Thursday, November 26, 2009

No. 87 "Recipe For A Perfect Thanksgiving."

Its that time of the year again. No, not your annual STD check-up, silly, Thanksgiving! The holiday where we forget about the starving kids in Africa and pig out while watching football and drinking beer. Take that skinny African children! Since today is the day of giving, I thought I would share my favorite recipe for a perfect Thanksgiving.

Zero Parts Gross Shit:
I may be in the minority here, but there are too many gross appetizers being passed around during Thanksgiving. Anything you can smother in gravy is fine by me, but there is no need for stuffing. It looks like a mashed up pile of dog shit, and then somehow they fuck it up even more by throwing onions and celery in it. I am definitely not thankful for that bowl of yuck. Also, green beans and carrots - stay the hell away from me, I want nothing to do with you. Now, the dessert tray, that's what I'm all about. I have no problem knocking grandma out of the way to get myself a big 'ol slice of banana cream pie.

1 Parts Yelling:
Get this! Bring That! Take the turkey off your head! It's exhausting. I said before hand that I didn't want to help with Thanksgiving because I enjoy sleeping in and watching Fresh Prince of Bel-Air reruns. Somehow mothers' patience goes off the wall during the holidays. Instead of asking nicely or just doing it their fucking self, they guilt you into helping them by brandishing a kitchen knife under your throat. Fine, I'll help you, just don't slit my throat, ma.

2 Parts Weird Uncle:
Gotta have that strange mother fucker at Thanksgiving. He still sits at the kid's table to be ironic. He tells inappropriate jokes that grandma doesn't appreciate. And he gets a little too drunk and touches a nephew. It's also a little strange that he has to bring his probation officer with him. The weird uncle is vital to a perfect Thanksgiving, and we all know its gonna be you in a few short years.

3 Parts Football:
Three games are on during Turkey Day, so while watching them, make sure to ignore all the women cooking in the kitchen. If they ask for a favor or start screaming because they are on fire just hoot and holler at the game to drown out their screams. Some of your younger cousins or nephews may try to change the channel to some gay ass parade, but quickly smack them and take the remote back. No one gives a fuck about the Snoopy float and it must be known. After he is done crying smack him again for being a little bitch.

4 Parts Disappointment:
Add this when your mother decides that its her turn to cook Thanksgiving dinner, even though we all know she is a terrible cook. This is especially surprising because women are supposed to be naturally good at cooking and cleaning, the two essentials needed for cooking and cleaning Thanksgiving dinner. But, she is very sensitive, so pretend the cold turkey is delicious and rave about her charcoal tasting crescent rolls. Your grandma will be most pleased because she knows she'll be getting her starting job back as Thanksgiving cook next year. Expect belittling comments and passive aggressive responses as you enjoy your soggy mashed potatoes.

5 Parts Guilt:
While stuffing your face with gravy soaked food, take a look around your table and see if there are any Native Americans around you. Unless you have Thanksgiving at Gila River Casino there are probably none. They gave us companionship and Indian Fry Bread (heart disease) and all we ever gave them was smallpox. (smallpox) Celebrate the people your racist, disease carrying ancestors had the first Thanksgiving with by losing your first born child's college fund at the local casino after dinner.

6 Parts Awkward:
Awkwardness is essential to a fun and memorable Thanksgiving. Instead of bringing your current Caucasian girlfriend, dump her ass and bring a black prostitute off the street. Bring out the racist side of your grandma. She'll see your new "girlfriend" and pretend to be nice while she locks up everyone's purses in the other room "just to get them out of the way." It can also be a blast to pick a fight between relatives. Bring up a political issue while passing the gravy and watch what happens. It's like lighting fireworks, just crack the match and sit back and enjoy. No one will ever forget that one time grandpa knocked out your uncle over a health care debate.

7 Parts People You Hate:
This is basically everyone in your family. Maybe that's a bit harsh, some of them are alright, but that's just your immediate family. There really is no need for cousins and uncles and great grandpas. I hear the old folk's home has a great Thanksgiving TV dinner that your 102 year old great grandpa will just love! (Plus he's old as fuck and his taste buds probably don't work.) If you have the home base for Thanksgiving this year, make it a VIP event. Hire a bouncer and buy a velvet rope. When your stupid ass cousins try to get into your home they will be notified they are not on the list and be sent on their way, hungry and embarrassed. Also, you can put cool celebrities on your guest list. Hell, they might even show up randomly. Who wouldn't love seeing Carlton from Fresh Prince at their house chowing down on some turkey?

So there is my recipe for a perfect Thanksgiving. It has a lot of ingredients, but each is equally as important. Without football, there would be nothing to watch while the women slave over the ovens. Without weird uncles, no one would tell an off color joke to anger your grandma. And without a badass guest list, Carlton would not be sitting next to you saying grace in a bow tie.

Monday, November 23, 2009

No. 86 "How To Act Like A Grown Up."

Acting like an adult is just that, acting. You don't actually have to be mature or carry a job that involves something other than fast food. Once you start getting older, it is expected of one to hold themselves in a certain regard. Unfortunately, this manner rarely, if even, involves getting drunk on a Tuesday afternoon because you have to "finish the keg before it goes bad." One must fit in with actual adults that look down on those who still enjoy breaking into hotel swimming pools and pissing off balconies. To act like a grown up you just have to follow a few simple rules that I will walk you through.

Drink Wine:
Drinking more booze? Sounds like a great idea! Well, unfortunately it's not as tubular rad as it sounds. Instead of chugging cans of cheap beer and making whiskey cokes with five parts whiskey and one part coke, you will have to drink (and learn how to pronounce) different wines in moderation. That's right. Two glasses is the norm for most social functions, and if you're gonna get really crazy you can split a bottle of wine with your wife "Wait, wife?" (We'll get there.) Wine is classy. You don't hear drunken vicenarians* talking about the age or region of their beer. They just drink it, smash it on their head and repeat. Oh, and wine tastes like shit so you better get used to it.

"How immature!," "That just makes me sad," "Let's get out of this neighborhood, there's too many minorities." These are just a few statements that you will need to recite in order to become a full fledged adult. As a young adult, judgment is rare. We don't care if someone is different, we'll just make fun of them incessantly. If someone is making poor life decisions, we laugh and high five them. Not when you're a grown up. You must look down on these people that choose to "have fun," "stay out late," and "work at McDonald's." So look down your nose at those that use theirs to consume drugs while in Vegas. It will help you forget all the fun times you had only a few short years ago, and remember that Frasier is on in fifteen minutes.

No more "suck," "cock," or "cum dumpster." Using Latin phrases really impresses the masses. Latin is the smart person's second language, unlike Spanish and God forbid French. It's like being bilingual without having to work at Taco Bell. To garner a wide vocabulary, one must go to college and actually study. If its too late for that, just get a Word of the Day Calender. These are perfect, and each day you get to challenge yourself. It will be a funky adventure trying to slyly use the word referendum in a conversation. So go out there and sapere aude all over the fucking place.

I know what you're thinking. Reading sucks. But you're doing it right now, (well, sort of) so it shouldn't be too hard to do with actual books. Adults like to have these things called "book cases" in their homes to show off their collection of square objects with text. It's kind of like a DVD collection, except not cool. To act like an adult you will also have to actually read. Coloring books do not count unfortunately, but you can still use them in your free time because they're super awesome. Adults will often join book clubs where they talk about the book's themes and characters and other very, very boring things that do not involve jet skis.

New Friends:
Johnny D, Olly and Moose must go by the wayside. Actually, any of your friends with nick names are people that you must abandon once you become a grown up. Once you rid yourself of your actual friends you enjoy being around, you must find a new group of friends, preferably ones that wear collared shirts underneath cashmere sweaters and names like W. Seymore Finch. Find yourself a clique of sophisticated professionals who go to coffee shops and put up signs next to their laptops that say "Working. Please Do Not Disturb." These new friends of yours may not be funny, loyal or even interesting, but they will make you feel like an adult by constantly yelling at servers for their lack of Southern French wine knowledge.

A Healthy Diet:
No, that doesn't mean ordering chicken instead of beef in your burrito at 4 AM. It means buying soy this, and low-fat that. You're getting older and your metabolism that you abused throughout college is about to get its revenge on your chest in the form of man-boobs. The first thing you must do without is cheese. Back in the day you would put cheese on everything. Chips. Burgers. Ramen noodles. Not anymore. Now, the only time you can consume cheese is at a fondue party.** Remember those nasty green things your bitch mother used to force feed you? They're back. Vegetables. You have to eat them because they're good for you and spitting them into napkins is not what grown ups do.

You have to wear suits everywhere. To work, to family functions, to Hot Dog Eating Contests. Whenever I see a dude in a suit I know he means business. Suits insinuate power and respect. Your beer pong semifinalist t-shirt from 2004 does not. (Just kidding, that's awesome, dude!) Work places often times require a dress code that you must abide by. Adding accessories to the your work wear is not recommended. So no sombreros, glow stick necklaces or chains for your wallet. When out with friends***, you can dress more casual with a sweet cardigan, turtleneck, or polo. Remember all the clothes your grandma gave you that you never wear? Well, now you have a reason to dust them off and wear them while visiting wine country!

A Wife And Kids:
Ugh. I know.

Here is a short list of other changes you will need to make in order to act like a grown up.
-Proper bed time.
-Cleaning your home more than once a month.
-Insisting on paying for the check at a restaurant while with friends.
-Working more than 15 hours a week.
-Male Pattern Baldness.
-Self control.
-Having the skills to actually fix things.
-Doing your taxes.

Now you are ready to jump into the real world and act like an actual grown up. Your life will involve less drunken sluts and late-night burrito runs and more cleaning and scrap booking. Take down your Bob Marley posters and paint your walls with paint that has descriptive names. You had fun over the last few years, but now it's time to take off that ironic t-shirt and put on a man-suit. Don't fret though, you can still have fun at a wine tasting or enjoy new types of cheese at a fondue party. Actually, just kill yourself.

*Sweet new word I learned that means people between 20-29. Use it to impress grandma!
**It's not worth it though, no nacho cheese.
***AKA your wife's friends.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

No. 85 "A Loser Throws A Party."

12:12 PM: Alright, throwing a party. Seems like the parties I've been going to lately have totally sucked. I keep getting kicked out within the first thirty minutes for "not being fucking invited."

12:37 PM: Just invited all 43 of my Facebook friends, 38 of my Myspace friends and 561 of my friends. This party is gonna be off the chain!

1:02 PM: Getting decorations for the party. Haven't decided on a theme so I just bought a bunch of random stuff. Kinda expensive, but it'll be worth it.

1:49 PM: Finished putting up the decorations. I guess it'll be a St. Paddy's/Cinco De Mayo/Birthday/Baby Shower themed party.

2:23 PM: Making some sweet mix CD's. Adding some N*SYNC and 98 Degrees (for the ladies.)

2:54 PM: Buying some condoms. Hopefully tonight's the night I get that monkey off my back.

2:56 PM: I should get a tooth brush, too. In case she spends the night. Oh, and Love Actually is on sale. I can see a late night movie sesh going on after the party.

4:22 PM: Just picked up the keg. Wow, these are really heavy. I wish the guy at the liquor store helped me load it into my car instead of laughing at me and talking to his friend in Spanish.

5:29 PM: Cleaning the house. Don't want people feeling uncomfortable because my place is unkempt.

5:48 PM: Just told my neighbors about the party. They said they'd come once hell freezes over, then proceeded to throw rocks at my car. They're kind of jerks.

6:03 PM: Better put on my acne medicine so I don't break out.

6:29 PM: All done putting on my acne medication. Watch out ladies! Gonna take a nap and then get ready for this par-tay!

8:22 PM: Just woke up, gotta put the finishing touches on my awesome party.

8:24 PM: Got a really awesome shirt that says: "This Is My Party Shirt." People are going to think it's great.

9:03 PM: Got the alcohol, the decorations, the sweet tunes... now I just need some people to come over.

9:28 PM: Waiting outside to greet my guests.

9:34 PM: Waived down a car that I thought was coming to my party. They weren't very happy, called me a fag, then sped off.

9:39 PM: Still waiting.

9:48 PM: The first guests have arrived.

9:49 PM: The first guests have left.

10:04 PM: Apparently my neighbors are having some sort of a party next door. Maybe that's why no one has come to mine yet. Saving the best for last. Oh yeah!

10:19 PM: Just finished my second Zima. Party time!

10:32 PM: The cops came to break up the other party, that means they pretty much have to go to mine.

10:39 PM: And the party has started! Wow that's a lot of people coming into my house. I hope they read the "Please Remove Your Shoes" amendment in my House Rules posted to the left of the front door.

10:41 PM: My floors are covered in mud. Its not even wet out, how did this happen?

10:47 PM: Well, I guess no one likes my taste in music since all my sweet mix CD's are on the ground.

10:56 PM: Meeting some really cool people. I haven't actually talked to anyone yet, but I'm standing in their circle and I'm sure I'll get a chance to talk eventually.

11:09 PM: I guess not.

11:13 PM: These really hot girls came in, looked around and started to leave. I stopped them and gave them a proper greeting, (like a good host should) they said they would be right back. It just took a little convincing.

11:20 PM: People are doing keg stands. I'm gonna give it a try.

11:22 PM: Kinda wish someone would have helped me out. I thought it was supposed to be a team building exercise. My head really hurts.

11:34 PM: A bunch of black guys just showed up. Now you know my party is legit.

11:43 PM: The black guys left. Has anyone seen my laptop?

11:48 PM: Gonna play some beer pong and make some friends.

11:49 PM: Someone crossed out my name and wrote "homo." They must have thought I was someone else. It's all good, I'll just wait.

11:55 PM: I should have gotten plastic cups since everyone seems to be breaking my glass cups.

12:03 AM: These really chill dudes told me there was a hot chick in the bathroom waiting for me. Oh yeah baby, time to lose the V-card!

12:33 AM: There was no hot girl. Those guys just locked me in the bathroom for thirty minutes, those jokers! My V-card is still intact.

12:40 AM: My new friend Chris said he was getting some food from Taco Bell. I only had a 100 dollar bill so I gave it to him. He seemed really happy about it.

12:49 AM: Some dude just tried to kick me out of my own house for "being weird."

12:56 AM: There seems to be some sort of baby powder on my kitchen sink. Oh, some one left a rolled up dollar bill. I'm rich, beotch!

1:03 AM: Getting kinda hungry. I wonder what's taking Chris so long. I really need that change for rent next week.

1:08 AM: Just high-fived some dude. It was awesome!

1:17 AM: A couple of guys borrowed the keg, even though its still full. Its all good, they said they're coming back with even better beer.

1:25 AM: A girl just spilled her drink on my cool shirt and I guess she didn't notice it. I better change before anyone else makes fun of me.

1:27 AM: Someone is having sex in my bed. When I notified him that it was in fact my room he promptly slammed the door in my face. I guess we'll chat later.

1:32 AM: Has anyone seen Chris? I could really go for some T-Bell right about now.

1:39 AM: Playing this new drinking game where every time you chug a beer you get punched in the stomach. My spleen kinda hurts and I haven't even started playing yet.

1:43 AM: Fuck! My face! I thought we were playing "just the stomach?" I'm totally done with this game after next round.

1:56 AM: Oh shit! It's Becky, the girl I have a crush on from English class. Hopefully I can gain enough courage to actually talk to her without bailing out at the last second and pretending to text on my phone.

1:59 AM: I'm gonna give her that poem about her I've been working on all semester.

2:01 AM: Here we go...

2:03 AM: I guess she is not a fan of my art, but she didn't have to rip it up into a million pieces.

2:04 AM: Ugh, now she's having sex with some dude on my couch.

2:11 AM: Chris is finally back with the food. But he forgot my order and only gave me 32 cents change. Why does he have a bag of baby powder too?

2:22 AM: Someone just shot a hole through my wall. I was very clear about the "No Handguns" policy in my House Rules. If you bring one or fire one, you have to leave the party. I'm going to escort him out.

2:24 AM: I guess it was a shotgun, so he got me on a technicality.

2:35 AM: Uh oh, the cops are here. They aren't handing out tickets though, so everyone can casually walk out the front door.

2:36 AM: Or.. everyone could break my back windows to get out. Dammit.

2:38 AM: Talking to the cops.

2:40 AM: They just found three pounds of cocaine, five unregistered guns and a dead sorority girl in my bedroom. I tried to tell them that it wasn't me, but they didn't listen and just started beating me with clubs even though I was already in hand cuffs.

2:44 AM: Hopefully I don't lose my V-card in prison.

Updated 8/8/10

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

No. 84 "Grey Flannel."

So the other day I was about to leave the house when I realized I smelled a little bit. I had showered and all but I thought I could use a little something extra. I don't wear cologne anymore because I'm not a prepubescent boy and/or douche-nugget. I saw some Axe in my brother's bathroom but refused to use it because I was afraid an Ed Harty T-shirt and a tribal tattoo would magically appear on my body. I eventually found some Grey Flannel cologne by Geoffrey Beene in my dad's drawer. I sprayed two pumps (biggest mistake of my life) and was on my way.

At first I didn't really notice the smell. A little musky, but not too bad. By the ten minute mark though, I couldn't stand it. I smelled like I was coming from a creepy grandpa convention. I just reminded me of wrinkly balls. I was more than fifteen miles from my house so I couldn't go back. I tried to figure out a way to remedy this problem of mine. I'd rather smell like a used tampon than this disgusting Grey Flannel bullshit.

Luckily I had an extra shirt in my car so I changed into that. Somehow the smell became stronger, as if it gained power the more I struggled to evade from the horrid scent. I almost wanted to shit my pants so I didn't have to smell the cologne anymore. I'm pretty sure if I wore this cologne everyday I would never have intercourse again and make a lot of friends in their late-70's.

Eventually I got home, but the smell was still very pungent. I decided a shower would rinse away the horribleness that is Grey Flannel. I wasn't gonna fuck around though. Lava soap and a metal sponge should do. After an hour in the shower stripping off layers of my skin the smell was finally gone. My nose had never smelled fresher air. I had escaped the smell tyranny of The Flannel.

I found the bottle that had ruined my afternoon and took it outside with a lighter and a bucket. After covering the bottle of cologne in lighter fluid I lit it on fire and laughed maniacally as it burned to its death. Unfortunately the smell of burning Grey Flannel was much worse than the cologne itself and I passed out due to the smoke.

Next time, Geoffrey Beene, next time.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

No. 83 "Benign Minutia: Porn Edition."

I started writing a new version of my random thoughts that I call benign minutia the other day when I realized they were mostly about porn. (I was whacking off at the time, so that might have been why.) So, this week is devoted to my random thoughts on porn. Read, and remember to wash your hands.

-There is this porn star named Alysin Chaynes. What a clever fucking porn name. I like this chick, I might even delicately place rose pedals by my computer before I whack off to her.

-Excuse me, porn industry: don't try to trick me into thinking a video is an amateur video when it features a porn star that has over 200 videos in her repository. I may have my dick in my hand, but don't treat me like I do.

-You can not play a high school cheer leader if you are 32 years old. 25 is pushing it, and I realize that none of these girls went to my high school and if they did they still wouldn't fuck me, even if they were paid to. But, some showmanship, please.

-Its not funny when you make me click on a video of Jessica Alba doing it with some dude only to lead me to another site that gives me a virus (and an STD.) I can only come up with so many excuses as to why the Best Buy guy need to come over every other week to fix my computer.

-There should be a filter of shit I don't like so I don't have to scroll through endless pages of un-jackable material. This list would include: 99% of Asians, all fat chicks, gay porn and any competition that involves how many penises an unlucky female can fit inside of her vagina simultaneously. Not for me. I'm not even getting into the weird poo and pee stuff cause people that like that should just get locked up.

-Is there no reviewing process for chicks with disfigured boob jobs? There are some straight up gross looking fake racks out there, sideways boobs, multiple scars, too many nipples. They look like they're straight out of Tijuana.

-There should be a cut-off age for some of these "performers." Yes, I get it. You were huge in the 80's, but it's time to retire and raise a family or die of syphilis.

-Close ups of the dudes cumming while they're banging a chick are NEVER necessary and every straight male looks away during those parts. I don't want to see that expression unless it's of me and there is a mirror near by. Stop doing it, it freaks us all out.

-Whats with these marathon sessions of guys eating out chicks? Why would any guy want to watch someone else do an activity he doesn't like participating in? Its like watching a video of a dude doing yard work.

-And finally, porn is not realistic at all. I can't just get my grade raised in history class for performing cunnilingus on my professor, girls don't just offer to pay for a pizza with their pussy and no woman loves a money load shot on their face. Believe me, I've done studies.

Monday, November 9, 2009

No. 82 "Being "ON."

What does it mean to be "ON"? Well, if you have to ask, you are probably very rarely "On". I'll be nice though and let you in on the awesomeness that is "On". Being On is when you are around a group of friends, girls or dancing midgets and are the center of attention and the quickest person within three city blocks. Being On includes quick one-liners, sweet anecdotes and mesmerizing witticisms. William Joel put it best when he referenced his buddy, John, at the bar who was quick with a joke or to light up your smoke.

Now, being On isn't something you can just learn and become great at. It's innate, like the way Lebron James slams a basketball or Brianna Banks sucks a dick. Don't fret, though. There are ways to improve upon your On-ness1. The first thing you must do is undergo a master cleanse of your lame, inept and otherwise worthless stories and jokes. Chuck Norris jokes? OUT. Observations about history or art? OUT. Oh, and any stories involving you stupid cat are most definitely out. To be On, one must get rid of the useless crap that bores and annoys people.

Once you finish the master cleanse, you must watch other Professional On-er2 in action. These will be your funny and quick-witted friends who have already mastered the art of the On. Basically the dudes you look up to in a totally non-gay way. You will be Red Shirting3 during these nights out, so don't butt into your sensei's stories and remember to always take notes. While taking notes it is crucial to pay close attention to how a Professional On-er ensnares the attention of the group. Rarely will they flail their hands in the air and call for attention in an aggressive manner, so never do that you monkey.

There are other ways to improve one's On-ness apart from the master cleanse and red shirting. Try alcohol. It will loosen you up and give you an undeserved sense of confidence usually reserved for people with actual social skills. Knock back four or five cold ones and then join into a conversation and test out your newly (but artificially) created On-ness. Start slow with an observation about what someone just said, also called an Add-On4. These are very simple for new-comers and don't require too much practice or skill. This way you can ease your way into a conversation of your own, an anecdote or even a clever joke. Do not attempt a Ball-Buster5 though, as you might come head to head with a Professional On-er who will make you look like a fool through verbal sparring and Heckle Proofing6. Once this happens, there is no going back from there. You might as well pay your check and leave. It is also important to note that the amount of alcohol consumed can affect your On-ness quite a bit. We want to stay between three and six alcohol beverages. If you only have a beer or two your buzz will not kick in and your undeserved sense of confidence will not come to fruition. On the flip-side if you drink more than eight drinks you will just be slurring your words and puke on that one girl that thought you were funny three drinks earlier.

Another way to improve your On-ness is to use One-Liners7 and cultural references. Sometimes these are difficult to master if you are using them around the lady-folk since girls rarely get a lot of references due to their time spent shopping. While at the local speakeasy, use movie and television references that are popular. I know the phrase "That's what she said" is a bit played out, but in certain circumstances it MUST be said (e.g., "I can't believe I fit all of that in my mouth.") While someone else has the floor, add these in to get a quick laugh or fist bump from surrounding members of your group. Please remember to stay away from any references that involve you living with your parents, Japanese animation or your large collection of porn.

Now you're at the making chicks laugh stage. A very important stage if you are looking to get laid based on your keen On-ness. (and, let's face it, we all know you're not getting laid based on your looks). We want to start off easy with the lady folk because they can get turned off quite easily. Things like making fun of them too early, telling a story that offends them or telling them about your hatred for puppies. Once you gain control of the group, tell a Latch-On Story8 after another friend concludes a story, but DO NOT be a One-Upper9. One-uppers will get called out and embarrassed before they can even get into their story. The use of sarcasm and taking shots at weird/creepy people around your location are easy, but also effective when attempting to garner a giggle from a female.

Once you have owned the conversation and believe fully that you can move on to the next level, start using the Chick-Quip10. The chick-quip is a useful tool to flirt and make fun of a girl without seeming like a douche-tard. Be careful with these, they are like the mangoes of the social interaction scene. There are some really good ones and then there's some that are absolute shit. Chick-quips carry the possibility of provoking a female to violently introduce your face to a nice glass of Merlot and that's not something you want. You just bought that sweet new cardigan.

Once you have accomplished the following steps you are ready for the Verbal-Spar11 and the ball-bust. I must warn you though: use these with caution. Definitely start with some of your slow and/or retarded buddies before you spar against a pro that is both quicker than you and has much cooler hair. All friends give each other shit while hanging out and drinking. It's just part of our nature. Girls talk shit behind each other's backs and fuck their BFF's boyfriends. Men use the ball-bust. Some easy ways to start off ball-busting is to make fun of what they are wearing. For this example, let's say a new jacket. As they are walking around with a new found sense of awesomeness and have their chest puffed out, take a shot at how their jacket looks like it should be on the set from Miami Vice. Simple, yet effective. That person just died a little inside. There are some friends you do not want to get into a verbal spar with, though. These are your friends that get offended easily and have the power to beat you into a pulp. No matter how clever and cunning you may be, it is no match for a fist. Try to verbal spar your friends that you could probably take in a fight if you really needed to. Once you rise as the champion of a verbal-sparring match, applause and high fives are customary from witnesses and bar backs.

No one can be On all the time though. For me, personally, it is nearly impossible to be On on Sundays after a weekend of heavy drinking. My head hurts, I feel like shit, I'm tired from burying the prostitute and I do not have the patience or power to be On due to these unforeseen circumstances. Just lay back and rest while others attempt and fail at being On, or allow those losers that don't drink to have their day in the sun. (No girl hooks up with a dude she just met on a Sunday anyways.) One must save their On-ness for the weekend. You can be on during class and at work, but it isn't the right atmosphere for being totally bad ass. Bosses and teachers tend to scold you if you keep interrupting other's work with your multiple Family Guy references.

So there you go, noobs, novices and neophytes. I hope that this little blog will help you become the hit of your next party, bar venture or box social. Don't be that jackass that tells lame jokes or the asshole that pushes it too far and gets his ass kicked. Play in the middle and you will soon become that friend that everyone looks up to in a totally non-gay way. I know that chicks always go for the brooding bad boy that never says anything the whole night in movies and television, but this is real life folks. Plus we all know that chicks wanted Seth more than that midget Ryan. (Yes, that was a reference to The OC.)
1 To be on. Basically being the funniest/most clever person in the area.

2 Those that have mastered the art of the On. They are very rarely Off and are always invited to awesome parties based on their On-Ness.

3 When you are the protégé to a Professional On-er. Do not speak when in their presence. Observe. Take better notes than you ever did in college.

4 To add a joke/sarcastic comment to a story already in progress. Must be quick and tame. Like a ninja hamster.

5 One who busts another's balls in a non-literal sense. See also: Giving people shit.

6 Being able to rebut another's ball busting advances with quick counter busting and jokes made about the other's lack of female attention or deceased father.

7 Much like the add on, but usually more formulaic.

8 Using another's story as a means to tell a story or anecdote of your own. Some people call that a "segway", but I don't see how those retarded scooters have anything to do with telling stories.

9 Being a giant douche with a small penis.

10 Making fun of an attractive member of the opposite sex using humor, flirting and sarcasm.

11 Going head-to-head with another Professional On-er. Usually a crowd gathers mid-spar.

Edited by Rafael Casillas

Thursday, November 5, 2009

No. 81 "Ways To Tell You Live In A Shitty Neighborhood."

-The most popular spoken language is not English, even though you live in the United States.

-None of your basketball hoops have nets, and if they do, they're made out of chain.

-Unfinished or unfilled-in tattoos are quite common. But its alright, only four more payments before that naked lady tattoo is complete!

-The three luxury automobiles parked in the drive way are worth more than the house.

-Denny's is considered a nice restaurant.

-Every house has a No Trespassing or Beware of Dog sign.

-Bars around windows are quite common, and anyone that doesn't have them are laughed at and later broken into.

-The most popular sport in the area is soccer.

-You have to speak to your local convenience store guy through three inches of bullet-proof Plexiglas.

-Most houses have at least two different shopping carts in their yard from stores more than five miles away.

-There are more Whataburgers than McDonalds.

-Nobody wants to go to your mall because its the "ghetto one."

-Almost everything is chained down, even newspaper machines. Who steals that, seriously?

-"Shooting shit" is popular activity among residents, and considered by many a sport.

-People from other neighborhoods often ask you to "go back to your shanty."

-The State Fair is the biggest event of the year.

-There are more Pay-Day Loan places than banks.

-Duct tape is pretty much a part of every automobile.

-Your high school has a Day Care.

-Your middle school has a Day Care.

-Crack is your biggest export.

-All your doctors got their degrees from community colleges.

-There are more gun shops than libraries.

-NASCAR is the most popular sport.

-Your internet is in black and white.

Monday, November 2, 2009

No. 80 "How To Spot A Slut."

Ah, sluts. If it weren't for these self-esteem lacking young ladies, college wouldn't be as fun and porn scenarios would just be a plumper fixing the sink and leaving while the busty woman sat and watched TV. Boring! Thank God for sluts. But therein lies the problem. How do you tell if a girl is a slut and not A) An attention whore who just enjoys making out a lot and pushing your hands away from her boobs. Or B) A nice girl with morals. Well, I am here to help you gentlemen. (Sorry ladies, you already know how to spot a slut by looking in the mirror.*) And we're off...

Well, if she is wearing a long-sleeved muted color shirt and a skirt that goes down past her ankles, she probably will not be blowing you in a port-o-potty anytime soon. Sluts generally wear tight fitting clothing to show off their store-bought boobies and size 0 waist that they spent all summer purging for working out to attain. Writing on the back side of shorts is also a way to spot a slut. It doesn't matter if it says Juicy or a bible verse. They are in fact a slut. Showing of cleavage, thongs, and fallopian tubes is also a strong sign of sluttyness. And the quickest way to figure out if this lovely lady is a tramp is to ask her to flash you while surrounded by a large party. Top off, party on.

Hates Her Dad:
"Heartless bastard," "fucking asshole," and "prick" are a good start. If a girl has a deplorable relationship with her father she most definitely wants to get back at him by acting like a drunk slut. Or even a sober slut, if alcohol is not available. She will most likely say that she is nothing like him and talk about how much of a bitch her step mom is**. That's where you come in. Ask what her old man hated the most, and then slyly let her know that you love that. So if her pops hated long hair and heavy metal, start dressing up like Slash. Next thing you know you'll be banging her with a top hat on. Rock n' Roll! This also works with the opposite. Many lady folk who hate their dads end up dating, but more importantly boning, guys just like him. Either route you take will be successful.

Tongue Ring:
Remember when those were cool? Me neither. Apparently there are still some chicks out there that think its cool and sexy. Since tongue rings are no longer popular, it is important to pounce on a chick that still has one. She's basically saying "I know its not 1998 anymore, but I really want guys to know I have absolutely no problem slobbering all over their disco stick." I learned in a class I took a number of years ago, in a location I cannot recall that people that like to have things in their mouth, or chew on things (ouch!) have an oral fixation. Put two and two together and you (and by you, I mean your penis) could be her new oral fixation. High five! No? Low five? Yeah!

Black Hair Underneath Blonde Hair:
Nothing says, "I probably have multiple STDs and/or criminal convictions" quite like that trashy hair style. I'm not sure why these women think this look is attractive, but it makes them more noticeable from afar. Females will these types of hairstyles are prone to cat fights, calling other girls who did nothing wrong "bitches," and raiding your liquor cabinet. This hair style is usually combined with clown-like make up and raccoon eyes. You must watch out, though. Some locations such as Riverside, CA and Glendale, AZ can occupy up to 70% of the female population with this hair style. Oh, wait... they're all sluts. Winner winner, pussy dinner.

Tramp Stamp:
This is most common among sexual enthusiasts. For some reason, it is "cool" in certain slut communities to have a tattoo above your asshole that they cannot be see unless two mirrors are angled just righ. Luckily for the dude folk, this is one of the easiest ways to pick out a slut from a well-adjusted individual with self confidence. There are many different tramp stamps. You have the Chinese Word That Means An Adjective Tattoo, the Butterfly/Heart/Tribal Tattoo, and of course the tattoo that just says Tramp***. Many of these women will tell you the long-winded story behind the tattoo. Take this time to stare at her boobs.

Its All In The Name:
Did you know that when parents name their children a specific name or spell it a certain way, God punishes them for the misspelling and makes their daughter a raging hoe-bag? Well it is definitely true. Just think about it. How many Bobbis do you know that work for non-profit organizations? How many nuns do you know named Nikki? Maybe three. And those girls with slutty and misspelled names such as Aeryn or Jaquelynn are not only slutty, but also really, really dumb. Although, if you name your daughter Bertha or Louise you will not have to worry about her being a slut since she will be too fat for anyone to fuck.

Other ways to Spot-A-Slut:
-Lip liner (she's probably into butt sex too since her lips look like an anus.)
-She has been in two or more hip hop music videos.
-Hates cuddling.
-Is a pornographic actress.
-Twenty-five earrings in one fucking ear.
-She's your ex-girlfriend. (Fucking bitch)
-She's black. (I'm talking about her heart, not her skin color. Calm down.)

So there we go fellas. Now you know eight ways to figure out if a woman is a slut, and how to stay away from those kindhearted, genuine and intelligent ladies that make you actually get to know them prior to fornication. I hope these tips help you in your future endeavors, and remember to always wear a condom when dealing with these species. But if you don't have one or really hate them, its all good -- just pull out.

*I'm gonna pay for that one.
**Try not to fall asleep while she's yammering.
***These women are usually very uncreative and are just trying to get to the point.
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