Tuesday, December 1, 2009

No. 88 "Viva Las Vegas."

Ah, Las Vegas, the city of angels. Oh, wait... the city of brotherly love? No, that's not right. Well, its the city of something. Anyway, nothing gets a twentysomething more excited than a weekend trip to Las Vegas with a few of his closest friends and one dude he pretends to like because he's driving. Once you make it to Vegas, though, there is no telling what will happen in those 48 hours, which is why Las Vegas is awesome. Here are a few tips to make your trip to the city of sin even better.

Large Cups of Alcohol:
A twelve ounce cup of beer? What are you, some sort of pussy? 100 ounces or bust! I want my cup to be taller than most toddlers. Who cares if it's forty-eight dollars and is mostly juice, I've got something to prove. Don't you want to take that sweet picture of you and all your buddies holding up your over sized cups in unison? If you are low on cash, you can make your own large cup of alcohol by emptying half of a 2 liter of Pepsi and adding cheap whiskey to it. It may not look as cool, but it'll get the job done. And after drinking the long cup o' alcohol you can use it as a sword to drunkenly fight your friends in the casino before getting kicked out by unamused pit bosses.

Buying Drugs From Friendly Black Dudes:
OK, fine, they aren't all black dudes. Some are Mexican. We all know that if you do drugs in Vegas, it cannot show up on your toxicology report because What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas. Its simple science, really. But you can bet that while you are walking around the strip, a friendly man of color will ask you if you "want to party." When I was approached, I assumed he was inviting me to some sort of suburban house party. But he later explained that "partying" is sniffing cocaine through your nostrils. Pretending to be an undercover cop seems to scare these gentlemen away. Didn't know he could run that fast.

Kind of a strange name for these intelligent young ladies. They don't really escort anyone. Their name should probably be dick suckers or hand job aficionados. Maybe that name doesn't roll off the tongue quite as well, but it makes much more sense. You will find these kind women all over the Las Vegas strip. They tend not to pay much attention to you while you're in the food court eating McDonalds for the third time that day or while winning big at the penny slots. Many of these escorts will pose as legitimate females at clubs and bars, but once you get them into your hotel room for all-night make out session, they will start giving you a price breakdown for her "services." 500 bucks for anal? Not bad at all! Here's my mom's credit card.

It's just like an arcade, but instead of winning tickets, you lose all your money and get dragged and beaten by hotel security whence you throw your glass at the dealer. Everyone seems to have their own system. If its roulette, they always go with black, and after losing five spins in a row they put it all on red, then lose the rest of their money. Sports betting is fun because you get to watch for three hours as your money dwindles away because your favorite basketball player is a "mother fucking piece of shit." Slots are the best because you get to sit down and don't have to be bothered by casino employees trying to wake you up from your drunken slumber. You can also gamble more times for less money. Penny slots!

Bed Situation:
Unless you're one of those guys with a "real job," you'll probably be fitting six guys in a two bed hotel. There are many different ways to figure out sleeping arrangements. You can have a wrestling competition where whoever passes out from a choke hold ends up sleeping where they lay, or you could all bite the bullet and sleep in the same bed as another dude. I know, right now no man would admit to sleeping in the same bed as another dude. But, we've all done it. The floor just isn't that comfortable and if your bodies never touch, its not gay. If they do touch, its not that big of a deal. And if they try to touch your wiener its... oh wait! I'll be sleeping in the bath tub.

This is the best place to pick up chicks/hookers that pretend to be chicks. First, you have to pay the VIP cover. I know $5000 is a little expensive for a couple hours of partying. But, you get two bottles of vodka that retail for a grand total of $80. What a deal! The dress code is a bit different, though. Bouncers will not find it funny if you try to get into the club with a wet swim suit or a souvenir hat. They will probably take away your beer mug sunglasses and tell you that you have to wear dress shoes instead of flip flops. Once you get in though, that's the real fun. Hot girls will come up to your VIP table and be really, really nice. They will be so nice that you will forget that they drank all your vodka and left once you invited them to your super nice room at Circus Circus.

Pitying The Locals:
People that live in Las Vegas are like employees on cruise ships. You think that it would be awesome to live there and party all the time, but you don't stop and realize that once you live in Vegas, there is no going back. Lets forget about the massive drug, gambling and sex addictions that are bound to happen and remember that everyone that lives in Vegas works on the strip. Look it up. These kind souls have to get to serve you breakfast at 4 AM, and are privileged to see you have fun with all your friends while they work the graveyard shift at the Tropicana. Everything is catered to the tourists, while the locals get the scraps. So next time you are doing a line of coke off of a toilet, make sure to clean it up for that janitor that once had big dreams in the city of sin.

Who needs to brush their teeth on vacation? I'm sure all that alcohol will kill my gingivitis. You'll need a couple pairs of underwear though, because there is a ninety five point seven percent chance you will piss or shit yourself during one of your night's stay in the city of sin. And there is nothing more awkward than having to ask a buddy to borrow a pair of boxers. When it comes to contraception, there is no need for condoms or abstinence. The best way to be safe while fornicating is a half-empty Dorito's Salsa Verde bag. It will make sure you don't contract any diseases and it's extra spicy for her pleasure. Your lady friend will thank you after her pelvic exam.

There are some important pointers for going on a trip to Las Vegas. It is important to follow these guidelines if you want your man-cation or impromptu road trip to be a success. There are plenty of places you can go to for 48 hours of fun, but only one place where you can chug over sized guitars filled with liquor, max out your mother's credit card on women of the night, and converse with janitors that catch you railing lines of coke off of toilet seats. After all, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Also, don't forget to take a picture of yourself with your arms spread wide as you act like the world is yours while the strip is in the background. Before even taking the picture you know its gonna be your new Facebook profile pic.

Updated 8/4/10

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