Thursday, December 3, 2009

No. 89 "Fake Facebook For Mom."

About two months ago, my mom decided to take the leap and join Facebook. I helped her set up her profile and find some of her old friends that remember me when I was only "this big." I answered any stupid questions she had and I let her out into the wild. She then tried (and failed) to add me as a friend. My sister and brother folded quickly and eventually became friends with my mom. I refused though, my Facebook is where I go to post drunk pictures, write offensive and/or ironic status updates and stalk hot bitches. I couldn't let my mom into this universe. I can see it now: I post a status about what an awesomely drunk weekend I had and my mom would comment with something like: "Honey, I don't think you should drink so much, and I do not like the women you surround yourself with." Or, just a random post: "Sweetheart, Call your mother. She misses you. Love, Mommy." I can just imagine all the rude and sarcastic comments from my "friends." So I decided to make a fake Facebook profile and add my mom as a friend. I don't think she would notice that she's my only friend on the book of face, but would take comfort in reading my delightful status updates that would go something like this:

"Woke up early this Saturday to do some reading."

"Doing the dishes and not just leaving them in the sink."

"Eating my vegetables. They actually aren't that bad!

"I love my mom!"

"Doing some community service because I love to help others."

"Just met a nice, non-whorish girl. I think I'll bring her over for dinner to meet my mom."

"Got my paycheck today and donated it all to underprivileged children."

"Buying Christmas presents early this year so I don't forget my mom's gift again."

"Watching Everybody Loves Raymond instead of going out and getting intoxicated with my irresponsible friends."

"Just saved a puppy. On my way to return him to his owner."

"Cleaning my room and making my bed."

"Shaving my goatee. Mom was right, it makes me look like a drug dealer."

"Watching a cooking show, they should just take lessons from my mom because she's the best cook ever."

"Brushing my teeth."

"Its chilly out today, I better wear a scarf so I don't catch a cold."

"I got invited on a trip to Las Vegas, but I'm not going to go because I wanted to visit my mom instead. Las Vegas is a bad place anyways."

"Eating a hearty breakfast. It's the most important meal of the day."

"Listening to some Barry Manilow."

"Wearing my SWEET new burnt orange sweater my mom gave me. She's right, it does make me look handsome."

"Abstinence is the way to go!"

"Starting this English paper early so I can have my professor proof read it and give me constructive criticism. That way I can re-edit my paper and get a good grade on it!"

"Getting my oil changed on time this time around. Don't want to go 10,000 miles over again."

"CAN'T WAIT to wake up early for work and do a good job and work hard. That way the boss will notice me and I'll get a promotion."

"Just threw away my XBOX and PS3 because they are time wasters and bad for my vision."

"I don't understand why some people choose to drink more than three beers in one evening. Two beers is more than enough for me."

"I'm going to stop cursing because it makes me seem like I am uneducated and crass."

"Studying instead of going out with friends because I go to college to learn, not to party."

"Doing my laundry so my mom doesn't have to do six loads by herself."

"I quit smoking. It really is a dirty habit and girls hate it."

"Can't wait for Church tonight! Gonna be religi-awesome!"

"Live. Laugh. Love."

Those are just a few of the gems I'll post to trick my mom into thinking I am an upstanding citizen who cares about the community, puppies and other bull shit. She'll buy into it, I'm sure.


Mark S said...

lol@"Just met a nice, non-whorish girl. I think I'll bring her over for dinner to meet my mom."

Raf said...

"I'm going to stop cursing because it makes me seem like I am uneducated and crass."

Fuck that shit.

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