Thursday, November 12, 2009

No. 83 "Benign Minutia: Porn Edition."

I started writing a new version of my random thoughts that I call benign minutia the other day when I realized they were mostly about porn. (I was whacking off at the time, so that might have been why.) So, this week is devoted to my random thoughts on porn. Read, and remember to wash your hands.

-There is this porn star named Alysin Chaynes. What a clever fucking porn name. I like this chick, I might even delicately place rose pedals by my computer before I whack off to her.

-Excuse me, porn industry: don't try to trick me into thinking a video is an amateur video when it features a porn star that has over 200 videos in her repository. I may have my dick in my hand, but don't treat me like I do.

-You can not play a high school cheer leader if you are 32 years old. 25 is pushing it, and I realize that none of these girls went to my high school and if they did they still wouldn't fuck me, even if they were paid to. But, some showmanship, please.

-Its not funny when you make me click on a video of Jessica Alba doing it with some dude only to lead me to another site that gives me a virus (and an STD.) I can only come up with so many excuses as to why the Best Buy guy need to come over every other week to fix my computer.

-There should be a filter of shit I don't like so I don't have to scroll through endless pages of un-jackable material. This list would include: 99% of Asians, all fat chicks, gay porn and any competition that involves how many penises an unlucky female can fit inside of her vagina simultaneously. Not for me. I'm not even getting into the weird poo and pee stuff cause people that like that should just get locked up.

-Is there no reviewing process for chicks with disfigured boob jobs? There are some straight up gross looking fake racks out there, sideways boobs, multiple scars, too many nipples. They look like they're straight out of Tijuana.

-There should be a cut-off age for some of these "performers." Yes, I get it. You were huge in the 80's, but it's time to retire and raise a family or die of syphilis.

-Close ups of the dudes cumming while they're banging a chick are NEVER necessary and every straight male looks away during those parts. I don't want to see that expression unless it's of me and there is a mirror near by. Stop doing it, it freaks us all out.

-Whats with these marathon sessions of guys eating out chicks? Why would any guy want to watch someone else do an activity he doesn't like participating in? Its like watching a video of a dude doing yard work.

-And finally, porn is not realistic at all. I can't just get my grade raised in history class for performing cunnilingus on my professor, girls don't just offer to pay for a pizza with their pussy and no woman loves a money load shot on their face. Believe me, I've done studies.

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