Friday, April 30, 2010


Hey everyone. I just wanted to update you all on a couple of things. I've finally started to polish and edit my older blogs. Most of you didn't read my blogs back when I first started writing them on Myspace (otherwise known as Facebook for rapists) back in 2005 A.D., but they are pretty shitty. I don't really feel like completely rewriting them, so I did what I could to clean them up so it doesn't look like a dyslexic orangutan wrote them. Its like getting an elderly dog groomed. He might smell nice and have a new bow on him, but he's still useless and can't see or hear. You can check them out if you want, but they don't start getting decent until around May 2006. In any case, I've been working on some new blogs, and will have a new one up on Sunday about finals. Hopefully it'll be an excuse to procrastinate for a couple minutes (or hours if you are a bad reader.) I hope everyone has a good weekend, and I'm out.


Thursday, April 29, 2010

No. 112 "College Student Finds Out His 21st Birthday Is On A Tuesday."

CORVALLIS, OR—After going through his iPhone's calendar application while sitting on the toilet, twenty year old college student Richie Johnston determined that his 21st birthday was on a Tuesday. Once he got home, he checked his computer and Google, but ultimately succumbed to the fact that his power hour was the night of August 24th, a Monday.

Generally, "Power Hours" are a coming of age for young adults where the guest of honor will meet with friends outside a local watering hole until the clock strikes midnight. After which, he or she will attempt to consume twenty one shots of alcohol within the one or two hour window, or until they are removed by security or coroners.

"This is so fucking gay," the Oregon State junior said once he learned the news. "Those damn leap years screwed everything up. I wish my parents would have boned three days earlier so I could have a legit power hour."

"Why the hell are you interviewing me?" said Richie's father Bob Johnston. "He needs to get his ass in gear and focus on school. I could give a shit less about him not having a good birthday. I didn't refinance my mortgage so he could get piss drunk on a Monday night with his dip shit buddies." Mr. Johnston added that he was on his third tour in Vietnam for his 21st birthday "getting shot at by Chinamen."

After learning about the date of his birthday, Richie created a Facebook event to notify his guests on the time and location of his power hour. Of the 127 invitees, only three guests have clicked on "attending," while six others have said "maybe." This has angered Richie, who is considering de-friending many of the people who are choosing not to attend his event.

Richie's fraternity brother Johnny Rusch celebrated his power hour several weekends ago, which was on a Saturday, and approximately seventy five people attended the event at Murphy's Pub in downtown Corvallis. According to reports, the night ranged from "pretty chill" to "fucking insane." Unfortunately, Richie could not attend the event since he was not of age to enter a bar. Although he unsuccessfully tried to jump over a metal fence to gain access to the bar before being escorted out of the establishment by Murphy's Pub security.

Richie originally considered changing his power hour to the subsequent Friday, but after talking it over with several acquaintances, decided that it would be "uber lame," and could lead to people forgetting about his birthday and refusing to buy him expensive shots of alcohol. "We talked it over and figured out that if its three days past your birthday, that's just too far of a stretch" said bro Frankie Delhomme as he took a swig from a Natural Ice can. "No one really cares anymore."

When reached for comment, Richie's roommate Edwin "Moose" Willingham III acknowledged that he would attend the event, despite it being scheduled on a Monday. "I like to get fucked up, I don't care what day it is. Shit, I'm blitzed right now." Adding that he was looking forward to becoming overly intoxicated and fraternizing with "young beezies."

Wednesday, April 14, 2010


The purpose of this sidebar is to express my hate for my phone. There's nothing wrong with the service or anything like that, it's just really dull. I see all these fancy new phones and I get jealous when I look at my sack o' crap. It's kind of like marrying an average girl and then watching your friends bone a bunch of Victoria's Secret models while you rub your wife's bunions. Whenever I come up with an idea for the blog I have to go through my notepad feature and attempt to write down a couple sentences in the stupid section. Not only does my T9 think I use the words 'shiv' and 'duck' a lot, its also completely full since my memory sucks. If I had a cool, sexy phone I could do this much easier, plus look at porn while driving. So if any of you fine people would like to give me your expensive phone, I would gladly trade you a coupon for three hundred high fives redeemable within the next 18 months (No purchase necessary.) What a deal, right? I will be accepting all iPhones, Droids, and even myTouch's (ugh.) Feel free to mail it to my home or have it delivered via carrier pigeon. Thank you and good day.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

No. 111 "Drunk Friend Levels."

We all have different types of friends. Some are tall, some wear lifts and say they're two inches taller than they really are. Some are smart, some get pissed when you call them dumb on Facebook and then try to defend their intelligence with a reply full of grammatical and spelling errors. And some drink a little, some knock over popcorn machines and then fall down the stairs. What I'm trying to get at is that there are different levels of drunkeness among friends. We all have a 1.0 and a 10.0 in our social circle. What's the difference between a 1.0 and a 10.0? Read on...

The type of friend that rarely goes out, and if he/she does, they usually order a water. They get aggravated when others make fun of their lack of drinking skills and are much better fighters due to their sobriety and lack of swaying and falling on the ground.

This friend will have a drink with you, but that's about it. They'd much rather participate in lame activities like hiking, mountain biking, and (God forbid) volunteering. Rarely will they stay at a party past twelve due to their participation in a 5K the next morning.

Stoner who drinks sometimes, but always mentions that the party would be "chiller" if he had some weed. His querulous attitude gets annoying after a while, especially when he eats all your fucking food.

A lightweight. Sure, they love drinking as much as the next guy, but they rarely make it past six drinks. Sometimes this has to do with their age (One of the many reasons I don't party with middle schoolers anymore.) Other times its because they're just pussies. Have fun writing on them once they pass out around 11:30.

Busy with other shit like a real job or annoying serious girlfriend. Prone to say things such as: "Naw man, I can't make it out tonight. Gotta watch Dancing With The Stars with the gee eff. Totally gonna get a little buzz on and maybe touch her with my wang."

This friend is always looking to add another notch to his bedpost. He'll show up to the bar or party with a handful of bitches, or looking for his next sexual conquest. Rarely will he stay up until sunrise playing beer pong and shotgunning tall boys because he's busy banging your sister in the other room.

Active, down-for-what-eva type. Mixes everything with Mountain Dew. Camping trip with a couple thirties? In. Beer festival? Down. Hittin' up the lake to pound some brews and wakeboard? Brotally!

Loves to drink, but can hold a job, girlfriend, and function in society. They have no problem getting blackout drunk, but always make sure to set their alarm so they can make it to work or school. Albeit hungover as hell.

You don't even really consider him/her a friend, more of a drinking buddy. If you take the time to look back at every time you hung out with this friend, you come to realize that it was always on the weekend at night. Except for a couple day parties here and there. They will rarely participate in sports that don't involve the words "pong," "keg," or "naked."

Tens will fight you every time you go out and drink with them. They take vodka shots at brunch, and can't go anywhere sober. Your fiancé won't allow him at your wedding because "he'll probably try to fuck the cake." He also has a propensity to go to children's birthday parties, baptisms and quinceanera blasted out of his mind.

So, whether you're a 1.0 that ends up beating up your friends for making fun of your lack of drinking skills, or a 10.0 who ruins religious and cultural events with your rampant alcoholism, there are all types of drunk friends. Which one are you?

Thursday, April 8, 2010

No. 110 "Summer Camp."

Summer is creeping up on us, and we all know what that means! No, not pool parties with half naked coeds and beer bongs – summer camp! Now, many of my eleven readers are probably too old to be going to sleep away camps during the summer so their parents can catch up on some much needed boning. But, that doesn't mean that we can't all look back and remember the camps of our youth. We can all conjure up the time our dads dropped us off at the meet up spot, and then immediately sped off to Sam's Club to buy an economy pack of Trojans. Lets reminisce...

Movie Camp:
Is your child the next Steven Spielberg or Roman Polanski? Then Movie Camp is for them! This is where dreams come true and all the boys and girls can get the experience needed to become a Hollywood big shot (Or at least work as a 3rd Assistant director on an adult feature.) The camp will be run by failed director 9th grade video technology teacher, Gary Valance, who loves to talk about his feisty cats. Within the first couple days of camp, positions will be assigned. Some kids will act, work the cameras or edit the film. The others will be given important jobs that included: moving cables and "staying out of the damn shot." At the end of the camp, all involved will receive a VHS copy of the shitty movie they made, and can show it to family as they pretend to be impressed.
Camp Length: 4 weeks. (The actual time real movies are shot in, so you know its legit.)
Camp Cost: A lot more than you think, equipment is pricey.

Sports Camp:
This is for all the athletic kids, or the less athletic kids who don't want to go to fat camp. At Sports Camp, a group of fired P.E. teachers will arrange a variety of different sports and activities the kids can participate in. This will enable sportsmanship, teamwork, and getting reamed with dodge balls by older, larger children. We're safe at Sports Camp. Before participating in all these rad activities, everyone must stretch forty eight different ways to make sure no one cramps up. From soccer to squash, there's plenty of fun for all all ages! Each child will be allowed one bathroom break per day and receive one eight ounce bottle of water every four hours.
Camp Length: 2 1/2 weeks, or until someone has a heat stroke.
Camp Cost: $835 plus the cost of extra balls that go over the wall.

Church Camp:
Sorry Jews, no Jesus killers allowed. Church camp is for everyone all Christians, whether your child is a good God-fearing individual, or in need of spiritual discipline. During your child's time at Church Camp, we will be singing songs while holding hands and swaying, participating in arts & crafts that bring them closer to our lord, and have long moments of reflection right before lunch that seem to last forever. There will be a special guest appearance by the local bishop, and hell, Jesus might even stop by. Unfortunately, last year a child lost their virginity during their time at our camp (And not in the good way, like Mary did.) Note to any campers looking to do the same: you may get high-fived by all the other campers, but Jesus will leave you hanging.
Camp Length: Eternity in hell if they don't go.
Camp Cost: You can't put a price on God's love. ($995)

Weight Loss Camp:
So, Sports Camp didn't work last year? Weight Loss Camp can do the trick! There will be no burgers and hot dogs at Weight Loss Camp, only crunches and tears. Campers will not be making bird feeders out of pine cones and peanut butter, they will be starved put on a strict diet by experienced nutritionists. Unlike the motion picture classic Heavyweights, no campers will be saved by a sweet overweight counselor, and learn to appreciate that its whats inside you, not outside you that counts. They will succumb to the camp leader, and rooms will be checked for junk food every hour. During the last week, the campers will get to participate in a multi-tiered competition with another camp filled with athletic children set on dominating them thoroughly. Your child will come back home skinnier and full of self esteem instead of rolls of fat.
Camp Length: Until their fat asses are in shape.
Camp Cost: How much is your child's health worth? That much.

Adventure Camp:
If you're the outdoorsy type who enjoys wearing fanny packs and shitting in the woods, then adventure camp is for you! Who needs cabins and beds when you can spend half a day setting up tents and then freeze your ass off in the cold before being mauled by a bear. Adventure camp is full of – you guessed it, adventures! An overly exuberant "outdoorsman" will lead your child down trails where dinosaur bones might have been, into a volcano where lava used to come out of, and to a picnic table where everyone will be served "extreme" Sloppy Joe's. (One per camper.) Put down your deposit for Adventure Camp today and be given a free plastic compass that will break before camp even begins.
Camp Length: Until the adventure is over! OK, actually three weeks.
Camp Cost: A mortgage payment.

Drama Camp:
Is your child talented? Do they love acting and/or singing? Think they might be a homosexual? Well, then drama camp is perfect for them! This year, the camp will be run by ten-year dinner theater actor Kenneth Flowers (who we haven't run a background check on yet, so this may change.) During your child's time at drama camp, they will learn how to improvise, the art of method acting and how to break into song for no apparent reason at all. Camp will conclude with a performance put on by our campers, and premiere at an assisted living facility. Remember, without the skills your child will learn at our camp, they will probably end up being a transient/mime working on Venice Beach six years from now. And nobody loves a mime.
Camp Length: Until we get it right.
Camp Cost: Five hundred twenty five thousand six hundred dollars, that's how you measure the cost of the camp.

Science Camp:
Perfect for all nerds, geeks and social outcasts. At Science camp your child will learn how important science is in our every day life. They will learn about gravity, weight measurements and evolution other exciting things! Not only will they expand their mind while taking notes from a power point presentation and assigned readings. They will be participating in, and conduct their own science experiments (under strict adult supervision, must of the time.) We will even play with dry ice and make a bomb out of it, then throw it at wildlife. And the best part is, no physical activity required! Sign up today and your child will receive no girlfriends until his late twenties.
Camp Length: The distance from the earth to the moon. Just kidding, 3 1/2 weeks.
Camp Cost: ((3x^2 - 27)/4) * ((8x^2)/(9 - 3x)) / ((x^2 + 3x)/6)

Juvenile Delinquency Camp:
If your child is misbehaving, committing petty crimes or is black, Juvenile Delinquency Camp may be your last hope before they end up in prison for life or start giving sexual favors for narcotics. Some like to label our camp as "Jail Camp," but its much more than that. Here at JDC, we are all about respect and discipline. After you sign the vaguely worded permission slip, we will be allowed to do just about anything to your child until he or she stops being such a smart ass. Its not all doom and gloom though. There will be athletic training courses with former drill instructors and a meet and greet with convicted felons aiming to lead your children away from crime with profanity and scare tactics. Sign your child up, before he robs my ass.
Camp Length: 5 weeks-life.
Camp Cost: Just sell all the items your child stole and give us the money.

So whether you're a God fearing non-Jew, a nerd who is afraid of athletic competition or a youth tough looking for a new path, there is a camp out there for you. Just remember to come to camp ready to learn, have fun and make friends with kids you promise to keep in touch with but eventually forget three weeks later.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010


Spring is in the air, and that means two things: girls breaking out revealing clothing that pisses off their boyfriends, and spring cleaning. Now, the latter is not much fun, but I've decided to clean up and edit my older blogs. By "clean up" I don't mean that I'm going to remove all the expletives and references to oral sex, I would never do that. I'm just going to make them more readable because many of my older blogs are grossly unpolished and full of spelling and grammatical errors that would have by 9th grade English teacher rolling in her wheel chair. Also, I've added a little link on the right side of my personal favorite blogs I've written over the years. If you're relatively new to my stupid website, you should check them out while your boss is out of the room. I should have something new some time this week, not sure what yet, but I'll figure it out. That is all.


Friday, April 2, 2010

No. 109 "Easter Sunday."

Ah, Easter Sunday. The special holiday that comes sometime between St. Paddy's Day and Cinco De Mayo, except less boobs and beads are involved, unfortunately. Its a time to wake up at the ass crack of dawn, act like a child, and pretend to know the lyrics of songs about that Jesus fellow. There's nothing better. I thought it would be the Catholic thing to give you a time line on how a normal Easter Sunday goes for the average twentysomething. Enjoy.

4:02 AM: Be awoken by your all-too-happy mom, and told to get ready for sunrise mass.

4:03 AM: Contemplate suicide.

4:15 AM: Be awoken once again by your angry mom as she throws the pastel colored outfit she bought you on your lifeless body.

4:18 AM: Get up and take a shower. Use one of the "manly" body washes you own.

4:30 AM: Look at self naked. Consider gym membership.

4:41 AM: Sit at breakfast bar waiting for hearty breakfast.

4:43 AM: Be notified by your dad that your mom is not your slave, and that everyone is already running late because of "your lazy ass."

4:44 AM: Contemplate punching your dad.

5:00 AM: Get into family car with brothers and sisters. Fight for five minutes over who has to sit "bitch."

5:01 AM: Be yelled at by your mom for saying "bitch" on Jesus' day.

5:05 AM: Leave house, but turn around once your mom realizes she forgot her purse.

5:07 AM: Watch as your dad rolls his eyes. Make a misogynistic joke once your mom leaves the car. Fist bump your dad.

5:11 AM: Listen to your dad's shitty music.

5:19 AM: Wish you were raised Jewish.

5:25 AM: Arrive at church to see lines longer than Six Flags for parking spots.

5:31 AM: Hear your dad use the lord's name in vain twenty eight times while looking for a parking spot.

5:38 AM: Park two miles away in the Walgreen's parking lot.

5:40 AM: Run to the church and laugh at the way your mom jogs in heels.

5:51 AM: Walk into church and see no seats available. Judge people that have seats and attempt to bribe an usher to get a chair.

5:58 AM: Watch a bunch of dipshit little kids sing a song about Jesus.

6:00 AM: The priest arrives and attempts a lame joke. Don't laugh.

6:03 AM: Listen to the choir sing a song. Yell out "Free Bird!"

6:07 AM: Complain that your legs hurt.

6:08 AM: Sit on the ground. Be yelled at by your dad.

6:11 AM: Check out the hottie sitting three rows in front of you. Wonder if she's one of those lame "wait until marriage" chicks or the naughty catholic schoolgirl type. Go with the former after seeing granny panties once she leans over.

6:15 AM: Look at watch. Think to yourself that God is making time go slower just to make you suffer for all the horrible things you did in college.

6:23 AM: Try to sing a song from the lyrics pamphlet. Realize that you're singing the wrong song.

6:27 AM: Sing the lyrics to "Still D.R.E." until someone notices.

6:30 AM: Roll your lyrics pamphlet into a cylinder and smack your sister with it.

6:33 AM: Look at watch. Curse God in your head.

6:40 AM: Fall asleep. Be immediately woken by a strong pinch from your livid mom. Overreact and whisper that you might be bleeding.

6:41 AM: Be yelled at by your dad. Try to explain yourself, but become marinated with sharp shushes.

6:45 AM: Think about how comfortable your bed would be right now.

6:49 AM: Tell dirty joke to your brother. Be shushed by the couple behind you.

6:52 AM: Look around entire church, try to find a black person. Give up after five minutes of searching.

6:57 AM: Watch dipshit little kids dismantle another stupid song.

7:00 AM: Ask your mom how much longer this is going to last. Receive no positive information.

7:03 AM: Shake hands with a bunch of strangers for some reason. Fake a couple smiles.

7:06 AM: Look at watch.

7:06 AM: Look at watch. Wonder if your watch is broken.

7:08 AM: Listen to the priest give a long winded version of the same story you've heard twenty three times.

7:17 AM: Begin a line for communion. Be excited that it's almost over.

7:21 AM: Curse under your breath about how the line hasn't moved yet.

7:27 AM: Receive communion. Wonder if you are now forgiven for "the dead hooker incident" you were a part of last weekend.

7:31 AM: Go back to your seat standing area. Wait for the priest to say "...and peace be with you!" You know that means its leaving time.

7:35 AM: Grow increasingly pissed as the priest talks about church events you would never in a million years attend.

7:39 AM: Guest speaker? You gotta be fucking kidding me.

7:46 AM: And peace be with you, mother fucker! Thank God for letting this hell be over with!

7:47 AM: Feel bad for your actions throughout the service, then see a cougar in a sundress and forget what you were thinking about.

7:56 AM: Get in car. Request that everyone goes out for breakfast.

7:57 AM: Plead for an actual breakfast and not just fucking bagels.

7:58 AM: Cheer as your dad gives in.

7:55 AM: Wait in line to get out of the now full Walgreens parking lot. Hear your mom say condescending comments about people that won't let your dad into the go lane.

8:09 AM: Arrive at local breakfast shop. Wait outside as you stomach yells at you.

8:14 AM: Text your friends about how horrible church was. Wait for replies.

8:22 AM: Receive no replies. Assume they are suffering a similar fate.

8:25 AM: Get pissed when people are called before you. Suspect that they must have some sort of an in with the hostess. Curse God.

8:40 AM: Sit down in booth too small for your family. Salivate over the menu like a porno mag.

8:43 AM: Order a bloody mary. Have your first and middle name be yelled out by your mom.

8:47 AM: Order the biggest meal possible and chow down like a Feed The Hungry kid.

8:59 AM: Regret eating so much.

9:03 AM: Make small talk with your mom about how beautiful the service was. Lie a bunch.

9:13 AM: Leave the restaurant and go home. Listen to more shitty dad music.

9:30 AM: Walk into room and immediately collapse on bed.

9:33 AM: Get yelled at by your mom for wrinkling your new clothes.

9:35 AM: Change into your Bad Religion t-shirt.

9:36 AM: Nap like you've never napped before.

And that right there is an accurate time line of what Easter Sunday is like for the average twentysomething. Some of these incidents may or may not have been inspired by actual events. God bless and peace be with you!
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