Monday, August 21, 2006

No. 20 "The Freshmen Survival Guide."

Being a junior in college now, I've learned a lot of things about college. What to do, what not to do. So this is for you: my incoming freshman friends. The Freshman Survival Guide.

Sorry, its not like Saved By The Bell: The College Years where you get a dorm the size of your parents house. It will be a little bit bigger than a jail cell. If you picked your roommate you will either have a great first year or you will fight them to the death over who ate the last Hagen Daas. If you get a random roommate they will probably steal your shit and jack off to pictures of your girlfriend when you're not there. Good Luck!

Sorry, this is not like the pamphlet that the school gave you when you were still in high school. You will not being high-fiveing kids in wheel chairs or hanging out with Asians. You will never see the kids you hung out with at orientation. The majority of your friends will be made in the dorms. It will be the first people you get fucked up with. These will be your friends for the next four years, pick them wisely.

Oh shit! College has started and before you buy your books and find out where your classes are you gotta "find where the mother fucking party's at!" I know you're excited about college parties, but don't make the mistake of being "that guy" and doing something retarded and remember that until graduate school. Here are some things NOT to do at parties:
  • Don't do more than 3 keg stands. I don't know what your "high school parties" were like but this is college, you're partying with pros... you won't be able to out drink anyone.
  • Girls don't give a shit about anything that happened in high school. Get over it.
  • Saying how wasted you are doesn't impress anyone, it just points out to everyone that you're new to college.
  • You break something, you die. Easy as that.
  • Partying in the dorms is lame and only Freshman do it.
  • You pay. Unless you're a girl, you aren't partying for free.
  • Don't pass out anywhere. People don't always follow the "shoes off, free game" policy. If you pass out at a party you'll probably wake up with balls on your face.
  • Don't come to a party with 10 dudes and no chicks. You're 18, that's plenty old enough to talk to some girls. C'mon now.

College girls are different than high school girls. They don't give a shit about how popular you were in high school. Its all about the here and the now. Make a good impression, take her out, fuck her, then never call her again. Ha ha, I'm only kidding. Call her back when you have an off night and get no play and don't wanna whack it to broadband porn another night. I have no soul.

Unlike high school, the teacher doesn't call your parents if you don't show up to class. The fact is that you usually don't need to go to class every day. Just make sure you have your needed notes, own the book, know what the class is about, and have a friend that's good at that shit. Or, you could always cheat.

You will hear Dave Matthews Band, The Beatles, The Doors, and Sublime everyday. Start liking them.

They suck, don't go to them. It will just be some overly happy upperclassman telling you about how "fun it can be helping people." Yeah, that's fucking lame. If I wanted to do community service I'd commit a crime. And anything else the school sponsors will be just full of sanctimonious people that you would never want to be in the same room with. Stay away from these.

  • The Creeper: He's the guy that met you at orientation and always seems to be around. He runs into you at the food court, the library, even the fucking bathroom. "Oh, you guys are going to a party, I'm coming" Remember to always give them the wrong directions.
  • Dorm Storming: Generally done by upperclassmen. It is when a group of guys (generally 3-4 of them) goes through all the female dorms and talks to girls with their doors open. There is the "ice-breaker": that usually tells a joke or says something to spark interest to the girls, the "middle-man" then tells a story or gets to know the girls better, and "the closer" that gets the girls numbers or gets them to hang out. Freshman dudes usually hate the Dorm Stormers, but there's not much they can do.
  • The Cycle: A concept by Aaron Karo where in one weekend you hook up with a freshman, a sophomore, a junior, and a senior. Very hard to do and even harder to believe.
  • The Half-Hottie: A girl with one or two good features but the rest is just a mess. Consuming alcohol will make these one or two things much more visible and the rest of the mess less visible. Watch out.
  • The Townies: Mostly found in small town colleges like NAU. These are the people born and raised in the city that the college is in. They show up at college parties even though most of them didn't even graduate high school. To have sex with a townie will ruin your reputation forever.
  • The Older Dude: Usually in their mid-twenties, still trying to bang freshman. (A la "Dazed and Confused") They suck at life, make sure they know.

Having a roommate can definitely salt your game. It sucks getting a girl drunk, losing her friends, and getting her back to your dorm and then you have to deal with the fact that your roommate is there and don't know how to say "get the fuck out." Basically you and your roommate need to come up with a way you can both get action without having to see each others' balls. Come up with a system or signal so they know whats up. If you say "Hey man, did you pick up your mail." They will know that you need to room for sexual activity. Or, if they aren't there but might be coming back soon, buy one of those small dry erase boards and put it on your door. Draw a smiley face or just write "I'm Fucking" on it so they don't walk in on you banging the girl they told you they liked. Or you could just be an ass and not give a fuck if they see anything. Its up to you.

  • Befriend the RA... or at least pretend to. If you're an ass to him/her they will bust you no doubt.
  • Get a fake. The kid with the fake ID in the Freshman Dorm is always the coolest kid around. Guaranteed to make you friends.
  • Go to class every now and then. Its cool to party all the time, but being kicked out of college sucks and you don't wanna be one of those losers.
  • Work out. You will gain weight from the constant drinking and 4 am stops at Del Taco, pick up a weight before you gain some.
  • Talk to your professor. Being silent in class is a bad thing. Ask questions and talk to them after class about anything. Most professors love this. And I know for a fact that I have raised several of my grades because the professor knew me well.
  • Fuck your TA. The TA grades a lot of the tests and papers and is usually only two or three years older. Have sex with them and you will get good grades. Who needs morals?
In the end, college will be the best 4, 5, or 6 years of your life. High School ain't got shit on college. Have fun, do crazy shit, and don't fucking fail out.

Good Luck.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

No. 19 "Random Thoughts Part 8."

A balloon is the only thing you can't "put down." You can "put it up" though.

Girls: If you ever do something with a guy and say "don't tell anyone, this is between you and me," he will be texting and myspaceing his friends faster than you can say "I'm a kill that asshole."

If I see another asshole with one of those bluetooth ear pieces of shit I'm gonna slap a hoe. Who the fuck do you think you are? The secret service? No one cares that you have friends and they call you. Its probably your mom on the line anyways you fag.

I want to learn a foreign language, go to a place where there's a lot of people that speak that language, act like a retard, have them talk shit about me in their language, and then confront them, telling them that I know what they said. Too much work? Probably.

Whenever I'm driving and there's a fly in my car I forget I am driving and my only prerogative is the destroy this fly. Forget watching the road, my speed, or children in crosswalks. There is a fly in my space and he must die.

I was at the mall the other day and they had one of those kiosks that had these brick looking things that polish your nails. I walk by and the girl that worked there was like "Hey, come over here, I wanna show you something." She was cute and didn't look like a rapist so I went over and she took my hand and polished one of my finger nails. I was totally caught off guard. What the fuck! I'm a guy, I don't give a shit about my nails. And my one nail was so damn shinny. I spent all day trying to dirty it up and make it look un-girly. Watch out for these kiosk finger-nail rapists.

My mom always talks about how she doesn't like the fact that I drink under-age. But, the last three gifts she's gotten me were: Guinness board shorts, a beer pong shirt, and a shot glass from Spain.

How come every McDonald's commercial I see with black people in it they're always ordering the chicken sandwich. Fucking McRacists.

It's funny seeing the new freshman class this year, all young and naive. But by Thanksgiving most will drop out, gain 20 lbs, or be pregnant. Oh, college.

Anyone that calls a girl a "goofball" is automatically a douche ball.

Tuesday, August 8, 2006

No. 18 "Pizza Slut."

Well, I just finished my job at Pizza Hut. After working there for two summers, I thought I'd write a little blog about some experiences I've had and some lessons I've learned.

I drove your damn pizza all the way to your house -- and before I go further, I delivered in a wide range. Central avenue all the way to 90th street. There were a lot of dirt roads, it wasn't easy finding some of these damn houses. A tip is not included, you need to reach into your wallet and give me some money!
-No Tip-$1: You are a cheap bastard and I will run over your dog out of spite.
-$1-2: You are also cheap but I won't run over your dog, just your cat because I hate cats.
-$2-3: Eh, you could do better, but I'll leave your pets alone.
-$3-5 Solid tip, I'll say Thank You.
-$5-10 You're a bad ass and you can have as many crushed peppers and parmesan cheese as you want!
-$11+ I'm on my knees...

I'm not scared at dogs at all, I love them, but about 80% of the house I went to had "Beware of Dog" signs on their property. And one of my friends that worked at Pizza Hut actually developed a fear of dogs, (what a pussy.) Some of the houses I delivered to had some ugly motherfucking dogs. They were some multi-breed of half-wolf/half-dog/half-monster. Not many chihuahuas.

Pizza Hut is on 48th street and we deliver pretty far in both directions. They are very different sides though. The west side has lots of dirt roads, wild animals, horses, and hillbillies. The East Side has nice ass houses and no rabid animals attacking me. The east side always tips better, so if I'm taking two deliveries I always go to the east side first and the west side has to settle for cold pizza.

Hillbillies/Red Necks:
I fucking hate them, and I get to deliver to them every damn day. This is what an average hillbilly is like:
-Confederate flag on their truck.
-Random car parts in the front yard.
-Wild animals running around.
-Seven malnourished kids, all within a year of each other.
-A Texas accent even though they're born and raised in AZ.
-Chew tobacco they spit on your shoe, then drop kick you with their spurs.
-Five hundred and thirty eight Private Property and Beware of Dog signs.
-They answer the door with a shotgun in hand.
-65 cents is a good tip, boy.

I had a general manager and three assistant managers that were my "bosses," but not once did I ever listen to them or respect them. Rick was the GM and he was cool as hell, when the other assistant managers would tell me to tuck in my shirt, I'd be like "I'm pregnant, I can't" and Rick would agree with me. I was a year older than all my assistant managers so obviously I have seniority over them. They needed help with a table -- too bad, I'm busy sitting down. One time my assistant manager Chris was mad because there was a bunch of dishes that hadn't been done. I told him that he better get busy and take care of them. He took me off the drivers list and told me to do the dishes, I politely told him to fuck off and walked away. After doing approximately four dishes he came in and put me back on the drivers list because he forgot that he needed me and Pizza Hut would die without me. He never bothered me again.

-The Pizza isn't good -- too bad, I didn't make it.
-The Pizza is late -- Well, there was traffic or the cooks took too long to make it or something else that doesn't point the finger at me. It's not my fault, I'm only the driver
-The order is wrong -- you must have ordered it wrong, all of our Pizza Hut employees couldn't get it wrong, they all have PH.d's
-You forgot my ranch -- You don't need it, fatty.
-Your shirt isn't tucked in -- Fuck You.
-The pizza is cold -- You have an oven, use it, bitch.

All in all, Pizza Hut was a laid-back job and I made a lot of money. It was fun to work there and it will suck having a job where I can't tell my bosses to fuck off or to wake me up when a delivery comes because I'm gonna take a nap.
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