Tuesday, September 12, 2006

No. 22 "How To Trick A Girl."

You're having a girl over your dorm/apartment to watch a movie or for a study sesh or whatever and you really wanna get with her, but you don't know how to make the move from your home court. Its easy at some random frat party because girls go to those with condoms in their back pockets, but this is different. Here are some tips for turning your average co-ed get together into an all night fuck fest:

Steal Her Keys:
You have this young lady in your room and you want her to stay the night but you're not sure if she wants to stay. This is what you have to do, when she goes to the bathroom go through her purse and find her keys. Hide them. If she catches you going through her purse change the subject and demand she give you back your sweater from last semester. She will be confused because she didn't even know you last semester so hopefully she'll forget about the whole going-through-the-purse fiasco. Once she realizes that she doesn't have her keys, help her look for them even though you're smirking because they're in your pocket. She won't be able to drive or get into her place so she'll be forced to stay the night in your loving arms.

The Weather is Horrible:
This is all in God's hands. So pray to God that he gets you laid, if he wants you to get laid he'll have a tornado inside of a hurricane nestled inside a box of blizzards. But... you may have to exaggerate the weather conditions or tell her a story of your imaginary friend that died walking back home in the rain. Using monsters and serial killers in your stories helps too.

"Special" Tea:
Girls love tea so go make her a nice cup of tea. But instead of boiled water use Everclear. If she complains about the taste, get all uppity with her and tell her it's your dead grandma's special recipe. She will drink it all out of pity and within 20 minutes you will have a completely wasted girl in your room. And remember roofies are illegal so don't use them unless you get her permission.

Sympathy Vote:
This is for all you Emo kids out there. Girls love to empathize. So come up with a bullshit story about how lonely you are and how you need to be with someone tonight. Don't go too psycho though, we don't want her calling the suicide hot-line.

Broken Doorknob:
This only works in dorms since there is usually only one door. When you close the door, break the doorknob. That way you're both stuck and you pretty much have to have sex. Doorknobs are only like twenty bucks and you've got plenty of Easy Mac dinners to keep you both from starving.

Make It Obvious:
While you're both studying or hanging out make sure she knows you wanna bone. Start by playing some Marvin Gaye. Girls can't resist his music and clothes should come off after the third or fourth song. Tell her to get you a pen in your desk drawer. Instead of pens in the drawer, fill it with condoms, all Magnums. This will show you are prepared and she will think highly of you. Then leave your cell phone next to her. Girls love going through our shit. She'll go through your pictures and make sure to have a picture of your dick. This will definitely turn her on. Then in the middle of your rented copy of "Failure to Launch" that you didn't want to see in the first place change the DVD to a hardcore porn. She will see the porn and want to emulate it. Congratulations, you just got laid!

In the end, you need to change this good natured hang out between "friends" into a night of regret and embarrassment for her. And if none of my tips work... kill yourself. No, just kidding you should just severely injure yourself.

Tuesday, September 5, 2006

No. 21 "How To Break Up With Yourself."

I know how it is. You're dating a girl and you just get to a point where you get tired of them and want to break up. But, you want to avoid the crying and/or punching that will result in the break up. There's a solution: Break up with yourself. Do or say things that will make her hate you and never want to talk to you again. Thus, you are left without the guilt of breaking her heart. Here are some tips:

  • Change you phone number and "forget" to tell her. "Oh, I'm sorry honey I forgot to give you my new number. Yeah I guess it has been two weeks since we've seen each other, how silly of me."
  • Agree to do favors for her and the don't do them. "Sure I'll pick you up from the airport." Don't go and then pretend that she never told you in the first place.
  • Point out how hot other girls are when you are both out doing things or just tell her that her sister is better looking than her.
  • If she has gained weight since you started dating her, point out older pictures and "how thin she was back then." If she hasn't gained weight find really old pictures of her. "I was in 7th grade then!" "Well, you looked good."
  • Send her a text message saying "I can't wait to see you tonight, Sally." Her name is Jessica.
  • Call out the wrong name in bed. Use her mother's name.
  • If you are in a pretty new relationship tell her you love her. This is pretty much relationship poison.
  • Sob uncontrollably.
  • Find something she is really against and do that. Beat small animals or start smoking, what ever makes her tick.
  • Call her "woman" instead of "baby" or "honey." Telling her that "doing dishes and making dinner is her job" also works.
  • Tell her that you hate all her friends and she can only be friends with your friends.
  • Stop shaving, gain some weight, stop brushing your teeth and showering. This should make you completely undesirable and undateable.
  • And if none of that works, just start dating other girls without telling her and then once she finds out tell her you're a polygamist.
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