Friday, July 11, 2014

No. 142: How To Become A Short-Term Soccer Fan

I wonder where the "A" is?
The World Cup is about to have it's finale this weekend, so I thought I would write a post about becoming a fleeting fan of footy soccer. Although the good ol' U. S. of A. has been subjugated by a bunch of waffle eating, Van Damme loving Dutchmen, that does not mean that it is too late. Becoming a fan of a sport for a few weeks is relatively easy as long as you follow these simple steps:

Buy A Bunch of Random Gear:
Jerseys, hats, flags, you name it. In order to become a short-term fan, you must look the part. This can also include painting your face and body your team's national colors. (Especially if you're chick who may have future back problems) You may not be familiar with -- or even know how to pronounce the name of the player whose jersey you are sporting, but fret not; you look like a douche awesome.

Yell and Scream:
Making loud noises around other people will show how big of a devotee you have become. Whether it be at a local pub with a bunch of like-minded soccer fans, or a day-care during nap time. Whenever the ball moves from one side to the other, make sure to grunt, woo, and clap even though you have no idea of the rules or if the game has gone to commercial. Knocking people over and spilling your beer on their lap is also very highly encouraged whenever a goal is scored.

This man has just suffered multiple gun-shot wounds.

Flopping is an imperative component of soccer. How are these players supposed to become telenovela stars after their career if they don't get a little practice in first? This can be exercised in your every day life. Walk around town and fall over whenever someone comes within close contact of you. Hold your ankle and cry bloody murder until they give you something in the form of goods or services. Then hop back up and skip away as if nothing happened.

Use Social Media:
It can be Facebook, Twitter -- fucking if you so wish. Make your new fandom is known! Some people may make note of the fact that you were just recently mocking and maligning said sport; but just ignore their valid baseless commentary or retaliate with an insulting non sequitur to confuse them. By using social media, you can let all of your friends know that you are at a bar before noon drinking on a Tuesday. #anyexcusetodrink.

Soccer Terms:
Start using the new soccer terms you have learned throughout your daily routine. Scream "opportunity!" when you see a new lane open up at the supermarket. Sex without commitment or lasting relationships can be considered a "Friendly," much to your acquaintance's chagrin. Perhaps you could even carry around yellow and red cards to give to those who annoy you. "You're kicking me out of this bar? Red card for you!"

Stop Using Your Hands:
Since you are not allowed to use your hands in this game, you should attempt it with everything else. Try driving in school zones using only your feet. Headbutt important documents to your boss just like David Beckham. Start kicking things for no reason; like the neighbor's stupid cat that won't get out of your damn yard. 

Oh, come on! You're only down by 7.

Cry Like A Bitch:
Once your team is eliminated (which can be confusing, so don't start bawling until you have it confirmed) it is now time to cry, scream and throw yourself on the ground like a spoiled child. To make it known how much you care, try breaking valuables (preferably something that is not yours). Rioting is also an important element in this mourning exercise. Nothing wipes away tears and anguish quite like lighting something on fire and getting pepper sprayed.

Renounce Fandom:
Now that it's all over, you can throw away all your unneeded soccer accessories and go back to enjoying sports that are much more interesting. Pretend that the entire month never happened. When friends come up to you and ask why you beat them with a vuvuzela for not cheering loud enough, play dumb and accuse them of making it up; then beat them again. You have never even heard of soccer.

Well, I hope those tips will help you become a short-term fan of soccer during the World Cup. Oh, shit -- it's almost over? Maybe I should have written this sooner. Oh, well. Maybe you are interested in MLS? No? Ok, fine. See ya in four years, soccer!
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