Wednesday, October 18, 2006

No. 24 "Coming Back Home."

OK, it's your first time back home from college and you wanna show people how different you are after two months. You wanna show your friends that didn't go to college how big of losers they are, and you wanna bang some high-schoolers that may or may not be 18 yet. Your life is like an etch-a-sketch, just shake it after high school and you've got a whole new, cooler life. Here's what you do:

Grow some facial hair:
Nothing says "I'm an adult now" like a chin-strap or a goatee. Your not ready for mustaches yet, but wait a couple years. High school girls love guys with facial hair. Have you ever seen Laguna Beach? That Jason guy banged all those hoes because he looked like he was 28. Shaving sucks anyways, and it'll cover up your acne.

Wear your school's clothes:
Fuck those letterman jackets all those jocks wear in high school. Nothing beats a college hoody. Girls will know you're an older guy and your friends will be impressed at how lightweight it is. Just take your car... um never mind, borrow your dad's Jetta and go to the high school parking lot, wait outside and lean on your car as if you were in an 80's movie and sport your school's clothing. Girls will flock to you, but play it cool. C'mon now, you're in college, you're cooler than everyone in high school, even the teachers.

Going Out:
Curfew? Yeah right! You can stay out as late as you want... well unless your mom doesn't want you to, but you can sneak out once she goes to bed. "Oh your boyfriend can only stay out 'til midnight? Well I can stay out as late as I want. Yeah... I'm that cool."

So your college experience hasn't been as crazy as you thought? Who cares, just make up some stories. Instead of 40 people being at that one party, there was 400, and Jenna Jameson was there too... and you fucked her... in the ass. If you can't come up with any material just watch American Pie 2. That should get some ideas brewing and you'll impress that hot cheerleader that you never talked to in high school.

New Friends:
Remember, your college friends are way cooler than your high school friends. They're from California, and California has a beach and shit which makes it way totally cool. Your new friends are crazy and go on top of roofs and shit. Make your old friends feel like losers.

Different Lingo:
"Bro," "Chill," "Right On." These are all phrases that you can use to be different and college-like. Use them at the dinner table and your mom will think you're the coolest kid in the world and your grandma will be confused and have a stroke.

College Poon-Tang:
So what if you haven't gotten laid yet in college... or ever. No one needs to know that. That hand job you got from that drunk fat chick now is a three some with a bunch of hot sorority girls. When you made out with that girl you're not sure is old enough to drive, just say the freshmen are super hot and you've banged most of them. Impress your loser non-college friends with made up stories of sexual craziness.

Dress Different:
You're in college now, you're sophisticated and suave. (Actually you're an alcoholic that only eats fast food and never makes it to class.) You have to dress different. Good bye shorts and band t-shirts. Hello button down collar shirts and slacks. You will impress all those high school girls and your recovering grandma will have another stroke and die because you look so good.

So good luck all, I hope these tips help you have sexual intercourse with under-age girls, isolate your old friends, and make your grandma die. Hope you made it into her will. Hello Beer Money!

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

No. 23 "What We Really Mean."

We all know that women say things that really mean other things such as "fine" meaning "I'm not fine and if you piss me off I may castrate you." And "its nice" meaning "it sucks." But men do the same thing, so this is for all girls that want a look into the average man's amazing brain, here you go.

"You should come over tonight."
-I would like to have sexual intercourse with you.

"Bring some friends"
-My friends have no game and rely on me to get them laid... or in most cases a bad hand job by your loose friend.

"You look hot."
-I would like to have sexual intercourse with you.

"I can't hang out tonight."
-I'm hanging out with another girl, and I don't think she's into threesomes.

"I've got to work in the morning"
-I hate cuddling and all guys do. I don't even have a job and plan to sleep in until 2 tomorrow.

"Um..." (In response to the question: does this make me look fat?)
-Yes, lose some weight immediately.

"I beat these three guys up and then fifteen cops came and chased after me and I got away."
-I punched a 15 year old kid, got chased by the security guard and now I am banned from the mall.

"I won't get it in your hair."
-I will, and I'll tell all my friends.

"Nice dress."
-I would like to have sexual intercourse with you.

"I would never lie to you."
-I lie to you all the time, and I'm lying to you right now.

"You girls should make out"
-You girls should make out and get naked.

"Your friend Stacy is pretty hot."

"Oh, that's interesting."
-No that is not interesting and you need to get the hell out of my way, I'm watching football.

"Uh huh," "Yeah..." "Oh really?"
-All responses we use to act like we're interested in your over drawn story about your day.

"I'm Pregnant."
-Oh, I'm sorry that's for girls. It really means "I don't want to lose you so maybe by lying about just about the biggest thing will help me keep my man." It also means "I'm a psycho."
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