Wednesday, November 22, 2006

No. 27 "How To Ruin Thanksgiving."

You're home for Thanksgiving and haven't seen your family or relatives in months. It is a time for great conversations, great food, and assuring you will never be in any of your relatives wills. Here's my guide to help with that...

Wrestle Your Grandpa:
Your Grandpa will come up to you with a big smile and wanna give you a loving hug. But instead of hugging him, tackle him. He's in a wheelchair? Too bad! Then try to pin him. Ignore your screaming grandma, you've got to show him who's boss. Pin him to the ground, call him a bitch, and then have an appetizer.

Get Wasted:
So you're 20 years old and still sit at the fucking kid's table? You wanna party anyways. You may not be able to drink wine, but you can spike your gay ass apple cider. And while you're at it, spike your 6 year old cousin's too. He'll thank you once he gets out of the hospital.

Ask to Say Grace:
Grace is a sacred tradition before Thanksgiving dinner. But instead of saying what your thankful for, say what your pissed off at God for. The F you got in Econ, your girlfriend who cheated on you, and the herpes you contracted from her fat friend. This should spark some fun conversation among your relatives.

Never Pass the Sides:
The Thanksgiving table is an ever-moving side entree fiasco. Make it a game and try to get all the sides. Each side is worth one point, and the turkey is worth 5. Try to attain them all and never pass it to your relatives. Once you get all of them, run away and throw them in the backyard. Scream "Reparations!" and then quietly return to the dinner table.

Embarrass Your Mom:
Your mom probably hates your dad's mom so tell a little anecdote about how your mom despises your grandma. Make sure to use plenty of expletives. Once you are done embarrassing your mother, excuse yourself and use the bathroom.

Hit On Your Cousin:
Make sure it's in front of your relatives. Tell her you saw it in a French movie once and it was way hot. Plus you're only related by blood. She's only twelve? Too bad for her. You only have boy cousins? Too bad for you.

This will be a very memorable Thanksgiving for you and your whole family and after you follow my guide it will make sure you're not invited to any more family events, which are totally lame anyways. Good luck!

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