Monday, June 26, 2006

No. 15 "Random Thoughts Part 6."

On Facebook, (AKA Myspace's brother in college) you can have a little away message and I've been messing around with it lately. But whenever I want to put hilarious away messages like "I am fucking your mom." It says "You are fucking your mom." It's nice that Facebook changes up the possessive tone, but it makes me look like a inbreeder to myself.

I love the differences in gender lingo when it comes to arguments. Girls will use words such as "sweetheart," "honey," and "pumpkin" in a negative connotation, which is genius! They will be yelling at each other, and one of them well be like "Listen up honey, you're a slut!" and the other one will be like "No, you're the slut, sweetheart." Its an insult wrapped in a compliment. I wouldn't know whether to hug or punch them. As for guys, we're straight up. If we're mad at you, we'll call you a fag, douche bag, dick, fucker, ect. And we'll wrap that insult with a fist-in-face.

For Kudos on Blogs: Give two or zero. Don't give one. What's the point. "Eh, it was semi entertaining, I will give you half the amount of kudos because you could have done better. Hopefully you will try harder next time and you will get both of my kudos I have to give. But right now I'm taking your other kudos with me, bitch."

Bands are the homeless people of Myspace. They are pan-handlers asking everyone to add them. Instead of asking for money, they want you as a friend. I wonder what it would be like if hobos asked people to be their friends instead of asking for money.

I hate movies where kids outsmart adults. In real life those fuckers would be toast in 2 minutes. I can take any 10 year old, any day of the week, they aren't that clever.

I remember back when I played basketball/soccer/baseball as a kid, whenever I acted up or did something wrong the coach would say "Patrick! go take a lap! Oh, you're talking back? Make that five!" I wonder if that concept would work in real life. Say I get charged with robbery and instead of jail time, the judge gives me 100,000 laps.

Guys with six-packs never ever miss an opportunity to take their shirts off.

I've been going to the lake/river a lot lately and I've noticed that everyone is tatted up. Tats on their back, tats on their arms, tats above their cooch. Everywhere. Is their some sort of secret law that if you are near water you need ink on your skin?

There is no way a man can look cool with a purse. You know what I'm talking about. Your girlfriend or the girl you're currently banging goes into the bathroom and asks you to hold on to her purse. It doesn't matter if you hold it behind your back, with two fingers, or to the side. It is impossible to look manly with a purse. Don't even try.

On the other hand, girls can pull off just about anything that man usually have. Have her carry a gun, that's hot. Have her with a bottle of beer. Hot. Have her with another girl. There we go.

Monday, June 19, 2006

No. 14 "An Open Letter To Hilary Duff."

Here is a little article on Hillary Duff I found hilarious.

Hilary Duff has issued a stinging response to the New York Times movie critic who described her acting as "talent-challenged." Stephen Holden has consistently slammed Duff's teen comedy movies and singled out her performances particularly. But Duff insists she isn't making movies for New York Times readers. She tells Elle magazine, "He doesn't really fit the demographic. So I could really care less. Look at me, and look at where he is - sorry! Would he prefer that I take some super-adult role that is inappropriate so I would have no place to grow? Suppose the next thing I did was this super-edgy independent movie where I was pregnant or shooting up. What would that do to my fanbase?"

Hey Hil, can I call you Hil? Anyway, hows fame? Do you enjoy getting whatever you want because you're a dumb, generic blonde? Well, if you want your "fame" to last longer than another year you can't make the same god damn movies over and over. You need to look outside the box and pick a role that isn't a cookie-cutter romantic comedy about a girl meeting a guy, problems in the middle, and a happy ending. You just have interchangeable static characters and everyone is sick of it. For every shitty movie you make, ten good scripts from original screenwriters are turned down. You are the reason the American cinema is going in the fucking toilet. Oh, and nice shot at the critic, you self-important brat. You are the reason little 12 year-old girls dress like whores, wear make up and give up their childhood for adulthood far too early. And I love this whole "I don't have a care in the world" attitude you have on everything. Have you ever heard of an opinion? Of course not. Suppose you do make a well made, original, thought provoking film. Maybe then people might respect you. There is not one critic in the world that thinks you're a good actress. What a crazy idea? A movie about what really happens in real life. Wow, what an insane idea. Your fan base is growing up and soon they will realize that you are a talentless, dumb, arrogant bitch. Enjoy your fame Hilary, it will be gone in no time.


Monday, June 12, 2006

No. 13 "De-coding Myspace Profiles."

Being a Myspace whore veteran, I have noticed some things on people's profile's that makes me laugh. People like to write about themselves, a lot. So I will point out what they really mean when they say...

Total lie, you love it. This usually means that he/she likes to create a lot of drama and doesn't like when people react or retaliate towards their words or actions. I hate drama but I don't tell everyone.

My Best Friends are...:
I don't fucking care. This isn't a popularity contest (Actually Myspace kind of is, but whatever.) You have a top 8 for a reason, this is just redundant. Stop it, skank.

I don't expect you to understand me or even like me:
Um, what the fuck are you talking about? You are a stupid teenage girl, not a complicated post-modern novelist. I'm pretty sure you aren't that damn complicated. I do know that you have "tons of friends," do whatever you want, have an expensive purse, and you "DGAF". This doesn't impress anyone, play tag in the freeway.

I don't give a fuck what people think of me:
Again, a big fucking lie. You put that on your profile so you seem independent and and sovereign. It really means that you care what people think of you more than most people. You have low self-esteem, and without Myspace you would be depressed. That's why you post 15 bulletins about you new pic that looks exactly like all the other ones. (Shitty.)

I never really know what I want:
"I'm stupid and can't make up my mind on anything. I only care about myself and I can live off my parent's money forever, so why should I even try? Where's my Prada handbag?"

I love my boyfriend:
"I'm not gonna fuck you. Unless..."

Cali girls do it better:
Do what better? Write better Myspace profiles? Definitely not. Give better head? Yes.

I dislike most people:
"I'm a mean bitch and I wrote that because I think that since I'm hot and I can say whatever I want. I will probably end up marrying one of the people I dislike."

I'll try to write back, but I'm busy:
"I think I'm a celebrity because I'm hot and have new pics every other day. Teenage boys drool over me and I'm so cool that I can't even respond to everyone's email since I get too many messages. I'm telling you this because I have enough time to write about myself, but not enough time to write back to you. KISSES!"

I hate Myspace:
"I love Myspace, and I am just saying that to say it. Without Myspace my life wouldn't seem as important. I couldn't use emo songs and different Myspace backgrounds to express my feelings anymore and I would be sad."

Monday, June 5, 2006

No. 12 "Random Thoughts Part 5."

I read this on a Myspace bulletin a couple days ago:
"A girl asked a boy if she was pretty, He She asked him if he would want to be with her forever... and he said no. She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry, he said no. She had heard enough. As she walked away, tears streaming down her face the boy grabbed her arm and said.... You're not pretty you're beautiful. I don't want to be with you forever. I need to be with you forever. And I wouldn't cry if you walked away...I'd die..."
-Where to start? Well, this never happened and will never happen. Guys don't speak from movie scripts, sorry ladies. Maybe if you didn't think that every guy should be like this you wouldn't be disappointed so often. In reality, we expect each other to be like unreal people. There is nothing wrong with being great to your significant other, but when I see these fake stories passed around it makes me think "do girls really believe this bullshit?"

I love it when I'm just sitting in my dorm, bored and I open my fridge and find out a beer I never drank. I had no idea it had existed, it was like a magic beer sent from God himself. Too bad it was a Natty Light.

Dogs are way better than cats, no contest. Don't even try to debate me. And yes, Dogs are capitalized and cats are not. That's the way it is.

If a person's Myspace pictures are only from far away, of celebrities, or of their friends, they are probably ugly. Instead of being like those other Myspace whores that photoshop and crop the shit out of their picture to make themselves look fake-attractive. These people are just too lazy to do all that work.

As far as groupies for rock bands go, they always go for the lead singer, guitarist, and drummer. The bassist never gets any play, and if they do, its the lead singer's sloppy seconds. That's why I hate the bassist from Fall Out Boy. He acts like the lead singer and always stands in the middle in photographs and is the main character in their music videos. Attention douche bag: You are a bassist, stand back and realize that you're the 4th most important person in the band.

Anyone that wears sunglasses inside is automatically a douche bag.

Its funny when a movie/TV show comes out and the character has a memorable name. Example: Julia Gulia from The Wedding Singer. Whenever I meet a girl named Julia I have to call her that. That's probably why I have no friends named Julia. Another example would be Timmy from South Park. My little brothers' name is Tim and I have to call him "TIMM-AY!!" whenever it pops in my head. I hope there's no movie that comes out with something involving my name. Well, you can't really rhyme with Patrick, so that's good.

Here's what you need to do to become a Platinum Singer: write a dopey song in 5 minutes that includes rhymes like "I once knew a girl named Amanda, and she liked her banana." Oh, and you have to be Adam Sandler.

Hot girls always travel in a pack. And that pack of girls is always hot as hell, or gross as hell. But, every once in a while you'll see a pack of hot girls and all of them are hot except one big fat chick. I wonder if all the hot girls realized that the fatty was with them, or maybe the fat girl got confused and went into the wrong pack and the hot girls were just too stupid to realize.

Here is a nice little quote from Tom: Bulletins are currently undergoing special maintenance. They'll be back soon. :-)
Um, I want to fucking post a bulletin about what kind of Laguna Beach star is most like me. I don't tolerate excuses, and that gay little smiley face doesn't make me forget that I can't post a damn bulletin. This wouldn't work in real life. Example: I hit you with my car. I get out of my car, say "Your legs are currently not moving. Maybe they will work again later." Then I smile. I'm pretty sure that wouldn't work.
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