Tuesday, January 19, 2010

No. 98 "Party Kit To Go."

If you're like me, then you tend to party at other people's places, and at times you need to have materials on hand in case they were forgotten or you were invited on an impromptu hot tubbin' session with a gaggle of playmates. That's why everyone needs a party kit to go. Basically its just a bunch of things you store in your trunk, and you can use them whenever necessary. Just make sure not to show it off to police officers or your parents. The party kit to go goes something like this:

Plastic Crate:
How else are you going to store all of these awesome accessories without a solid plastic crate? They are inexpensive and you can pick one up from Target while getting your Valtrex prescription refilled. It is also important to keep all of your party kit accessories together. There may be other items that are not party worthy in your trunk, so make sure to separate them. You don't wanna be the dude that brings a tire iron to a party, you'll just look ridiculous.

These are a very important ingredient to your party kit. How else are you friends supposed to get laid? Just make sure to have some on hand so that your better looking friends with game can hook up with chicks you have crushes on. Also, you can make balloon animals out of the extra condoms to entertain yourself while you wait for your friend to finish.

Swim Trunks:
No guy ever likes borrowing trunks from another male friend.* We all know that they have been peed in at least three dozen times. The other option of hitting the pool in just your boxers would be viable if they weren't shit stained and missing the button that keeps your junk out of public view. Also, wearing wet boxers while not being in the pool or spa is very uncomfortable.

Smirnoff Flavored Vodka:
Relatively cheap and the ladies enjoy their wide variety of artificial flavors. Keep a fifth of this in your car for when a group of chicks come by and won't stop complaining about how "There's only, like, beer here." You can be their savior when you casually say "Hold on a second ladies, I'll be right back." Then roll in with some mango-pear-berry vodka to get those bitches crunk. Studies have shown that Smirnoff flavored Vodka leads to 64% of hand jobs at suburban house parties.

Extra Jeans:
We've all been there before. Whether it was too much Mexican food the day before or attempting to fart in a friend's face. We've all shat ourselves. Even your mom. So, when this does happen, its important to have a backup pair of jeans to throw on immediately before anyone notices that large brown stain on the back of your jeans. Also, maybe three bean burritos is too much.

Since the mid-1980's, cards have been used to play a variety of different games that enable groups of individuals to consume alcohol both quickly and in an entertaining manner. Whenever someone brings out a pack of cards from under their sofa, its always missing like seventeen cards and very sticky for one of two reasons**. You can grab your full, non-sticky pack and enjoy endless hours of Asshole, Fuck the Dealer or any other game that has curse words in the title.

An 8 Ball of Cocaine:
Ever been to a boring party and wanted to spice things up? Well, with cocaine you can! Cocaine turns a lame 8th birthday for your cousin into an all out rager. This lovely and healthy*** "supplement" can turn any snore-fest into a 1970's disco. Also, sluts love cocaine and if you share some with them, they are obligated to at least suck your dick.

Beer Pong Balls:
Beer Pong (or as morons that like to piss me off call it: Beirut) has been the most popular drinking game for parties since 2004. But, without at least two balls, is extremely lame. It has been determined that 3.2 beer pong balls get either stepped on or lost by "idiots that weren't even invited to the fucking party" each week. You can save the party by coming back with a brand new 6-pack of balls of hope. This also gives you a front of the line pass for the game.

Similar to beer pong balls, cups are essential to the game. No one likes playing beer pong with non-NBPL cups, and no one enjoys playing pong with random coffee mugs and McDonald's cups. Many party throwers are poor or lazy and use the same cups from the weekend before. You can help stop the spread of H1N1 and mouth herpes by providing new, non-diseased cups for beer pong purposes. Also, cups can be used for drinking beverages while not playing beer pong such as: keg beer, Smirnoff flavored Vodka mixed drinks and cottage cheese.

A Handgun:
This is something that you will need while partying in an area you are unfamiliar with, such as the ghetto. If the shin dig you are attending has five or more frowning black men, it is important to be armed in case they want to compare fire arms and then share a piece of pie. A handgun can also be beneficial for cutting in line for a keg or winning a street fight. People tend to be more polite and say things such as "please" at parties when you are waving around a gun.

So there you have it, The Party Kit To Go. You can make one yourself or you can purchase one from me for three easy payments of $299.95. I hope that these fun, portable kits help you entertain others with condom balloon animals, receive dome from women with loose morals and win street fights by murdering people in cold blood. Lets hope these catch on!

*Other things guys hate borrowing: toothbrushes, hair products and sexually transmitted diseases.
**If they are nudie cards, do not touch them.
***Based on research from my drug dealer, Pablo.

1 comment:

Raf said...

Extra jeans are essential. No doubt about it.

Also, I always tend to keep a handcuff key stitched to the inside of my cheek. Not really a party kit thing, but something to consider if you party balls all the time. Never know when you might be handcuffed on a sidewalk or to a big girl's headboard.

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