Friday, October 28, 2011

No. 140: "Beer Commercials."

I have a bachelor's degree in advertising, which means three things: I suck at math, I have mild sociopathic tenancies, and I understand the ins and outs of brand marketing. Whenever I'm watching strong man competitions, 90's action movies starring Nicholas Cage or shows about boobs and explosions I see a myriad of commercials targeted at my demographic: dude that drinks. Most of these ads are entertaining and humorous; but they take a bit too many artistic liberties. It just doesn't seem realistic. Keep reading and I'll explain.

Light Beer:
Main Brands: Bud Light, Coors Light, Miller Lite

Location:
Usually it will be set in a neighborhood bar at 2 P.M. on a Wednesday. It will be packed full of people who are not drunk as the floors are clean of puke and sloppy chicks aren't giving handy's in the back booths. Somehow, the patrons of the bar all decided to take a half-day from their job and partake in some day drinking. Whenever I go to a bar before five on a weekday all I see is a bunch of burnouts, truckers and my dad.

Men:
The dudes in these commercials all come from the same semi-successful-late-twenties-white-dudes-and-one-black-dude cookie cutter. They're not models, but aren't obese slobs either; although they're all rocking 5 o'clock shadows and wearing t-shirts, which is perfectly kosher in corporate America.

Women:
All of the chicks in light beer commercials are super hot and have a little bit of sass. Whether it's the foxy bartender who looks like she's 19 giving advice on what is and is not "manly" or the group of women who roll their eyes at the buffoonery of the dudes' antics. Chicks never look dumb in these commercials. Rather, they all seem like amazing girlfriends for dating guys well below their pay-grade that only hang out with their buddies and lie to them about going out.

Scene:
It's not always at a happening bar. It could be a tailgating event, living room or pool party. Three things have to happen though: 1) A group of guys have to come up with a ridiculous idea that they think is amazing after drinking too much of the product featured. 2) The female(s) have to either insult or belittle the group of guys without seeming like a total bitch. 3) Everyone grabs a beer and cheers as a sports announcer-type tells you to join in on the fun! (and to always drink responsibly).

The Rest:
They never forget to show off their beer's insubstantial new cap, label, design that makes it easier to drink and know that it is cold. You know, since their core demographic would be opening warm beer with their teeth and drinking it upside down if it wasn't for these unprecedented "inventions."

Beer > Girlfriend that wants to have sex.

Regular Beer:
Main Brands: Budweiser, Coors Banquet, MGD

Location:
Generally shot at a dimly lit pool hall that "doesn't take kindly to" certain folks, elk's clubs with pictures of dead guys, or out in the wilderness where a man can have time with his thoughts. People that drink these types of beers enjoy life moving at a slower pace; whether it's fishing with your four white friends, building a deck with your four white friends, or shooting shit with your four white friends.

Men:
You'll see a lot of late-thirties/early-forties salty men of the sea in these commercials. They have the look of a man that has seen some shit. They're strong-willed, like to get the job done right and are racist true to their ways. Trade in the sports team t-shirts and fitted jeans for some flannel and a pair of dusty Dungarees. They don't talk much, as they're too busy building things and avoiding their family. Also, no minorities are allowed in these commercials. Evennay, especially Italians.

Women:
Not Applicable since all women have been reverted back to the 1950's in these ads. They don't have time to enjoy the Rocky Mountain water, high country barley and barreled hops that go into these beers as they are far too busy cooking and cleaning back home. Can't argue with this representation.

Scene:
There will be shots of nature intermittently crossed with men (not dudes, men) doing manly things. A slow country song will be playing in the background as a grizzled voice-over describes yourself and your values in vivid detail. The bars are never crowded, but rather sparingly occupied by a couple men with checkered pasts.

The Rest:
Occasionally there will be beautiful horses galloping across the countryside in these ads. I'm not sure why that makes me want to drink their beer, but it does. Here is a short list of things you will not see in these ads:
-Bikini-clad women
-Anyone under 30
-Pool parties
-Polite conversation
-Sophomoric hijinks
-Fun

Coors Banquet: Mustaches Mandatory.

Imported Beer:
Brands: Corona, Dos Equis, Heineken.

Location:
These commercials will regularly take place at some tropical or exotic locale since people that drink beer that is slightly more expensive seem to always be vacationing in Monaco or the Cayman Isles. Whether it's a gala black tie affair or a blue ocean beachfront; imported beer drinkers have fucking class. There are no sports bars or Double Deuce's in these ads.

Men:
All the dudes in these commercials seem to be some sort of James Bond prototype that are equally as sophisticated as they are charming. Which all beer drinkers believe they are after their ninth bottle. They use braggadocio to galvanize their female counterparts with regal stories of their adventures taming lions in South Africa, winning obscure sporting events and playing music for Norwegian royalty. Instead of just popping a roofie in her drink like most dudes who drink Heineken do.

Women:
The chicks in these commercials do not speak much. They are very attractive, and all seem to be some sort of hot race-hybrid that you can't put your finger on. It's like Jessica Alba and Nicole Scherzinger scissored and somehow were able to conceive offspring. For the most part, they will either be wearing bikinis or expensive cocktail dresses while giving you that "don't even think about hitting on me" look through piercing blue eyes.

Scene:
I find it funny how many of these commercials are set at the beach. If I tried to bring a glass bottle onto the beach, I would be tackled and maimed by a group of over-juiced lifeguards. I'm not sure how all these people in Corona commercials are getting away with it. I also find it interesting how you never see a group of Mexicans in sombreros taking a siesta next to a saguaro with a beer in their hand. You know, since that's who 90% of the buying market is.

The Rest:
These beers will never be shown in cans, because cans are for cowboys and blue-collar individuals who beat each other with pool cues over paltry disagreements. Exclusivity and class are king for this nectar of the gods. Also, if you try to relax or have a good time without these beers, you will fail miserably and be looked down upon by upper crust-ian society-types. And that would totally ruin your day.

Fuck!

So, there you have it. With each beer bears certain commitment in how you carry yourself. Not every beer is for you. If you like to skip work on a weekday to hang out with your buddies, avoid your girlfriend and make a fool of yourself in front of college co-eds; grab an ice-old, never filling, always crisp light beer. If your weekend is filled with boat building, appreciating the outdoors and beating your wife for burning your dinner; sit down after a long day's work and enjoy the freshest hops and barley this side of the Mississippi in a regular beer. And, if exotic islands, dapper events and pouting supermodels are more your style; sip on some imported beer from your cabana on the beach or riverboat in the south of France. And always drink until you puke responsibility.

Friday, October 7, 2011

No. 139: "Awkward Moments."

Awkwardness is unavoidable in life. You can attempt to posture suave and smooth all you want, but eventually you're going to be put into a situation where even Keith Stone, The Most Interesting Man In The World and that dude from the Old Spice commercials can't help but feel embarrassed. There are usually only a few actions one can furnish once this awkward moment has arisen; and it must be done with fast-acting veracity. Well, I'm here to help. I find myself in awkward situations almost daily, but I walk away unmarred. Here are a few accessible tips to make those not-so-elegant moments less gawky.

The Most Interesting Man leaves out the embarrassing moments in his stories of masculinity.


Telling A Story And Having Someone Walk Away:

Solution #1
Continue telling story to the closest person around; like that cook at your work who doesn't understand English.

Solution #2
Follow them around, continuing with your long-winded story until they start running and knocking over newsstands to get away from you.

Solution #3
Just stop talking. Pick up the story when you two are alone again. Except this time lock the door.

Overview:
The best way to avoid this problem is by having awesome stories that people actually want to hear (e.g. Lying). Then again, that's kind of like saying the best way to quit smoking is to never start. Some people just suck at telling stories. The best quick fix is to just alley-oop a story topic to a friend familiar with the story that simultaneously has social skills that you lack. The best solution in this scenario is #1. More often than not there will be some sad sap around that no one wants to talk to who would enjoy a little social interaction. Crossed-eyed Gary loves stories.

No One Laughs At Your Joke:

Solution #1
Wait a beat and then say "Awkward" in a sing-songy fashion to generate a cheap laugh.

Solution #2
Laugh at your own joke and feel the awkwardness grow exponentially.

Solution #3
Get pissed at everyone and leave.

Overview:
It sucks telling a joke and receiving a cricket-chirping reaction. It happens to everyone, even that funny black guy who you think is your friend even though he always calls you by the wrong name. The worst-case scenario is telling a bad joke in front of a bunch of hot girls you just met. This will assure that every girl within fifty feet of the joke perimeter will check you off their mental list of people they will never fuck. Trying to explain the joke to people just digs you deeper, so just shut your mouth until someone tells an even worse joke. The best bet is to go with solution #1. You admit that your witticism wasn't comedy genius and show off your vocal chops.

Talking Shit About Someone Behind You:

Solution #1
Pretend you are talking about another "Rebecca."

Solution #2
Act like you're joking around and give them a friendly nudge to let them know that it's alllll good.

Solution #3
Punch them in the face and run away.

Overview
Getting caught "talkin' some mad shit" is always embarrassing. It can lead to hurt feelings, sobbing and smeared mascara. The best method for avoiding a tongue lashing or possible termination is to look around for the person you are wanting to verbally beat down. Once you have confirmed their absence, begin your vitriolic rant to eager co-workers; and don't forget to include a couple "cunts" for good measure. The best solution after getting caught is probably #2, though. Friends make fun of each other, and this will only help strengthen your non-existent friendship with Rebecca.

To be fair, Rebecca is kind of a cunt.

Waving At Someone Not Waving At You:

Solution #1
Put your hand down and continue walking while mentally kicking yourself in the head.

Solution #2

Pretend you're shooing away a fly.

Solution #3

Continue waiving like a fucking maniac.

Overview:

This will happen routinely whenever you're by yourself walking to an adult bookstore or church gathering. From afar, everyone looks like someone you know, but once you realize the person joyfully waiving twenty feet away is doing so to the guy behind you, your entire day is ruined. There is no clear-cut way to assure that this never happens; other than demanding all of your friends and relatives wear matching shirts to identify themselves. Admitting defeat in the fact that no one wants to waive at you in public won't help. And, pretending to be attacked by a swarm of hornets will only add more attention to this awkward moment. So, the only way out of this is to feverishly waive like an escaped mental patient. Defecating yourself and throwing feces at onlookers might be taking it too far, though.

You Walk In On Someone In The Bathroom:

Solution #1

Slam the door immediately and never mention seeing that person in said position ever again.

Solution #2

Crack a joke about their dick and tell the rest of the party about what just happened.

Solution #3

Light something on fire.

Overview:

I hate it when I'm at a party and see a door either closed with the light off or almost closed with the light on. Normally, I'll do that hackneyed slow-open to make it easy for the potential pooper to say "Hey! I'm in here, dipshit." This is one of those instances where it is equally embarrassing for both parties involved. Attempting to relinquish the image of your buddy straining to pinch a loaf while simultaneously picking his nose is hard to erase from your brain, and not making eye contact will only mitigate the relationship. Cracking a joke might help temper the moment, but it can only do so much. For this scenario, the only solution is to find something close by and light it on fire. By the time the fire department comes to put out the burning house, everyone will have forgotten about the awkwardness and just want to beat you with a pillowcase full of syringes.

A small oil fire can change the topic of any conversation.

Becoming Lost And Having To Turn Around:


Solution #1
Pull out your cell phone, act like you just read a text message, then turn around.

Solution #2

Circle the earth until you arrive at your destination.

Solution #3
Preform an impromptu spinning dance move and continue walking casually in the other direction.

Overview:

I see this happen to people more than any of the previous situations. It's the most common social faux pas. You could venture in the same direction until you have made your way around the world without having to turn around, but you just don't have the stamina nor the kayaking skills needed to pull off a 'round-the-world trek. Breaking into a succinct dance could lead to further embarrassment due to your lack of experience in the dance trade and fair pigmentation. The best contrivance is to do what we all do when faced with this dilemma: Pretend to use your cell phone as if one of your friends just told you that the meeting place had changed to the opposite direction you were going. Just like Sex Panther, 60% of the time it works, every time.


I hope these disadvantageous pragmatic tips will help you conquer awkwardness in your everyday life. There may not always be a solution that leaves you unscathed from social woes, but at least it might help in making you come off as less of a persona non grata in society (save the kitchen fire). Just try not to walk in on your parents having sex. There's no solution for that; other than immediate suicide.
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