if you swing over the bars, your skin will go inside out and people will think you look weird. That is why whenever I was on the swings, I would be very careful and yell at my friends for pushing me too high. Plus, jumping off the swing, trying to go as far as possible, and breaking your ankle is much more fun.

Santa Clause:
This is a big one. Unlike the prior myths, this one was perpetrated by your fabulist parents in a giant conspiracy to make you behave during the winter months and eventually spoil you with gifts you won't care about in three months time. Now, it would take several hours to explain the whole story behind Christmas. What we need to focus on is those peeping toms/child molesters called elves. Apparently, they would be sneaking around your house watching you and then communicate with that obese old man who lives in Canada or wherever. Whenever a child misbehaved, their parent would point to a dark window or door and tell the child that the elves were listening, and that Santa would give them coal if their behavior continued. In my household, we eventually found out that the little people watching through windows were not in fact elves, but actually midget sex offenders who had jumped bail.

More of a false bacterial epidemic. Nowadays, doctors do not use elementary terms to speak of this disease. They just call it herpes. According to my 3rd grade diary journal, cooties can be spread three different ways. 1) By touching a member of the opposite sex during contact sports such as tag. 2) Through contact with someone who had been infected with the virus. 3) And, having someone spread rumors that you in fact have the virus, even though you totally don't. Only a trained doctor or child who claims they're doctor could give the Cooties Shot. This is administered by reciting the words: "Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you've got the cooties shot," while using the index finger to circle and dot the infected area. The Cooties Shot can also be administered by a quick punch to the arm. Unfortunately, this was only a temporary treatment. Eventually, sometime around 5th or 6th grade the vaccine was developed, called Commonia Sensia.

Slurpee Brain Freeze:
Frozen carbonated beverages are very popular among children. The sugar gives them a rush and the scoop straws can act as a sword after the beverage has been finished. But, if one drinks a Slurpee too fast, Sphenopalatine Ganglioneuralgia can occur, which in some cases can lead to death. This is what kids believed on the playgrounds across this country. Although no deaths have been recorded, there are a few ways to relieve the pain of a brain freeze. The most common cure is to press your tongue to the roof of your mouth for a few seconds. This can take too long for some children, so crying and yelling for your mommy is the most common response to a brain freeze. The best way to avoid a brain freeze is to either drink the beverage slowly or to grow up and drink a fucking beer like an adult.

Depending on your age, if you call "Candyman," or "Bloody Mary" five times in the mirror, the spirit will summon, and basically you're fucked. The bravest kid would always try this at slumber parties to impress the other children, while the biggest pussy would attempt to dissuade him from doing this because summoned spirits might wake up his parents. Most times, the first person to try it and not die a horrible death is either congratulated by his friends or told that he did it wrong and must try it again. It is unclear whether one must perform the task in the dark, but the first time anyone tries the Candyman, they try it while the lights are on. Because evil monsters can't get you while the bathroom fluorescents are on.

Sitting Too Close To The Television:
As kids, we had a natural proclivity to sit as close to our cartoons as possible. Unlike today, where we'd rather relax on a comfortable leather sofa several yards away while watching Skinamax. Everyone has been told by their mother that sitting too close to the TV will ruin your eyes. Usually, this was just to get us up from the ground so our mothers could continue sweeping (as they should) while we watched Rugrats for another three hours. Watching television too closly is probably not great for your eyes, but it certainly would not "ruin" them. Even so, I will pass this myth on to my children so they don't sit so close to the TV while I'm watching 3-D porn. Nowadays, our eyes are ruined from smoking too much weed, leaving our contact lenses in for a week straight, and knife fights.

Hand/Face Measurements:
Actually, this was a trick that Joey came up with so he could make you slap yourself and then announce to the other students that, not only are you a retard, but you just hit yourself in the nose. Most of us remember this routine from grade school and there is no one out there who has not been conned into a self-inflicted face slap. For those who are uniformed on the trick, basically you tell an unknowing individual that if their hand is bigger than their face, they are mentally retarded. Backing this up with documentation and statistics is difficult, so they're just have to take your word for it. The victim of the coax will then put their hand over their face, and at this time you slam their hand into their face and then point at them while laughing for several minutes. Try it with your boss.

So, those are a handful of myths that we all were "like, totally positive" were true until we got into middle school and were mocked by older kids when asking for a cooties shot. We should all be glad that most of these myths are totally untrue, otherwise we'd be living in a world where diseases could be contracted by simple contact, summoned souls would be waking up angry parents and people would be walking around inside out. I do, however wish that leprechauns existed so I could steal their gold and produce blinged-out chains for the hip hop community.

Updated 7/18/10

Monday, March 1, 2010


Yeah, I know. I've been lacking. New shit soon, don't worry.

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