Tuesday, January 26, 2010

No. 100 "Benign Minutia X."

Wanna make someone awkward? While taking a piss, stare at the guy next to you in the eyes until he notices you and gets very uncomfortable, or punches you square in the nose.

ATTN Chex Mix Makers: There is no need to include pretzels in your mixture. There is a perfect place for pretzels already. Its called the trash can.

Are all administrators post-menopausal overweight women with glasses and short haircuts?

I was listening to the radio the other day because my Sony mini-disc player was broken. While listening to a station that plays the same fourteen songs on repeat, the jive talkin' disc jockey announced that he had received numerous requests for him to play a Lady GaGa track. Really? People aren't hearing enough of him/her/it that they actually call up and request more? This country is doomed.

ATTN Fat Chicks: Stop posting close up pictures as your Facebook profile pics and tricking me into thinking you are cute until three seconds later when I click on you pictures and realize you are actually overweight. The jig is up, fatties!

Ways to let your girlfriend know she's getting fat: Point out an old picture of her when she was skinny, buy her horizontal striped shirts, compliment her fitter friends on their physiques, lock her in the gym so she will be forced to work out, put constipation pills in her food, break up with her and date her sister.

Bank tellers are so nice and friendly to you, until you start joking about guns and getaway vehicles. Jeez, no one can take a joke these days.

Since they already have For Her Pleasure condoms they should make For His Pleasure condoms. Actually, never mind, they already have them. Its called "Not wearing a condom in the first place." Or, "Telling her you put on a condom, but lying."

I can't wait until I have kids so I can always be right. And even if I'm wrong and they prove it so, I will be bigger and stronger than them for a while so they will eventually agree with me after the beatings.

ATTN T9: "Pussy" should be the first choice, not "puppy." I guarantee more people text about pussy than adorable puppies. Even your mom.

Apparently, if one uses Touch of Gray Men's hair treatment your chances of banging coworkers or lady interviewers triples.

I am such a good friend that even when I need to piss like a race horse, I wait for my friend to finish their long winded story before I announce my departure to unload my urine.

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