Tuesday, July 29, 2008

No. 51 "You Got Served, Bitch."

Ah, working. It’s the best, especially when your job’s main focus is customer service, AKA kissing ass with a smile. I kiss so much ass at work my lips get chapped. I’ve been a server for a few months now, and you learn a lot about life and people while handing out Ice Teas and serving spaghetti. Being a server, you learn to change the way you talk and act around different people, and I thought I’d write a blog about working in the food service industry, and what I’ve learned so far.

As many that work as a server know, pleasing the customer is key. If you want a good tip you gotta do a few things. (Unless you’re a chick, then all you gotta do is be hot.) First, don’t use profane language or racial slurs around the customers, many find this offensive for some reason. Families like to come into restaurants and a lot of the time they bring kids. It’s not recommended to tell the kids to shut the fuck up or smack them in the back of the head. Parents usually don’t appreciate this. And finally, attempt “giving a fuck.” When they tell you what they want to eat, you may want to write it down and put the order into the computer. You probably don’t want to decide what they are going to eat for yourself, or ask for extra cheese on the pasta when they are deathly allergic. Important tips for the future, folks.

Employee relations is also a vital ingredient in a restaurant. Normally there are two different groups in a restaurant. The English speaking people (Servers, Managers, Hostesses) and Mexicans. (Cooks, Dishwashers) Bridge this gap by getting to know the other group. If you are a server, chat with one of the cooks and if you are a dish washer, translate this blog into Spanish and flirt with the underage hostess. Personally I have crossed over to the other group and get along great with the cooks. They love to joke around though, by cooking my orders late and spraying hot water at me. But, its alright because they have a special nick name for me: Perra Muda.

Getting along with your boss isn’t always easy for everyone. A lot of bosses ask a lot from their employees like coming into work on time… and sober! I know, a bit uptight. It’s hard to roll out of bed at 4 pm sober and in work attire. When talking shit about your boss, you may want to look around for them, bosses don’t exactly like walking up when you are calling them a cunt muscle. Bosses also don’t really like when you sleep at work, especially on the table you are in the middle of serving. It gets in the way of their entrees. Talking on your cell phone while smoking a cigarette inside might not be the best idea either. Just do one or the other, you need your other hand to bring drinks to your table.

At times, you will get a “difficult” table. (AKA old fucks) These delightful senior citizens might need you to repeat the specials a few dozen times, complain that you gave them the wrong food when they just forgot what they ordered, or give you a 5% tip. You have to treat each table the same, respectfully. There is no need to spit in their food, change the amount of tip they give you on their credit card receipt or knock over their wheel chair. Another “difficult” group that comes into restaurants are teenagers. They are really cool with their sunglasses on inside and their blonde tipped hair. Oh look! That kid is blowing bubbles in his root beer. How hilarious and clever! Teenagers will also leave great tips, 45 cents on a $20 tab? Its my lucky day!

And finally, Server Lingo will take affect within the first week of working at a restaurant. What is server lingo you say to your computer screen? Well it is the words and phrases you say while working but never say anywhere else. You will say “folks” more times on your first day than you will have had said in the previous 21 years of your life. For some retarded reason I say “Absolutely” every chance I get. “Excuse me, could I get more ranch?” Absolutely. “Could we get the check?” Absolutely. “My son is choking, some one help!” Absolutely Not. I also use my server voice instead of my regular awesome voice. My server voice is super lame. It always sounds like I’m talking to a bunch of 3rd graders going on a field trip.

Well those are my thoughts on the food service industry. Its not the easiest job in the world. You do have to show up sober, kiss wrinkly old people ass and try not to assault children. But, its all worth it for the 45 cents you get at the end of the day. So there you go, you have just been served, bitch.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

No. 50 "How To Write A Blog."

I've written about sixty blogs over the last two years. Some about drinking, benign minutia, and being an asshole. And some about... actually, all of them are about that. Well a lot of my blogs have been "How To" type blogs detailing how to bang a stripper or rob the student store. Well, today is your lucky day children. I am going to teach you how I write my blogs. I know what you're thinking, how is that possible? Its like Di Vinci teaching someone calculus or Einstein teaching someone how to make bagels, but it is actually quite simple.

Step 1:
Sarcasm is key. That's pretty much the only tone I know how to write in. There may be no sarcasm font, (that I know of) but unless your audience is 3rd graders it shouldn't be that hard to comprehend. I'm not really a narcissist asshole. See, that's some good sarcasm.

Step 2:
If you don't offend someone you haven't done your job. Just go after everyone that is different than you. Don't be afraid to push the envelope. But, don't make fun of black people, that's wrong. (Actually, black people don't know how to read so you should be fine.)

Step 3:
Get drunk. I rarely write a blog sober and always write at night. The Beatles would be The Monkeys if it wasn't for LSD. Drugs are helpful too. So go out there and experiment some drugs. Weed doesn't count you pussy, grow up and do heroin like a man.

Step 4:
The type of language you use in your blogs is important. Slut, Douche Bag, Asshole, and Cum Dumpster aren't just words you use about your significant other when they're gone. And remember "Fuck" can be a noun, verb, adjective, and curse word.

Step 4.5:
Other than the buzz words I use that Jesus wouldn't approve of, it is important to seem semi-intelligent. Just use your computer's thesaurus to make a sentence seem more sophisticated. Example: The stripper had prodigious titties. Also, spell-check is vital. It took me three tries to spell thesaurus correctly.

Step 5:
Speak in the 4th person. I know what you're thinking, "There is no 4th person, retard." And your 10th grade English teacher is right, nerd. I made it up. Basically, 4th person is somewhere between 1st and 2nd person. I'll say "You" during a blog and I know you don't feel that way, or would do such a thing. I just don't want to incriminate myself... I mean yourself.

Step 6:
Write what you know. I don't spend much time volunteering my time, learning foreign languages, or being a good person. Therefore, my blogs seem to be more about booze, chicks, and kicking puppies. Hemmingway stuck to his terse prose style and I'll stick to my sophomoric sardonic style.

So go out there and write yourself a nonsensical, misogynistic and sometimes racist blog! But, don't let your mom read them because she'll send you to church to talk to Father Tom about being a good Catholic. True Story.
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