Tuesday, December 18, 2007

No. 42 "Things I've Learned in College 2."

As promised I have come up with more things I've learned in college. They may not be important, but I'll remember them much longer than anything I learned in Art 101.

  • Writing your name on the side of the beer pong list and drawing an arrow to the top doesn't fool anyone you tool.
  • Having a friend give you a drunken haircut looks good at the time... not so much in the morning
  • If you don't have tits, expect to wait at least 5 minutes for a damn drink at the bar.
  • A fake ID will get you further in college than a scholarship.
  • Roommates are a good source of free food.
  • Trying to jump on a ledge to impress people may end up with you breaking your hand.
  • The guy with the Affliction shirt and sunglasses on at the party will always hit on your girlfriend.
  • Nothing can stop a hungry pothead from eating the 3 week old burrito in the fridge.
  • Dudes will use the trash can as a toilet if the bathroom line is too long.
  • You will catch your roommate whacking it at least once a semester.
  • Only hot girls can cut in the keg line.
  • You have never been to Del Taco when it was light out.
  • Your cell phone will be lost or broken at least three times over the course of your college career.
  • Adderol is like crack in Compton come finals week.
  • "Don't Stop Believing" will play at every party/bar you go to.
  • When you are having a party at your place, you can be the biggest asshole to anyone.
  • You will never wake up after a night at the bars and be surprised how little you spent.
  • The best way to remember a girl's name that you forgot is to ask her to put her number in your phone. "Thanks... Carly?"
  • Kegs are heavy, do not lift them over your head.
  • Everyone has a friend that can do the "fastest beer bong." He is never around though.
  • Dudes that long board to class are douche bags. Go back to Laguna!

There you go, some more valuable facts that us college students have learned outside of the classroom. Party on!

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

No. 41 "Paddy Math."

I am not a fan of math. Numbers aren't really my thing, but I believe that Paddy Math will get anyone to love this subject usually only reserved for Asians and Dungeons and Dragons players...

Hot Girl + Shirt + Water = Awesome.

Hot Wings + Toilet - T.P. = Ruined Linen Towel.

1 Girl ÷ 2 Guys = "Eiffel Tower."

2 Girls ÷ 1 Guy = Yessss.

2 Girls + 1 Cup = Mom doesn't find it funny.

Keg - Beer = Shitty Party.

Tequila + 8 Tacos = Ruined Spring Break.

Drinking + Driving = Fun Time/Jail.

Sex - Condom = Herpes.

Obesity + Glasses - Confidence = Virgin.

Popped Collar + Highlighted Hair + Tribal Tat = D Bag.

Zoo = No Fun.

Zoo + Beer = Fun.

Zoo + Beer + Drunk and fall over fence = Food for Tigers.

Strip club + Lap dance + Lap Dance + Lap Dance = Overdrawn Account.

Freshman + Beer Bong = Barf.

Laundry + Dorm Dryer = New clothes for little brother.

Beauty + Sanity + Single = DOES NOT COMPUTE.

So, there is your first Paddy Math lesson, I hope you will be able to use these skills to avoid herpes, jail and being eaten by a tiger in the future.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

No. 40 "Things I've Learned In College."

I'm about to go into my 8th semester of college and I've learned a lot over the years. But what you learn in the classroom isn't the only important thing you will take with you once you leave for the real world... here's some outside-the-classroom things I've learned over the years

-When black out drunk, a sticky kitchen floor is just as comfortable as a temper-pedic.

-Tailgating does not mean you have to go to the game.

-Throwing up after drinking all night means you are sober again.

-What happens in Mexico is spread all over Facebook.

-The only important sport is Beer Pong.

-Ramen Noodles + Taco Bell mild sauce = Delicious.

-Asian kids are smart, sit next to them in class.

-A Doritos's bag is just as good as a condom... as long as the girl doesn't know your name or number.

-Nothing can cure a wine hangover.

-Sinks = Urinals.

-Don't get blackout during parents weekend.

-A Diamond is forever. And so is herpes, so stay away from that wing of the sorority house... just kidding

-Don't introduce family members to friends who always talk about wanting to "meet your mom and sister."

-80% of professors have facial hair... including female professors.

-People dressed up as police officers on Halloween are most likely real cops. (Do not pat them on the back)

-You will not enjoy your power hour... but your friends will

-Your white board on your dorm door will not be there after the first weekend.

-Taking a shit and sending a picture of it on your phone to a friend is just as good as a gift basket.

-The "Walk of Shame" is best when a crowd is around.

-Bets that you make while your drunk always resurface later.

-Pretending to talk on your cell phone when someone you hate walks in your direction is basically a force field.

-Things like 2 Girls 1 Cup actually exist and entertain drunk people.

-With anal sex: Forgiveness is easier than permission.

There we go, I'm sure most (all) of us have learned these important facts in college... Its worth that $10,000 a year, isn't it?

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

No. 39 "How To Make Friends. (On Campus)"

Making friends in college can be hard, its a new environment for a lot of people and can be a culture shock. Now, I met most of my friends at parties and social events, but you can make just as many friends walking around on campus. Here are some unhelpful, tongue-in-cheek tips...

The Bookstore Lady:
Say you're picking up some books and you come to the cashier and there stands in front of you the bookstore lady. She's 24, still in college, and has two kids. But, she's still a blast to kick it with, as long as you like watching Oprah and eating Ben & Jerry's.

The Food Court Guy:
This is the ex-con in his late twenties that works at one of the fabulous five star dining establishments on campus. He's tatted up and hasn't smiled since the 90's, but chillin' in his Mom's basement doing meth is so much fun!

The Students For Christ:
Every campus has the group of grinning Christians that set up shop spreading the word of that bearded dude. They are easy going and always invite you to awesome events. All these events do not include: promiscuous women, alcohol, good music, or fun.

The Protesters:
These are the crazy hippies that group up around campus spreading "information" that they just looked up on Wikipedia. A good way to introduce yourself is: "Hi, my name is so-and-so and I hate Bush." Your times together will be eventful and shower-free.

Your Professors:
The best way to make friends with your professors is to attend class (which I don't recommend) But, if you do this and bring up Socrates or Freud you will have the best of times while wearing matching sweater vests.

The Janitor:
To be friends with the janitors you first have to crack their secret language which sounds kind of like Spanish. Once you do this, make sure throw your lunch on the ground to get their attention, then bring up a conversation about mops. They will appreciate your straight forward approach.

The Gay/Straight Alliance:
Also a group that's on campus passing our fliers to events no one wants to go to. These guys and gals are fun, but if you are a fan of saying fag, homo, or lezbo, they may not be the best of friends for you. Also, don't hang around them when Students for Christ is watching... Bad News.

The Young Republicans:
These well dressed future business douches are usually quite picky about the people they surround themselves with, but since they have lost power in congress, they are allowing more members. Take advantage of that, and have fun not laughing and counting your money while watching Fox News (Warning: They do not like blacks, gays, Mexicans or independent thinkers.)

So there you go, you have your first new college friends. They may not be your stereotypical college friends, but I have just stereotyped everyone on campus, so I'm going to hell. Later!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

No. 38 "How To Piss Off Your R.A."

Now, its been a while since I've lived in the dorms, but my memories of RA's are still vivid. Basically RA's are the biggest losers on campus, they're usually 22 year old nerds that don't drink or party and jack off to cartoon porn. Here are some ways to make their lives miserable.

Fuck his girlfriend
-She is probably ugly and/or fat, but it will be worth it once he comes into his room to see you on top of his woman and all her rolls.

Put weed in his room
-RA's hate drugs and call the cops whenever they smell incense. Get a bag of some shitty weed, hide it in his room and then make an anonymous phone call to the cops... they will take care of the rest.

Duct Tape his door shut.
-In the middle of the night get some duct tape and completely cover his door with it so he can't get out. Do this every couple days. He'll be late for his classes and fail out of school.

Fart in his room
Simple and easy, every time you have to fart, just walk on in, say hello, and let 'er rip. Eating pounds of cabbage and cheese will make it more fun.

Order shit on his phone
Ask to borrow his phone, and grab his credit card. Then buy some medication from a commercial, some "urban" ring tones and the Ab-fex 3000. He will be delightfully surprised until he gets his credit card bill.

Replace all his liquids with mustard
-This one takes some time, but its well worth it. Get a huge jug of mustard and replace all his shit with it. Instead of fruity shampoo he has a head full of mustard. Instead of brushing his teeth with minty toothpaste, he gets a mouth full of mustard. And instead of jacking off with KY, he'll have a dick covered in mustard.

Spill your drink on his computer
This will be an accident. Just come into his room bullshitting about the last episode of Heroes or something and then... oops! my drink fell on your computer. This will break his computer and all his cartoon porn will be gone.

Punch him in the fucking face.
-And run away

Hopefully these tips will help ruin your RA's day and/or week, and will kill time in between classes. Good luck my friends.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

No. 37 "Types of Friends."

Being a man of twenty one years I have realized that I have a lot of different types of friends. No friend is the same, read and I'm sure you have some of these friends too.

The Inside Joke
You and this friend can talk for days about shit that you both find hilarious but everyone else has no fucking idea what you're talking about. Its like a different language. "Holey socks!" "Ha ha ha... that's almost as funny as "Rebecca the robot" Yeah, see.

The Connection
This is your friend that always knows about parties. They are either on their way to a party, at a party, or know of seven parties. They are very useful and usually the first one you call to find a party.

The Mooch
You go with your friend to get some food or a club and they magically never have money. "Don't worry bro, I got ya next time." Next time he forgot his wallet. Great.

The Shit Show
I have a few of these friends. What ever you guys do together he needs to get his drink on. He's basically an alcoholic but would not be much fun sober... which you've never seen him be. It was normal at parties and tailgates, but who needs a shot of Jager at my little cousin's school play?

The Celeb
This guy is technically your friend but you don't really hang out with him. When you hang out with him its a special occasion and you tell all your other non-celeb friends. He likes you, but not as much as you like him.

The 89er
This is sometimes one of your friends younger brothers or freshmen, but he's cool enough to hang out. "89er" comes from the year most of them were born in. Most of your time is spent explaining what Saved By The Bell was and why Transformers were cool way before the movie.

The Dude With Boobs
This is your female friend that for some reason you are not attracted to at all and confuse with your guy friends. She can drink as much as you, watches football, and has boobs.

The Black Friend
The one or two black guys that hang out with you for some reason. You never miss a chance to take a picture with him and tell all your other white friends about the time he "went ghetto" on someone. You jokingly said the N word around him, your broken nose made sure that never happened again.

The Awesome
This dude is a golden god. You were on the varsity basketball team, he was on the state champion team. When ever you play sports together he makes a fool of you. Surprisingly, he is quite modest, unlike yourself.

The Scruff
This is your friend that refused to shave so he can look older. He is younger than you but looks older than your dad. He may never get laid because of his Grizzly Adams beard, but he can get into the club and you cant.

The Ferris Van Morris
This friend of yours has everything handed to him and acts like its no big deal. He's like Ferris Bueller, Zach Morris and Van Wilder mixed into one unstoppable dude.

You are confused why this douche is even your friend, but he is always around. Poker with the guys, he's there, just douching it up. His jokes are horrible and he is just a piece of shit, but he's your buddy, so yeah.

The Treasure Holder
This dude is cool, don't get me wrong. But, the only reason you kick it with him is when family weekend rolls around you can make a move on his hot sister. After you accomplish the feat, your friendship will suddenly diminish.

The Unstoppable Pimp
Similar to the Get Anything Friend, he gets any girl he wants. He's been with ten times the amount of girls as you but is clean by some miracle by God. Oh you like that girl? He nailed her last semester, when she was skinnier.

The Tank
This is your biggest friend. He is the size of Jerome Bettis. Whenever you're out with him you feel like you can talk shit to anyone. The only fights you get in are with him having your back. You never get a punch in, but who cares, you won.

The Grandpa
This friend is older so you always give him nicknames like "Blue" and "Old Man River." He acts like he doesn't care but one day he's gonna beat you with his cane. This friend is usually only 2.5 years older than you. Also, this is what The 89er calls you behind your back.

The Fucking Woman
You are almost positive that this dude is a chick. He gets his eyebrows waxed, takes baths and is dramatic as fuck... but he can still kick your ass.

The Smart Stoner
Just as it sounds, this friend smokes 5 pounds of weed a day but has double your GPA. He will smoke a bowl before a test for good luck... and it will work.

The Pop Culture Clusterfuck
As soon as Napoleon Dynamite was out he was all over that shit, quoting it every day. He watches 13 hours of TV a day and knows everything about everything that isn't important at all.

The Pussy
This is your friend that is in a long term relationship and can never go out. "Yo man, we're going to the bar, lets go!" Um... me and the girl are gonna watch Maid In Manhattan, sorry man." You sometimes wonder if assassinating his girlfriend would be that bad of an idea.

So there it is, I have very diverse and crazy friends, and each of these can relate to one of my friends... so go ahead and guess who you are.

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

No. 36 "Just A Friend."

In the life of a single man every day is a new day to pick up a chick. They're at parties, campus, and AA meetings, they're everywhere. But one thing that sucks the most is becoming "just friends" with a girl. Once you're just friends, there is no chance of her ever hooking up with you. Just lots of shopping and hugging. Here are some signs you have become just friends...

She asks if you want to go shopping:
Now, unless you are a girl or gay there is no need for shopping. Men go to the store "to buy shit" nothing more. If she asks if you want to go shopping she's basically saying "Why don't you watch me try on clothes so I can impress other guys, not you."

She says "Aw you're adorable:"
Unless you are a puppy or an infant, adorable is as bad as her calling you a loser. Once you are "Adorable" in her book, get used to baby-sitting her little brother while she goes out to bone some guy that isn't "Adorable."

She tries to set you up with one of her ugly friends:
C'mon now, Bertha? She's like could be a middle linebacker for USC! This is a definite No-No.

She asks you favors:
If a girl is into you, she will most likely be too scared to ask you to do things. Once she gives you a list of stuff to do and a cute smiley face at the end of the note, you know you're done for. (p.s. This will happen once you're married, only no smiley face.)

She talks about other dudes:
"Well Jimmy was at the party and totally ignoring me and I was like Oh My God and... blah blah blah." Fuck Other Dudes, even your own friends. You shouldn't care about any guy she talks about, they are all working from the inside trying to get with her. While you're watching The View with her on Wednesday afternoons, they're fucking her best friend to make her jealous.

She invites you over to watch Desperate Housewives:
You're fucking Mom watches this God awful show. Does your mom wanna fuck you? Don't think so... or at least I hope not. Her inviting you over to watch Desperate Housewives is the same as her inviting you over for a manicure.

You take care of her when she gets drunk:
And when I say "take care of," it has nothing to do with sex. Nothing. This involves you: carrying her to her room, holding her hair when she pukes, cleaning up the puke, and not having sex with her. This is her sorority sister's job!

You grab her boob and she screams:
Actually... you are no longer "just a friend." You are now "just a sex offender."

She always brings up her ex:
Her ex is not a "nice guy," he is an asshole, unlike yourself. He banged her and cheated on her, and she still thinks about him all the time and wants him back. You are nice to her all the time, write her love letters in your diary and would never cheat on her. This is why you are "just a friend." Hang out with her ex and take notes.

She tries to set you up with one of her gay friends:
Get OUT.

Now hopefully these tips will help you escape a life of holding this hottie in your arms as she cries about the asshole who screwed her and left her. We all know, that asshole should be YOU.

Monday, March 12, 2007

No. 35 "Spring Break To-Do List."

Spring break is a wonderful time in every 18-25 year old's life where they get shit faced, have unprotected sex with strangers, and bribe Mexican police officers. Here is a list of what every college-age guy wants to happen on spring break, and what mostly likely will happen.

Round up all your buddies and girls and get a bad ass mansion on the beach!
-Get a shitty motel room without air conditioning miles away from the beach and bars.

Fuck one of those chicks from Girls Gone Wild
-Fuck a Tijuana hooker who may or may not have both parts.

Get flashed by many hot girls
-Get flashed by an old Mexican woman.

Get drunk but still have a great time
-Get belligerent the first hour and throw up the rest of the trip.

Don't go to jail
-Go to jail. Do not collect $200.

Don't drink the water
-"Nah man, that's a myth" followed by "Aagghhh, fuck man my barf is orange!"

Spend only $50 the whole trip
-Empty your bank account on bribing cops, illicit drugs and lap dances

Get on to MTV
-Get onto MTV3: The Tres

Eat some delicious Mexican cuisine
-Eat someone's dog or cat

Sneak back into the US with some pills
-Get anally probed by a drug-sniffing dog

Wear sunscreen when outside
-Forget the sunscreen and tell everyone that "lobster red" is the new bronze

"Don't worry mom, I'll be good."
-"Mom... can you bail me out of jail?"

I'm gonna Surf it up, brosef
-Try to surf, end up looking like a jackass, get stung by jellyfish

Only have 3 shots of Absinthe
-Chug the whole bottle, end up forgetting your childhood

So, hopefully you all have a safe and STD-free spring break this year, remember you can only be a drunk, immature jackass in another country but once a year!

Friday, January 19, 2007

No. 34 "How To Pick Up A Girl With A Boyfriend."

Don't you hate it when you start talking to a girl at a bar/party/urinal and you hit on her only to find out she has a boyfriend? Well boyfriends are just speed bumps in the game of life. You have to bring down her most likely stronger, cooler and better looking boyfriend so you can bang her. Tips...

He drives a cool car:
Fuck him. You probably drive a shitty car, and don't know shit about cars in the first place, but pretend you do. "Oh he has a 2005 Mustang? Well I have a 2009." "Um… I have a relative that works for Ford and he got me the super new model." "No, I swear to fucking God!" (That should assure she believes you.)

He's an athlete:
Jocks are lame and they are usually first in the picking order for hot babes. He's a tight-end for ASU? Pfft… I guess he wasn't good enough for quarterback. Don't worry that the two positions are completely different, she doesn't know anything about football.

He's in a gang:
Gangs are so 1995. Ask her how many bandannas he owns.

He's gonna be a firefighter:
This is a tough one because these guys are actually pretty badass, but you want this girl so you need to find a way to bring him down. Try this: "Pfft… yeah well I heard firemen beat black people" Although this is actually LAPD, she will believe you because she is a dumb girl. Anyways, most wannabe firefighters end up dropping out and work at Discount Tire.

He's in the Army:
Another hard one. Tell her that the army is for gays, (even though that's the Navy) and that her boyfriend's "army friends" are all part of a gay orgy club. Yeah… she'll believe that. Plus, we all know real men join the Marines. (That one's for you Damian)

He does charity work for kids:
He helps people? Ha ha. Tell her he probably works with kids because he has Michael Jackson complex.

He plays an instrument:
Yeah well, is he in a band? Oh he is? Well, I bet they suck. He's the lead singer? Your boyfriend is Anthony Keitis? Fuck.

He's in Greenpeace:
You actually don't have to lie to her on this one. Just let her know that her boyfriend is gay.

He's right next to me:

Tuesday, January 2, 2007

No. 33 "A Converstation Between..."

Do you ever imagine what it would be like if some of your favorite characters from TV all met? I do, every day. Yeah, I have no life, but this is exactly what it would be like if Zach Morris (Saved By The Bell), Cory Matthews (Boy Meets World), and Michelle Tanner (Full House) all met.

Location: Detention

Zach: God, I hate detention
Cory: Yeah, me too.
Zach: Who are you dude? I've never seen you before
Cory: I'm Cory
Zach: Sup
Michelle: I'm Michelle!
Zach: What the fuck? Aren't you like six?
Michelle: Six and a half! (Audience laughs)
Zach: Where is that noise coming from?
Cory: I don't know, but I miss my Topanga
Zach: Topanga? Hmm... I think I know her
Cory: Yeah she's my girlfriend, the best girl ever
Zach: Big tits?
Cory: Uh...
Zach: Yeah, I think I boned her like 5 months back.
Cory: What?!
Zach: Yeah, she's alright. Could lose a couple L.B.'s though. Anyways, how does my hair look?
Cory: What the fuck man?!
Michelle: You said a bad word. (Audience laughs)
Cory: Shut the fuck up you precocious little bitch!
Michelle: I'm telling!
Zach: Who are you gonna tell? And I still don't know why you're in high school detention... I could be your fucking father.
Cory: Yeah right, that would mean you were having sex when you were like 11
Zach: Yeah.. and...
Cory: Fucking A! Topanga said she wanted to wait until marriage
Zach: She didn't say that to me... all she said was "harder"
Cory: I fucking hate you.
Michelle: I wuv everyone! (Audience awes)
Zach: Seriously, is there a live studio audience here or is that the mushrooms kicking in?
Cory: I can't believe you fucked my girlfriend!
Zach: I can't believe she swallowed
Cory: I'm gonna fucking kill myself
Michelle: I have to go potty!
Cory: Then fucking go you little brat!
Michelle: That's not very nice... (Audience Awes)
Zach: Definitely the 'shrooms...
Michelle: Whats "shrooms?"
Zach: Its a magical thing you eat and then you go on adventures with Scooby Doo
Michelle: I want some!
Zach: (hands her some 'shrooms) Here ya go
Cory: Dude, don't give her those, she's only a kid
Zach: What ev man, I nailed your girlfriend
Michelle: Ha ha, he nailed your girlfriend
Cory: Oh my God, this is the worst day of my life
Zach: Chill out man, eat some 'shrooms
Cory: No way, those are bad for you
Zach: Yeah, so is chlamydia, but I don't sweat it
Cory: Good god...
Michelle: You're in big trouble Mister! (Audience Laughs)
Cory: What the fuck? Why'd you say that? It had nothing to do with anything
Michelle: You got it, dude (Audience Laughs)
Cory: Now you're just saying random shit
Michelle: Uh oh! (Audience Laughs)
Cory: I hope you get an eating disorder
Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...