Thursday, January 28, 2010

No. 101 "Strip Club Protocol."

Titty Clubs, Nudie Bars, Employment of Abused Women... Call it what you will; every guy and totally awesome chick loves to venture a trip to the strip club. It's like the Disneyland for adults; except you can't punch teenagers in cartoon character costumes. Every strip club is different. Some are 18+ and show you all the goods, while others are 21+, serve booze but you only get to see breasts and belly buttons. There are also strip clubs where dudes flop their junk around for middle-aged secretaries, but I'd advise against venturing there. Here are a couple tips to make your venture to the naked lady establishment the most entertaining.

Dress Code:
You want to get noticed by these whores, so wear something that will call attention to yourself. Come to the club in doctors scrubs with fake (or real) blood and pretend that you just saved a child's life. If that is too much work for you, just wear a mustard stained t-shirt and sweatpants. You can use the pant's cotton fabric as a condom while strippers dry hump you. Stay away from shirts with words, as most strippers cannot read. Ironic shirts are definitely a no-no, and may cause several strippers' heads to explode trying to decipher its simple meaning.

Cover:

Most strip joints will have a mandatory cover you are obligated to pay before entering the club. You can easily bypass this waste of money and time by brandishing a weapon to the hostess and casually letting her know that "this is my cover." If a weapon is unavailable to you, just pretend to be out of money and make one of your naive friends pay for you. "I'll get ya back next time, bro." No you won't.

Bouncers:

To protect the fine women at this establishment, management has hired a small army of large and unfriendly ex-cons to work the doors and make sure no one is jumping on stage and raping the talent. Make sure to joke around with these kind souls. Try patting them on the back or sticking dollar bills in their pockets. They will find this hilarious and buy you a drink on the house. Or, they may beat you senselessly and drag your lifeless body into the alley for drifters to molest.

Tips:

Strippers make bellow minimum wage and "earn" the majority of their income on tips to support all five of their children from four different fathers. No need to worry about how they are going to feed their kids, you're there to have fun and save money for more important things like helicopter lessons. Try to never spend more than $3.71 the entire time, so you can buy a couple cheeseburgers after the club has closed. Start off big with a crisp one dollar bill and then continue to lower the amount you are tipping until you are down to Canadian pennies. You can turn this into a game and attempt to make coins into her pussy while she is upside down on the pole. She'll play along, I swear.

Lap Dances:

At first, many strippers will try to use their sex appeal and tig 'ol bitties to coerce you into accompanying her to the champagne room, but this is a trick! Once they take you into what can only be described as a converted storage closet, she'll try to up the price by doing things to you with her hand, mouth, pussy and armpit. Instead, turn the tables on her and demand that she pay you if she wants any lovin'. This will be easier for her to understand once you present her with the laminated pricing guide of your services.

Buffet:

Strip club buffets are second to none. You get to immerse yourself in the fine cuisine crafted by renown chefs from around the world. Enjoy crab legs, fillet mignon, brisket and tiramisu; all for only $3.99. You also get to watch the best strippers that work at 2 PM on a Monday and converse with captains of industry that dine there most days of the week. Actually, the menu at strip clubs is mostly six-day old food that was cooked in a dirty microwave and probably has gonorrhea. And the people that come for the buffet are probably the same people that stole your car stereo last week.

Drinks:

Most titty bars have a two drink minimum, the same policy you obey before driving. You can try to evade this by telling the cocktail waitress (that thinks she's so much better than the strippers because she keeps her clothes on, even though she's probably a bigger slut) that you are allergic to liquid and will not be ordering any beverages. If that doesn't work, order a couple bottles of champagne and turn the strip club into a Dr. Dre video. Start spraying the big booty hoes, bartenders and the bouncers with bubbly and it will turn the place into an all-out party. Then skip the bill.

Ask Stripper To Be Your Girlfriend:

This is to be done towards the end of the night (around 4-5 AM). Make sure you are blackout or at least very, very drunk. Max out your mom's credit card on lap dances and hand jobs, and then start telling your favorite stripper about the ex-girlfriend that broke your heart. She will feign interest, even though it is widely known that strippers are incapable of feelings. Then ask her to go steady once you find the perfect moment between 80's hair band hits. If she says no, remind her that she lives in a trailer and even a lifetime of therapy couldn't solve her daddy issues. Back-hand the hoe and escape on foot.

Other helpful tips:
-Savor your memories and take numerous pictures of the strippers.
-Use the club's ATM in case you are low on cash. Those fee's aren't that bad.
-Go on stage to show off your break dancing skills.
-Heckle the "veteran" strippers and tell them it's time to retire.
-Use only Monopoly money.

So that is how you have a great time at a strip club. If you follow these simple guidelines you will have a blast playing penny pussy beer pong, spraying bar backs with cheap champagne and getting dragged into gutters by large men. One last quick note: If you recognize your mom at the strip club, just quietly sip your seven dollar Coca Cola and look away. She's trying to pay for your education.

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