Tuesday, December 8, 2009

No. 90 "Gym Time."

So you've come to the realization that it is time to start going to gym again? By again, I mean for the first time ever. And by realization I mean you haven't gotten laid in six months and when you tried to run and catch the ice cream truck you ended up in the hospital with heart palpitations. Its OK though, after reading this, you'll gain the confidence to work out and soon you'll be that douche bag taking off his shirt at parties that don't involve pools.

Sign Up:
You can't just show up to the gym and start slamming weights and yelling at mirrors. You have to sign up for a membership. The front desk clerk will try his hardest not to laugh at your fat ass or say thinly-veiled condescending comments towards you. You will have to fill out a lot of paperwork that the buff clerk will attempt to read, but eventually just give up and say something like "looks like everything is here." Remember that the five year membership is the best deal in the long run and you will never regret their non-termination policy.

Morning Milkshake:
You need a supplement filled milkshake before you head off to the gym. Before your first day at the gym, hit up your local GNC and get everything they have. Just throw it all into one of their carts and run out of the store without paying. After being accosted and beaten by one of the much more in-shape employees, offer to pay for the vitamins and supplements with Monopoly money. Since their employees are dumb, they will fall for this trick and you can be on your way. Get all the vitamins and supplements and empty them into a blender. Then, pour in six ounces of milk, a T-bone steak, three raw eggs and four ounces of hair gel. Mix it up evenly and enjoy. You're on your way to six-pack world.

When going to the gym for the first time you want to look good and make a positive impression on your fellow gym members. Show up in a tuxedo and top hat. You may find it difficult to participate in many of the exercises, but at least you'll look mighty fine doing it. Plus the multiple layers will cover up your multiple layers... of fat. If dressing sharp isn't your thing, just wear what you would on a random Saturday afternoon, which is a grease stained t-shirt, boxer shorts and hunting boots. But remember to clean the mud and elk urine off your hunting boots, they have nice carpeted floors at your gym.

Personal Trainers:
After signing up for a membership, most gyms will offer a few free lessons with a personal trainer. A personal trainer is usually a bloke that has failed at being a fire fighter, model or realty television personality. They love working out, and are there to help you become more fit and healthy. Start off with a joke about steroids, and if they laugh, ask seriously if you can borrow some of their steroids. If they refuse to supply you with them, use code and ask if you can purchase some "juice." After they kindly hand you a bottle of Minute Maid, throw it at their head and question why it is not in needle form.

Many fun and exciting classes are offered at gyms. You could try yoga where you get to sweat for two frustrating hours and look like a jackass in front of incredibly hot women. If that's not your thing you can always try Jazzercise, which is basically like a night club. Its full of women dancing and smiling. Just stand in the corner with a beer and attempt to grind on them until security is called. But, the best class of all is kickboxing. They may yell at you for roundhouse kicking random people as soon as you walk in, but it is in the name. Unfortunately, the kickboxing class is basically just kicking and punching air in a dance-like motion instead of karate chopping elderly members of your gym or dirty Russians.

Gym Friends:
Another advantage when joining a gym is it allows you to make new friends, while at the same time becoming more fit. There are many great people you can meet at the gym. As far as women are concerned, I would stay away from the "ladies" that bench press over 200 pounds because their vaginas most likely could break your penis in half. You can also meet some chill dudes that you can get a beer with after your workout and eventually high-five. These gentlemen are a little different than most guys. They have been spending the better part of their lives trying to fill the void that was left by their unloving fathers with protein shakes and heavy objects. This has made them social inept. The use of big words and sarcasm can anger many of these men, like an irritated rhinoceros, which leads to them smashing your face in and then chest bumping another man in spandex.

Snack Machines:
Most gyms will have vending machines in their facility filled with salty and sweet treats made to tempt you into buying twelve dollars worth of goodness and going home to chow down and watch television without ever working out. Stay away from these evil machines. Most of the food in them is quite old and not nearly as fresh as snacks you can purchase at convenience stores on your way back from the gym. So once you are done working out for almost fifteen minutes, buy some chocolate-covered pretzels from the Circle K and bask in your awesomeness while watching Full House reruns.

Gym Itinerary:
To get into proper shape one must first come up with daily and weekly schedules of what equipment they will be working with. Monday will be cardio, Wednesday will be legs, Friday will be arms, and so on. So come up with a schedule such as this:

  • Arrive at gym ninety minutes later than you told yourself you would.
  • Walk around aimlessly for 10-15 minutes.
  • Take a water break.
  • Spend seven minutes trying to figure out how to work the treadmill.
  • Shield your embarrassment when a gym employee points out the "Start" button right in front of you.
  • Run for three minutes and pretend to pull a muscle.
  • Scream in pain until someone comes to your aid.
  • Pretend to be a bad ass and say something like "Pfft... no big deal. I'm going to hit up the weights now."
  • Take another water break.
  • Curl ten-pound weights and if anyone laughs at you, tell them you are going for tone, not mass.
  • Sit down for twenty minutes and text your friends, telling them that you are busy working out and don't have time to chat, even though it was you that text messaged them first.
  • Do the leg press for ten minutes because its the easiest, plus you get to sit down.
  • Stare at hot girls from afar until they catch you staring at them.
  • Try to impress girls near you by benching 250 pounds.
  • Be rushed to the hospital by paramedics.

  • Nurse your injury and watch DVD's while eating chocolate covered pretzels.

Once again, my superior knowledge on all things will lead you in a horrible positive direction. Remember to high-five, fist-bump and awkwardly hug all of your new gym friends. Looking at yourself in the mirror and screaming is optional, but will get you attention from the lady folk.

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