Thursday, February 18, 2010

No. 105 "Bro's Evening Not In."

Now I know what you're thinking, "Isn't Bro's Evening Not In the same as guy's night out?" Well idiot, it isn't. Guy's Night Out is the title of a gay porno your dad starred in, and this isn't even remotely close to that. Bro's Evening Not In is where you get all your buddies together and go out to bars, strip clubs and water parks creating havoc, drinking recklessly and attempting to get your friend to cheat on his bitchy girlfriend, and then send her a picture of the deed from a restricted number so they break up. It goes a 'lil something like this...

This is kind of breaking the rules since you all will be drinking and talking about sports and/or boobs at someone's place of residence, which is technically "in." With the exception of the homeowner, you are all following the rules, so don't fret. While pregaming you can play board games, give each other make overs and tell secrets. Just kidding, although board games can be quite fun if enough liquor is involved. Basically, this is where everyone meets up and has a few drinks, or gets plastered. (Depending on how cheap and unwilling to pay for drinks they are.) Take this time to make fun of each other's stupid looking shirts and new haircuts.

The Cab Ride:
Being responsible young adults, it is important to never drive intoxicated. Unless you really need to, or are attempting to get laid by an 8 or up. During the cab ride, you can tell stories that A) Are long winded and everyone has already heard nineteen times. B) Are not funny or interesting. Or, C) Completely made up, like the time you were attacked by ninjas. While in the cab, you can make fun of the ethnicity of your driver using hand signals, or by just being an asshole and saying racist your observations out loud. Saying things such as "If I was a cab driver, I'd kill myself" will be found hilarious by your driver. When you arrive at your destination, remember not to tip your driver as American currency is useless to them.

Grabbing A Bite:
As men, we like to eat and be around our friends, but find it weird and uncomfortable to ask a buddy if they would like to share a meal together. It just sounds gay. That's why phrases were invented to make it seem cooler and much less homosexual. You can suggest something like "Yo, bro wanna chow down at that Chinese buffet place?" Or "Hey douche, lets grab a bite and then play a sport." As a group, it is much easier to eat food together without even having to use these superfluous phrases. Never make reservations and just sit down at the first table you see. Remember to order at least two drinks before you decide on food and to comment on your waitress' ass and/or boobs.

Viewing Athletics:
Many establishments have televisions which broadcast all types of sporting events that men can yell at. Forget eating that BLT you just ordered and are probably going to vomit into an alley in two hours, watch the game. Sporting events are the cornerstone of male bonding and/or fighting. It doesn't matter if its Women's Billiards, if it's on ESPN, guys will watch it. Once a bunch of your friends are rooting for one team, start going for their competitors. This will lead to friendly discussions about both teams qualities and flaws. Or, it could lead to your demise at the hand of a broken beer bottle. Either way, it will make the night more interesting.

Drinking Games:
Most bars do not allow drinking games because they are jealous of suburban house parties and do not want to procure copyright infringement on the variety of games groups of people can play while getting intoxicated. This doesn't mean you can't create your own drinking game amongst your friends. Every time one of your friends with no game gets shut down by a girl you take a shot. Every time a new song comes on you take a shot. And every time you order a shot, you take a shot. Its very simple and will give you the liquid confidence needed to hit on that girl across the bar, even though your friends claim you have no game.

Hitting On Women:
Although this is a bro's evening not in, that doesn't mean a few stumbling sluts can't be invited to join in on the fun. You can find women of all types at bars, but it is recommended to stay away from two types of ladies. The first variety are those out of your league. Stay away from these broads because the chances of you bringing her home are very slim, but your chances of being embarrassed and calling her a "dumb slut" to your friends after rejection are very common. Also, stay away from smart-looking chicks. These women know better than to converse with sloppy idiots like yourself and will try to talk to you about literature. Whatever that is.

Getting Lost:
Undoubtedly one of your friends will get lost along your journey. If its not you, don't worry they will be fine. If it is you that happens to get lost, there are a number of things you can do. In your left hand pocket there is a metal device called a cell phone which can be used to communicate with others who also own these devices. Use your fingers to either dial or text message one of your friends and inquire to where they are located. Yelling at the top of your lungs and plugging one of your ears is the best way to talk on the phone while at a bar. From there you will be able to rejoin your friends and enjoy the rest of your evening. If your cell phone is lost or broken, make sure to yell and punch things and then cry.

Returning Home:
Once your night has concluded due to exhaustion, last call, or being escorted from the bar by the bouncer's fists, you must find a way to get everyone home safely. Walking is a proper choice, and will give everyone more time to talk about how close they were to scoring with "that one chick." You could also try hailing a cab, but there is a chance that it will be the same driver that you offended and told to go back to China even though they were Middle Eastern. This could lead to a lot of yelling in a funny sounding language. The best choice is to get a ride from an officer of the law. They are here to protect and serve, so let them do that. Roughly pad him on the shoulder and recommend that he drive you and your drunk buddies home immediately because you have to urinate very soon. He will surely be happy to help you out and get you home. That is, if your home is a drunk tank.

So, take some time away from the girlfriends and internet porn and have a night out on the town with your BFF's chill bros. When you get older, you will not have as many opportunities to organize these types of nights due to nagging wives and stupid children. Remember to tell racist jokes to your cab driver, play drinking games you invented out of your friends lack of luck with the ladies and to request transportation home from a cop on a horse. And that, my bros, is how you have a Bro's Evening Not In.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

No. 104 "Beer Pong Injuries."

Since I am a registered sex offender nurse, I am extremely informed when it comes to injuries, especially those sustained during drinking athletics. And because beer pong is the most popular sport among drunk idiots like myself, I thought it would be my obligation to share some of my knowledge about how these injuries can happen and how to best treat them. Read carefully, as some of these injuries can keep you sidelined for long periods of time.

Out For 1-4 Games (Cut Finger):

This can happen a variety of different ways. Whether it be by playing with knives in the kitchen while waiting your turn or frantically signing up on the beer pong list and receiving a paper cut on the edge of the list. There are a number of measures to avoid and heal this injury. One way would be to avoid juggling knives or performing any knife-related tricks without proper training. If the cut is shallow, a bandage or skateboarding sticker should hold the wound in place and stop the bleeding so you can carry on with your play.

Out For 3-6 Games (Elbow):

The elbow injury occurs most often after a beer pong victory. When a winning player celebrates a victory, a fist pump is usually in order. More times than not, a player will aggravate their elbow mid-pump on objects around the room that "shouldn't be there in the fucking first place." These include lamps, walls or women texting on their cell phones. To avoid this injury, try not to show so much excitement after beating a bunch of freshmen that totally suck anyways. For those who cannot control their fist pumps, try wearing an elbow pad. (Side effects include: looking like a dork and being taunted.)

Out For 6-9 Games (Getting Laid):

Even though beer pong is the most exciting party sport, it cannot hold up against banging dumb sluts. Many players will even end a lengthy winning streak in order to spit game at tramps who arrive to the arena later in the night. To avoid missing a stretch of games, one can: become ridiculously drunk, not invite women to the event, or be ugly and/or fat. It is possible for some players to return to action after fluids have been exchanged, but is usually due to premature ejaculation.

Out For 1-3 Days (Hangover):

This can happen to even the most veteran of players. A hangover is an injury that has several remedies that can be seen here. This type of injury usually happens after winning too many games, losing too many games, or playing beer pong with non-regulation liquid (wine or liquor.) Some players can push through this and not miss any playing time, although their game takes a hit and multiple losing streaks are quite common.

Out For 2 Weeks (Face):

Your face is needed in order to play beer pong properly. The face includes eyes which see the cups, and ears which listen to sweet jams used to pump up a player when its last cup. The majority of face injuries happen after a game has concluded and one or more players has been trash talking an opposing team. This generally leads to an angry opponent punching a player in the face several times and then recommending that they consider acting more professional during the event in the future. To avoid this injury, simply don't be a raging dick head.

Out For Undetermined Amount of Time (Personal Reasons):

Although this is not an injury, it can lead to some players missing large sums of time for a variety of reasons. Some reasons include: having a girlfriend, finals and Alcoholics Anonymous. It is important for players to be there for their teammates during this tough stretch. Calling their girlfriend a bitch and saying that finals are lame will not bring them back to the field table any sooner. Luckily, most of these cases end up with the player returning to their former glory within just a few weeks.

Out For Season (Feelings):

This is also not an injury per se, but can drastically influence one's reputation as a beer pong athlete. Getting one's feelings hurt is usually connected to the player being a fucking pussy or opponents making up new rules that were not discussed during pregame. The player will usually throw the ball at an opponents face and say things such as "I don't like playing with you because you're a fucking dick." Or they break down, start crying and then run away. The most common occurrence of Out For Season (Feelings) manifests when said player loses to a girl "because they got lucky."

Out For Life (Gun Shot Wounds):

This is another injury "triggered" by angry opponents. Unlike facial injuries, gun shot wounds most often lead to bereavement. Severe antagonizing and being in the wrong motherfucking neighborhood lead to gun-related injuries during games. Although many happen after a game has concluded, some materialized before or even during game play. To elude this grim injury, avoid the following: participating in games with known gang members, playing by "your rules" when not on your home court, and blowing the ball out of the cup like a chick.

And that is how you can diagnose and treat injuries that take place during beer pong games. Remember to wrap knife wounds in stickers, avoid shit-talking to opponents with clenched fists, and to not be such a fucking pussy. Most of these injuries happen to dudes since men are much, much better at beer pong and chicks prefer dancing and complaining during parties rather than totally awesome drinking sports that involve complicated celebratory maneuvers. Beer pong is a dangerous sport, so be careful out there.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010


Good evening Americans. I haven't written a sidebar in a little bit so I thought I'd write one for no reason at all. I've been a little busy as of late. Example: This weekend I pulled off something I haven't done since my prime drinking season of '06-'07, in which I ended up placing second in the drinking MVP next to the homeless man that lived outside of the 7-11 by my old house and used to defecate into empty Slurpee cups. I pulled the 4 day drink-a-thon from Thursday to Sunday. Now that I'm older and past my drinking prime, I usually average 1.92 drinking nights per weekend. Being past your prime and going for four full fledged nights of drinking in a row is akin to Muhammad Ali jumping into the ring with Manny Pacquiao next week. (Bad taste, I know) Anyways, those brutal four nights put a damper on my usual writing routine. It's quite difficult to write while you are passed out underneath a tractor. Just wanted to let you know that I didn't forget about the seven people that read my blog every now and then when they're bored at work. New shit very soon.


Thursday, February 4, 2010

No. 103 "The Cool Teacher."

Most of my friends that have graduated from non-technical colleges have gone into the fun and rewarding job of education. And since a good handful of my friends are teachers, I thought it would be up to me to give them some of my award winning advice on how to be the "cool teacher" around those annoying fuckers they like to call their students. Everyone loves the cool teacher. He or she is the educator that all the students love and talk about by their lockers. Cool teachers are also hated by the lame teachers that complain about how they are not following protocol to other conservative teachers while eating their egg salad sandwiches in the teacher's lounge. But, if you want to be the cool teacher, you have to follow these simple and beneficial guidelines.

Backwards Hat:
Most schools do not allow hats on their campuses because according to many schools' policies; if one is wearing a hat of any kind, they are in a gang and must be armed. Since you have the privilege and power of being a teacher, you can bend these rules without much contention. On your first day of class, come in wearing a sick baseball cap, and remember to wear it backwards. That's how cool people wear it. There are many different styles you could go with. Perhaps a Budweiser cap or one that says Rock Out With Your Cock Out. But if I were you, I'd stick with the trendy red and white Yankees cap that was popularized by music legend Fred Durst.

Sitting in Chair Backwards:
To compliment your dope backwards hat, you'll need to pull up a chair in the middle of the room and then swiftly turn it around and sit on it like you're going reverse cowgirl. (Explain what that means to your students afterwords) This will sustain your cool image and make the students project you as a rebel, like Marty McFly in Back to the Future. Cross your arms around the back of the chair and casually say something to the effect of "What up?" Wearing a leather jacket is recommended, but not essential. Rebel teacher process complete.

Pizza Parties:
Now that you're a rebellious teacher based on your chair sitting habits and head wear, you'll need to start doing things that make your students very excited and happy. And nothing makes kids happier than a mother fucking pizza party. You could get the pizza from the local penitentiary and they'd still go buck wild as long as you threw in a couple two-liters of soda. If one of your students' parents died that day and everyone is being super lame, just say those two magic words and everyone will be jovial and forget about it. Pizza parties are to kids as happy hour is to adults. (There's an analogy you can use on the English quiz after the pizza party.)

Dating Students:
This only works for middle school and up, I'm not trying to get anyone arrested now. Find the hottest girl or guy in your class and give them your cell phone number. This will eventually lead to massive text sessions as teenagers only communicate via text message. Once you start dating the head cheerleader or quarterback, all your other students will look up to you and say things such as "Wow, I can't believe Mr. Williams is going steady with Becky, she's got boobs and shit." Or "Fucking Miss Harris stole my goddamn boyfriend!" Don't keep the relationship ambiguous though, make sure everyone at the school knows.

Everyone remembers the first time they heard their teacher curse. It usually happened after a classmate put tacks under their seat or they let it slip after too many Irish coffees. But it was awesome. Be casual about it, and try to emulate the way your students speak. Try to add curse words into your lecture and when a student acts up call them a dumbass or a faggot. Your students will love it and say things such as "Oh my God! Mr. Jones just said damn! He's a bad ass!" The curse words don't even need to be in a context, you can just yell random expletives from your desk while they're taking a test.

Your Personal Life:
A lot of teachers prefer to keep their personal lives kept secret from their students, but you should do the opposite. Divulge everything worth knowing. On Monday morning, when every student tells the class about their boring ass weekend, go into detail about how much better yours was. Oh, you went to the park with your step dad? That's gay. I got fucked up with a bunch of Filipinos and woke up in Mexico. They will hang on your every word and brag about how cool you are to their parents, who will also enjoy your stories and share them with your principal.

Cancel Shit:
You're supposed to give them an spelling test? Fuck it, test canceled. Let your students rip up the tests and throw them on the ground for the janitors to clean up during recess. Those Bill Nye the Science Guy videos the class was supposed to watch in order to learn about chromosomes? Fuck it, we're watching Jerry Springer. You can even cancel class if you want to. Who's gonna stop you? You're the god damn teacher! 5th period is canceled so everyone can have fifty more minutes of recess to practice their tether ball skills. Your students will love you for this, and they weren't going to learn shit anyways.

Field Trips:
Most teachers take their students on boring and educational field trips to museums, science centers and other places that don't serve alcohol. Change it up and take your class to an R-rated movie or to the water park. Who the hell doesn't love the water park? Make up fake permission slips requesting to take the class to the local snoreseum where they will be learning about Native American culture or something. Then you can forge all their parents' signatures on your new permission slips and take them anywhere you want. Hey class, wanna go to Vegas?

And that is how you become the cool teacher at your school. Remember to hook up with your attractive students, curse as much as you fucking can, and throw pizza parties four days a week. Not only your students, but faculty members, parents and your principal will appreciate your unconventional teaching methods and you could even win a national award for your efforts. You may not have been the coolest kid while you were in school, but you are now known as a bad ass extraordinaire in the eyes of all your students, and that's all that really matters.

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

No. 102 "Nash and Hill Suspended By Team."

Phoenix Suns' players Steve Nash and Grant Hill have been suspended two games each by head coach Alvin Gentry for actions detrimental to the team. According to reports, the two players have been spending an inordinate amount of time helping charities in Phoenix and across the country.

The suspensions were enacted after Hill injured his knee while helping build a home for Habitat For Humanity in South Phoenix over the weekend. Nash was also on location but did not incur any serious injuries, although he did scrape his wrist while attempting to toss a hammer to Hill behind his back.

"Basketball should be their number one concern." Said Coach Gentry "I don't give a fuck about babies or the elderly or diseases or whatever the hell they are wasting their time on. Mother fucking basketball is much more important than all that stupid shit."

Several Suns' officials have noticed that both Hill and Nash have come to practice tired after waking up early and volunteering at a valley soup kitchens. Nash was even late to Thursday's practice because he was reportedly donating blood at a local children's hospital.

Assistant coach Dan Majerle agreed with Gentry and added "Those morons should be spending more time nailing bitches and less time helping out the community. That's what I did when I was playing." Majerle holds the NBA record for most cheerleaders banged in a season at 83. Majerle also recommended that both players should go out drinking with him later and try to score hot ASU chicks.

Both Nash and Hill have made efforts in recruiting teammates to join them in their service to the community, even going as far as pretending to be friends with players Jarron Collins and Robin Lopez after practice. Undeterred by the fact that it is widely known throughout the league that both players are total losers.

It is unknown whether a team rule will be put in place, disallowing players to help the community or groups serving the community. Nash and Hill could not comment on the suspensions, as they were both at a nursing home helping the elderly.

Suns power forward/center Amar'e Stoudemire was also available for comment, however an Ebonics interpreter was unavailable prior to presstime.
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