Tuesday, December 22, 2009

No. 94 "Sporting Event Etiquette."

Who doesn't love a good 'ol American sporting event? Football, basketball, baseball. Fuck it, I'll even allow hockey since its fun to go to. Soccer still sucks, though. (Sorry Mexicans.) You get to gear up in all your favorite team's overpriced jerseys and hoot and holler as a ball moves from one place to another. There is nothing more fun! Unfortunately for some, they do not know how to behave at a sporting event and tend to text and complain during games. These people are known as women and gay lame dudes. The point of this blog is to teach you folks how to have a grand time while yelling at big black guys and plowing through hot dogs by the dozen.

The alcoholic's favorite part of sporting events. You get to wake up early, set up chairs, TV's and other shit, and then relax and converse with your friends while berating others as they pass in different colored jerseys. Oh, and you drink a shit-ton of alcohol! These sporting events can last up to three and a half hours, so make sure to load up on as much grain alcohol and Milwaukee's Best Ice as you can. Nobody wants to pay $10 for a beer inside the stadium. Also, make sure to puke your brains out before entering the stadium, as lines are frequent for the restrooms. There is also a large selection of healthy foods such as: bratwurst, burgers, chili and sushi. If your particular tailgate doesn't provide food, just wander over to another tailgate, make a comment about defense or something vague and then scarf down all their food. After you are finished, kick over their barbecue set and laugh hysterically while you run back to your tailgate.

T-Shirt Machine Gun:
"Yes! I got a cheap T-shirt with a bunch of sponsored logos on it that is two sizes too big! Fuck yeah!" That's what you'll be saying when you catch a sweet new T-shirt. It was well worth knocking that kid out of his wheel chair for. He won't need it, as he'll be dying very soon. T-shirt machine guns make the boring time-outs fun. A bunch of random dudes and cheerleaders shoot out shirts to crowds of drunk fans. Unfortunately, due to the economy, many sports teams had to cut expenses and limit their t-shirt gun arsenal. This means that weak-armed cheerleaders will have to physically throw the shirts, which only end up going about seven feet. The people in the top rows of the stadium (shanties) usually still attempt to catch shirts, even though they never, ever get them. Laugh at these poor fucks as you show them your new over sized T-shirt. The best way to get a free t-shirt is to come to the game without clothing. Even if you don't catch a shirt, a kind fan will give you theirs. Win-win situation!

Starting A Chant:
One of the most fun things to do at a sporting event. Just repeat the same five words in a row and the athletes on the court will play even harder. Try to start an original chant. We've all heard "De-Fense!" and "Here We Go Blank Blank, Here We Go!" Be creative and start a chant that starts a rumor about a player you dislike, such as "Manu Ginobili Fondles Little Kids!" or "Tom Brady Is An Islamic Extremist!" They don't even have to rhyme or make sense. All you need is a group of intoxicated college kids, some body paint, a couple signs and the ability to offend. If you have court-side seats, many of the players will actually be able to hear you, and depending on the athlete, some might even start crying and run away into the locker room. Just because you're an athlete doesn't mean you don't have feelings.

God damn kids should not be allowed within the first five rows of games. Whenever I am watching a sporting event on television, I see all these rich kids playing their Game Boy Pockets and not paying attention to a close basketball game. I want to choke them with their scarf that matches their cardigan. If you have children, do not bring them to the game. They are bound to hear profanities and might even see a titty or two. And we wouldn't want these little bastards getting in our way when a drunk girl flashes the crowd after a home run, now would we? A good way to discourage parents from bringing these demons is to act obnoxious as possible. Spill your beer on them, curse endlessly and follow them to the bathroom. (What happens after that point is up to you.) That way, mommy and daddy will say something like "My word! We are never coming back here again!" Or "I'm calling the fucking police." Hopefully the former.

Every kid remembers going to their first baseball game with their dad. They remember watching their dad have a few too many brews, start a fight with a rival fan, stab them with a rusty screw driver and then get hauled off by the police. Right? It is mandatory for every sports fan to antagonize and mock all opposing fans that attend the game. Some great examples are: to make their best player's name sound effeminate or gay, make fun of their lack of championships, or to just throw a beer in their fucking face. All are equally as effective. When going to a game where you are the minority fan, (i.e. Cardinals home games against the Cowboys) one must not make eye contact, cheer loudly or annoy other home fans. It is basically like being the new guy in prison, you don't want to get noticed. Those that do participate in rowdy types of behavior tend to get batteries thrown at them and kicked down large flights of stairs.

So there are a few helpful tips on how to act when attending a sporting event. I hope you have learned something new and will use this information next time you attend a sporting event. Also remember to follow the agreed upon type of high-five that will be used to celebrate certain instances during the game, bathroom guidelines, (including the "no-talk policy" at urinals) and to hit on cheerleaders until security is called. Go team!

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