LOS ANGELES—NBA commissioner David Stern levied a $25,000 fine to Los Angeles Lakers power forward Pau Gasol today. The fine is part of a new crack down headed by Stern in an effort to improve the NBA's overall image and dissuade unkempt appearances by players such as Gasol. "Mr. Gasol has shown little to no effort in improving his physical appearance and personal hygiene, and based on that, the NBA needed to take action. His greasy hair and hobo beard are detrimental to the league" said Stern. A representative for Gasol rebutted that his client's robust neck hair and body stench are a vital part of his Spanish culture and will be pursuing an appeal. Stern also noted that several players have complained about Gasol's ugly face, although according to the current collective bargaining agreement, players cannot be fined based solely on their lack of good looks. This is the first time a player has been fined for a dilapidated appearance, but Stern announced that Gasol will not be the only player punished this week. "Anderson Varejao's obnoxious hair and Brian Scalabrine's translucent skin will be the next in line for fines if they don't improve their appearances immediately."
This was my attempt to write an Onionesque fake news story. Let me know what you think.