Wednesday, May 3, 2006

No. 08 "That Guy."

Being of college age, everyone knows "that guy." He can be an asshole, dumbass, assmuncher, ass-fag, or any other negative connotation of the word ass. He is never invited to parties, but somehow always is there. He acts like he has tons of friends, but everyone around him seems to want to kick him in the fucking throat. Here are some ways to spot "that guy."

That Guy and Girls:
He goes up to every girl at the party and hits on them. It doesn't matter how out of his league they are, he doesn't care. He tells the lamest jokes that you heard in 8th grade and didn't even laugh at then. No matter how disgusted girls act towards him he doesn't get it. "Oh, she'll be screaming my name later. Ah ha ha ha." No she will not, her boyfriend will ass rape you if you hit on her again. He can also be "the cockblocker" which some of you have heard of.

That Guy and Beer:
He conveniently never has any money for beer even though he brags about his $150 jacket. "You guys are getting some more beer? I'll throw down." He never throws down and he drinks more beer than anyone, but only drinks half of each beer like a pussy because he forgets where he put it down. "Fuck it, I didn't pay for it, I'll do another keg-stand!"

That Guy and Annoyance:
Hey, its a party, its all about meeting new people and having fun. But that guy loves to annoy the shit out of everyone, especially you. He has to tell you his lame, totally made up stories. Every time you say something he has to one-up you. "Oh, you've won 7 games of beer pong? One time me and my friend one 20 straight games and weren't even drunk." You are a fucking liar, burn in hell. He is also the guy that "pants" random people because he thinks its "so funny." He always has the most annoying laugh in the world.

That Guy and Music:
He always has the worst taste in music and talks about shitty bands that nobody likes. He will go through your CDs and find something he likes and change the music. Why would he do this? Because he doesn't fucking care. "Naw man, Limp Bizkit is totally party music." Make sure to have someone watch the stereo and if a guy that resembles a douche bag walks up and tries to change the music, throw a rock at his head.

That Guy and Cheating:
He will cut in line in beer pong. He thinks that if he puts his name on the side of the list and points an arrow above everyone that means he is in front. No, this is considered cutting and where I come from if you cut, you get cut (stabbed.) I don't know what loop hole in the official beer pong rules you think you found, but you are going to the back of the line, buddy. He also cuts in line for the keg and tries to put his cup above yours. Nice try, but I was here before you. Your little trick isn't going to work, bitch.

That Guy and Clumsiness:
He is the clumsiest drunk there is. He'll beer bong half a beer and fall over and knock over your grandma's earn. "Whoa, whoops man, totally sorry." He just walks away, no big deal. Its not his house, so he can do whatever he wants. He's too lazy to lift up the seat so he pisses all over it. He'll go into your room and lay on your bed, watching your TV while spilling beer on your down comforter.

That Guy and Invites:
Somehow this douche bag found out about the party and he decided to bring all his equally lame and loud friends (all dudes of course.) This is the worst thing that can happen to a party. You see the door open and you see: dude, dude, dude, dude, dude, and more dudes. They didn't bring any girls, money, or alcohol. They are the worst kind of people. The Moochers.

I hope this tips helped you, and the next time you're at a party you can point out this guy and have him beaten. And if you were reading this and realized that you are "that guy," you should have a Drain-O shake, they're really good for you, I swear.

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