Tuesday, November 28, 2006

No. 28 "How Not To Get Laid."

Are you hit on everyday? Are you insanely attractive? Are you a conceited? Well, I wrote an article for us awesomely attractive people on how to not attract the opposite sex because we are so badass that we get too much play. Here's what to do..

So a girl's hitting on you, and you being such an awesome narcissist, aren't interested. Forget telling them you aren't interested, use your fist! Hitting women isn't illegal! This will work faster at getting them to stop bothering you, and will impress your peers.

Gain weight:
So the fist-in-face didn't work as well as you had planned? Well, since you're so awesome you need to do something drastic. Gain about fifty pounds, this will show them! The weight will signify you supremacy, and don't worry if people laugh at you, they're just jealous of your man-boobs.

Pee Your Pants:
Everyone knows its cool to pee your pants. By peeing your pants it will symbolize your non-interest, and people will disperse. It's just like in the animal kingdom, I think..

Be a pussy:
Everyone knows that guys that are pussies never get pussy. So start telling girls your "feelings" (I know we don't have any feelings, but watch some "One Tree Hill" and do what those tools do.) Instead of reaching down her pants when you're making out, hold her hand. Instead of watching a movie in your apartment and then fucking without a condom, take her out to a nice dinner, pay for it and then walk her to her door. This is sure to get her not to want you.

Be a fuck-hole:
Girls love assholes, but they don't like fuck-holes. Fuck-holes are way past assholes and douche-holes. They're another level of "hole." An asshole would not call a girl back or tell her to get you a drink. A fuck-hole calls a girl back to insult her and use racial slurs. And a fuck-hole has the girl get him a drink and then throw it at her, telling her its not what you wanted. (Even though it was.)

Get an STD:
Go to your local whorehouse (ASU) and ask for the nastiest slut. Bang her without condom and leave without paying. Now you have a sure-fire STD! Sure STD's are easier to get than weed, but people have to know you have it. So, while at a big party, turn off the stereo and pull down your pants. Then announce your disease and how its incurable. Go back to partying and you'll be left alone. :)

Club Baby Seals:
Women love cute animals, so this will deter them from your charm. Just go to a public place and start beating some of these adorable animals. The police want to arrest you? That's just because they're jealous you thought of it first. There's not any seals in your area? Order some real cute ones on Ebay, you can also buy a neat club there too! You clever dog, you.

Listen to Creed:
Actually, don't. People will think you're gay.

These awesomely badass tips will assure that you can go to a party without being hit on, and will also prevent you from any social activity. Go You!

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