Thursday, December 17, 2009

No. 93 "What Your Facial Hair Says About You."

As the old saying goes "sometimes hair speaks louder than words." I think it was Benjamin Franklin who coined that gem, because he had a rockin' balding mullet. But facial hair can say even more than about you than your sweet combed-down, spiked-in-the-back emo do' can, you fucking douche. Here are a couple examples of facial hair than says something about the person wearing it.

Grizzly Beard:
Popular in the mountain man community. The men that have these burly beards most likely enjoy hunting animals and/or humans. It is also very probable that they own several wool plaid shirts and can shoot whiskey with the best of them. You will not see them at environmental protests or reading books. They are much too busy building a log cabin or beating their wife. When conversing with these fellows it is important to stay away from subjects such as gun control, gay rights and scrap booking.

Handlebar Mustache:
To own one of these sweet 'staches one must first be a barkeep at a local saloon or be a NASCAR enthusiast with very few black friends and even fewer teeth. These aren't as popular as they were in the 1870's, but you'll still find a fellow or two brandishing the handlebar mustache. This look tells everyone not to fuck with you, because there is a very good chance you own a revolver and have no problem shooting the fool that cracks wise at your handlebar mustache's expense.

Mexican Mustache:
It may shock some people, but not all people that wear a Mexican Mustache are from the proud and diverse Latino community. In fact, it is popular in the white trash/hillbilly community as well. Go to any trailer park across this fine country and you will find this 'stache on delightful trailer owner-operators and methamphetamine chemists. Although it was originated by twelve year old Mexican hoodlums, it is all the rage in the deep south. People that bear this mustache most likely do not hold multiple degrees in philosophy and probably read at a third grade level.

Popularized by cartoon versions of Satan, who looked Italian. Not saying he is, but he definitely looked Italian. Anyways, a goatee means you're a tough guy, or wearing a tough guy uniform. Which includes, but is not limited to: random barbed wire tattoos, a crew cut, dark clothing, and a frown. People that have goatees are perfectionists because it must takes hours to trim their goatee just right on each side. Its an art form really, and if you mess up one must start from scratch.

The symbol of the jobless, carefree and recently broken up with. Having a face full of scruff basically tells the world that you will not be attending a job interview, giving a speech to a committee or be allowed entrance into a public school. The scruff-wearers of the world tend to drink a lot of carbonated energy drinks and play video games until the sun comes up. During the early stages of their scruffiness, most are in long term relationships, but once the scruff passes a certain line, these men become readily available due to the fact that their girlfriends broke up with them to date a dude with goatees.

Soul Patch:
Not just for bald game show hosts and douche bag magicians anymore! A soul patch is like the tiny-heart-tattoo-on-the-lower-torso for men. It's just enough to get noticed. Most dudes that grow and maintain a soul patch are into themselves. You can expect to find numerous hair and grooming products in their bathroom, as well as a shopping bag full of pink dildos. Whatever overpriced fashion t-shirts that are popular at the time are most likely in their closets as well. The grizzly beards look down on these fellows and scoff at their attempt at facial hair, and then puncture them with a bayonet.

Chin Strap:
Also popular with those that choose a soul patch. Many of these gentlemen switch between a chin strap and soul patch based upon the seasons. Those that have and maintain a chin strap are very meticulous. The skill set needed to groom and sculpt a perfect chin strap challenges Leonardo DiVinci artistically. (Who, himself could never maintain a sound chin strap for more than a week without throwing his electric razor to the ground in anger.) The chin strap has been popularized by guido youth throughout the upper east coast. They combine pounds of hair gel and a pencil thin beard the most perfectly. Tilted Fedora hats are optional. Unfortunately, most chin strap wearers do not know how to speak proper English.

Female Facial Hair:
Ugh. Gross! Unless one is attempting to become a bearded lady at a traveling side show, it is highly recommended that all women, no matter their dress size or lack of a pretty face, get rid of all that nasty hair. There is nothing worse than kissing a girl and feeling a little fuzz on her upper lip. No one likes that, well unless you're a gay dude into mustaches, but even then, why are you kissing a woman?

So there are eight examples of what one's facial hair says about them. Unfortunately we didn't have time for the Abraham Lincoln beard, the Side-Burns-Connected-To-The-Mustache, or the Fu Manchu because any one that rocks those kinds of facial hair styles is either being overly ironic or traveling from the past to fix the mistakes made in the future. So if you see someone rockin' one of those looks, first ask where their time machine is, and if they act confused, just tell them to stop being so fucking ironic!

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