Its that time of the year again. No, not your annual STD check-up, silly, Thanksgiving! The holiday where we forget about the starving kids in Africa and pig out while watching football and drinking beer. Take that skinny African children! Since today is the day of giving, I thought I would share my favorite recipe for a perfect Thanksgiving.
Zero Parts Gross Shit:
I may be in the minority here, but there are too many gross appetizers being passed around during Thanksgiving. Anything you can smother in gravy is fine by me, but there is no need for stuffing. It looks like a mashed up pile of dog shit, and then somehow they fuck it up even more by throwing onions and celery in it. I am definitely not thankful for that bowl of yuck. Also, green beans and carrots - stay the hell away from me, I want nothing to do with you. Now, the dessert tray, that's what I'm all about. I have no problem knocking grandma out of the way to get myself a big 'ol slice of banana cream pie.
1 Parts Yelling:
Get this! Bring That! Take the turkey off your head! It's exhausting. I said before hand that I didn't want to help with Thanksgiving because I enjoy sleeping in and watching Fresh Prince of Bel-Air reruns. Somehow mothers' patience goes off the wall during the holidays. Instead of asking nicely or just doing it their fucking self, they guilt you into helping them by brandishing a kitchen knife under your throat. Fine, I'll help you, just don't slit my throat, ma.
2 Parts Weird Uncle:
Gotta have that strange mother fucker at Thanksgiving. He still sits at the kid's table to be ironic. He tells inappropriate jokes that grandma doesn't appreciate. And he gets a little too drunk and touches a nephew. It's also a little strange that he has to bring his probation officer with him. The weird uncle is vital to a perfect Thanksgiving, and we all know its gonna be you in a few short years.
3 Parts Football:
Three games are on during Turkey Day, so while watching them, make sure to ignore all the women cooking in the kitchen. If they ask for a favor or start screaming because they are on fire just hoot and holler at the game to drown out their screams. Some of your younger cousins or nephews may try to change the channel to some gay ass parade, but quickly smack them and take the remote back. No one gives a fuck about the Snoopy float and it must be known. After he is done crying smack him again for being a little bitch.
4 Parts Disappointment:
Add this when your mother decides that its her turn to cook Thanksgiving dinner, even though we all know she is a terrible cook. This is especially surprising because women are supposed to be naturally good at cooking and cleaning, the two essentials needed for cooking and cleaning Thanksgiving dinner. But, she is very sensitive, so pretend the cold turkey is delicious and rave about her charcoal tasting crescent rolls. Your grandma will be most pleased because she knows she'll be getting her starting job back as Thanksgiving cook next year. Expect belittling comments and passive aggressive responses as you enjoy your soggy mashed potatoes.
5 Parts Guilt:
While stuffing your face with gravy soaked food, take a look around your table and see if there are any Native Americans around you. Unless you have Thanksgiving at Gila River Casino there are probably none. They gave us companionship and Indian Fry Bread (heart disease) and all we ever gave them was smallpox. (smallpox) Celebrate the people your racist, disease carrying ancestors had the first Thanksgiving with by losing your first born child's college fund at the local casino after dinner.
6 Parts Awkward:
Awkwardness is essential to a fun and memorable Thanksgiving. Instead of bringing your current Caucasian girlfriend, dump her ass and bring a black prostitute off the street. Bring out the racist side of your grandma. She'll see your new "girlfriend" and pretend to be nice while she locks up everyone's purses in the other room "just to get them out of the way." It can also be a blast to pick a fight between relatives. Bring up a political issue while passing the gravy and watch what happens. It's like lighting fireworks, just crack the match and sit back and enjoy. No one will ever forget that one time grandpa knocked out your uncle over a health care debate.
7 Parts People You Hate:
This is basically everyone in your family. Maybe that's a bit harsh, some of them are alright, but that's just your immediate family. There really is no need for cousins and uncles and great grandpas. I hear the old folk's home has a great Thanksgiving TV dinner that your 102 year old great grandpa will just love! (Plus he's old as fuck and his taste buds probably don't work.) If you have the home base for Thanksgiving this year, make it a VIP event. Hire a bouncer and buy a velvet rope. When your stupid ass cousins try to get into your home they will be notified they are not on the list and be sent on their way, hungry and embarrassed. Also, you can put cool celebrities on your guest list. Hell, they might even show up randomly. Who wouldn't love seeing Carlton from Fresh Prince at their house chowing down on some turkey?
So there is my recipe for a perfect Thanksgiving. It has a lot of ingredients, but each is equally as important. Without football, there would be nothing to watch while the women slave over the ovens. Without weird uncles, no one would tell an off color joke to anger your grandma. And without a badass guest list, Carlton would not be sitting next to you saying grace in a bow tie.